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Post by gaynxious on Dec 26, 2016 18:25:41 GMT
I've done some reading on how avoidants are often seductive at the begining of a relationship in a subconscious attempt to distract a potential partner from getting too close emotionally. I'm wondering if sexuality in general becomes a means to avoid unpleasant experiences such as awkwardness.
My avoidant ex experienced a pretty drastic personality change and suddenly for the first time in his life desired and even needed friends and social interaction. He had a great deal of difficulty making friends but got plenty of attention due to getting in ridiculously great shape. He would tell me about wanting to hang out with someone to become friends but almost invariably ended up hooking up with them even if he wasn't attracted to them and it going no where or becoming more of a we say hi and chat when we run into each other but never plan to hang out. Obviously there are sociosexual dynamics in the gay community that do not exist in the straight world.
Is this inability not to have sexual relations with a social interest a common means to avoid intimacy or to form a bond without the normal disclosure of personal info or feelings?
I would say he has slept with the vast majority of the friends he has made, often only once. The exceptions are people he is very much not attracted to or are not sexually available or are not into him.
He is self aware enough to recognize he has sex for validation and doesn't like to have sex with someone more than once because to solicit for a second encounter gives them a chance to reject him. But not self aware enough to realize this isn't healthy.
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Post by rosalie on Jan 16, 2017 2:45:38 GMT
I know this is a bit late on the reply, but author/academic Dr. Sue Johnson has written about how attachment style affects one's sexuality. I have her book Love Sense and would recommend it. She has a whole chapter in that book about sex which I found very interesting. With regards to sex and avoidants, she discusses what she calls "sealed-off sex" and says the following:
"Those of us who are avoidant, that is, uncomfortable with emotional closeness and dependence on others, are more likely to have what I term "sealed-off sex." The focus here is on one's own sensations. Sex is self-centered and self-affirming, a performance aimed at achieving climax and confirming one's own sexual skill. Technique is prized; openness and vulnerability shunned. There is little foreplay, such as kissing or tender touching. And no cuddling afterward - once the Big Bang occurs, there's nothing left. Partners' feelings are deemed insignificant and easily dismissed. Because pleasure without emotional engagement is shallow and fleeting, this kind of sex needs continual boosting to be thrilling. Novel techniques and new partners can momentarily heighten excitement, but incessant experimenting can lead to unsafe practices and coercive pressure being applied to partners who are hesitant to participate."
She also says that "sealed-off sex is most common among heterosexual men and can also be frequent among gay men, especially if they are not out about their orientation."
I'm not sure if you find that helpful or agree, but hopefully it's useful. There are a lot of very enlightening books on attachment theory by established academics that I've found really helpful, I'll try to list them in a separate post.
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Post by trixie5179 on Jan 16, 2017 14:05:01 GMT
I think this is useful to know, for sure (although when I was in a relationship with my ex avoidant I had no idea!). I definitely experienced the 'no cuddling' afterwards and also he would always leave the room for a couple minutes, but then always come back and want to be close again for a few minutes. Then, it was 'over.' This was so different from any other guy I'd been with before. At first it kinda hurt my feelings, because I felt like he was upset or something was wrong. But as our relationship went on, I realized it just was how he was..and that it was normal to him.
If we hadn't of broken up I may have eventually said something, but as it was, I leaned more towards letting him do what he felt comfortable with, and as long as I felt he was being loving (which he was), I was ok with it.
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Post by gaynxious on Jan 16, 2017 19:45:57 GMT
My ex was deff not into cuddling. He always left the second sex was over even though I didn't like it. He's definitely not selfish in bed. He even told me he has sex for validation and likes to be good in bed so that he gets more validation.
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Zack
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Post by Zack on Jan 19, 2017 15:15:46 GMT
In my long term relationship with a dismissive avoidant I would say the description of closed off sex by Dr. Sue Johnson was accurate. While closed off, from a man's perspective it has still been good because I genuinely care about her. But I have genuinely missed the foreplay and playfulness I experienced in previous relationships. The one thing I have found genuinely uncomfortable through the years though is the time prior and the time right after sex occurring are like minefields. Before it, once you get an idea where it is heading, any overzealous move or action can end the moment. Things that are intuitive in other relationships to move the process along can result in it coming to a rapid stop with an avoidant.
Once complete, your normal intuition says to laugh, be playful, cuddle, make them feel loved etc. But, with an avoidant these actions can lead to serious walls going up, and often times them firing back with some dismissive comments that can really wound you if you attempt to get too close. I've found it best to keep my mouth shut and just move forward with my day, night etc.
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Post by giselle on Jul 24, 2017 22:58:59 GMT
My exh, I'm assuming DA, waited 6 months LD to sleep with me. The sex was wonderful and connecting which flipped an awful switch in him. Immediately after it was over he got up, looked at me with cold, terrifying eyes and proceeded to berate me, call me a wh*re and demand "the truth" about my sexuality. I cried and he laughed at my distress.
An exBF perhaps FA or AP intentionally waited a month to sleep with me-the only woman he'd never slept with on a first date that he ultimately dated. The sex was connecting, experimental and beautiful. Period.
My most recent love interest wanted to cuddle with me a lot, but nothing more. He would not initiate kissing(except via gazing) or sex and when I did, seemed to be *almost* non reactive-no touching me with his hands except to brush my hair away even though we were in bed together, very little participation. He's had numerous one night stands and more make out partners than he can name. He has not been clear on what is happening for him when I asked.
DA can destroy your self esteem in ways that seem unpredictable and intentional if you've made yourself vulnerable to them. The ones I've known have a Madonna Wh*re complex or something like it.
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soho
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Post by soho on Aug 6, 2017 6:48:37 GMT
I (AP)'m my DA wife first and only partner, and in the beginning sex was nice, but then it went downhill and it became a struggle. Nowadays, there is almost no intimacy and if she agrees to have sex it's limited a couple of minutes. The worse thing is my wife blames me for everything. She's convinced I ruined her sex-life, and says the only way to improve the situation is that I should obey her orders.
I have been too clingy, and as Zack wrote, I should have kept by mouth shut after sex, but my wife really has no internal locus of control. She's really convinced I'm the (only) one to blame...
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Post by satori on Aug 7, 2017 21:06:40 GMT
This is so enlightening!
One of my major hang-ups with my DA was the quality of the sex we had. At the very beginning sex was very good and she was very into it. Once the honeymoon was over it turned into same routine, same position, over and over again. No variation what so ever! She never initiated sex or for that matter would touch me. I always started foreplay until she reached her orgasm and that was it. Early on in our relationship she told me that once she reaches an orgasm, she is done and and wants to turn over. On occasion she would look at me and say "You got 10 seconds to finish." or she would just push me away and say "I'm done." and walk away. When she did allow me to continue to have sex with her it was noticeable that her heart was not into it. She would just lay there disengaged, emotionally absent, and distant. When this occurred, there were instances where I just simply had to stop what I was doing and focus on the hurt that I felt being with an absent partner, who was laying right next to me not wanting to connect with me.
How I put up with it for six and half years is beyond me but I always tried make it not about the sex but about her and our relationship. Now that I have a better understanding of her attachment style, I can easily understand why she was so fearful of one of the most intimate act with her partner.
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soho
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Post by soho on Aug 23, 2017 20:13:16 GMT
Still don t know how to link it to the libido. Unless if fear or discomfort are impacting the hormones levels, I couldn't imagine the libido of a (some) dismissive person(s) would be lower.
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Post by jaleesa on Aug 24, 2017 12:01:06 GMT
Still don t know how to link it to the libido. Unless if fear or discomfort are impacting the hormones levels, I couldn't imagine the libido of a (some) dismissive person(s) would be lower. I didn't want to have sex the entire last year of my relationship with a DA because I didn't feel appreciated. My libido was completely gone. I'm single now and my libido has hit the roof. I think that if your body constantly in flight-mode, it has a huge impact on your stress level and this definitely affects your hormones. |
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Post by DearLover on Aug 25, 2017 17:14:54 GMT
My Avoidant ex was pretty seductive and made me feel like a goddess. I wanted to wait until we were more stable before having sex and he respected this, we even managed to sleep on the same bed without having sex until he finally busted my boundaries and I was so consumed with desire that I gave in. It was selfish sex and set the tone to what it was to come. He would chose when to have sex, only in the mornings, never in the evenings...I guess in the evenings there was no excuse to not spend hours foreplaying while in the morning we had to wake up and had breakfast. He had no trouble cuddling and was pretty affectionate however the lack of foreplay and his selfishness was wearing down my self esteem. He would promise more foreplay but never delivered. Forget about changing positions. It was the same old same old, until he had his orgasms and stopped...never asking if I was done or needed anything more.
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