Post by anne12 on Aug 31, 2022 8:32:11 GMT
Sophie comes into my clinic, she only walks on her toes and carries a pillow, which she holds on to in her arms..
This is a young woman whose story includes multiple sexual abuses, severe childhood trauma.
She is quiet, beautiful and surveys my room in a nice and quiet way.
Orientation is the most important thing as well as creating trust between us.
We sit down and look out into my garden, while I calmly say that we should not go all in and talk about the difficult things, she has been through. I only have to have to get the the bigger picture, as her body remembers what has happened.
Her posture clearly expresses collapse, which is completely natural.
I am looking for resources, that can open her nervous system and ease her tension.
She especially remembers a teacher from her school - a smile comes to her face and she occasionally looks at me. I've said it's so nice we don't have to look at each other, as I know it's far too difficult with eye contact, which she confirms immediately).
We work with her feet, look at them and talk about how it is natural for them to be afraid.
Our session ends outside in the garden, where she is allowed to show me around to the places, she wants to visit and feel. Her voice rises and she straightens up as we walk around. She looks for a long time at my garden pavilion, where there are plants, we go inside - she blooms even more, color comes to her cheeks and she says, she has a sensory garden where she lives, which she spends many hours in.
At the end of the session, I say, that she has a fantastic body that knows just what she needs, so that she can return home and dare to feel her body again.
That Silence is a resource and a depth and not something wrong.
I also send a link to some music that can heal the inner child. : youtu.be/oqCSynvh4hU
I am so looking forward to seeing her again, such a beautiful person who, despite adversity, has not chosen to leave this world.
An SE, attachment, touch worker
Post by anne12 on Nov 8, 2022 13:54:39 GMT
Things the desorganised want you to know
- I appreciate it when you tell me the truth. It helps me put my guard down and build trust, which is really hard for me.
- I need encouragement sharing my needs and boundaries because I am so used to reading other people, that I sometimes expect others to do the same for me.
- I need consistency in my relationships because I never had that growing up. If you do what you say and say what you do, I can lean into trusting our connection more.
- I love being in your company and I want to deeply connect to you, to see your inner world, to ask and be asked questions. Your genuine presence is valuable to me.
- Sometimes my emotions are intense, and while they may not make sense to you, it helps me recenter myself when my emotions are validated, instead of dismissed.
- I want to be close to you, but it’s really hard for me to feel safe. Your consistency, transparency & patience means a lot to me as I work to be more trusting and secure.
Post by anne12 on Nov 29, 2022 8:59:59 GMT
5 Good advice to go from insecure to secure attachment
Protect the good contact and let the relationship become stronger than the problems
1. Know your 'push away' defense mechanisms
What do you do when you become afraid of close contact with your partner and seek distance?
Examples: Waiting to make joint agreements, postpones planning.
Avoids talking about topics that create emotional closeness.
Gets a cooler body language or a sharper tone of voice.
Uses words that say: “I can do without you. Our bond doesn't mean that much to me.”
Understand the meaning behind your tendency to distance yourself
As a small child, you are typically influenced by an insecure relationship with father or mother or both parents, or you have experienced neglect by others. It has affected your understanding of what it means to be in a relationship. Your unconscious script for your love life (known in research as an internal working model) has therefore been characterized by negative expectations for yourself, your partner and the relationship. The brain can convert these experiences and negative expectations into 'rules': 'If a happens, then b also happens, and then I must do c', e.g. if my boyfriend gets really close (a), then I will be very hurt (b), and before that happens I protect myself and get away in advance (c).
IMPORTANT POINT: YOU AND YOUR PARTNER WILL BECOME STRONGER TOGETHER WHEN YOU CAN RECOGNIZE, UNDERSTAND AND BREAK THE NEGATIVE ABC SEQUENCES THAT TRIGGER YOUR DISTANCE
2. Share your vulnerability and invite your partner closer You benefit from distinguishing between the reactive and sincere parts of yourself: 1. Reactive feelings, thoughts and actions that defend you against being reminded of past pain. When you suddenly feel irritated, cold, or empty inside while distancing yourself from your partner, it may be the old defense mechanisms that are keeping you from listening to the deeper and vulnerable feelings that lie within. IF YOU 'CULTIVATE' THE REACTIVE SIDES OF YOUR FEELINGS, THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS, YOU STAY ON THE OUTSIDE OF YOURSELF, AND YOU CREATE A MORE SUPERFICIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARTNER. In this way, the pain from the past will more easily grow in you - and disrupt your relationship.
- 2. Sincere needs and primal feelings, which show your real needs and your vulnerability You open up the depths of the contact if you can say to your partner: "Outwardly I seem cold right now, but inside I'm very afraid of being hurt, that's why I'm talking to you like this. I'm sorry. I really need you to hold me.” WHEN YOU SHARE YOUR VULNERABILITY AND EXPRESS YOUR SINCERE NEEDS BEHIND THE DEFENSE MECHANISMS, YOU INVITE TOGETHERNESS, LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING. In this way, the blood in the brain will be able to start flowing in new patterns - and the old rules can be replaced with new ones. You and your partner want to 'reach each other' and your brain now gets a new rule, for example: "When I get scared of getting close to my partner, I have to try anyway, and then we will be happier together, because I make it easier for my partner to understand and help me.'
- 3.Learn to understand and deal with the disorganized moments A DISORGANIZED MOMENT INCLUDES I.A. CHARACTERIZED BY:
1. that something in the present (it can sometimes be a very small thing) in a split second reminds you of something in the past that was very difficult. The great pain you have experienced earlier in your life suddenly comes to life. Your partner may think: why so much emotion over such a small thing?
2. that the brain lacks a strategy – the brain will neither allow you to have your partner close nor distance yourself. When the brain's compass needle 'goes black' in this way, you can experience an inner abyss of negative emotions, which is connected to the brain being 'disorganized and disoriented'.
3. that there is a beginning, a peak and an end. When the difficult feelings 'fade away', it can sometimes be that you slip into other kinds of difficult situations. Other times, you may go completely out of the painful situation and experience: "I lost myself just before, now I have become myself again."
CREATE CORRECTING AND HEALING MOMENTS TOGETHER. When love, togetherness, respect and security are part of your close relationships, you heal your unconscious inner expectations of what it's like to be in a close relationship:
create a common language that disarms:
when the pain from the past is brought to life, you and your partner can recognize it:
“here comes the way into the fire. Let's go another way.” Or "Now the storm is coming, let's secure our tent" etc.
Separate the past from the present "this is not about us being a bad match, but about the past hurting.'
You can both understand that it is about the past - and that the old patterns should preferably not break into the present.
You can normalize and dramatize. You can choose new reaction patterns. Eg. can you say “I don't cover my dissatisfaction until I explode. Instead, I talk openly and respectfully about my needs.”
In a relationship with mutual respect, the good contact between you will be able to heal the old pain. Instead of expecting failure, wounds and pain, you will gradually be able to start expecting cohesion, joy and security - because you get concrete experience that it can be done.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
If you are in a relationship where you encounter a lack of understanding, love and support, you will benefit from developing the relationship in a safe direction, possibly via couples counseling.Difficulties in a relationship are always rooted in past experiences. Each partner does his/her best, but does not always have the easiest conditions. At the same time, look for other relationships with friends and family where you feel safe and understood.
4. Prioritize time for inner peace - and steer clear of stress
Stress can reinforce the negative reaction patterns that belong to the disorganized pattern – and tone down the parts of you where you feel, think and act in a safe way. You and/or your partner may therefore feel: precisely when we are most challenged, your reactions also become a challenge - which adds even more fuel to the fire. Take responsibility for the vulnerability that shows up when your nervous system is stressed. Don't just think of it as special sensitivity that you and your partner have to accept. Instead, see it as a hypersensitivity that is conditioned by overload and adversity earlier in life. And which you and your partner have to learn to take care of so that it is cured as much as possible
Plan time for breaks, quiet, reflection and rest. Set aside time each day for your nervous system to calm down. Remember that you, as a sensitive, will be even more deeply affected by the wounds of the past - and understand that self-care will strengthen you, and that you, as a sensitive, will also be even more strongly positively affected by the good things you do here and now to create change. Be a problem solver. Life is full of challenges, problems, mistakes and difficulties. Instead of sinking into disappointment with yourself and others, you can focus on finding and creating solutions. Take one problem at a time and focus on what can be done - instead of mixing all problems together and give up.
5. Work on letting go of the past, being present in the present and opening up to the future
An image of how the disorganized states can come again and again is if an icy winter comes:
1. the heat is turned up very high, 2. more energy is used, 3. you wear warmer clothes, 4. some days you snowed in and can't get out of your home. During that period, you develop a behavior that suits very cold weather.
Then it's finally spring and summer, the weather is warmer, but you keep turning up the heat and putting on woolen cloves. Holding on to the old defense mechanisms, where the brain was overloaded and without a strategy, is equivalent to "keeping the cloves on, even though it's no longer cold." In reality, it is possible to release the old pain, change behavior and give your brain a strategy it can follow.
1. It is more difficult to let go of the past if your partner's behavior and reaction patterns trigger insecurity - Does your partner's behavior in some ways remind you of the behavior that once led to failure and hurt in you? Then it is naturally more challenging to create change. If appropriate, you and your partner can benefit from couple talks.
2. Dwell on it when the atmosphere between you is actually better and more secure than what you have previously experienced. The brain has a thinking layer which often quickly recognizes the difference. But the feeling in the heart (feeling brain) and the sensation in the stomach (sensory brain) should preferably also be activated. In this way, you get a deeper healing and feeling of: "now it's different, now I can be safe."
3. Have joint plans and visions for the future that clearly remind you of new and secure values. Conversations, inner reflections and visualization can help you point the compass needle in a new direction. A healthy and safe direction, which is no longer based on the anxiety of the past - but instead comes from positive feelings in the present and positive expectations for the future.
A HSP coach and attatchment coach
Post by anne12 on Feb 15, 2023 7:45:26 GMT
Dealing with a partner with desorganized attatchmentstyle:
Examine these topics to preserve your own health inside of a bond shared with a loved one with attachment injury or trauma.
Can You Maintain Healthy Boundaries?
We cannot change others, but we can control our reaction to their behavior. When your loved one or family member displays attachment injury, can you walk away or realize that their behavior is not truly related to you? This is difficult sometimes, as individuals often lash out due to chaotic emotions and the inability to self-regulate.
Letting your loved one know your boundaries can benefit you – and them. Is your loved one ready for help? If they are unaware of the area of attachment therapy, pointing him or her toward resources to help with secure attachment might be of value.
Display Sensitivity and Attunement
Realize that everyone comes from a subjective place. Often, showing attunement and compassion for your loved one with attachment injury gives them a taste of secure attachment while also setting a good example. It is possible to heal attachment at any age.
Attunement strategies include verbal and non-verbal qualities:
Mirroring body language
Through attunement, your loved one can feel more secure, and being with less insecure people is far more pleasant.
Don’t Go on the Defensive
If your loved one shares a feeling with you, “I feel like my family doesn’t love or support me.” Or, “Everyone always lets me down.” Don’t come back with an immediate rebuttal. Respond while keeping in mind that it is their reality, their feelings. A compassionate response will validate their feelings and avoid the barrier that often arises with an instant rebuttal.
Sometimes we need to feel heard.
Brenee Brown, empathy Vs. sympathy - www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
Good phrases to repair a disorganized attachment with your partner or other:
I notice you, and what you need
I'm sorry, I scared you
I want to protect you, and you can count on me
Let me make things clear for you
If your partner runs off and is triggered/situational triggered:
Remember they are looking for love and at the same time gets frightened by it.
You can try give your partner contact every day, if it feels natural to you.
But only short!
By sms short and loving.
By phone short and loving
If you meet, short and loving
Be clear in your communication.
No ambiguities. No long explanations. Brief/short, concistent and loving
If your partner could be under a lot of stress and stops the relationship out of nowhere:
Find out if there are many things happening in your partners life, so it's clear if your partners thoughts fly around on everything else. For example, a new apartment, a new job and a life as a student after some years of sabbath. Right now, your partners behavior is not normal, but you nterpret it as a natural stage and do not know if you should let your partner push you away and sometimes hurt you every time, but support your partners situation right now and hope for a few days / weeks a normal level again? Does your partner ends up feeling sorry for her/his behavior and is willing to fight for it?
Keep on having the dialogue with your partner.
Remind your partner, that there is so much happening in her/his life right now, that it might be overwhelming for her/him. Investigate what kind of support, that overwhelmed part of your partner needs
Remember - If you have too much threat going on in a relationship, you'll lose the part of your brain that's actually interested in connection, intimacy, love, authenticity, and vulnerability.
Post by anne12 on Feb 15, 2023 7:51:51 GMT
The VAL method:
One of my friends has a dog called Valdemar. It has trauma and acts nerve-wracking to anyone other than my friend. Even she had to treat him carefully so as not to scare him away.
We went for a walk in the park and I pretended that Valdemar was not there, otherwise he would die of fear. At one point my friend would give me a treat I could give to the dog. I went there and held my hand as I walked, pretendend that the dog wasent there. After a while the dog came gently to me and took the treat. And I could also pat him.
I wanted to give the dog another treat and forgot to move carefully. I turned around and saw the dog into its eyes as I stretched out my hand with a treat.
The dog was getting a heart attack, so scared it became.
The dog jumped away with a kneejerk reaction.
It was too dangerous with my direct way.
This was also how it worked with my boyfriend.
Every time I reached out to him, he jumped away.
My method was to let my boyfriend come quietly to me.
My friend claimed that this method worked for most people. The method was to be there without making demands. Neither inside my head. The method was to rest in myself, just to be me.
I was curious about, what my boyfriend did without me having any projects on his behalf about what to do or not to do.
The more I practiced this method, the more it looked like love.
Wanting his best and my own best at the same time and giving freedom.
There was no sacrifice in this method and it did not require a lot of energy. It was just different from my auto pilot, that would be at the forefront of everything and have control.
My boyfriend became more attentive and he gave everything that I had longed for: closeness, enthusiasm, ease. Laughing together and having fun together at all