married to an avoidant are we changing roles? | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

married to an avoidant are we changing roles? Jan 9, 2017 3:55:14 GMT

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Post by Moriah on Jan 9, 2017 3:55:14 GMT

I am married to an avoidant. We have 2 children. He thinks asking us to sit down to dinner together is me being controlling. He at times is verbally abusive to me when I respond to what he is saying. Everything is my fault. When I talked about divorce, he has threatened to kick me out with the clothes on my back saying everything including the kids are his. I have decided its better for the kids to stay in the marriage (he pays for more than what I would get from child support) than having a nasty nasty divorce. I keep talking to the kids about what he does and talking about how it feels to them. They are teens and both get it. I am working with my daughter because she is dangerously close to being an avoidant herself. My husband has 2 jobs and basically is never home. I am a very caring person and he was too until our kids were about 5 and 3 years old. Then he "lost" his job (his doing) and got a job and worked out of state for 2 years. I worked part time and several times during that time I asked him to come home because I was so sick with the stomach flu that I was worried about my kids and I had to get a friend because he didn't care and refused to come home. I went through several years of a grief process about our marriage and now I'm here. he keeps his money separate and makes much more than I do. He pays the rent. (he doesn't want to own a home because he doesn't like the responsibility). He functions like we are all roommates living together. I constantly have to ask the kids to let me know where they are going etc because they simply do what they want when they are with him. He buys them what they want and thankfully they have not learned to exploit it. So this is how I cope. I have made sure that he pays much more in taxes and I pay much less than what I would normally owe for my income. I have slowly succeeded in transferring much of our expenses to him by just not paying it or allowing him to get anxious about our relationship and taking him up on offering to pay for things. (at least I don't buy designer clothes and I have a rather old car). I'm toying with the idea of transferring money to my brother (who knows what is going on) to provide for me to buy what I need as far as furniture, vehicle and household items when I do decide to leave. My husband has recently asked me if the way our family functions is satisfactory to me (I almost fell off my chair) but my response was: it is in no way, shape or form what I call a family. He said nothing, which is different than his normal "you don't know what you are talking about" My point is this: (aside from my admitting to my own cold behavior and admitting to what this eventually becomes) it appears when all is said and done that an avoidant does eventually get anxious. Is it narcissism that he isn't getting his validation fix that is causing his anxiety? Is this true of all avoidants? is he just using me to take care of the kids and to buy groceries? (no sex for years) and feels guilty and fears loosing his babysitter? is he having an affair? (I say have at it). Does he just want to continue pretending that we have a functional family and cares how it looks? Are we changing roles? (OMG). Is this a time he might be open to looking at his behavior in therapy? (he comes across as such a great guy) or will he throw me under the bus if we tried that? Comments welcome! Thanks for reading.

married to an avoidant are we changing roles? Jan 9, 2017 21:11:47 GMT via mobile

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Post by gaynxious on Jan 9, 2017 21:11:47 GMT

I can so relate to this question. I was recently dumped by my avoidant ex of 10 years. Our relationship was filling conflict pretty much the entire time and after about the first 6 months I felt a pervasive and consistent feeling of sadness and dissatisfaction. At one point in our relationship I was particularly dependent on him, I was a graduate student in New York City and he heavily subsidized me in terms of the rent so we could be together. During this time I had become so fed up with how unhappy he made me that I managed to turn my resentment inward to basically feel less attached to him. At some level I thought of him as merely a financial provider that I could come home to and planned on giving him a final ultimatum once I graduated from school. And an interesting thing happened, he came to me with emotional needs, often crawling into bed with me, we had our own, to wake me to cuddle and other things but in a very emotional and 'I need you' way. And largely I neither appreciated it or wanted it. It's strange when you attach you want it and are very sad when you don't get it, but if you manage to detach even though you still wish you had more it's hard to accept it. Probably because you know you can't expect it in the future.
I've read that in the rare event two avoidants actually have a relationship, usually one becomes anxious. I think under the right circumstances an anxious or probably even a secure with an avoidant can get so fed up but refuse to leave that they behave in an avoidant fashion and this basically makes the avoidant anxious.
This may not be the best situation for your children, they may very well adopt his avoidant behaviors being in his influence, which seems to concern you. But only you can decide. You can suggest counseling, but only he can decide whether to go or not and even if he goes only he will know if he is really trying.