|
|
Post by itchycoil on Jun 3, 2018 4:25:33 GMT
I've been seeing this guy since early February and he's basically everything I ever dreamed of in a man (we are both dudes fwiw); brilliant, funny, reads and listens to pretty much the exact same books and music that I do (indie shit like patricia highsmith's works and land of the loops-i have never met another person who listened to that before him)--and he's gorgeous beyond all belief to boot. We met in Nov 2016 at a show thru a mutual pal and we've crushed on each other ever since and would stalk each other's snaps and shit like that for a long time. Fast foward to february this year and he finally asks me out and we see a jodorowski film and at his place we start talking about heavy stuff (past traumas and stuff like that) and he tells me he has schizophrenia-which i am totally fine with since he's medicated and stuff-and the gaps between dates since them have been about 1-2 weeks and we would talk every few days and it was going well-ish. But then around last month the gaps have been getting longer after our last hangout where he confessed he loved me and shit, and i had to confront him in person since he was ignoring me and he was saying stuff like "i feel like we're dysfunctional" and "i feel like im not in control of anything", "my meds are so awful" but also "i wrote i song about you", and then he comforted me and took me home after reassuring me that he cared about me and wanted to get to know me more. A few days later he sent a text saying "luv u" and asked me to a movie. He doesn't follow thru and is back to ignoring me I'm tempted to talk to his roommate since i'm cool with him and stuff. And he's joining my school's radio program this fall which I'm also in so I'm trying to avoid a traditional breakup since i'm gonna have to see him a lot when school starts back up. We're on like 10 days NC and I'd like to be able to salvage this relationship especially since i thought a lot of things were going correctly-introduced me to his closes friends, kissed me in public, holds my hand in car rides, etc. please help  his behavior is p much textbook fearful avoidant-terrified of phone calls, doesn't respond to his friends' messages either, gets drained really easily, but i feel like i'm never going to meet another guy with the same amount of common interests as him and i'm being sincere when i say this |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jun 3, 2018 14:47:14 GMT
Welcome to the boards. 😀 Honestly..and I am not FA, but this does not sound like a relationship that will work for you...even with the common interests and mutual attractions..it seems his communication style, his inability to plan and keep dates and his distancing/silence are all triggering to you. He sounds very conflicted and scared...moving from feelings that the two of you will not work to saying he loves you but then going quiet. I think the next step for you is to figure out whether you can accept him the way he is and be ok with it...if not, then it is a matter of letting him know that you care about him too, but you are looking for someone who can (lists the needs you have for a relationship). If he cannot meet those needs..then it is best for you to know now so that you can decide whether you want to remain friends with him. I know that is likely not the answer you were hoping for, but oftentimes we fixate on how a person will fit in to our life rather then thinking about the kind of relationship we want and determining whether the other person wants the same things (as in communication styles, how much time together etc).
|
|
|
|
Post by itchycoil on Jun 5, 2018 15:08:19 GMT
Thank you for the welcome^^^^ I'm trying so hard to accept that but the two of us sharing a lot of friends and me crushing on him for nearly 2 years makes it nearly impossible idk shared interests are really important for me finding a partner and i just don't find a lot of gay guys that like the same stuff as I do (I'm not trying to sound like I have internalized homophobia or anything it's just frustrating is all) |
|
|
|
Post by mistakes on Jun 5, 2018 15:36:24 GMT
Thank you for the welcome^^^^ I'm trying so hard to accept that but the two of us sharing a lot of friends and me crushing on him for nearly 2 years makes it nearly impossible idk shared interests are really important for me finding a partner and i just don't find a lot of gay guys that like the same stuff as I do (I'm not trying to sound like I have internalized homophobia or anything it's just frustrating is all) I got addicted to the person, is because of the special bonding that is hard to meet, even though it came and gone... wish you find a way to bond again, but regardless of suggestions from cut & run / be consistent, seems that try to find happiness without needing the person, taking care of your emotion instead of requesting or fixing the relationship, seems like is the only way to go, in order to be with an FA... Wish you all the best... |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jun 6, 2018 3:14:11 GMT
Thank you for the welcome^^^^ I'm trying so hard to accept that but the two of us sharing a lot of friends and me crushing on him for nearly 2 years makes it nearly impossible idk shared interests are really important for me finding a partner and i just don't find a lot of gay guys that like the same stuff as I do (I'm not trying to sound like I have internalized homophobia or anything it's just frustrating is all) Then the option is to accept him for who he is as he is right now...with his communication issues, his conflicted feelings etc because it is likely that he will not change unless he wants to change. |
|
|
|
Post by itchycoil on Jun 6, 2018 20:22:24 GMT
Thank you for the welcome^^^^ I'm trying so hard to accept that but the two of us sharing a lot of friends and me crushing on him for nearly 2 years makes it nearly impossible idk shared interests are really important for me finding a partner and i just don't find a lot of gay guys that like the same stuff as I do (I'm not trying to sound like I have internalized homophobia or anything it's just frustrating is all) I got addicted to the person, is because of the special bonding that is hard to meet, even though it came and gone... wish you find a way to bond again, but regardless of suggestions from cut & run / be consistent, seems that try to find happiness without needing the person, taking care of your emotion instead of requesting or fixing the relationship, seems like is the only way to go, in order to be with an FA... Wish you all the best... I'm trying to develop skills on my synthesizer and get more immersed into books but I really don't know how to get rid of the brain fog (my therapist is on maternity leave and idk whether to do CBT, DBT, or what) |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jun 7, 2018 2:14:47 GMT
I got addicted to the person, is because of the special bonding that is hard to meet, even though it came and gone... wish you find a way to bond again, but regardless of suggestions from cut & run / be consistent, seems that try to find happiness without needing the person, taking care of your emotion instead of requesting or fixing the relationship, seems like is the only way to go, in order to be with an FA... Wish you all the best... I'm trying to develop skills on my synthesizer and get more immersed into books but I really don't know how to get rid of the brain fog (my therapist is on maternity leave and idk whether to do CBT, DBT, or what) I know that sometimes Anne12 posts recommendations in the general board and flic just posted end about SE....that might help you with the brain fog. |
|
|
|
Post by leavethelighton on Jun 8, 2018 23:51:26 GMT
I was going to say that maybe shared interests are overrated, that there is also something nice about two people learning each other's different interests, but you said they're important to you and I don't want to just dismiss that. Of course, it takes a lot more than shared interests to make a relationship.
I would say before you give up on it all, try to articulate from him what you wish from him-- what that would look like. Maybe he'll want to work towards establishing that with you... at least you'd have tried. It's difficult to do without being or coming across as controlling maybe, and I can't really say I have a good script for it (some people find books like "Difficult Conversations" and "Nonviolent Communication" to help them with that), but I'm starting to think a primary problem in many relationships is people being not asking for what they want because they are afraid of rejection, think they shouldn't want those things, etc. etc.
|
|
|
|
Post by itchycoil on Jun 9, 2018 11:33:34 GMT
I just dumped him, explained that my emotions felt toyed with and that I didn't really want to do it but that I felt I had no choice. I offered to talk and to be friends so I'll see what happens but idk I feel so shitty like all the buildup that lead to the relationship was for nothing and I'm scared that he might react badly and do something rash. I at least had a lot of our mutual friends' support for this (his old roommate and best friend that he ghosts a lot too actually sent the text from my phone) and hopefully I'll land on both feet. god i really could use a hug/cuddle right now :/
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jun 9, 2018 13:28:38 GMT
I just dumped him, explained that my emotions felt toyed with and that I didn't really want to do it but that I felt I had no choice. I offered to talk and to be friends so I'll see what happens but idk I feel so shitty like all the buildup that lead to the relationship was for nothing and I'm scared that he might react badly and do something rash. I at least had a lot of our mutual friends' support for this (his old roommate and best friend that he ghosts a lot too actually sent the text from my phone) and hopefully I'll land on both feet. god i really could use a hug/cuddle right now :/ Ugh...I can only imagine how awful you felt and feel. Is there anyone close to you who could distract you a bit today? Maybe see a movie or something along those lines. |
|
|
|
Post by itchycoil on Jun 9, 2018 20:34:45 GMT
I've asked people but they're all busy plus I don't wanna be a burden on them
|
|
|
|
Post by leavethelighton on Jun 13, 2018 0:17:41 GMT
(metaphoric hugs) I hope things get easier for you soon.
|
|
