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Post by DearLover on Jun 24, 2018 22:49:08 GMT
So... I was talking to this guy online. Not lots of talking, he asked for my number straight away. I had a sore throat and wasn't feeling well overall so I told him that.
Next day he asks me at 8pm if he can call tonight. I say yes and give him a time frame 10 - 10:30 and ask him if this is ok, he never replies so I imagine he will either call or not call, whatever. I get busy doing my stuff.
At around 10:15 I realise the time and think he is either about to call or not call at all. I carry on doing my stuff. At 10:30 still no call, so I log in to the website and he is online. I carry on doing stuff on my computer and in my home and checking the website from time to time, he is still online but no call. At 11pm I go take my laptop to my bedroom and I am about to close it and go for a bath but a message comes through...
he says: "is now ok to call?"
me: "go on... see if there is signal..
(I have warned him that the signal in my home is horrendous. He doesn't know but is especially worse in my bedroom and I was all the time on the side of the house where the signal was less worse just for his call)
he says: "it didn't work...why the signal is so bad?
me: "I don't know why the signal is bad the phone provider won't solve it...I could go to other place in the house to see if there is better signal but you are late anyway...are you always late? Try whatsapp call.
So my last message was around 11:10. Now it is 11:40. He didn't reply to me and probably didn't try whatsapp call because I usually get those. I know I might have come across as demanding and difficult but he was 30 minutes late for a call. He didn't even reply to the message when I suggested the time, to say that a little later would be better for him or etc...and he was online on the dating website anyway.
So I see this as me showing that I respect myself and my time and I do what I say I am going to do. And I am also punctual and I value punctuality. I still wanted to talk to him, gave him more time and an alternative. He probably got angry or embarrassed I pulled him up on being 'late', who knows?
Maybe on getting dates point of view, this wasn't a very smart move but I am just being myself, totally honest, open and speaking my mind. I wasn't being rude. He was being rude by being late.
This is Sunday late evening, there are no other excuses and if there is, why is he not brave enough to keep on communicating? He could just say I have been a
b*&^% for telling him off or something?
He probably messaged me at 11pm, half an hour late, asking if now was ok to call, just because he saw me online...
Otherwise, why didn't he call straight away even if it was 11?
I mean, I said 10 ~ 10:30
Who then messages at 11 asking if NOW is ok?
I must be totally over reacting right? Sure it shouldn't be this complicated...but if is even before the first call, then what is the point!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2018 22:59:01 GMT
i think a secure person would just set a boundary,
stick with it, and let things flow how they will without all this drama.
it seems like a major overreaction, to me.
and with phone difficulties to boot, you're not real accessible if you're going to have an attitude as well.
you have no idea what he has going on, what s this talk about excuses?
you sound incredibly defensive.
and flexibility is a plus, sometimes. you showed that by allowing another chance and then had to slap his hand with a late comment? i wouldn't bother calling you again lol! too uptight!!
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Post by DearLover on Jun 24, 2018 23:03:50 GMT
Because I have a very hard time with things being unclear I just messaged him again:
"Oooops I probably upset you, saying that you were late ;0
The signal is especially worse in my bedroom and I was where the signal is less horrible, by the sitting room window, just waiting for your call earlier on...When you messaged saying asking if 'now' is ok I was already on my bed"
No reply or nothing else.
Lets give it a miss and carry on trying to find someone on the website.
Or better just meet someone in real life
Or even better: Just being happily single and not worry about it. I have so much stuff that I should be getting on with instead of worrying about relationships. Especially relationships that aren't even relationships yet.
Yikes!
Long way to become a secure...
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Post by DearLover on Jun 24, 2018 23:10:48 GMT
i think a secure person would just set a boundary, stick with it, and let things flow how they will without all this drama. it seems like a major overreaction, to me. and with phone difficulties to boot, you're not real accessible if you're going to have an attitude as well. you have no idea what he has going on, what s this talk about excuses? you sound incredibly defensive. and flexibility is a plus, sometimes. you showed that by allowing another chance and then had to slap his hand with a late comment? i wouldn't bother calling you again lol! too uptight!! Thank you Juniper. I messaged him again before reading your comment. Yes probably a massive over reaction, still showing that I have open wounds bleeding. But it is annoying that I have trouble with the signal and I was in the good part of the house waiting for him and when I come to the worse part of the house, he then messages and wants to call. And he didn't even reply to me saying if 10 - 10:30 was good or not, it was a question with a question mark at the end. For all I know he wasn't going to call, it wasn't confirmed. And he was online all the time too. So probably flicking though other profiles instead of calling me as he said he would. Talk about a bad beginning. I probably scared him already! But I won't put the blame all on myself, oh no. I was flexible when I said he could still call even half an hour late and he could try the whatsapp call. Still he had no response to give...maybe he isn't good at taking responsibility for his actions. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2018 23:52:42 GMT
who knows, about him.
this is pretty intense for beginning dating, a lot of baggage you seem to be carrying.
maybe just be gentle, sit with your disappointment, and grieve.
i'm doing that.
it's a loving thing to do for yourself, in order to heal.
❤️
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Post by DearLover on Jun 24, 2018 23:58:12 GMT
Oh, good news!
He messaged on the site asking if I was still awake, at the same time there was a whatsapp message from him saying "hey"
I just saw both 15 minutes after so I thought, what the hell, and just called him myself..
He had a very sleepy (and beautiful) voice and we got on so well I was laughing within the first few seconds. He was already asleep when I called but he wasn't angry I woke him up.
I laughed so hard, my daughter woke up, she was in another room
He explained why he didn't call on time, I can't even remember, I didn't even care
I checked the website when we were talking and it showed as him being online...I asked him if he was online because it seemed weird that he was asleep few minutes before, had a very sleepy voice and was talking on the phone with me...and was also online...he said that it is probably because he didn't log out or something on his laptop, or something like that... he guaranteed he wasn't online...It could be true because I was observing other men and they seem to be there 24/7 which is very weird. Maybe it is how this website operates. I am just happy that I was relaxed and confident in bringing this up if this was in my mind.
Anyway, we clicked. I could be myself. We live so near each other! We will meet I am sure. Hopefully there will be physical chemistry too.
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Post by lilyg on Jun 25, 2018 10:04:43 GMT
Oh, good news! He messaged on the site asking if I was still awake, at the same time there was a whatsapp message from him saying "hey" I just saw both 15 minutes after so I thought, what the hell, and just called him myself.. He had a very sleepy (and beautiful) voice and we got on so well I was laughing within the first few seconds. He was already asleep when I called but he wasn't angry I woke him up. I laughed so hard, my daughter woke up, she was in another room He explained why he didn't call on time, I can't even remember, I didn't even care I checked the website when we were talking and it showed as him being online...I asked him if he was online because it seemed weird that he was asleep few minutes before, had a very sleepy voice and was talking on the phone with me...and was also online...he said that it is probably because he didn't log out or something on his laptop, or something like that... he guaranteed he wasn't online...It could be true because I was observing other men and they seem to be there 24/7 which is very weird. Maybe it is how this website operates. I am just happy that I was relaxed and confident in bringing this up if this was in my mind. Anyway, we clicked. I could be myself. We live so near each other! We will meet I am sure. Hopefully there will be physical chemistry too. I'd just focus on trying to make healthy boundaries like: 'Hey, I don't like people being late. I know it's a once-time thing but I just felt I needed you to know I respect your time and I'd like the same respect back' if it ever happens again. A secure guy will understand healthy boundaries expressed in a non-confrontational way. He won't overreact like an AP or flee because he feels pressured. These reactions are the 'red flags' you should notice. But try understanding that you don't know each other that much so he is not investing much from the start. Which is something very healthy for both  If that doesn't change with time, of course, you deserve better! Don't worry about him being online or not, the most possible thing that could have happened it's that he felt asleep with the laptop on. It always happens to me. And I'm also a mess with my phone and messages, it's not that I'm ignoring anybody. Good luck and I hope you can have a nice date with him  |
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Post by goldilocks on Jun 25, 2018 17:33:28 GMT
If you do not like late calls do not answer late calls.
Meet your own needs: Eat when you are hungry, sleep when you are tired...etc!
I gathered you are staying up past your comfy time, then sending a difficult message and putting him in a double bind: He can call and hear an angry voice or not call and have some flack coming up.
I do not. You are, imho, showing that while you value punctuality, but when the push comes to the shove, you disrespect your time and get angry with yourself, then take it out on him.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2018 17:39:58 GMT
If you do not like late calls do not answer late calls. Meet your own needs: Eat when you are hungry, sleep when you are tired...etc! I gathered you are staying up past your comfy time, then sending a difficult message and putting him in a double bind: He can call and hear an angry voice or not call and have some flack coming up. I do not. You are, imho, showing that while you value punctuality, but when the push comes to the shove, you disrespect your time and get angry with yourself, then take it out on him. hair trigger reactivity and blaming, also. be careful how you treat yourself here, but for goodness sake be careful how you treat him as well, it isn't all about you and if you can't be nice, don't date. you're rebounding and by your own admission still suffering- and you are bringing that to any potential partner. |
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Post by DearLover on Jun 25, 2018 20:27:02 GMT
If you do not like late calls do not answer late calls. Meet your own needs: Eat when you are hungry, sleep when you are tired...etc! I gathered you are staying up past your comfy time, then sending a difficult message and putting him in a double bind: He can call and hear an angry voice or not call and have some flack coming up. I do not. You are, imho, showing that while you value punctuality, but when the push comes to the shove, you disrespect your time and get angry with yourself, then take it out on him. I sleep very late at night and I don't mind late calls. I was annoyed about the fact that I waited in a certain place in the house just for him to call at the time I thought it was agreed but he decided to call as soon as I moved places and had zero signal. I think it also brought forward all of the annoyance I have been experiencing in the past 3 months since I moved here and realised the phone signal is bad...I had and still have many problems because of it. Also the fact that ex DA BF never ever called, even when I lived somewhere else with perfect signal. The idea that this guy was messing me around made me have this quick emotional burst, even though I didn't know if he was messing me around...even though I shouldn't measure him by ex DA BF actions. Now what I think is that a secure person, upon seeing his is online at the time of the call, would send him a message asking if he was going to call or not. So simple! But I am glad he didn't take it personally or became defensive. It was very refreshing. |
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Post by DearLover on Jun 25, 2018 20:30:48 GMT
If you do not like late calls do not answer late calls. Meet your own needs: Eat when you are hungry, sleep when you are tired...etc! I gathered you are staying up past your comfy time, then sending a difficult message and putting him in a double bind: He can call and hear an angry voice or not call and have some flack coming up. I do not. You are, imho, showing that while you value punctuality, but when the push comes to the shove, you disrespect your time and get angry with yourself, then take it out on him. hair trigger reactivity and blaming, also. be careful how you treat yourself here, but for goodness sake be careful how you treat him as well, it isn't all about you and if you can't be nice, don't date. you're rebounding and by your own admission still suffering- and you are bringing that to any potential partner. Yes. Thank you. I will be careful. I didn't know until it happened. That is why we need mirrors. I apologised and explained, he was fine with it. Now....will he call again? That remains to be seen.. |
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Post by DearLover on Jun 25, 2018 20:43:39 GMT
Oh and another thing is that I have an irrational 'fear' (for a lack of better word) of phone calls. Even with family I feel somewhat uncomfortable. I have been working on it for a long time. This might have played a part in the whole thing too. But he knew about it, I was quite upfront about the signal. the call 'phobia' and my sore throat before giving my number.
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Post by DearLover on Jun 26, 2018 22:48:43 GMT
Oh my gosh, it isn't the first time that I realise I have been too slow to understand the small print underneath something a man says...
Is it only me or is it an AP trait?
So, since he didn't call again yet(lol), and since the intoxication feeling wore off (yep I am AP still looks like) I can now decode what he said and wanted...here come the red flags:
- So, what are you really looking for?
- It is all there in my profile!
- I don't remember your profile ...
(wouldn't you think he would have had a glance just before calling to find something in common, something to talk about? something that really interests him?
- I am looking for a honest and real connection at first. And how about you? What are you looking for?
- Looking for someone to take care of me...(laughs) >>>>>> I realised today that this could mean a sexual encounter...
- I can't cook! (laughing / joking)
- I don't mind I can cook very well
- I can't clean either (laughing /joking)
- I pay a cleaning lady
- Do you mean take care emotionally?
I don't remember what next, then after that
- How fast would like things to go between us?
-What do you mean?
-Do you like taking things fast or slow?
- I like been spontaneous and living in the moment but I know I am not taking things too fast, how about you?
- I can take things very fast...I like going fast actually...
Also through the call he kept saying he couldn't 'read' me. And asked how flirty I am.
So I believe he is just looking for hook ups. That explain why he asked for my number so quickly and called without much interaction online regarding shared interests? Not bothering getting to know each other?
No investment. Which is fine, but I was open to get to know him because his profile suggested he wanted a real relationship. Unless for him real relationships start on the bed.
My profile is not suggestive at all and I have lots of smily and friendly but sober pictures, so I won't beat myself up. I guess this is how online dating goes.
Thankfully I dodged a bullet. He is good looking, intelligent and fun. I would be in such trouble!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2018 23:16:21 GMT
with online dating, there are a lot of people looking for hookups. men and women, actually- and profiles aren't a good way to tell. it takes some sussing out. it may be a good idea to arrange calls earlier in the evening, as booty calls are typically made at night. horny guy looking for phone action at the end of his day, or to tuck himself in with some flirty fun and thoughts of a new potential booty call. just one small way to narrow the chances. and try to just slow your roll. if he's late, wait till tomorrow. just observe, don't react to everything. mostly, notice yourself and the roller coaster of emotions and reactions. it's all a learning process. dating online = online education |
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Post by DearLover on Jun 26, 2018 23:31:03 GMT
Ha! Thank you Juniper!
I suggested the time which was pretty late and he called even later than that. Lesson learned!
Also this website I am on is known for the way people can be very straight forward with their intentions...no judgement. There are some people that say exactly what they want and don't want very clearly.
But this guys' profile was so well written and long. Funny, intelligent...he talks about how he isn't afraid of commitment, how he is old fashioned, how he is looking for a special bond, how he wants to bring colour to someone's life...I know it sounds soppy described this way but it is actually witty. I guess as a lawyer, he knows how to convince people! And something written like that attracts more women...Or maybe he is looking for everything he says he is but just not with me. Oh well. Next!
Perhaps my over-reaction before his call was really a gut feeling? Who knows?
Not much damage caused anyway, still a little though for an AP wanting to go secure. But I guess the lessons are worth it!
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If that doesn't change with time, of course, you deserve better!
