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Post by jacobsladder on Jun 19, 2018 10:51:40 GMT
My FA ex (non relationship) can’t stand the thought of me disliking her, why does she care so much?
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 19, 2018 11:23:26 GMT
Honestly..that seems extremely personal (the "why" part). Can you ask her?
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Post by jacobsladder on Jun 19, 2018 11:59:12 GMT
Through out our entire non relationship, whenever I was upset due to her behaviour, her motivation for forgiveness was not so much for me to be okay with what she might have done to upset me, but for me not to dislike her. She’s said it to me countless times “I don’t want you to dislike me” then when she was sure I was no longer upset with her, she would distance herself. She still does it now we’re friends. Her response is usually “I care what you think” but then her actions say otherwise. It’s like in her head she needs to know that I like her, yet she doesn’t really seem to care how I feel. Why would someone need to be so desperately liked by someone they don’t care about?
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Post by ocarina on Jun 19, 2018 12:46:38 GMT
My FA ex (non relationship) can’t stand the thought of me disliking her, why does she care so much? Maybe because her self worth is linked to being admired/ liked / loved - if she is disliked by someone that makes her a villain in their eyes and her own - then from this springs guilt, shame etc |
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Post by jacobsladder on Jun 19, 2018 12:54:13 GMT
My FA ex (non relationship) can’t stand the thought of me disliking her, why does she care so much? Maybe because her self worth is linked to being admired/ liked / loved - if she is disliked by someone that makes her a villain in their eyes and her own - then from this springs guilt, shame etc Thank you ocarina, that makes a lot of sense. |
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Post by ocarina on Jun 19, 2018 13:12:20 GMT
Not sure if this is related to attachment style - but my ex partner couldn't bear hurting anyone - not because he cared how they felt - or could even perceive what they were experiencing, but because it made him feel bad about himself - subtle but important difference!
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Post by jacobsladder on Jun 19, 2018 13:29:26 GMT
Not sure if this is related to attachment style - but my ex partner couldn't bear hurting anyone - not because he cared how they felt - or could even perceive what they were experiencing, but because it made him feel bad about himself - subtle but important difference! That sounds a lot like my ex. It’s like she wouldn’t even pretend to care how I felt, it was all about her getting out of jail. It kind of defeats the purpose of apologizing. I wasn’t sure if it was attatchment related either, but I was curious. This avpd description could be deemed relevant.. “People with AvPD often consider themselves to be socially inept or personally unappealing and avoid social interaction for fear of being ridiculed, humiliated, rejected or disliked. They generally avoid becoming involved with others unless they are certain they will be liked.” |
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Post by kristyrose on Jun 19, 2018 17:44:36 GMT
jacobsladder, My FA ex always wants to be liked and perceived as the "nice guy". After he broke up with me last year, he proceeded to keep reaching out offering to help me with various things around the house, told me to come to the park by his house for visits etc. When I pointed out to him later how selfish it was to keep reaching out when I was grieving our relationship, he didn't understand and could not empathize how hurtful and confusing this was for me. Even now, we still spend time together and while he still employs distancing strategies, he insists on doing things around the house and even asks me if my sister still "hates him" for breaking up with me. (she does). He is preoccupied with appearing like the good guy and even showed up at my birthday party knowing my friends don't really like him, but insisting on being there and making an effort to talk to everyone. He barely did that when we were together!
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Post by jacobsladder on Jun 20, 2018 0:18:25 GMT
jacobsladder, My FA ex always wants to be liked and perceived as the "nice guy". After he broke up with me last year, he proceeded to keep reaching out offering to help me with various things around the house, told me to come to the park by his house for visits etc. When I pointed out to him later how selfish it was to keep reaching out when I was grieving our relationship, he didn't understand and could not empathize how hurtful and confusing this was for me. Even now, we still spend time together and while he still employs distancing strategies, he insists on doing things around the house and even asks me if my sister still "hates him" for breaking up with me. (she does). He is preoccupied with appearing like the good guy and even showed up at my birthday party knowing my friends don't really like him, but insisting on being there and making an effort to talk to everyone. He barely did that when we were together! Puzzling behaviour. It may have been the result of the shame he felt from how he was perceived as the villain by you and your friends during the relationship. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 20, 2018 3:14:28 GMT
I think if we are honest..we all want to be thought of kindly by those who matter to us. However, I think how we show that a person "matters" may not be a way in which the other person receives that message..as such, it can look very selfish and self entitled. I think oftentimes these come from a very young place for which considering the "other" may not have formed yet. To some degree, we are all wounded children in adult suits.
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Post by jacobsladder on Jun 20, 2018 3:32:10 GMT
I think if we are honest..we all want to be thought of kindly by those who matter to us. However, I think how we show that a person "matters" may not be a way in which the other person receives that message..as such, it can look very selfish and self entitled. I think oftentimes these come from a very young place for which considering the "other" may not have formed yet. To some degree, we are all wounded children in adult suits. Very well said. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jun 20, 2018 18:20:55 GMT
Hi tnr9 and jacobsladder, I agree, very well said and definitely true. I didn't see my ex as the villain in our relationship, or even now, I see him as someone who is hurting and unwilling to face what is going on inside. I am also hurting and dealing with that wounded child, so for me, when friends or family seem confused as to why I still see him, I have to just follow my own heart and mind and not listen to their one-sided views. I get it, they want to see me happy and protect me, but I know my ex is not a monster and I know he tries in his own way to be kind, however, I also know he can be very selfish and hurtful when it comes to ensuring his own comfort and keeping up appearances. It's all quite complicated, but I think having compassion and understanding is all we can do. I know he won't change, he has told me he doesn't believe in therapy. I want to walk away entirely, but I also know I am not yet ready and that I still love him. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 20, 2018 23:57:11 GMT
Hi tnr9 and jacobsladder , I agree, very well said and definitely true. I didn't see my ex as the villain in our relationship, or even now, I see him as someone who is hurting and unwilling to face what is going on inside. I am also hurting and dealing with that wounded child, so for me, when friends or family seem confused as to why I still see him, I have to just follow my own heart and mind and not listen to their one-sided views. I get it, they want to see me happy and protect me, but I know my ex is not a monster and I know he tries in his own way to be kind, however, I also know he can be very selfish and hurtful when it comes to ensuring his own comfort and keeping up appearances. It's all quite complicated, but I think having compassion and understanding is all we can do. I know he won't change, he has told me he doesn't believe in therapy. I want to walk away entirely, but I also know I am not yet ready and that I still love him. Hey Kristyrose...my friends and family are also confused by the fact that I still engage with B. Some friends have even distanced themselves from me. But just like you, I still love B..as wounded as he is. I think where I trip up is that I get so very hopeful that he will change his mind and then when he acts like..him...then I just go through all kinds of sadness. I wish I could remove all my wishes for a certain outcome..I wish I could just be so casual about him...but I haven't been able to. It feels like being given a breadcrumb of attention and trying to make a meal of it, while feeling so very "empty" all the time. |
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