|
|
Post by devastated on Jul 1, 2018 5:27:26 GMT
I can totally relate!!! My FA has reached out asking to be friends in an Email! It’s hard. You want to be with them. But do you continually put yourself in the position to be heartbroken!! |
|
|
|
Post by devastated on Jul 1, 2018 5:32:05 GMT
I can totally relate!!! My FA has reached out asking to be friends in an Email! It’s hard. You want to be with them. But do you continually put yourself in the position to be heartbroken!! You just need to stand back and think about things really hard. My FA vanished four months ago. No contact. Blocked me on everything. I finally wrote him an email the other week. Not expecting a reply. But he he did reply. Stating he didn’t want a relationship. But really wants to be friends!! I find being friends with an EX odd!! But I understand it’s the only way I’ll be able to get back into his life. I was totally unaware of attachments when I was with my FA. Now after reading about it and talking to people on here. I really understand it. If you want to be with your FA. You are going to have to take baby step and be patient!! |
|
|
|
Post by jacobsladder on Jul 1, 2018 11:09:40 GMT
I can totally relate!!! My FA has reached out asking to be friends in an Email! It’s hard. You want to be with them. But do you continually put yourself in the position to be heartbroken!! You just need to stand back and think about things really hard. My FA vanished four months ago. No contact. Blocked me on everything. I finally wrote him an email the other week. Not expecting a reply. But he he did reply. Stating he didn’t want a relationship. But really wants to be friends!! I find being friends with an EX odd!! But I understand it’s the only way I’ll be able to get back into his life. I was totally unaware of attachments when I was with my FA. Now after reading about it and talking to people on here. I really understand it. If you want to be with your FA. You are going to have to take baby step and be patient!! I’m unsure of what I want to do at this stage. But I can’t totally cut her out of my life due to certain external factors, even if I wanted to. At least not yet. Ghosting you like that is pretty brutal. If you let him back in to your life on any level, be sure to look after yourself. |
|
|
|
Post by ksanti on Jul 2, 2018 14:02:40 GMT
The same thing happened to me as well. My FA and I dated for 5 months before she suddenly called one night and cut it off saying she just wanted to be friends. It seemed to me we had a great start of a relationship; emotional intimacy and physical attraction (no intercourse, however, as I was patient with her after she said she wasn't ready yet). I was hurt and devastated and had to think a while. I started to read a lot based on past signs and what she told me about events in her past life and I was able to put it together. I didn't know personality types and what an FA was until I did some research and all the signs were there. I learned a lot and haven't discussed it with her yet, there will come a time.
It is difficult but not impossible to be friends. Whatever romantic feelings I may have is tempered by the fact that there will never be an intimate relationship with her, since she is incapable of it, and these will fade with time. I have accepted that fact and moved forward growing in the process as well. I have compassion and care a great deal for her so I don't want to cast her aside, for I think she can truly use a friend, and she meets some needs that I have as well, needs that I have expressed. I am not pining away or holding a candle, it is not going to happen. The friendship may never be equal but I think being there for someone has benefits you can't imagine. I have stopped thinking of expectations and outcomes and just accept for what is.
The tragic irony of all this is if she wasn't an FA, I would have never met her.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jul 2, 2018 16:22:58 GMT
Personally, I find accepting things as they "are" to be one of the hardest aspects for me...along with not "reading into" things. For instance, I had a great time with B a couple of weeks ago.....but he has recently cooled things down....and it has been a bit challenging to not get hopeful when things go well, but equally to not get disappointed when things cool off. It really is a shift in perspective that I am working on...but by no means have I mastered it.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2018 17:31:27 GMT
i think a lot of "friendship" arrrangements with exes have on one side a hidden agenda to try to move the relationship back into romantic territory.
If one is participating in the "friendship" with this motive or desire, it's highly unlikely that they are participating in the "friendship" in an emotionally honest, authentic way.
Which of course, is not a stable and healthy basis for a friendship or any other relationship.
so, this friendship business just seems like a mess, generally. that's just my opinion.
i'm on warm terms with my last partner but we aren't participating with each other in any capacity other than an occasional greeting, and it's for these reasons. The alternative to a false friendship (and by this i mean a friendship with additional desire or motives) is to accept the end of the relationship, face the feelings that entails, and try to be emotionally honest going forward.
it's not easy, but it's most authentic and healthy for me.
I care about him, i miss him, i wish the best for him and i both, and i wish things could have been different but i'm not in control of what came between us, and to a large degree neither is he. It's sad. we both were saddened by the outcome. but that's the reality and ultimately that is what i want to live and love in.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Jul 19, 2018 22:37:08 GMT
Don't do this to yourself expecting it's friends FIRST. Be a friend with no further expectations or take space for yourself. Here's a long version of what may happen if you keep going with it, hopefully not a thread jack:
I've been going on and off with my (ex?) FA for two and a half years, and I JUST figured out what was going on this whole time. I'm mildly AP, and we dated seriously for a year. Everything was great for about 8 months, and then he started to withhold sex. We ended up breaking up over it, except I really had no idea why we actually broke up. He kept trying to be friends when I needed space after that (he switched from avoidant before the breakup to anxious after when I wanted a healthy amount of space and wouldn't commit to friendship), and eventually told me he wanted to keep our friendship in tact because he inexplicably lost sexual attraction to me but still wanted me in his life. Extremely hurt, I told him I was going into no contact.
Fast forward another year, and I hadn't spoken to him for most of it because I'd felt so blind-sided, confused, messed up. We eventually became friends again, but he immediately jumped in hard and essentially dated me several times a week, without sex, and reached out daily for a few months... calling it friendship. I finally called him out on it, and it took so much patience and giving so much space and communicating very carefully (plus I dated others the entire time, though not seriously), but he finally came back after a few more months and asked me to really try again and work everything out. Though reiterated he was scared he was going to screw it up and lose me again, like when I felt pushed into going no contact after the first breakup. I was very wary but happy and optimistic he'd changed somewhat (he hadn't).
This lasted a matter of DAYS, and ended in a huge argument because he immediately went distant again and said he still wasn't feeling sexually attracted to me (which was the opposite of what he'd said and demonstrated a couple months earlier after I gave him several weeks of space, which he has now explained away as he was either drunk or sober-but-horny).
Now we're not speaking because he won't speak to me.. he said we should probably break up but he needs more space/time to think. It's been weeks, so I think we're broken up, and should be now that I finally understand he's FA and can't be happy with me -- even though he has told me he knows I'm a great partner and the problem at this point is in his own head. Plus, before me, since he's always been attracted to terrible/quasi-abusive partners, I think this eroding of attraction is in part because I'm not activating his anxiety through rejection. So I don't seem as exciting and passionate after the first 6 months when the honeymoon period hormones can override that.
It isn't malicious at all. It's completely fear-based due to childhood trauma, and he's severely lacking in self-awareness. We've always been incredibly close emotionally, with him telling me he's never been more comfortable with anyone (I'm his longest relationship), but it's clear he can't handle that nor the idea of losing me. But he also can't show up in a reciprocal way. I move away, he gets separation anxiety, I come closer, he panics and shuts down (the rest of the reason his attraction to me disappeared... too much closeness in too many different ways... so scary!).
I've suggested therapy, and he agrees he should go, but won't actually do it. As scared as he is to lose me, which he still tells me regularly, he's clearly more scared to confront his issues. I've done a lot of work confronting my AP issues over a long period of time, and can't try to make this work anymore, no matter how much I love him. Especially now that I think it's a lost cause because he won't do his work and I can't accept such an increasingly imbalanced relationship. I don't deserve to be jerked around and told we'll have a family but then deal with him ready to leave me with no notice and boomeranging around. And yes, I've told him the silent treatment and push-pull triggers me, and I want a reliable partner. Seems he can't help it.
Based on my experience, what you are after will only have a chance if she understands her issues and really wants to seek help and face the hard work to move towards secure, or if you're willing to always brush your own needs aside. I know mine will resurface (he did finally message a brief apology), and when he is actually ready to talk, I'm resigned to this never working out now that I understand what I'm up against. Maybe we can be just friends. But I will try to tell him again that FA / AP is the issue, because he's kind of miserable in a lot of ways with no clear understanding about why or where to start. Then he can do whatever he wants to with that information. I do love him and want him to one day be happy with himself and not get enmeshed in another abusive relationship, but it's out of my control.
Please, choose yourself. I plan to run at the first sign of partner ambivalence out of nowhere next time, but I'm also hoping I'll recognize and choose secure after this whole experience was an exercise in what made me incredibly happy ---> what I don't want at all.
|
|
|
|
Post by jacobsladder on Jul 20, 2018 5:43:15 GMT
Don't do this to yourself expecting it's friends FIRST. Be a friend with no further expectations or take space for yourself. Here's a long version of what may happen if you keep going with it, hopefully not a thread jack: I've been going on and off with my (ex?) FA for two and a half years, and I JUST figured out what was going on this whole time. I'm mildly AP, and we dated seriously for a year. Everything was great for about 8 months, and then he started to withhold sex. We ended up breaking up over it, except I really had no idea why we actually broke up. He kept trying to be friends when I needed space after that (he switched from avoidant before the breakup to anxious after when I wanted a healthy amount of space and wouldn't commit to friendship), and eventually told me he wanted to keep our friendship in tact because he inexplicably lost sexual attraction to me but still wanted me in his life. Extremely hurt, I told him I was going into no contact. Fast forward another year, and I hadn't spoken to him for most of it because I'd felt so blind-sided, confused, messed up. We eventually became friends again, but he immediately jumped in hard and essentially dated me several times a week, without sex, and reached out daily for a few months... calling it friendship. I finally called him out on it, and it took so much patience and giving so much space and communicating very carefully (plus I dated others the entire time, though not seriously), but he finally came back after a few more months and asked me to really try again and work everything out. Though reiterated he was scared he was going to screw it up and lose me again, like when I felt pushed into going no contact after the first breakup. I was very wary but happy and optimistic he'd changed somewhat (he hadn't). This lasted a matter of DAYS, and ended in a huge argument because he immediately went distant again and said he still wasn't feeling sexually attracted to me (which was the opposite of what he'd said and demonstrated a couple months earlier after I gave him several weeks of space, which he has now explained away as he was either drunk or sober-but-horny). Now we're not speaking because he won't speak to me.. he said we should probably break up but he needs more space/time to think. It's been weeks, so I think we're broken up, and should be now that I finally understand he's FA and can't be happy with me -- even though he has told me he knows I'm a great partner and the problem at this point is in his own head. Plus, before me, since he's always been attracted to terrible/quasi-abusive partners, I think this eroding of attraction is in part because I'm not activating his anxiety through rejection. So I don't seem as exciting and passionate after the first 6 months when the honeymoon period hormones can override that. It isn't malicious at all. It's completely fear-based due to childhood trauma, and he's severely lacking in self-awareness. We've always been incredibly close emotionally, with him telling me he's never been more comfortable with anyone (I'm his longest relationship), but it's clear he can't handle that nor the idea of losing me. But he also can't show up in a reciprocal way. I move away, he gets separation anxiety, I come closer, he panics and shuts down (the rest of the reason his attraction to me disappeared... too much closeness in too many different ways... so scary!). I've suggested therapy, and he agrees he should go, but won't actually do it. As scared as he is to lose me, which he still tells me regularly, he's clearly more scared to confront his issues. I've done a lot of work confronting my AP issues over a long period of time, and can't try to make this work anymore, no matter how much I love him. Especially now that I think it's a lost cause because he won't do his work and I can't accept such an increasingly imbalanced relationship. I don't deserve to be jerked around and told we'll have a family but then deal with him ready to leave me with no notice and boomeranging around. And yes, I've told him the silent treatment and push-pull triggers me, and I want a reliable partner. Seems he can't help it. Based on my experience, what you are after will only have a chance if she understands her issues and really wants to seek help and face the hard work to move towards secure, or if you're willing to always brush your own needs aside. I know mine will resurface (he did finally message a brief apology), and when he is actually ready to talk, I'm resigned to this never working out now that I understand what I'm up against. Maybe we can be just friends. But I will try to tell him again that FA / AP is the issue, because he's kind of miserable in a lot of ways with no clear understanding about why or where to start. Then he can do whatever he wants to with that information. I do love him and want him to one day be happy with himself and not get enmeshed in another abusive relationship, but it's out of my control. Please, choose yourself. I plan to run at the first sign of partner ambivalence out of nowhere next time, but I'm also hoping I'll recognize and choose secure after this whole experience was an exercise in what made me incredibly happy ---> what I don't want at all. I’m sorry you went through all of that, it’s a tough situation to be in and it would have taken a lot of strength to hang in there for that long. She haunts all my social media constantly and has tagged me in a couple of things on Facebook, but I have not contacted her. We last spoke a month ago when she reached out and I was waiting for her to follow up on her intentions of catching up but it didn’t happen. I don’t want to just be text buddies with her. In the past I would have just initiated plans, knowing that she really struggles to do it. But after everything that’s happened, I just can’t bring myself to do it, I can’t baby her and if we’re gonna have anything, friendship or otherwise from this point on it has to be built on mutual respect and I need to take her words on face value, if she means them or not. It feels like we’re in a bit of a gridlock. I will be seeing her at a party in 4 weeks, which I am dreading because although I have been working on myself, I feel like I still care too much and I can’t bring myself to show it, because I feel like it’ll be somehow thrown back in my face. I’m a FA myself and I feel like I’ve given too much, I felt like I was being really brave this time and stepping out of my comfort zone, but I’ve just been left feeling abandoned and broken. I wish my ap side wasn’t triggered when I’m with someone more avoidant than me. It isn’t pleasent. Most other times I’ve managed to detach from break ups a lot easier, but this time the hooks are really stuck in me and it’s all very confusing and painful. Knowledge and awareness is helping me slowly move forward with my own healing but I’m not finding it easy. I can relate to not being attracted unless I feel anxious, because I feel the same way, I know it’s not healthy and it’s crazy but tell that to my attachment system. The girl I was seeing is the same, nothing but abusive relationships til she met me, but I can tell she wasn’t comfortable being treated with love and respect. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Jul 20, 2018 8:02:54 GMT
Yes, my ex has played that social media game multiple times. It's a low-risk way to reach out and poke at you after a little break -- I think the idea is, if you ignore it, well it's not a rejection because who cares about social media really... but if you start to interact, it will build confidence that they can approach you without fearing more rejection.
I hope you don't internalize that you stepped out of your comfort zone and got beaten down as a result, and hold on to that as new baggage for yourself. It's not a bad thing that you tried. It just happens you chose the wrong person at the wrong time and didn't know. A person who was not FA or avoidant would have appreciated your effort more. If there's any way to separate the loss that happened because she couldn't handle a long-term relationship with probably almost anyone due to her FA versus because you did something wrong by stepping out of your comfort zone, focus on that. Be proud of yourself for challenging yourself and trying to move towards secure.
Something else I had to deal with in regards to AP is I used to be really entrenched in the idea that if someone cared for me less than I cared about them, and there was reciprocation lacking, it was basically the worst thing in the entire world. I still can't quite verbalize why I feel that way, but I certainly had to put that aside after falling in love with my ex because he struggles to express himself. Now I feel like, it's unfortunate when a situation is unbalanced, but it's okay to care about someone genuinely even if they're not on the same page as long as you're holding healthy boundaries around it. I don't love my ex any less in spite of all the testing behavior and rejection he's put me through, but it doesn't mean I should disrespect/ignore where he's at or that I should stick around to be his emotional punching bag. People throwing that in your face are showing you their issues, not reflecting you.
So my point is that when you see her at the party, it's okay if you're not over her yet even if she doesn't want to be with you right now. Just be calm, consistent, leave things at a polite hello if you're uncomfortable with more, watch your own triggers, and try not to engage with her too much. I'm sure if she's there, she's going to be happy to see you anyway after she's had a lot of space. And if you flat out ignore her, you're going to activate her abandonment trigger, and some of your own good work will end up undone.
I used to feel crazy attraction to bad partners when my AP was worse, so I relate to the anxiety side of FA. I've actually been with such toxic casual partners (not talking about the FA ex here) that the emotional aftermath really wasn't worth it. After a particularly bad situation with a very unhealthy attachment to the jerk guy I had the most sexual chemistry with I've ever had, I started to take stock of why I'd be so crazy about a guy who was not someone I really liked outside of bed. Many many months after the fact, I realized I was mistaking attachment system bad-guy warning activation with crazy-making clingy passion. It took a few more bad tries to get over that (which still took years because I'm not very casual), but one of the things I liked best about being with my FA when things were good was how I had zero anxiety with him and connecting with him physically for me was about safety, comfort, familiarity and love. So, I know it is possible to change that attraction quirk and not just be a slave to your attachment system, which makes me more optimistic that I'll get it right next time.
|
|
andy
Full Member
Posts: 131
|
Post by andy on Aug 10, 2018 17:33:27 GMT
I agree with everyone else that you need to check in with yourself whether the friendship configuration is meeting your needs or if you need to take a step back. I also want to add a note that it's important not to pressure anybody to have sexual contact that they say they don't want to have, including by questioning them a lot. There can be sexual trauma involved, and regardless of whether that's the case, listening to people's boundaries is essential around sex (not to say you aren't listening to her boundaries - there's nothing in what you've written that suggests you aren't). But definitely, if the transition from a sexual relationship to a friends thing hurts you, and it would probably really hurt me, there's no reason you need to keep going with it. But I can only imagine how hard it could be to make that decision given how important the connection is to you. Good luck and good wishes.
|
|
|
|
Post by epicgum on Aug 29, 2018 7:39:27 GMT
This is all about regulating closeness, feeling too close and then pulling away, or even desiring MORE closeness, but not being able to handle emotional closeness and sexual closeness at the same time. When my AP partner broke up with me I was initially excited because I thought we would be closer as friends.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Aug 30, 2018 12:13:48 GMT
This is all about regulating closeness, feeling too close and then pulling away, or even desiring MORE closeness, but not being able to handle emotional closeness and sexual closeness at the same time. When my AP partner broke up with me I was initially excited because I thought we would be closer as friends. Interesting insight...I can share that from my perspective, friendship opens a myriad of unfulfilled hopes and I find I am not tracking with him at all in terms of "friendship". |
|
|
|
Post by epicgum on Aug 30, 2018 12:30:47 GMT
This is all about regulating closeness, feeling too close and then pulling away, or even desiring MORE closeness, but not being able to handle emotional closeness and sexual closeness at the same time. When my AP partner broke up with me I was initially excited because I thought we would be closer as friends. Interesting insight...I can share that from my perspective, friendship opens a myriad of unfulfilled hopes and I find I am not tracking with him at all in terms of "friendship". Yeah, in retrospect this was an incredibly dumb expectation. I guess the consequence of not being very in touch with my emotions and not having a lot of romantic experience, and having s very strange ill-defined relationship to start with. |
|
