i'm in love with an FA and he won't speak to me? Help?

Thank you so much for the response.

We met over a dating app. We began talking and hung out three times over a month. Our first date was very intense, we both shared a lot. When I met him, I had issues with drugs and alcohol. He seemed to want to "save" me. He is 13 years older. I am 23 and he is 36. We continued dating for a month and then had a nasty fight when I got drunk. He told me "romantically we are not a possibility, but we can speak and maybe hang out as friends eventually." We had a back and forth fight for a day, and then he ignored my text. So, I texted him about a week later to see how he was doing. He responded nicely and we ended up hanging out the next day. We fooled around and began dating of a sort. We would talk every day, and we ended up spending a whole weekend together. We got lunch together and he told me he was "uncomfortable being seen" with me, as I attracted "a lot of attention with the clothes" I wear. Granted, I do wear dresses, heels and my dresses tend to be tighter, but I felt sort of offended. We see each other about twice a week, have sleepovers, have sex, etc.

We had an argument of sorts the first time we had sex. He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be in a relationship and didn't want to hurt me. I got a little upset and got up to leave. He begged me not to leave and kept asking "are you ever going to talk to me again?" and was very worried about that. Another night after that, he told me how much more attractive than him I was, how much smarter, how much better than him I could do, etc. He said he is "slow to commit, but once I do, I'm all in". We have never used condoms, and had established immediately we weren't sleeping with others, and eventually he indicated to me he wasn't seeing other women. As things progressed, he opened up, telling me about his narcissistic mother, his womanizing dad, and his lack of a relationship with them. He has a sister he is close to, and a group of close, childhood friends. He had a difficult time staying hard with me during sex, saying "theres emotion behind it, it's hard for me" (because he has had many one night stands, group sex, threesomes, and many partners). He told me "I could have had sex with you the first or second time we met, but beyond that it would have been hard."

He failed the state bar, for the second time, (despite practicing for 10 years in his former state), and was devastated. He had been a little distant prior to that, and sent me a text after he failed, saying "Hey, I've been distant and I'm sorry, it has nothing to do with you. I've been off because of stress from the bar. I'm ok, just need some time to process." Tried to reinforce him, and he stopped responding after a few texts. I left him alone for a day, and it was the first day since we had met where we hadn't spoken, aside from the first break up. I checked in the next day, and he responded. We chatted for a bit and he was asking for my advice on whether to take it again, if he should choose a new career, etc. Then the next day, he said randomly during a text convo
"I'm not sure about being in a relationship, but I was afraid if I said that, you'd stop talking to me. but thats ok if you do. You deserve so much better than me and eventually you'll see that. I'm broke, have emotional issues. I wish we could be friends. I'm struggling to find attachment to anyone and anything. I can't let people do nice things for me."
I was devastated and he said "can we please see each other? I hope we talk in person. what can I do to help? I don't want you to be sad." and also added he didn't "understand why people like me. I'm good at sex, but totally hollow and believe that once people realize who I really am, they will leave. I have silly shallow little relationships to validate that I'm not completely worthless and somewhat desirable."
I agreed to meet that night, but then he told me tomorrow worked better. So, the next day he texted and told me I could stop by later. I called him to set a time and began crying. He said "why are you crying?" I explained he had broken up with me, I'm sad. He said "we can talk about it later."
I go over, and he's holding me, wants to sit very close on the couch, etc. I tell him I know he has issues, I don't care if he's broke, I like him, I'm falling in love with him, etc. But that I feel like he won't let things just happen. He got very quiet. He told me I "gut punched" him and he couldn't continue to talk. I suggested we take a break from talking. He agreed and we cuddled and watched tv. He initiated sex, and it was very intense. I got us dinner, and we ate together. Then, he asked me to go to bed. I said I didn't think he would have wanted me to stay over. He didn't respond to that. I spend the night, we cuddle all night. That's another thing. When I spend the night, he holds me the whole night. Holds my hand in his sleep. Sometimes he will roll over and have his back facing me, and he will say "hug me". He intertwines his feet with mine.
The next few days he is extremely distant., makes up reasons to not see me. Finally, he texts me and says that I "gut punched him in the first 15 mins, and he couldn't get out what he needed to say." That the serious things said scared him, he wasn't on the same page, he liked me but not like that, and "wasn't in it the way" I was, and "I can't change that, please don't attack me, I'm trying to be good and honest." and that I "stress" him out, and he's always "exhausted for hours" after I'm over. I ask to come over, and he says yes. He's very standoffish. Tells me he's felt this way for a while and to "respect me and my decisions" then says he feels "trapped" and "exhausted". He accuses me of being controlling, and that I need to "let go." Then he says he doesn't see us going anywhere, and he wants to be friends but if I "want to leave mad at him, fine". He says I'm stressful to be around, he can't be himself, he needs to walk on eggshells around me, we argue a lot (I don't really recall many fights). I beg him and he says no over and over, then finally says "we can revisit this in a few weeks". When I ask if theres a chance, he responds by saying " stop being so controlling. you can't ask unfair questions like that. If you held me to the fire, then no, I don't ever see us being something." he kept referring to us as a "relationship" despite him constantly saying he wasn't ready/was unsure about a relationship. He reiterates how bad he wants to be friends, as "we do have a connection." I leave in tears. He says "see, why are you this upset over what we have? what even are we?" he also added that "an unhealthy emotional attachment was forming on both sides." and "The emotion is too much, its very raw and I can feel it."

He tells me i will "never lose him" and to call/text him if I need anything. I told him I would wait for him to reach out in regards to the few weeks thing. He made things sound absolute and final and said multiple times "I've made up my mind please respect me." and also said he "can't be myself" around me.

Two days go by, and I finally text him and crack. I thank him for a book recommendation. He texts back and says "Wow you already read it?? How are you doing?" and I respond I'm okay, and he calls. We chat for 30 mins, and he asks me some personal questions, including details of my suicide attempt as a teenager. Then he says "hold on, let me call after I brush my teeth." He calls back, and it was just to say goodnight. I say I miss him, he says he misses me too. I say I didnt think he did but its okay. He begins to reply, but I tell him just to sleep. We hang up. That evening, he reaches out. We chat. The next day I reach out, and he begins to psycho analyze me. We are both very troubled in similar senses and some of the things he said hurt me. I stopped responding to his texts and he sent "are you ok?" I said I wasn't, but would be. He said he wanted to see me to "comfort and see" me but that he didn't want to be a "bad influence". He gave me an attitude and said that "we aren't in a place to have a relationship, but I want to help and so I feel weird" adding "It's nice when you're around, but then something changed and you got insecure and latch on." I say that all I want is to lay down and watch tv and relax. He says "maybe, I'm going on a hike, I'll text when I'm back. need to clear my head." He texts several hours later and then says he "has a lot to do, but if you want to come and eat and hang out we can." I agree, and bring dinner. I sit away from him on the couch, make no moves. He's going on a trip and asks me to help pick his outfits and if he should cut his hair. He takes all of my suggestions. He asks me to pick his tie and I pick one that turns out to be his favorite. He touches my waist as I'm picking it. I go to the couch and he begins flirting and being affectionate. Soon he is getting closer to me, and we are spooning. He starts poking my nose, and finally kisses me. I kiss him back and we have very intense sex all night. I again spend the night. He tells me in the morning "Thanks for coming over. I had a great time. " and I text to confirm he was at the airport later. He's sweet and enthusiastic. He brings up the bar and jobs, and appears to be stressed. I respond with ideas, and he says "Thanks. about to depart, have a nice weekend." I don't respond until the next night, and he's drunk. We chat, and someone sends him a message saying "i hate you". He asks why I did it, which I thought was odd. He apologizes and says he's drunk and sorry. It was a random number. He says he's sad, I call and check on him. We talk for three mins and he heads to an afterparty. I text the next morning, to tell him I picked up his favorite fruit, and made him dinner and some salsa that he loves so he wouldn't need to cook, and I could take it over tonight or the next day. He told me I was very sweet and he was boarding now. He texts me hours later to tell me he had a fight with his father and told him off. He says "I'd invite you over, but I'm grumpy." he begins to act strangely, shaving his hair, and I get worried. I tell him I don't care if he's weird, I'd like to see him. I go over, and he wants to talk for over an hour about how it was" emotional" to see his ex that he lived with, and broke up with 4 years ago. she left him, they reconciled, and he then ultimately left her as he "wasn't feeling it anymore." He mentions he would be divorced by now and asks if I would still like him if he had been divorced. He then proceeds to also tell me he wants me to let go during sex more, all things indicating its continuing. He then talks a lot about his dad and the issue they had. I stay over. He comments again on how my nails are ridiculous (they're very long, but I cut them very much and he still said they were too long) and how my fake eyelashes are too much, that I shouldn't have them done. That I'm "beautiful" without. And also mentions he likes "jeans and a t shirt" but that "If dressing up is my thing, then do it." and also mentioned multiple times that I dress "too sexually provocatively." We again cuddle all night, and wake up. He cuddles me, is teasing me, we chat about his friends, and we have sex. He is paranoid about pregnancy, always pulling out. This time, he finishes in me. I'm surprised as he NEVER has done this and freaks out over pregnancy. We cuddle more, and We eat lunch. He has tried to quit coffee, yet said "Oh I bought some coffee for you. Here." and shows me how to use the machine instead of making it for me, like he wants me to be able to operate it since I'll be over again. He was eating salsa and offered me some, and fed it to me. We cuddle on the couch and both become sleepy. We move to the bed and nap. He wakes up and so I do too. He says "you don't need to get up." I say no, i know he needs to work out and study so I'll go. i leave and things seem fine. I text later that night, he seems pleasant. Then when he says his back hurts and I offer to rub it with a special cream he says "I'm ok. thanks though." I reply "alright, feel better." then 30 mins later say " I just don't want you to be in pain." and he doesn't answer. We don't speak for two days. I become violently ill last night and text asking if he's awake. He calls me, and we chat. I'm in a lot of pain. He seems very tired and somewhat disinterested. I keep apologizing for calling, and he says to stop apologizing. I say he hasn't reached out for two days and he says "So you're mad at me?" and I say no. We end up hanging up. I text him saying "I'm sorry I contacted you, I won't do it anymore and please sleep well, I hope things work out for you." He texts today asking how I'm doing. We begin chatting and he says "I'm sorry I've been MIA. I’m trying to be a friend, but I know I’m not becoming what you want me to be. I do care about your well being. It’s ok to be whinny. But you can’t call someone and then apologize for calling. It defeats the whole purpose. Just talk when I call and don’t feel bad about it." I say that we aren't friends and he knows that. He says Yes, I know that. But I’m trying to make them that. I think you know it and have been trying to avoid it." and when i say he's being unfair and sending mixed signals, he says I agree it is unfair. I’m trying to be fair and kind and I haven’t been. Selfishly, part of me does like when we are together. It’s very nice. But I’ve had this talk more than once where I try to break it off. That’s me being fair. There are other factors, I’m not comfortable and don’t desire this moving forward. You call me after and ask to come over and I should be stronger and say no. I’m human, it’s hard. We do get along. But big pieces are not there for me. I’m sorry. Please accept that. If you don’t want to be my friend. I get it. I want you to be able to talk to me. Because I care for your well being. But the romantic part needs to close. I’m asking for that. It doesn’t change because we have a good night or nice time together. It’s how I feel." and I tell him he looks for reasons to cut it off, when he says I do, but it’s what I want. The maturity and experience is an issue. I’m a lot older and in a different place. Not in all ways. We relate in many and the dark ways we feel are significant. But I know how this goes. I’m being honest and fair right now. You can’t change how I feel or what I want. Please respect me." he adds "It’s stressful, it’s not overall a good thing. I worry about you, often. And that’s not a relationship. It’s a caretaker and that’s not what I’m looking for. I can care for you as a friend. But the romantic part, I’d like to stop and I’m asking you to respect that." I call him, we talk for like 30 mins. I tell him I love him, he says he doesn't feel the same. That things need to end, its a gut feeling he's had, he doesn't want to try. If you don't want to be friends, fine. He says its not positive, I make him feel bad. I try too hard to make this work, I smother him, he has no space. That I need to let him move on, that I need to move on too. That he needs to go, he has things to do and I'm preventing him from getting things done. That I don't respect him, I guilt him into things, I don't listen, he doesn't want to try and isn't willing to. Then i ask if i'll ever see him again. He goes silent. After a little I ask again, he says yes. I ask if I can him tonight he says "absolutely not." and when i ask why he still sleeps with me he says "I'm human. I like you and I'm weak." I beg him to give it a chance, he keeps saying no then says "Maybe if we don't talk for a month, we can look at it then." and I ask if he means it, he says yes, and that he really needs to go, so we hang up. I don't know what to think. Is he gone? Is all hope lost? What do I do? Leave him alone for the month? Please help me, and I'm so sorry for the length of the post.

Also: He has been diagnosed bipolar and used to take meds. He quit them, and says he doesn't know if he is truly bipolar. He doesn't go to therapy currently.