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Post by notalone on Jun 22, 2018 14:25:40 GMT
I just wanted to say you sound very grounded and aware lilyg . These things are hard and I don't think there's a right or wrong answer, but I think whatever you decide you will handle well. Wishing you the best! |
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Post by boomerang on Jun 22, 2018 14:34:33 GMT
I think the closer you are to secure, and the more willing he is to think about why he reacts the way he does (and let you know what he needs in that respect), the better the chances if you decide you want to try and have the patience and the process doesn't trigger you.
It seems to me that communicating --well--what one wants in various aspects is really important for both sides. It just can't come off as a condition though. That's challenging, I am just terrible at it, but people who can communicate their needs in a non-threatening way give a real gift to any relationship. It can be a relief to be freed of the pressure of giving someone what what you think they want and instead to know what makes them happy. Wanting to make someone happy and being able to do so moves things forward. A lot has to line up, though--what one person needs, the other has to be capable of giving--that's where one has to have self knowledge, and not fall into the trap of overly accommodating or overly suppressing oneself. I have found that aspect extremely challenging in my own relationship, but I am an AP and far from being a secure.
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 22, 2018 14:40:07 GMT
I think the closer you are to secure, and the more willing he is to think about why he reacts the way he does (and let you know what he needs in that respect), the better the chances if you decide you want to try and have the patience and the process doesn't trigger you. It seems to me that communicating --well--what one wants in various aspects is really important for both sides. It just can't come off as a condition though. That's challenging, I am just terrible at it, but people who can communicate their needs in a non-threatening way give a real gift to any relationship. It can be a relief to be freed of the pressure of giving someone what what you think they want and instead to know what makes them happy. Wanting to make someone happy and being able to do so moves things forward. A lot has to line up, though--what one person needs, the other has to be capable of giving--that's where one has to have self knowledge, and not fall into the trap of overly accommodating or overly suppressing oneself. I have found that aspect extremely challenging in my own relationship, but I am an AP and far from being a secure. I agree..and I think there is a certain freedom in owning your own stuff...meaning, speaking about the things that trigger you in a non judgemental way..either towards yourself or the other person. I have trust issues....always have...but I am finding that owning that in a very non judgemental way frees me to be myself while letting the other person know that my trust issues are not about them...they are a carry over from my past that I am working on. |
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Post by mrob on Jun 23, 2018 8:46:06 GMT
If you haven’t done it already, I suggest you read Jeb’s bad boyfriend book. It’ll answer a lot of the questions you’ve just brought up.
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Post by lilyg on Jun 23, 2018 9:28:28 GMT
If you haven’t done it already, I suggest you read Jeb’s bad boyfriend book. It’ll answer a lot of the questions you’ve just brought up. Thank you, I'll order it right away 😁 |
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