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Post by anne12 on Aug 14, 2021 9:37:16 GMT
I have just been on a vacation with my partner and now that we are back home again, I just feel that I want to push him away. Is this a typical desorganised thing ?
I am also hsp.
If you are hsp it is often a typical reaction to want to have some alone down time, because being with your partner (and family) all the time on a vacation can overwhelm your nerveussystem…
So it is not nessaceraly a desorganised push-pull thing
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Post by anne12 on Sept 5, 2021 15:49:49 GMT
Does and donts when interacting with fa’s:
When experiencing intimacy, they can either get scared, push you away, become aggressive, go into freeze, collapse, zone out, dissociate ect.
Important: Security, boundaries, clarity.
Boundaries and clarity create security
You yourself must be grounded, regulated. Use kind eyes, (maybe) supportive touch, friendly facial expressions, use a gentle tone of voice
Know that they can have problems with boundaries
The choice for fas is between protecting oneself and belonging.
They can turn black, white. You against me or those against us.
When touching, use caution. They can go off line
Use affirmative words.
Use short and simple sentences
Say:
You're safe with me
I would like to help you
I am calm
I want to protect you
I want to help you regulate your nervous system
I accept you also when you are angry or scared
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Post by anne12 on Oct 11, 2021 8:41:26 GMT
The security filter
Do you have holes in your security filter.
This is something that people with some disorganized attachment or other kind of shok trauma has
It is an ivisible filter that sits outside of the body approx. 20 cm out from the body.
For some it is closer to the body, for others it is further away.
You can often feel it when you are out on a dancefloor. You can feel if you get close to others even when it is dark.
You can also feel it before turning your head up in a cupboard door.
If you have holes in your safety filter there are 3 different things you can do.
Breathe in and out 3 times
Feel the chair supporting you, feel your sittingbones, legs and feet
Imagine a protective Golden light around you which creates a safety space for you
Notice the body and what sensations that are in the body. Say them out loud.
Contact one or more competent protectors e.g. One person, several people, one animal, policemen ect. Notice where the competent protectors are standing - beside you, on your left or right, befind you ect.
You are allowed to place your competent protector(s) where it feels best for you.
A competent protector is someone who can take care of you physically or mentally.
Notice physically where the competent protectors are. You can move them around.
Notice how it feels in your body when these protectors are close to you
The security filter
It is a semi pheralable filter. These are impressions from the outside world and these are the antennas you have out in the world.
It is your safety filter that prevents you from crashing into others on a dance floor
It is the filter that prevents you from hitting your head in a cupboard
Trauma and stress can tear your Security filter.
Are you sensitive to sensory impressions - on the skin - sounds - other people ect.
1) Where is the strongest field. Is it 20 cm outside of your body or is close to the body. Feel where it is strongest. Then focus on where it is the next strengest. Then pendulate between the strongest and the next strongest place.
If you are very stressed, it can be difficult to shop because you take everything in 1) where is the strongest field in your safety filter? Feel the effect in the body. Where there is more calm in that part of the body. Use your intuition or thoughts If you have experienced something traumatic in your childhood, you may feel it more intensely in that area e.g. in your chest because your patent have yelled at you infront of you.
1) Where is the strongest field. Is it 20 cm outside of your body or is close to the body. Feel where it is strongest. Then focus on where it is the “next strongest”.
Then pendulate between the strongest and the next strongest place.
Feel the effect in the body. Where is there more calm in that part of the body. Use your intuition or thoughts
If you have experienced something traumatic in your childhood, you may feel it more intensely in that area e.g. in your chest because your parent have yelled at you infront of you.
2)
If there is a hole in your safety/security filter you can check where the edge of the hole goes. Try to get close to the edge of the hole. Be aware the the hole can be like a magnet. So stay at the edge. Then Invite your Security filter to grow one cell at a time. Some people say its like knitting, knitting one cell at a time. Carrie on until the hole is covered again by the security filter. If you can’t finish right away, you can come back to the exercise. In the meantime you can cover it with step 3 - putting a layer of artificial skin on top of it, so that the security filter can work underneath it.
3) You can imagine someone you are feeling safe with putting a layer of artificial skin on you and around you approx 20 cm from the body. And imagine letting this extra skin protect you while your security filter works underneath it.
You can work with this in SE therapy
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Post by anne12 on Oct 20, 2021 17:32:51 GMT
Some people can be confused by their own reactions and emotions.
Several years ago, I worked with a woman I'll call Sarah. She came to me troubled by angry outbursts that seemed to arise unexpectedly and at inopportune moments...often directed at those closest to her.
By outward appearances, Sarah seemed confident, cheerful and empathetic—she ran a growing business, was well-liked by her co-workers and had loving relationships with her second husband and adult children...
...which made it even more difficult for her to reconcile how quickly her emotions could become inflamed.
In some of our early sessions together, Sarah described feeling a constant sense of internal anxiety, tension, worry and fear.
"I feel like I'm a rubber band...stretched and stretched to the limit. Ready to snap."
Sarah was particularly distressed because of a recent incident that had occurred as she and her husband were taking a morning walk through the neighborhood.
They were simply chit-chatting and Sarah was walking slightly ahead of her husband. He was bouncing a tennis ball as they walked—and he playfully threw it at her, hitting her softly on the lower back.
Almost instantaneously, she reeled around and berated her husband loudly in front of a passing couple.
He was stunned. She could see the confusion and hurt in his eyes. "I was only goofing."
But Sarah could not let it go. Her entire body stiffened. Fists clenched. She could feel tears forming in her eyes.
Confused, they both marched back home in silence, Sarah re-playing the shameful moment over and over in her head.
As a therapist familiar with the connection between the threat response system and trauma or abuse, I knew there was a reason for Sarah's oversized reaction.
In fact, her body held cues about an unresolved trauma in her past.
You see, because trauma shuts down the social/speech parts of the brain, we need to understand how to work with the body's physiological responses.
The threat response sequence—when used as a therapeutic tool—can provide clues as to the origins of trauma. And more importantly, how to process it.
After introducing Sarah to the threat response system (and how it works), we identified previous instances where Sarah had "blown up" at someone...the time a friend ran into her at a party and hugged her from behind...or when one of her kids accidentally tossed a toy across the room, hitting her squarely on her back...her reluctance to sit in a restaurant or office with her back exposed.
Each example involved Sarah's inability to see what her brain perceived as a "surprise attack," triggering an aggressive and defensive fight response.
With a better understanding of the threat response, Sarah herself quickly made the connection between her angry reaction and the original trauma.
She was finally able to recognize what her body was telling her—that every time someone touched her or approached her from behind, her body’s reactions were entangled with the physical abuse she endured as a child.
As we continued to work together, Sarah learned to trust the therapeutic process. Together, we were able to re-engage the incomplete threat response stemming from her abuse safely and appropriately, allowing her to move forward through the rest of the threat response sequence, process the trauma and reconnect with the present.
The good news for both therapists and their clients is that we can help heal and transform trauma when we have a deeper understanding of the body's threat response system and its relationship to trauma and abuse.
It's my hope that all mental health professionals can access and integrate the transformative power of this knowledge in a positive way to help heal unnecessary and prolonged suffering.
Diane Poole Heller
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Post by anne12 on Oct 28, 2021 5:45:00 GMT
jebkinnisonforum.com/post/38251/Parasympathetic ventral: Social nerveussystem under safety: Belonging, being who you really are, tolerate disagreements, that other people are different than yourself Social nerveussystem under threat: Fawning or fitting in: -Fawning: Being nice, being agreable, minimizing your needs,being polite, minimizing your individuality, -Fitting in: Imposture syndrome, not wanting to standout, camoflageing, Sympathetic: Fight under safety: Power and drive, agency Fight under threat: Frustration, irritation, anger, rage Flight under safety Able to see many possibilities, multiple direction Flight under threat Worry, fear, panic, terror Parasympathetic dorsal: Under Safety: Rest, digest, spinter release, Under threat Freeze, imoblilasation, helpnessless, confusion, desorientation, dessocciation, overwhelm, resignition Women are often feeling more overwhelmed than men. It's more allowed. Men are often feeling more angry People leaning into flight, freeze responces with some elastic connective tissue and in a position of having less power, are often blamed for not speaking up, not standing their ground, for not fighting back in different situations. They simply don't have the same capacity in their nerveussystem and in their tissue for fight responces. They are often blamed by people with more collagenies connective tissue with more fight energy. People with more fight energy don't understand why -they got more fight ressources themselves. Women are often blamed for fawning/for trying to fit in. The heard is more important to women. The social nerveus system interaction is more important to women. Most research about how we react to stress have been made on men. Fight was the most common stress responce. But they forgot to do the study on women. Women uses tend and befriend strategies due to stress or flee. - Shelly E. Taylor. Also it is more safe to keep a threat close, than far away. Most woman knows about fawning. They have tried fawning in their own lives in different situations. Example: because of their physicality, because of problems with gender differencies in the sociaty, because of their tendencies towards giving nurture because of their estrogen and oxytocin and less testotoron, because they are the ones giving birth, they are the ones getting pelvic exams, they can get sexual assaults, they can get raped, they are more physical "weak" than men, they are less paid than men, when having sex they are the ones who gets penetrated and therefore can get hurt inside their virgina when having sex, because of the way they were reaised, the sociaty s expectations towards women, having respect for an elderly in the family, workplaces, ect. taylorlab.psych.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/sites/5/2014/10/2000_Biobehavioral-responses-to-stress-in-females_tend-and-befriend.pdfA female SE teacher
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Post by anne12 on Oct 28, 2021 6:03:43 GMT
Undercoupling / overcoupling
Do you as an attatchment / SE / teacher/ trainer know about undercoupling / overcoupling dynamics and the different attatchmentstyles.
I would say that the desorganised have got an undercoupled nerveussystem/attatchmentstyle
I havent read any research on this, so I cant really tell about ambivalent and avoidant
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Post by anne12 on Oct 28, 2021 6:43:22 GMT
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Post by alexandra on Feb 23, 2022 6:20:54 GMT
Bump!
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Post by anne12 on Mar 9, 2022 14:00:10 GMT
Sex
Located in the instinctive level - the reptile brain and in the limbic part of the brain
Reproduction lies in the instinctive level and having sex from the reptile part of the brain is not about getting pleasure. Its only about reproduction.
Being able to talk about sex in your relationship can bring you and your partner closer together. But there can be shame ect.
You can train yourself to get in touch with your innocence and your curiosity from when you were a child.
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Post by anne12 on Mar 9, 2022 14:04:03 GMT
There are 3 systems running when making love:
When having sex, the tension in ans increases. This can trigger trauma as trauma connects with intensity
Attatchment
Sexuality
Survival
Therefore it can be a good idea to investigate your relationship to having sex ect.
Attachment, sexuality and trauma:
Examine yourself as a sexual being.
Examine how you have been influenced by your childhood and family.
• How hard is it for you to talk about sex? Does it make sense how your parents felt about sexuality?
• Do you talk to friends about your sexual experiences, e.g. how are your orgasms? If not, how can it be?
CHILDHOOD
• How did your parents behave in relation to your sexual explorations?
• Was there permission to be curious about body and sexuality?
• Did your family have secure boundaries? Had your parents a natural (casual) relationship to sensuality and sexuality?
• Was there guidance from the elderly? Did you get friendly answers to your questions about sex?
• How was nudity perceived in your family? How do you feel being naked - how are you doing with your body?
• Did you learn confusing religious attitudes toward sex?
PUBERTY
• Did you have a natural sexual development during puberty?
• Were there any stages of sexual development? eg. lacks flirtation in many who have been subjected to early incest and abuse
• How did your mother react or your father that you became a sexually active creature?
• Did one or both of your parents behave inappropriately / badly? How? Has this been healed?
• Did your father retire when you became sexually mature and sexually attractive?
• Were you celebrated or shamed in your new sexual identity?
• Did you feel open and alive or scared and shut down during your puberty?
• Is there a sexual or sensual experience that you remember as particularly crucial?
• What happens when you think of your first kiss? (sensations, moods, associations, feelings)
• How was your sexual debut? Beautiful? Daunting? Exciting? Delicious? Unpleasant? Confusing? Other things? o Were you ready? o Was it the right partner? o Was it as you had hoped or believed? • Is there anything you wish had been different?
• Is there anything you want to bring back with you from your early youth?
Overall, How do you convert Secure attatchment; SEXSUALITY; SENSUALITY AND INTIMACY in couples relationship:
• When you are considering having sex, what do you get from
o Associations
o Pictures
o Sensations
o Memories
• Which is harder: talking about sex or having sex?
• Is there a difference between loving and having sex?
• Do you prefer hugs and emotional touch?
• Are you open to spooning?
• Do you sometimes feel sexually aroused?
• Do you have periods where you do not bother to be sexual?
• Do you experience that you have traumas related to being sexual?
• Have you experimented with tantra sex, where you allow your bodies to build the energy up slowly with rhythmic waves of ignition and short pauses to get even higher tension in orgasm?
• Can you have orgasms? ( many women can not, or do not think they can, because all forms of orgasm other than clitoral orgasm can be more subtle and distributed)
• What are your favorite positions?
• Do you feel free to make lots of noises during lovemaking?
• Do you masturbate?
• Can you find your own source of enjoyment?
• How do you build your erotic energy?
• What helps you feel safe and connected with a partner?
• With whom have you felt most attractive / confused / tense / creative / legend / investigative?
• Who have you been most attracted to / confused / tense / creative / playful / investigating?
• What part of your sexuality would you like to get rid of with / repeat / have more available?
• Which movies or books have had a positive effect on your sexuality?
• Do you prefer food, TV or sex
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Post by anne12 on Apr 23, 2022 14:59:42 GMT
Since the disorganized person has difficulty feeling their boundaries or doubts that their boundaries are ok (often an hour or a few days may pass before they can feel that their boundaries have been crossed ) they can
1) Ground and regulate their nervous system
2) Say inside their own head - “I am me and I am here, and you are you and you are there”
You can also touch your body when you say me
and point with your finger when you say you
Also pushing out with your arm/hand can give you the feeling of owning your own space
They can also have problems feeling other People’s boundaries.
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Post by anne12 on Apr 29, 2022 9:13:31 GMT
Dealing with a partner with desorganized attatchmentstyle:
Examine these topics to preserve your own health inside of a bond shared with a loved one with attachment injury or trauma.
Can You Maintain Healthy Boundaries?
We cannot change others, but we can control our reaction to their behavior. When your loved one or family member displays attachment injury, can you walk away or realize that their behavior is not truly related to you? This is difficult sometimes, as individuals often lash out due to chaotic emotions and the inability to self-regulate.
Letting your loved one know your boundaries can benefit you – and them. Is your loved one ready for help? If they are unaware of the area of attachment therapy, pointing him or her toward resources to help with secure attachment might be of value.
Display Sensitivity and Attunement
Realize that everyone comes from a subjective place. Often, showing attunement and compassion for your loved one with attachment injury gives them a taste of secure attachment while also setting a good example. It is possible to heal attachment at any age.
Attunement strategies include verbal and non-verbal qualities:
Affirmations
Acknowledgments
Active listening
Mirroring body language
Eye contact
Through attunement, your loved one can feel more secure, and being with less insecure people is far more pleasant.
Don’t Go on the Defensive
If your loved one shares a feeling with you, “I feel like my family doesn’t love or support me.” Or, “Everyone always lets me down.” Don’t come back with an immediate rebuttal. Respond while keeping in mind that it is their reality, their feelings. A compassionate response will validate their feelings and avoid the barrier that often arises with an instant rebuttal.
Sometimes we need to feel heard.
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Post by anne12 on Apr 30, 2022 10:26:52 GMT
Are you afraid of love as an fa ?
No you are afraid of intimacy
You are afraid of what can happen when you get close to another person
You are at the instinctive level afraid of getting overwhelmed
You are afraid of getting intimidated by the other person
But you can also be intimidating yourself to the other person
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Post by anne12 on May 2, 2022 16:18:10 GMT
there’s an exercise when dating where you can imagine making the other person smaller, imagine the other person further away or closer ect. like being able to “zoom in and zoom out” - so that you can better stay precent in the precent moment and so that your nerveussystem doesn’t get overwhelmed
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Post by elizabeth on Jun 24, 2022 19:58:09 GMT
Disqust as a natural responce to abuse:
pro.psychcentral.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/change-triangle-1.jpgpro.psychcentral.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/change-triangle-2.jpgIt’s a core emotion meaning it tells us something important about how our environment is affecting us. We benefit greatly when we learn to listen to core emotions, as opposed avoiding them as we are taught to do in our society. It’s one of the first emotions to have evolved probably to facilitate survival by immediately expelling something that could make us sick, like a poisonous berry or rotted meat. Disgust often comes up in response to poisonous or toxic people, where deep trust and love has been betrayed. We naturally feel disgust in response to someone who has abused us. Validating disgust can decrease anxiety and shame from trauma. We can sense disgust physically as: revulsion, nausea, the impulse to get something out of you, like an abuser who has been internalized. Disgust has impulses that can be brought into awareness. When disgust is processed, the nervous system will reset to a calmer more regulated state. Want to experiment with disgust? Imagine smelling rotted meat. Notice the feeling of disgust in your body. Describe the sensations of disgust or choose from the list below that most closely describe the sensations of disgust you feel. 1. _____________________ 2. _____________________ 3. _____________________ Queasy, Pit in stomach, Gagging Tense, Tight, Nauseated Dizzy, A hole inside, Off center Acidy, Raw, Jittery, Numb, Stomach ache, Jelly belly Now, so you’re not left with the feeling of disgust, imagine smelling something wonderful like fresh baked cookies or your favorite flower. pro.psychcentral.com/disgust-a-natural-emotional-response-to-abuse/ what bout the inability to feel disgust where it is due? reading this especially: "We naturally feel disgust in response to someone who has abused us." i was thinking, i have never allowed myself to feel disgust, when so much of it was disgusting. i always felt like the only answer was, with my parents, to just try and keep loving them anyway, and, in failed relationships, just go ahead and blame myself because 'i should have known better'. there is never any 'consequence' in my mind towards the person inflicting harm. only trying to understand and excuse their behaviour instead. all the negative consequence were all aimed back at myself. i must have done something wrong. i should have done this, that, the other, ,,, my fault... etc... |
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