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Post by Kyotodreams on Dec 7, 2016 14:14:00 GMT
I just only now got acquainted to the attachment theory and I find it quite fascinating and accurate to be honest. I took a test and have been reading some type descriptions and can't believe with how much accuracy they describe my feelings and my SO'so actions. Now to my question: I have realised I score pretty high on the anxiety and low avoidance levels (preoccupied type) and the description of the type is pretty accurate in my case. For example that I tend to fall very fast for relationships, give in a lot of myself to them and spendoesn't awful amount of time thinking about them and seeking validation and reassurance. I am nowhere close to be proud of this but it is how I am and is want to work to change it. ..and I am in a relationship with a Dismissive Avoidant (DA). I didn't realise this until now but now that I read it so much makes sense: he is a workaholic, despite being with him for almost 4 years I still don't know lots about his past or very intimate things, he avoids conversations, he doesn't like to be around people, hates small talk and just loves to be overly focused in his work and hobby (technology). So now my question is. Is there any hope or any light in the tunnel for this? I plan to talk to him and get the book recently published to see if it helps both of us. I know he loves me and wants to make me happy. My question is that if there is any sense in working towards both of us going more towards the secure arena or if we are just so intrinsically different that we are better off appart? Thank you  |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2016 15:23:27 GMT
I don't think anyone can say if your relationship will work except the 2 people that are in it. I think both people will have to "tone down" their tendencies for it to work, but I think that any anxious or avoidant would have to do the same if they were in a relationship with a secure.
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Post by gaynxious on Dec 7, 2016 19:25:23 GMT
I don't think anyone can say if your relationship will work except the 2 people that are in it. I think both people will have to "tone down" their tendencies for it to work, but I think that any anxious or avoidant would have to do the same if they were in a relationship with a secure. I'd say not even the two people in the relationship can say if it will work. What's the relationship like? Is there lots of fighting and conflict? If so how are you each affected by it? I was in the anxious-avoidant trap for ten years but the first nine were tolerable for us. He wished we fought less but it didn't seem to threaten the relationship. The fighting didn't bother me at all it was the reason for the fights. Constant distancing, lack of meaningful communication, constantly being second priority to work. The last year had major life changes which have a tendency to cause new and more extreme issues in a relationship with and anxious and avoidant person. Suddenly fighting did present a threat to the relationship and despite my efforts to stop fighting the reasons for fights never went away so the relationship fell apart. Everything I have read says that the relationship can work with self awareness, certain skills or activities each person engages in in their own, and communication. But almost everything I read says it is a major undertaking and implies that you will probably be happier with someone else. That said happy couples must exist and I am sure their stories get told less. Ask yourselves what do you each bring to each other outside of the intimacy needs. Does this make the intimacy issue less important? how much are EACH of you willing to put in to making it work? The anxious often tries very hard because they are at some level dependent on the relationship. But the avoidant must be willing to communicate feelings and needs and exercise patience and forgiveness also. After four years I would say try to make it work with the skills from Attached, but also accept that this clash will never fully go away. The relationship will never be what either of you wants it to be. |
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Post by gaynxious on Dec 16, 2016 20:01:33 GMT
I've been thinking about this some and it seems if you are an anxious individual in a relationship with an avoidant and you really want it to work there are probably a few things you need to accept.
You will never really know how much the avoidant wants to and can make the changes necessary to make it work. Therefore, focus on your own areas of improvement and see how it affects the relationship.
Try to move yourself to a more secure attachment, this can be very hard while in the very relationship that triggers you and it will not be quick. In my own quest to become an 'earned secure' I have found a few things.
From an neurobiological perspective, anxious individuals have a hyperactive parasympathetic system, which often results in a failure to self regulate your emotions. When you are mad, you can't stop yourself from being mad, when you are sad, you cannot make yourself happy. This results in attempts to control or manipulate your emotional environment because that is your only means to controlling your emotions. Work on emotional regulation with a therapist.
Mindfulness is also a useful skill found to be lacking in both anxious and avoidant. On a case by case basis, maybe this is something both individuals could work on together.
Next, accept that the avoidant may have a set amount of intimacy they are even capable of. The anxious-avoidant pairing results in less intimacy than even the avoidant wants because the avoidant's insecurities are triggered. Becoming an earned secure should help to bring you closer once the avoidant realizes your behavioral changes are not temporary. However, the intimacy that can be given may still not be enough to emotionally satisfy your needs.
Looking back on my life I realize i have met happy secure-avoidant couples. But, in those cases there is still less outwardly obvious intimacy than I would like, but again behind closed doors who knows. I knew the avoidant in one particular relationship and she would describe her marriage as 'nice'. I for one would never be content with that. But it's a preference.
My best advice is work on you in a smart and effective way and see how that changes the relationship.
Best of luck
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