What a surprise, we broke up

Hi dann98, I'm sorry to hear it didn't turn out well. From your posts, she sounds like she has severe issues, so many red flags beyond avoidant behavior and you could be even more hurt if the relationship were to continue. It really is for the best for both of you. I sincerely hope you find a great, sympathetic Secure - they're out there. Believe it!

I think when the relationship started heading south, all of us instinctively try to do some self-searching, to see if we contributed to it in some way. A good barometer of psychological health is the willingness to spot the dysfunctional within self. For me, not admitting to mistakes, inability for introspection or apologizing for poor behavior is a great big red flag for some kind of disorder. Another is repeatedly raising the same *past* issue, unable to let go and turn a new page. There seems to be a lack of respect and willingness to come to the table to work things out, so yes, lots of red flags.

It is a bad sign that she makes you feel so much negativity, as you described. Did she actually say all that to you? These are pretty hardcore devaluation. This is an important distinction, because if she didn't, and you projected all that, then the issue may lie with you. However, if those were her words to the effect, then you ought to run as far away as possible.

The only time when I felt that from a partner was when I was with a Cluster B disordered partner who needed incessant validation due to a huge hole within and intense shame. You are left high and dry, because they can never get enough of validation, and when the positive praise, affirmation and admiration are not forthcoming, from you or those around them, they go for the jugular, the negative, saying words to the effect "You're worthless, you ruin everything, you are useless, etc." as that provides "supply" too, for them.

Again, if she said those things, she is troubled, but if she didn't, then you might want to look inwards to ask yourself why you feel this way.

I really like this survey of happily married couples by Mark Manson. A relationship is an ongoing project, "partnering" means finding the person who can weather the doldrums and sticking with it through thick and thin, even if you were to fall out of love for weeks, months, or even years. Although we might be a long way from marriage, I feel that the wisdom of successful couples might help us spot the qualities in ourselves and others to nurture, and the results are quite surprising:

Those comments about "supermodels" and looks are quite bizarre. If it sounds weird, trust your own instincts.

Healthy relationships should feel effortless, as if you've got each other's back.

There was a comment in the same Mark Manson survey about a relationship being very similar to a fragile china - you take care not to break or shatter it as even if you were to glue the pieces back together, it won't have the same strength as before, and if you break it a few more times, it becomes irreparable.

There will be fights but you don't bring out the big guns, unnecessarily. I figure the kind of situations for the big fights are the likes of sleeping with one's best friend, etc.

Ordinarily, if you don't need to stress the relationship, you don't, as your partner and your relationship are meaningful and important and deserve due respect. A normal person would handle with care.

You shouldn't be feeling this bad when you're with your partner - it isn't always happy, but it should sort of "hum" along, like a well-oiled tandem. Someone who is flippant with your feelings and lashes out unnecessarily probably has deeper issues that are a result of their own past, and you will continue to suffer the same unless they seek treatment. Until then, it is better to stay away, distance yourself from the negativity, or you will be eventually damaged by their words and actions.

So you did the right thing, congrats on getting out of a crazy-making situation.

Hi dann98,

I'm not sure that moving away with her job is "avoidant", she might be simply prioritizing her career. However, there were plenty of incidents in your posts that trouble me, eg. faulting you for walking on the pavement when she was walking in the snow...they are such trivia...a normal person would simply laugh and say "Hey! Gimme some space big guy, I'm falling over here!" It's a lot of nitpicking, when she can simply tell you exactly how she would like to be treated/offered space/feel loved.

She sounds like she doesn't care very much about you or your feelings. Good-natured teasing is fine. Subtle put-downs are a very very bad sign.

I don't use the term "disorder" lightly. I'm also not naive - there are truly awful, morally corrupt people out there who will do ANYTHING to get what they want, rules and laws are merely obstacles to be broken or circumvented. They are not really disordered, unless they are psychopaths with zero empathy.

The disordered partner I had used gaslighting, projection, devaluation, etc. on me, for no rhyme or reason. With research, I finally understood what was really going on. He was repeatedly "hitting own goals", so to speak, and I was bewildered because he was hurting hard the person who gave him the most.

His disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, also meant he will refuse all introspection as he cannot admit to being wrong in any way. Hearing a different opinion from another, someone offering counsel or advice, someone succeeding with a different method, etc. ANYTHING that doesn't validate a pwNPD (person with NPD) and his ways is an affront, a challenge, an attempt at control, waving a red flag at a raging bull, putting him down, etc., to him. For him or against him.

Needless to say pwNPDs cannot be diagnosed, unless they volunteer to be, and since they *can never submit/be wrong*, they think you should be the one getting fixed instead, and they will warp reality to get you and the therapist to doubt yours and "see" that.

It becomes crazy-making - all you can do is to stay down, below them, or walk away. Quickly.

I strongly advise everyone to read up on disorders - I really had no idea and was bamboozled. It has helped me identify red flags, in both men and women. While the male NPDs go for the BIG prize, the female covert narcissists I know are as scary...really entitled and don't see anything wrong with expecting to be treated like princesses, with men "at their service" - 100% attentiveness, listening to their endless dramas, buying gifts for them, planning lavish vacations for them, gimme, gimme, gimme....

When I first met them, I thought they were the sweetest, cutest, most wonderful, charming, delightful, highly intelligent ladies. We laughed, shared, gave each other treats, and then slowly, the red flags started springing up. Lies (both small and whoppers), lining people up on a hierarchy, saying something that sounds innocent but is in fact a very hard jab at someone, very manipulative and maneuvering round others to get their way, disrespecting boundaries, stalking in real life and on social media with fake accounts, ...and oh boy, one even relished going to the therapist with her severely depressed ex so that she could "take notes", she was lapping it all up, to improve her "methods"...

Surprisingly, she has no trauma at all in her life, she was a "princess" all the way from birth. The only tell-tale sign was the way she described how her mom hookwinked her father all the time, but it sounded like sweet, cute, domestic comedy and bliss, we even joked about writing a book together one day about "the tricks" she's learned. I'm a hopeless novice when it comes to men in comparison.

She comes across as *innocent*, it's so well-disguised, but she knows exactly what she's doing!

With hindsight, I start to understand the absence of old friends despite living in the city for decades, their exfriends and colleagues were all "toxic", I can deconstruct and explain blow by blow what was going on, recall instances when their mask dropped, etc. however, as a new friend, I was hookwinked for a long time as well. I only felt it in the gut, realized I was also giving and giving, felt very uncomfortable in her presence, eg. when I heard gossip, something nasty and disloyal, a jab at her best friend behind her back but which sounded like she was concerned for her...and my own past relationship with the NPD partner helped me to identify the very similar larger traits, despite both and their methods being as different as night and day.

So begin first with yourself, as I don't know you or your partner, ask yourself tough questions if you harbor disorders (self-tormenting neurosis we all have, but disorders are the ones that affect/"splash" others) and be brutally honest. This is very important, first to get yourself on the right path with therapy if you are the one with problems, and secondly, if you are unsure in any way, if you have any doubts, that's the chink in your armor the disordered person will go for like a heat-seeking missile.

If you know for a fact you're clear, trust your gut instincts. Your body will pick up predatory cues that your mind, logic and social conditioning might miss. If you don't feel right with someone, try to talk it out, work it out. A normal, healthy partner will meet you at least half of the way. An unhealthy partner will feel it's all on you, and it is very unlikely for a disordered person to change. They can try to change their behavior if they really want to keep the relationship, but their personality will likely remain.

It's not easy to forget them because they are after all *charming* - when they put on that persona that makes everyone swoon. You only wish they'd saved some of that for *you*, their loved one.

Again, the right relationship/partner will feel *good*. You should both be holding each other up and watching out for the other. If it is the opposite, it's likely a bad match.

Good luck and enjoy your summer vacation, there are plenty of fish in the ocean! I'm going to be away myself, and might not post for a while, so hope it all turns out well for you.