flic
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Post by flic on Jun 7, 2018 3:10:55 GMT
<d>
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flic
Full Member
Posts: 119
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Post by flic on Jun 7, 2018 3:13:18 GMT
I feel really ashamed writing this post - because i thought i was doing such good work  |
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Post by mistakes on Jun 7, 2018 3:38:04 GMT
It is hard enough to struggle between the desire to stay or go, and it’s even hard when the chance is just a phone call away...
I was wondering, since you both love each other’s, is there enough drive to work through some agreement, perhaps to make the relationship a little bit more... working towards the common ground? Not having the exact same pattern might allow the relationship last longer...?
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flic
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Posts: 119
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Post by flic on Jun 7, 2018 13:35:18 GMT
It is hard enough to struggle between the desire to stay or go, and it’s even hard when the chance is just a phone call away... I was wondering, since you both love each other’s, is there enough drive to work through some agreement, perhaps to make the relationship a little bit more... working towards the common ground? Not having the exact same pattern might allow the relationship last longer...? I wish there was, but we really hurt each other through our behaviour. And I am definitely not healed and secure enough to be able to be the partner he needs, and he as far as i know hasn't done any work to be the partner I need. I have definitely grown towards being able to see that we are very incompatible in some ways, even though we share an incredible mental and physical connection. These patterns run very deep from everything I've read, and I am not sure we'd be able to overcome them without a LOT of work. I actually hope, that through my own work, I desire him less. I want to be able to see that he is not right for me, rather than feeling like he is a drug i desperately want/ He's also on the other side of the world, so that helps. We absolutely would have seen each other already if we were in the same country. And it would have been a disaster. |
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flic
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Posts: 119
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Post by flic on Jun 7, 2018 13:43:19 GMT
Hey flic....I think you are so brave...and you don't have anything to be ashamed about...not one ounce...please let that go. I think what you are experiencing is a mismatch in intentions within yourself....so in essense, on the one hand you see that you are not able to stay focused on the present while still engaging with D, but you also still love him and want to engage with him. I think being in a stuck place is very common, especially when we are still in contact with the guy/girl we dated/lived with/partnered with...is there a way to change the dynamic of the phone calls? Meaning have a rule that you both cannot rehash the past since the relationship is over...and no more statements of love (unless they are "friendship" level only). I think the big issue...and I face it too...is that there is a desire for things to return to when they were good....ie...still in the good parts of the relationship...and in our wonderful AP hearts..,it should be possible since both parties still care for each other....but I have to remind myself over and over and over again that the relationship as it was is over and accept that B and I are just friends who really care about each other. And that stinks....because that is not what I want, but that is reality. I think it is possible to transition slowly versus shock your system with an abrupt end.....but both of you have to agree to change how you interact with each other...and if he can't work with you on that transition..,that is when you may need to consider going no contact for a bit. This is not easy flic....but you are doing so well...honestly...I think you are handling all this with a lot of awareness. 😀 Thanks lovely, I appreciate your support and encouragement. I take full responsibility for putting myself in this situation - if i told him i can't talk to him anymore he would be sad but i know he'd accept it. So I guess all i can do is try to use it to try and work on my triggers. I'd been doing so well with other people who usually trigger me - in calming myself, it's just with him I get flooded so easily. I'm really going to try to just not engage with him for a couple of weeks and work on my stuff - if i can then have a conversation with him where I stay calm, I'll be happy  It's just so hard when you're both saying the same things but the mindset is different, you know? Like he'll say "I miss you" and "every day i wish you were here with me" - but he can still be resolute that we can't be together. If i said that to someone i can't see how i wouldn't then be "let's try again!" My emotions just trump any logical thought, ugh. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 7, 2018 22:44:01 GMT
Thanks lovely, I appreciate your support and encouragement. I take full responsibility for putting myself in this situation - if i told him i can't talk to him anymore he would be sad but i know he'd accept it. So I guess all i can do is try to use it to try and work on my triggers. I'd been doing so well with other people who usually trigger me - in calming myself, it's just with him I get flooded so easily. I'm really going to try to just not engage with him for a couple of weeks and work on my stuff - if i can then have a conversation with him where I stay calm, I'll be happy It's just so hard when you're both saying the same things but the mindset is different, you know? Like he'll say "I miss you" and "every day i wish you were here with me" - but he can still be resolute that we can't be together. If i said that to someone i can't see how i wouldn't then be "let's try again!" My emotions just trump any logical thought, ugh. Hey flic...I know so much about the words meaning different things...B was so kind to me on Monday....and it felt a lot like the early stages of our relationship....and I have to admit...when I did not hear from him on Tues or Weds or today...I was a bit sad....because in my mind...having such a great time would lead me to want another great time and another....but I guess he can have a great time and have it be a stand alone moment...so I am working through accepting that and simply being happy for the good time we had. I would also be confused if B said those words to me that D said to you.😕 I wonder if mrob or cogs could illuminate the meaning of those words. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Jun 8, 2018 2:02:59 GMT
I think personal growth isn't going to be linear. You know, it will be two steps forward, one step back... I think this is just how it often is.
But yeah, so frustrating that words like "love" or "miss" and so on can mean such different things to different people.
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