Post by islandwaver on Jun 5, 2018 16:17:21 GMT
So I've been seeing my SO since Jan. We have a somewhat complicated relationship mostly because there's a huge age difference and we also work at the same office so it's just better this way.
I have been reading so much on the Attachment theory since I found it around a month ago and have come to the conclusion that I'm a DA most of the time but now in this relationship I get pulled into being AP. I know it's not the healthiest but we actually have fun together like a lot of fun doing outdoors stuff and laughing. It's fun most of the time. The one thing I know is that I'm getting triggered and that means I have work to do on myself. If I don't do the work, it'll just be under the surface and will find a way out in some other aspect of my life. It needs to get dealt with and this relationship seems to be bringing it to the surface so I can see it and hopefully deal with it.
I have been documenting my triggers and my feelings and anything that goes through my head and then telling my friend about them (she's a Psychologist) as a way of acknowledging them and work through them so when they arise again I can be more aware and have the tools to rationalize them until they're not an issue.
So here's one from today that I'm so embarrassed at myself for getting worked up about. But maybe by sharing some of you might learn or whatever. Maybe just good for me to own this part of me so I can really work on it and become a less of an AP.
Last night I had asked my SO to come over but she said she couldn't as she had an exam today that she needed to study for. I was fine with it but would like to have seen her (why does it seem like we never get enough time together? WTF? So pathetic) wasn't a big deal as I had a bunch of things to do. Still felt like 10% rejection which is a lot better than I used to be so I'm making progress.
So this morning (her training just happens to be taking place beside my cubicle) I was listening and listening to the instructor go on and on and I started to get all paranoid that maybe she was lying to me about this exam? Maybe she just said that to not hang out with me and stay home or maybe go cheat? (I have no proof of her ever cheating. If I ask her a question she answers and is very direct with her responses)
So when they took a break for lunch I got up the courage to ask my other friend about the course and if they had an exam today? "He said there are no exams in this course" BOOM!!! I felt so sick to my stomach. I wanted to barf.
So 2 mins later my SO walked to the lunch room and I followed and asked if she had taken the exam yet and she said "no I take it at 2:10" BOOM! A lie! I asked if everyone in the course takes the exam and she said yes if they want to get their motorcycle license they do......
I had totally forgot that she had gone to the DMV to get a test thing and there was a cancellation to go for her motorcycle license and she needed to pass a written exam prior to entering that course....
I was so relieved to know that I hadn't been lied to about this and who knows about how many other things... But I'm so humiliated to the fact that I didn't trust her word.
So there you go. I just wanted to share with anyone who reads this the type of crap that can race through our brains all for nothing. How our brains will fill in holes of information and it's almost never ever good. It's always negative.
Lol, in conclusion....
I will be going back to my therapist soon to talk about this and to help work through this and whatever else I need. Haha, one day would be great if we could do a flash with a firmware upgrade for our brains as mine seems to have a slight glitch!
I have been reading so much on the Attachment theory since I found it around a month ago and have come to the conclusion that I'm a DA most of the time but now in this relationship I get pulled into being AP. I know it's not the healthiest but we actually have fun together like a lot of fun doing outdoors stuff and laughing. It's fun most of the time. The one thing I know is that I'm getting triggered and that means I have work to do on myself. If I don't do the work, it'll just be under the surface and will find a way out in some other aspect of my life. It needs to get dealt with and this relationship seems to be bringing it to the surface so I can see it and hopefully deal with it.
I have been documenting my triggers and my feelings and anything that goes through my head and then telling my friend about them (she's a Psychologist) as a way of acknowledging them and work through them so when they arise again I can be more aware and have the tools to rationalize them until they're not an issue.
So here's one from today that I'm so embarrassed at myself for getting worked up about. But maybe by sharing some of you might learn or whatever. Maybe just good for me to own this part of me so I can really work on it and become a less of an AP.
Last night I had asked my SO to come over but she said she couldn't as she had an exam today that she needed to study for. I was fine with it but would like to have seen her (why does it seem like we never get enough time together? WTF? So pathetic) wasn't a big deal as I had a bunch of things to do. Still felt like 10% rejection which is a lot better than I used to be so I'm making progress.
So this morning (her training just happens to be taking place beside my cubicle) I was listening and listening to the instructor go on and on and I started to get all paranoid that maybe she was lying to me about this exam? Maybe she just said that to not hang out with me and stay home or maybe go cheat? (I have no proof of her ever cheating. If I ask her a question she answers and is very direct with her responses)
So when they took a break for lunch I got up the courage to ask my other friend about the course and if they had an exam today? "He said there are no exams in this course" BOOM!!! I felt so sick to my stomach. I wanted to barf.
So 2 mins later my SO walked to the lunch room and I followed and asked if she had taken the exam yet and she said "no I take it at 2:10" BOOM! A lie! I asked if everyone in the course takes the exam and she said yes if they want to get their motorcycle license they do......
I had totally forgot that she had gone to the DMV to get a test thing and there was a cancellation to go for her motorcycle license and she needed to pass a written exam prior to entering that course....
I was so relieved to know that I hadn't been lied to about this and who knows about how many other things... But I'm so humiliated to the fact that I didn't trust her word.
So there you go. I just wanted to share with anyone who reads this the type of crap that can race through our brains all for nothing. How our brains will fill in holes of information and it's almost never ever good. It's always negative.
Lol, in conclusion....
I will be going back to my therapist soon to talk about this and to help work through this and whatever else I need. Haha, one day would be great if we could do a flash with a firmware upgrade for our brains as mine seems to have a slight glitch!
