Post by stardusty on Dec 18, 2016 4:16:28 GMT
Hi, my first post after finding Jeb's work and really getting good insight into attachment types.
I started going out with a 42yo divorced woman 3 months ago. She's very independent, highly self-sufficient, a creative freelancer (her work almost defines her life and is almost always busy) but seems to have a history of short/bad relationships, including a messy divorce to a younger man whom she married after 8 months together. In her words, it was 'so bad' she had to do everything she could to get out. I think this incident really caused her walls to be up and she said on our 2nd date that it's very difficult for her to like a guy.
A month ago I told her I was really fond of her and would like to start dating and see how it goes. I kissed her. She seemed interested and open to try it out. We agree to take it slow, but at least some kind of relationship would start. In fact after that, she responded to my messages more promptly and I didn't feel as awkward about asking her out anymore. Still, everything is on her own terms and had to fit her schedule. I was the one making time and setting dates up.
In fact all this time, she was very limiting with her text and communications. On rare occasions she would initiate a text or two, or send some selfies (but usually it felt like she's in a good mood). She never once called me, I was always calling. We had a 3-hr phone call that lasted deep into the night early on and I keep going back to that moment - I know now that it's classic Anxious behaviour.
Just last week, after a nice evening, I brought up the topic of our 'r'ship' again and she suddenly said she's not looking for one and prefers to focus on her career. She repeated again that it's hard for her to like someone, and that she doesn't want to get married and expects nothing from anyone (which is odd because I mentioned nothing about marriage or expectations). She said she went on a family trip and realised she didn't miss me and hence didn't text me a lot either, so as not to lead me on (when she already had). She also said she's not seeing anyone.
I pressed a bit more, asking why if she wasn't interested she didn't let me know earlier. She said it was that there's no interest, it's just...then trailed off. I can't remember what else was said. The whole rejection didn't sound convincing but I took it at face value and accepted it without probing further. Just accepted that her interest wasn't anywhere near enough.
I dropped her home that night and wished her the best. She said I could text her that night if I wanted, but of course I didn't. Been on cold turkey since. Took her off social media feeds, but my mind is still thinking about her a lot.
How much of this is DA or was it simply a case of she not knowing what she wanted and I should be thankful I brought it up that night and she ended it? If I hadn't brought it up, I could still be stuck in this fantasy of being in some kind of r'ship with this woman while she push/pull as long as she likes.
I actually really wish I could get past this and go back to being platonic friends because she can be great one, and I miss her in that regard.
I started going out with a 42yo divorced woman 3 months ago. She's very independent, highly self-sufficient, a creative freelancer (her work almost defines her life and is almost always busy) but seems to have a history of short/bad relationships, including a messy divorce to a younger man whom she married after 8 months together. In her words, it was 'so bad' she had to do everything she could to get out. I think this incident really caused her walls to be up and she said on our 2nd date that it's very difficult for her to like a guy.
A month ago I told her I was really fond of her and would like to start dating and see how it goes. I kissed her. She seemed interested and open to try it out. We agree to take it slow, but at least some kind of relationship would start. In fact after that, she responded to my messages more promptly and I didn't feel as awkward about asking her out anymore. Still, everything is on her own terms and had to fit her schedule. I was the one making time and setting dates up.
In fact all this time, she was very limiting with her text and communications. On rare occasions she would initiate a text or two, or send some selfies (but usually it felt like she's in a good mood). She never once called me, I was always calling. We had a 3-hr phone call that lasted deep into the night early on and I keep going back to that moment - I know now that it's classic Anxious behaviour.
Just last week, after a nice evening, I brought up the topic of our 'r'ship' again and she suddenly said she's not looking for one and prefers to focus on her career. She repeated again that it's hard for her to like someone, and that she doesn't want to get married and expects nothing from anyone (which is odd because I mentioned nothing about marriage or expectations). She said she went on a family trip and realised she didn't miss me and hence didn't text me a lot either, so as not to lead me on (when she already had). She also said she's not seeing anyone.
I pressed a bit more, asking why if she wasn't interested she didn't let me know earlier. She said it was that there's no interest, it's just...then trailed off. I can't remember what else was said. The whole rejection didn't sound convincing but I took it at face value and accepted it without probing further. Just accepted that her interest wasn't anywhere near enough.
I dropped her home that night and wished her the best. She said I could text her that night if I wanted, but of course I didn't. Been on cold turkey since. Took her off social media feeds, but my mind is still thinking about her a lot.
How much of this is DA or was it simply a case of she not knowing what she wanted and I should be thankful I brought it up that night and she ended it? If I hadn't brought it up, I could still be stuck in this fantasy of being in some kind of r'ship with this woman while she push/pull as long as she likes.
I actually really wish I could get past this and go back to being platonic friends because she can be great one, and I miss her in that regard.
