What difference is there with the friends you can always count on - and those who promise to help you, but never stand up to it? The first ones are "the right friends", right? They are the ones you count on and certainly appreciate.
Consider a moment right now - and every day at least once a day. Like morning and evening: Are you your own best friend? How do you treat yourself?
When do you talk nicely to yourself - and about yourself to others? When Do You Meet Agreements With Yourself? When do you do the things that are good for you? When do you allow yourself what you want most of you in life Keeping agreements with yourself is a pretty effective way to boost your self-worth!
Maybe you know more about this: You decide on something - for example, to stop being negative or to start exercising. It may succeed for one or two days, maybe never. Then you forget about it.
Every time you do not keep , what you have promised yourself You Will feel worse. Often worse than if it were one of your friends who "burned you off". It's a bit of a joke, because you have to be with yourself 24/7
Be careful about what you promise yourself. Only promise yourself what you are sure you will (could) keep! Be realistic = Take Small Steps. Baby Steps. Every day. Instead of making revolutions of your life that never turns into anything.
Also search for help - for example, by having a buddy who asks and remembers the things you have promised yourself.
There are 5 basic "good reasons" that you may find it difficult to be your best friend. Here I will give you the first. It is the simplest. Here there is nothing that needs healing before you can succeed.
1. You may not have learned to be your own best friend? Maybe you haven't learned that the most important thing in your life is YOU? But if you don't take care of you, how are you going to be for others? Example: If the oxygen pressure in the airplane falls, then it is vital that you take the oxygen mask on yourself First before helping others.
If you are not refueling, you run out of "fuel" - sooner or later. And if YOU do not take care of you - who would? NO, others should not take care of you unless you are a child, old or sick.
You are your responsibility!
And if you don't take care of you - what kind of life do you get? Be here in the world as you and prioritize yourself and your needs! It benefits everyone: yourself, your possible children, any partner, family, friends and your work.
Helping Tips: When you discover the importance of giving you priority, it may be enough to "get you out of the couch" and start being your own best friend Learn from those who are already good at being their own best friend: - Find some good role models. It may be some that you know or some who are out in the world (TV, Internet, books) - Read about or Notice how they behave towards themselves - Talk to your friends about how you can practise
Structure your new state to be your own best friend: - Select one focus point at a time, for example, to talk nicely to yourself - Write down continuously or before you go to bed: “Min. 3 times today, where I manage to talk nicely to myself (or what is your focus point)
If you compare yourself with the perfect, then you lose - ! (Byron Katie)
So accept that right now you are, as you are - and do (have done) as you do!
There are 5 different reasons why it can be difficult to be your own best friend and have a great self-worth.
This can affect you negatively or positively. It has a great influence on your self-worth.
Have you thought about the significance it has for you and your self-worth that we are herd animals?
We are about to do the same as the rest of the herd. It typically happens completely unconsciously. Because we are pack animals. The brain is designed for this. It makes us feel like part of the herd. It gives security. Instinctively. It is brilliantly seen with the eyes of evolution. Because when the herd has survived the reactions, it is vice to continue with them.
The herd can be the family, friends, workplace, fellow students, sports club and others.
We are especially characterized by the "herd" when we are children. It is estimated that 80% of our personality is formed at the age of 7. And we are especially characterized by our closest caregivers. Mother. Father. Grandparents. Teachers. ect. We are usually unconscious about this and therefore often automatically do what we are programmed for.
A small anecdote illustrates this: A 25 year old woman puts a steak in the oven after cutting the end of the steak. Her daughter asks, "Mom, why are you cutting the end?" The woman says, "Uh, you just do that ..." However, she gets curious, googles it without finding answers. Eventually she grabs her mother: "Mother, why do you cut the end of the steak?" The woman's mother laughs: “Sweet hony, neither do I know why. But when you were a kid, I only had a small oven dish, so the steak was often too long, and so I cut some of it of! "
What habits and automatic reactions do you have from others? Look for your mother, father in particular - but that may as well be others
Are there any of these that you would like to change? It may be that you forget yourself, are (self) critical, push yourself, grumble, keep yourself back, do not do what makes you happy, always fall for the wrong ones ... yes, what is it for you?
Start by recognizing this: It started sometime where you wanted to be with the person and you do the same thing now Allow yourself to notice that it actually gives you a sense of belonging to the person to do the same as (even if it's a reaction that annoys you) Allow yourself to separate from this person at this point. You can still be together for anything else
We are born into the world with a need to be seen, heard and understood. It automatically makes parents do this. Usually. If they can do it. They do this especially if they themselves have been heard, seen and understood.
This also applies when we are adults. We feel loved and our self-worth is growing. Or, in another way, our nervous system can accommodate those parts of us.
It is uncommonly common for people not to have had this closeness, understanding and love enough as children or later in life. The self-worth is therefore not fully developed. The parents have often done their best, based on their abilities and circumstances. But even the best intention only works, if you can do it in practice.
If we are not seen, heard and understood (enough), we cannot quite be ourselves. Be who we really are. It goes beyond self-esteem/selfworth.
Therefore, your self-worth may be low - even though you KNOW that your parents loves / loved you. If they were stressed when you were a kid. Disease, depression, poor relationships etc. with your parents can give the same effect. Presence disappears.
Or if you are with a partner who loves you. If he / she cannot be present and accommodate you in life - in the good and in the bad times.
Lack of presence (stress etc.) drains self-worth!
Example: Jane came to therapy because she was always more concerned with making others happy, than what was good for herself. It may seem like lovingly. But it wasn't for Jane. She had done this throughout her life, and was gradually drained for energy, self-worth and the joy of life.
The therapist worked with different sides and feelings og Jane. Also the less neat sides of her - as irritation and anger. What she first had difficulty feeling.
If you're a person who likes to be able to do everything yourself. But to really strengthen your self-worth, you need another person to see, hear, and understand you. Therefore, self-help books do not always work "all the way".
If you have not yet been seen, heard and understood to a sufficient extent. Then find a person that you can feel is sincerely interested in you. Who can be present. And who you can trust.
Then tell about some of the sides or feelings of you that You would rether vide away.. That you think, are embarrassing, childish, not good enough, ugly yes maybe shameful Let the other see, hear and understand you
2 more key reasons why you do not treat yourself as a most precious friend. And what you can do about these.
Self-worth is that you value yourself as you are - right now! For better or worse
It may have become automatic for you not to treat yourself well and think negatively about yourself? Then you need to invest attention in making a new VERY better habit: treating yourself well and decently! For every time you do that, you get better at it and the easier it will be to do for you again! Get started already NOW. Take small steps - but take them EVERY DAY! Others may have treated or treated you badly? Does it entitle you to continue their bad style? No, well! Set your limits and drop the old one if you can: Forgive for your own sake - so you will be free!
Forgiveness is not to say it happened was okay. Then there would be nothing to forgive. Forgiving is making it done so you can move on. If there is much anger, then you can at most forgive at thought plan, and unfortunately it does not work. The anger is organic and will always arise in connection with an overrun of your limit. But it is not always that you can feel the anger - yet it can keep you stuck in the past. Maybe you feel sorry for it rather than it. It's the same case you're in victim position.
The anger is basically a portion of energy to "survive" and have your needs met. To say on or off.
The anger, however, has a bad reputation in our culture and is often repressed and pushed away. As it is also part of your life force, instead, take care of it as pure gold! But make sure you don't throw your anger over others - and even yourself !!! For example, use Leonard Jacobson's anger meditation instead.
Your nervous system might have come out of balance so it controls you - instead of you and your life? Shock trauma and heavy stress have this effect more balance by taking the small steps towards more balance: Doing something that is good for you and your body! Meditating can Be good. Yoga is, for example, alsoalso re good in this context; Running and other exercise can also be used as long as it feels good and is not a duty.
If the exercise is to help you balance, you should be able to speak while exercising. Otherwise, the body produces only several more stress hormones! It also works most if you simultaneously feel the body.
You can also do the "coming into the now exercise", "notise your breath" exercise and the " watertankexercise" ect. in the selfregulation thread in the secure forum.
If you do not have enough energy / control to enter the "good spiral" and take the small steps - then seek professional help. It's a really good investment. Getting into "The Good Spiral" is one of the things an SE-attatchmenttherapist can help.
Today is the first day of my new life where I am my own most precious friend!
PS! Did you know that your self-worth- the fact that you value yourself - is the most important factor in love life incl. dating, relationships and sex life. Self-esteem also has a preventive effect on jealousy and adultery.
Concrete methods that many experience as helpful are, among others:
Put a hand on your heart and just sit with yourself To look yourself in the eyes of a mirror and talk to yourself To write a letter to yourself where you join peace with yourself and tell yourself that you are willing to accept all parts of yourself. To have an honest conversation with someone else you trust where you tell about your sense of worthlessness and your willingness to let go of it It can also help to remember yourself the following:
When you compare yourself with others, you compare your interior with the exterior of others
There is no connection between what you really are worth and what you feel you are worth
You can't do anything to be worth more - nor can you do anything to be worth less worth.
Each time you can drop your self-reproach or your tendency to escape from yourself and instead meet yourself with acceptance - each time the trance will have less and less power over you.
On the other hand, you will experience - not just think but experience - how everyone in the world including you has a built-in value that cannot be measured or weighed in performance or possessions or even the amount of good deeds or people you know.
Decide that you want to take this "cure". It only works if you do it - then you will notice your life energy and your mood Will rise ;-)
Find your yellow post IT block with post-it notes. Write at least 10 of these: "I choose to ..." Put these in your home, where you will especially see the sentence. Ex. On your PC, pictures, doors, toilet mirror, radiator, printer, whiteboard, coffee table, washing machine and in the fridge. Also put a reminder on your phone like once an hour: "I choose to ..."
The point is ... That you become aware of every time you use should, shouldent, suppose to - IT is draining your life energy and Will make you in a bad mood, whether you use it on yourself or others. Then you can replace should or suppose to with "I choose to ..."
It gets you from the victim role into your power and safe connection form and your life energy and your mood will increase ;-)
From here you can much easier feel love, in relation to yourself and others ;-)
If it doesn't work out well for you, it may be because that you have not decided 100% to follow the "cure" and therefore You are not going wholeheartedly in.
This may be, for example, if your mother or father used the Words should, shouldent or supposed to / not supposed to...
It can even be wordless that they have used it, perhaps with a look, a facial expression or by ignoring you when you did something they disapproved, or you didn't do what they expected of you.
Or if they themselves lived by should / suppose to and duty, so that you have trauma energy in stock.
Then You can Be guided by survival energy and You can the experience that things are urgent (although they may not be important to your life at all)...
Make a self love vision for yourself. Write it down.
The love for yourself: How do you treat yourself, how do you show yourself love, what do you do to feel safe in your everyday life, do you fail yourself? Make loving steps towards yourself, take a small step every day. Make a self-love diary. Write 3-5 sentences each night about what you might have thought, said, done to pamper yourself today. Read your vision from time to time..
In your self-love vision, you describe your relationship with yourself - ( just as you describe your relationship with your (future) partner in the love vision. Describe the moods, feelings, sensations in the body and experiences you have when you are with yourself.
Example from a vision: I have an inner calm, because I know, that I can trust myself no matter what happens. I therefore set my boundaries completely naturally and I am listened toI because I listen to myself. I enjoy listening to music and letting my body move to the rhythm. There is flow in the body and I feel happy ...
Write a love letter to yourself like if you were your own girlfriend or boyfriend. It has to be handwritten. Imagine that you were the lucky one who had your eyes on you and had fallen in love with you. Write down what you would had fallen for, what you feel being together with you, (that you make you laugh, that you have a big heart, that you are wonderful making love to ect.) You are allowed to think how you would like to be seen as by a future partner. What would you just love that the person was able to see in you ? Maybe some of the things that you are not that fond/proud of in yourself and that you have a problem to love ?
It can be very heeling to write this down. To write it and also to receive it. You can post it for real and send it by mail to yourself.
When you will receive the letter make yourself a nice cup of tea or coffee, open the letter and read it slowly. Loud. Feel what happens in your body. All feelings are healing. Also mourning/sorrow. Try if you can take in the meaning of the letter.
This is a fantastic training to be able to receive love. This is so important in love life. Sometimes we just have to receive and not do so much in love life. Say thank you! And know that you deserve to be loved. ,💌
What you wear might be more important than you think. No matter if you are a woman or a man.
As a woman put on a dress that makes you feel feminine and beautifull. Put makeup on and do your hair and maybe your nails. Go to work like this or if not work to the mall ect. Feel how it changes your mood, your energy, your posture
If you are a man you can put on some fancy elegant shoes, put on a good aftershave, maybe a blazer ect. Go to work or out in town like that.
If you are a woman you can also put on your favorite feminine, delicate underwear and bra on.
Just do it even if it is after work and enjoy and see what happens inside you and around you!
This exercise can make you Think higher of yourself. When we feel good about ouerselfs, we will be happier and and we seem more attractive to other people. It can also make you socialize more - maybe also with the opposite sex.
An experience from a woman: I went to work in my beautifull favorite dress, with my hair done and with makeup on. And wow.... it was magic. People were smiling at me, the men at work hold the door for me and said "God morning" more often than they normaly do.
The magic is about that when we chance our own feeling inside, when we allow ourself to shine and to feel good, then our surroundings will mirror this back to us. Everything starts with you!