|
|
Post by lilyg on Jun 27, 2018 8:46:50 GMT
The thing about liking going fast and wanting somebody to take care of him is a big, super no for me. Indeed, I ended dating a narcissist and it was one of the worst experiences in my life.
That ex even wrote me a 'romantic song' calling me the light of his life, but in the content of the lyrics, he finished with the idea of 'and now take care of me'. It was terrible to say the least hahaha. Believe me, it's an awful place to be. Men who think like that end up being abusive when their needs are not met (even if you're being super reasonable). Of course, it could be a joke, but if he goes too fast, I recommend you to run. I avoided the signs because I had trauma when I met him.
|
|
|
|
Post by queenmab on Sept 3, 2018 18:42:28 GMT
Ha! Thank you Juniper! I suggested the time which was pretty late and he called even later than that. Lesson learned! Also this website I am on is known for the way people can be very straight forward with their intentions...no judgement. There are some people that say exactly what they want and don't want very clearly. But this guys' profile was so well written and long. Funny, intelligent...he talks about how he isn't afraid of commitment, how he is old fashioned, how he is looking for a special bond, how he wants to bring colour to someone's life...I know it sounds soppy described this way but it is actually witty. I guess as a lawyer, he knows how to convince people! And something written like that attracts more women...Or maybe he is looking for everything he says he is but just not with me. Oh well. Next! Perhaps my over-reaction before his call was really a gut feeling? Who knows? Not much damage caused anyway, still a little though for an AP wanting to go secure. But I guess the lessons are worth it! In my opinion, it's best not to get sucked into lots of texts and phone calls before actually meeting up with someone you've met online. In the past I've made the mistake of doing exactly that, and it creates a false sense of intimacy and leads to you having too many hopes and expectations that will likely be dashed when you meet in person. Some emotionally unavailable men (and no doubt women, too...but I only have experience with men since I'm a straight woman) are all about having beautifully romantic and emotional text exchanges/phone calls, but, unfortunately, that's about the extent of what they are capable of emotionally. If I were you, I would keep text exchanges short and sweet (and avoid phone calls altogether) and meet up with people as soon as you can. And, oh yeah, somebody writing in a profile that they aren't afraid of commitment and they're old-fashioned, etc. doesn't mean shit. Somebody isn't going to write "Oh, by the way, I'm an emotionally unavailable assclown who will lead you for on week, if not months, because I'm incapable of commitment and have no character." |
|
|
|
Post by DearLover on Sept 8, 2018 20:06:18 GMT
I have very rare free time when I can go on dates due to be a single parent with virtually zero support so I am almost giving up the idea of dating altogether now.
Having said that, I am still on the website and I have been communicating with a guy though emails for a few weeks now, maybe 4. First it was because I was abroad but now that I am back, I haven't had the free time yet.
It is all on the friendship realm, I have been very grounded since this last experience described on the OP. He is keen but I am not excited. However I like our exchanges. He has asked for my phone number to move on to whatsapp (not even calls) so I refused. First I don't want to set up a situation where the communication will be done through text messages like my Ex DA BF. But I also don't want to get too close since we are only strangers. Phone seems ver intimate TO ME.
Anyway, he has given me his work website and I know he is who he claims. We talk about a lot of things. I think it is a good way to assess compatibility IF you can keep grounded which I am (too much for my liking if I am honest). He also knows that if we meet and there is no instant chemistry and attraction, we will move back to friend zone (where we are now) and that is it.
To be honest, I am concerned about meeting him and not feeling 'it' and having to reject, how do I say "I like you, but I am not physically attracted to you?' OUCH!
But I have to learn right? Knowing how to say no without guilt is really important too.
|
|
|
|
Post by happyidiot on Sept 9, 2018 23:22:26 GMT
I have very rare free time when I can go on dates due to be a single parent with virtually zero support so I am almost giving up the idea of dating altogether now. Having said that, I am still on the website and I have been communicating with a guy though emails for a few weeks now, maybe 4. First it was because I was abroad but now that I am back, I haven't had the free time yet. It is all on the friendship realm, I have been very grounded since this last experience described on the OP. He is keen but I am not excited. However I like our exchanges. He has asked for my phone number to move on to whatsapp (not even calls) so I refused. First I don't want to set up a situation where the communication will be done through text messages like my Ex DA BF. But I also don't want to get too close since we are only strangers. Phone seems ver intimate TO ME. Anyway, he has given me his work website and I know he is who he claims. We talk about a lot of things. I think it is a good way to assess compatibility IF you can keep grounded which I am (too much for my liking if I am honest). He also knows that if we meet and there is no instant chemistry and attraction, we will move back to friend zone (where we are now) and that is it. To be honest, I am concerned about meeting him and not feeling 'it' and having to reject, how do I say "I like you, but I am not physically attracted to you?' OUCH! But I have to learn right? Knowing how to say no without guilt is really important too. Do you think it could be useful to go on more than one date before making a decision? I mean, unless of course you meet him and just know you could never be attracted to him. Have you seen his photos? Why are you looking for instant chemistry? If you simply don't find him physically attractive, I think that it's ok to sugarcoat it. Being able to reject someone is very important, but personally I think that it's still important to do it kindly, especially if it basically comes down to looks. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Sept 9, 2018 23:45:19 GMT
I've said "I don't feel more than a friend chemistry," and that is usually received okay. Though I agree... if all goes well and you're not feeling intense sparks but you don't find him unattractive you can get to know him in person a bit better before you make a decision.
|
|
|
|
Post by DearLover on Sept 11, 2018 19:56:52 GMT
I've seen his photos. He is what people would say 'good looking'. But I am not attracted.
Also we have pleasant exchanges. No friction. It is all too nice. He is too nice. Boring. Predictable. We agree on everything. It feels like one of my girlfriends actually. Low intensity. Zero polarity.
If he never replied and disappeared, I wouldn't care.
It isn't adventurous, dangerous, exciting.
And I know this is my AP side talking.
I will meet him if I get the chance. Only if just to report back here, lol!
|
|
|
|
Post by happyidiot on Sept 12, 2018 0:37:15 GMT
I've seen his photos. He is what people would say 'good looking'. But I am not attracted. Also we have pleasant exchanges. No friction. It is all too nice. He is too nice. Boring. Predictable. We agree on everything. It feels like one of my girlfriends actually. Low intensity. Zero polarity. If he never replied and disappeared, I wouldn't care. It isn't adventurous, dangerous, exciting. And I know this is my AP side talking. I will meet him if I get the chance. Only if just to report back here, lol! Oh, I sure know that feeling! The only thing that gives me enough hope to continue meeting people I feel that way about prior to meeting them is that I have occasionally had that "he's not gonna be at all exciting' feeling but then actually felt a chemistry in person. In some cases it was when we ended up kissing, I realized I really liked kissing them at least, which was enough to motivate me to continue to get to know them better. And with another man, the first time we met in person we actually had a really interesting conversation and hotly debated some controversial subjects, which surprised me. So you never know. I'd say give it a chance, even try more than one date if you're not sure but you find them pleasant and good looking. I think that looking for instant chemistry and assuming it can't develop over time is a mistake that leads us to choosing the wrong people and putting in zero effort with people who we perhaps unfairly assume will always feel boring. We might even look for things to support for that prejudice. That's one reason why with internet dating I prefer not to spend too much time talking before meeting. I also like to remind myself that there are some people I really like who are NOT entertaining to text with but are fun/funny/interesting in person and I probably would have rejected them outright if I hadn't met them organically in person. Let us know how it goes! If you have to reject him after meeting or even after a few dates, that's ok, you can do it sensitively. |
|
|
|
Post by jaleesa on Sept 19, 2018 8:16:44 GMT
You asked a question and he could have at least answered that question. It's not that hard so I'm totally with you on that. I don't know why he didn't answer, but he could have given you an explanation or discuss a different timeframe, which both parties would be happy with. In general that's what communication in a secure relationship is all about: meeting each other halfway.
Ofcourse you have to be flexible sometimes, which is mentioned before, but maybe you had some important things to do and the fact that he didn't seem to take that into account and that he didn't seem to be open for discussion, would be a red flag for me.
I do think you sound a bit defensive though and this is the part where a secure would act differently in my opinion. I think a secure would just continue living their lives without anxiety. Oh he didn't answer my question? He didn't call? Well I'm fine anyway, no biggie.
No need to feel ashamed for setting boundaries. You don't have to end this but try to talk to him about it and see how he reacts. Try to be open for discussion yourself so he can be open as well.
|
|
|
|
Post by alissseee on Mar 7, 2019 0:51:57 GMT
This is reading as anxious to me. You haven't met the guy yet. I've had a lot of convos on dating apps that never escaped "small talk within the app territory". But I've never really met them so I tend to not care much.
|
|
|
|
Post by 8675309 on Mar 7, 2019 14:15:13 GMT
Old post but since its bumped. For new readers.
For me as a secure would assume hes not calling at that time, he did not confirm he was going to. Id actually see lack of interest by no response stating he could call or not. Interested people respond. I dont mean interest as in all these feelings... its interest in actually talking to see if there is interest. I also would have just went to bed/in my room with no device and talk the next day if he happened to contact. |
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Mar 7, 2019 23:11:21 GMT
I've seen his photos. He is what people would say 'good looking'. But I am not attracted. Also we have pleasant exchanges. No friction. It is all too nice. He is too nice. Boring. Predictable. We agree on everything. It feels like one of my girlfriends actually. Low intensity. Zero polarity. If he never replied and disappeared, I wouldn't care. It isn't adventurous, dangerous, exciting. And I know this is my AP side talking. I will meet him if I get the chance. Only if just to report back here, lol! This is your insecure attachment doing its thing. How can being nice without friction be not endearing? |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Mar 8, 2019 1:01:37 GMT
I've seen his photos. He is what people would say 'good looking'. But I am not attracted. Also we have pleasant exchanges. No friction. It is all too nice. He is too nice. Boring. Predictable. We agree on everything. It feels like one of my girlfriends actually. Low intensity. Zero polarity. If he never replied and disappeared, I wouldn't care. It isn't adventurous, dangerous, exciting. And I know this is my AP side talking. I will meet him if I get the chance. Only if just to report back here, lol! This is your insecure attachment doing its thing. How can being nice without friction be not endearing? - I thought the same. |
|
|
|
Post by sissyk on Mar 8, 2019 14:06:59 GMT
Old thread but interesting as I am again back (with decreasing enthusiasm) online "dating" a bit. One cautionary takeaway so far is if you have not met them in person, you know nothing, nothing, nothing. (Ok--you know they are good text or email conversationalists.) They are a chimera. Funny tale: I was recently chatting with a new fellow for about a week. We are both identical twins! Very smart and bookish! Exchanged tales of the best places to go lobstering! Funny banter! Silver fox type !
One morning, I awoke to find 5 new messages from him. Only they were not to me! The first one began "Whatever you think of me, I still love you!" So possibly sent to a wife? Or a girlfriend? in a drunken text misfire.  |
|
|
|
Post by 8675309 on Mar 9, 2019 12:17:03 GMT
sissyk Oopsie! What a bonehead! LOL The universe was at work and showed you him early on! Bye boy.
|
|
