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Post by jacobsladder on Jun 29, 2018 15:46:47 GMT
When my FA ex told me she could no longer have a physical relationship with me, she said to me “I think I just need to try to be friends with you first” when I asked her why, she wouldn’t give me a clear answer. I agreed to be friends, but I’m still confused by this. Why would she need to be friends with me first? The key words being ‘friends’ and ‘first.’ Have any avoidants here asked to be platonic friends with an ex, with the possibility of being more in the future?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2018 16:12:54 GMT
hi, i am da and not fa, and there are significant differences.
however, i have been intrigued to read MANY accounts of FA withdrawing sexually, at some point into the relationship.
i have read many accounts of this, and the relationships fizzle out after that.
As a disnissive, i can tell you that i start as i mean to go on, sexually and with intentions stated.
so, if i wanted to have an intimate relationship i would remain sexually intimate, i wouldn't withdraw sex to possibly introduce it later.
if i wanted a casual sexual relationship, i would make that very clear and allow no ambiguity, from the beginning, i wouldn't flirt with attachment.
i know this may not be helpful, but wanted to comment because i have read it so many times with FA attachment and i don't understand it, it's very hard for me to imagine it.
either way- i wouldn't accept being friend zoned with the hope to advance later- that's mind-#uckery.
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Post by goldilocks on Jun 29, 2018 17:01:23 GMT
It could be that the other person felt they got sexual too quickly, and wants a slower pace. It could also be an introduction of drama or wanting to put you through this to elicit a behaviour she desires.
To be honest, this happening without a clear reason given does not sound like a great situation to subject yourself to. That said, not being married she has every right to stop having a sexual relationship with you. Just as you have every right to seek other options.
Being friends first is sompletely fine but only when you know what you want and act accordingly. On a trajectory that leads towards a sexual and romantic committted relationship that would include flirtation from the start with physical intimacy slowly building up.
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Post by jacobsladder on Jun 29, 2018 23:49:05 GMT
juniper goldilocksThank you both for your input. I was extremely hesitant of subjecting myself to this situation at the start and continue to be now. I’m interested to hear this is common for FA’s and I’m trying to understand the psychology behind it. I’m trying to work out if it’s something she needs to move forward. There is no doubt it messes with my mind. I care about her, but ultimately I wanna do what’s best for myself.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2018 0:42:16 GMT
juniper goldilocksThank you both for your input. I was extremely hesitant of subjecting myself to this situation at the start and continue to be now. I’m interested to hear this is common for FA’s and I’m trying to understand the psychology behind it. I’m trying to work out if it’s something she needs to move forward. There is no doubt it messes with my mind. I care about her, but ultimately I wanna do what’s best for myself. you really do have to listen to yourself on this one. it's one thing to move gradually into sex and truly have a friends first approach.... BY BEING FRIENDS FIRST, in REALITY. it's quite another to become sexual, conflicted, then pull the friend card. regressing a relationship , in my mind, is a serious red flag. if you've had a sexual relationship, it's a little late for friends first. add the ambiguity of - where the hell is this going? is it fading or flowering? that situation WOULD NOT meet my needs, not sexually, not emotionally, no way no how. listen to yourself and if you need to cut it, cut it. having romantic feelings while in the friend zone is more bullshit than anyone needs to subject themselves too, no matter what the other party "needs". |
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Post by mrob on Jun 30, 2018 1:34:36 GMT
It sounds like the usual FA cycle.
Go full on initially, then feel engulfed when it all becomes reality. The other party is confused because they thought they knew where they were, but the FA is triggered, engulfed and the push/pull has started.
There are differences between FA and DA, as illustrated above. Friendzobe might give her time to get her head sorted out if she’s aware of herself, otherwise it might just leave you without your needs being met, unconsciously trying to pull. Only you can make the decision.
I’d say this is from a place of fear, rather than malevolence.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2018 2:05:34 GMT
absolutely on that last point, fear and not malevolence. i think that's true with all of our attachment wounded behaviors. good input, thanks mrob! this is a way we are very different, i appreciate the explanation also!  |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 30, 2018 2:08:28 GMT
I can only speak from my own current situation of trying to be "friends"...having AP attachment has meant that I will sometimes misread texts or emails to mean either more or less (but more often more) than what B intends...and I own the fact that I am choosing to put myself in a position where my heart soars into hopeful places and crashes in glorious flames without any specific "facts" behind it. It is self inflicted emotional whiplash...but right now..this is where I am choosing to be. I would honestly sit down and write through all the hopeful pros in your heart and all the fear based cons in your head....get them out on paper so you don't feel the push/pull within yourself. There is a really important question to ask..setting her needs aside...would you move ahead with friendship if nothing changed...meaning you remained in a "friend" place where she might move closer but then pulled away...could you handle that shifting if friendship was all you got? I constantly have to remind myself that whatever B says or does or writes..even if in the moment he seems to take a step forward...I know there will be an equal pull back...so it is up to me to keep my head and heart in check. Whatever you decide, I wish you well.
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Post by jacobsladder on Jun 30, 2018 3:25:01 GMT
juniper goldilocksThank you both for your input. I was extremely hesitant of subjecting myself to this situation at the start and continue to be now. I’m interested to hear this is common for FA’s and I’m trying to understand the psychology behind it. I’m trying to work out if it’s something she needs to move forward. There is no doubt it messes with my mind. I care about her, but ultimately I wanna do what’s best for myself. you really do have to listen to yourself on this one. it's one thing to move gradually into sex and truly have a friends first approach.... BY BEING FRIENDS FIRST, in REALITY. it's quite another to become sexual, conflicted, then pull the friend card. regressing a relationship , in my mind, is a serious red flag. if you've had a sexual relationship, it's a little late for friends first. add the ambiguity of - where the hell is this going? is it fading or flowering? that situation WOULD NOT meet my needs, not sexually, not emotionally, no way no how. listen to yourself and if you need to cut it, cut it. having romantic feelings while in the friend zone is more bullshit than anyone needs to subject themselves too, no matter what the other party "needs". We started as dating, then when it felt like it was progressing she said she didn’t want a relationship, so we started hanging out as friends, which wasn’t really friends because there was physical and emotional intamacy, but no intercourse. She withheld sex. The one time she was willing, she came over and was emotionally abusive (self proclaimed self sabotage) and I turned her down. So although we have had physical intamacy, we never had intercourse. I agree, I need to listen to myself and do what’s best for me. I’m very conflicted at the moment, thank you for the advice. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2018 3:31:56 GMT
you really do have to listen to yourself on this one. it's one thing to move gradually into sex and truly have a friends first approach.... BY BEING FRIENDS FIRST, in REALITY. it's quite another to become sexual, conflicted, then pull the friend card. regressing a relationship , in my mind, is a serious red flag. if you've had a sexual relationship, it's a little late for friends first. add the ambiguity of - where the hell is this going? is it fading or flowering? that situation WOULD NOT meet my needs, not sexually, not emotionally, no way no how. listen to yourself and if you need to cut it, cut it. having romantic feelings while in the friend zone is more bullshit than anyone needs to subject themselves too, no matter what the other party "needs". We started as dating, then when it felt like it was progressing she said she didn’t want a relationship, so we started hanging out as friends, which wasn’t really friends because there was physical and emotional intamacy, but no intercourse. She withheld sex. The one time she was willing, she came over and was emotionally abusive (self proclaimed self sabotage) and I turned her down. So although we have had physical intamacy, we never had intercourse. I agree, I need to listen to myself and do what’s best for me. I’m very conflicted at the moment, thank you for the advice. Good things don't start this way. Check out your own attachment style, and if it points toward you accommodating someone else's wishes even though it hurts, see if you can address that right where you are. If your self esteem is wounded and you think this is the best you can do right now, that's a misunderstanding you have with yourself and maybe see if you can be a really good friend to YOU and steer clear until you can date with dignity. This is gonna hurt you really bad if you keep it up, we've almost all been down a rocky road with this stuff, and that's an understatement. but, glad you found the boards. good stuff happens here for people that want to heal and grow into healthier relationships. |
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Post by jacobsladder on Jun 30, 2018 3:35:06 GMT
It sounds like the usual FA cycle. Go full on initially, then feel engulfed when it all becomes reality. The other party is confused because they thought they knew where they were, but the FA is triggered, engulfed and the push/pull has started. There are differences between FA and DA, as illustrated above. Friendzobe might give her time to get her head sorted out if she’s aware of herself, otherwise it might just leave you without your needs being met, unconsciously trying to pull. Only you can make the decision. I’d say this is from a place of fear, rather than malevolence. This sounds a lot like what happened/is happening. Thank you for your perspective. We have been platonic friends for a month now and she continues to reach out but hasn’t made any concrete plans. Just alluding to the fact that she’d like to catch up soon and she’ll let me know. I’ve made a point to her recently about how she’s never initiated to see me, so I’ve given her a chance to make plans. She’s suggested to me she wants to catch up, but hasn’t followed it up. The last contact we had was a week ago when she texted me, but no talk of plans. I am starting to think if we’re gonna see each other again, I’m gonna have to make the plans. I’ve given her over 3 weeks to follow up on her intentions to see me and there’s been no follow through on her part. That word fear is coming to the forefront of my mind again. |
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Post by jacobsladder on Jun 30, 2018 3:40:54 GMT
I can only speak from my own current situation of trying to be "friends"...having AP attachment has meant that I will sometimes misread texts or emails to mean either more or less (but more often more) than what B intends...and I own the fact that I am choosing to put myself in a position where my heart soars into hopeful places and crashes in glorious flames without any specific "facts" behind it. It is self inflicted emotional whiplash...but right now..this is where I am choosing to be. I would honestly sit down and write through all the hopeful pros in your heart and all the fear based cons in your head....get them out on paper so you don't feel the push/pull within yourself. There is a really important question to ask..setting her needs aside...would you move ahead with friendship if nothing changed...meaning you remained in a "friend" place where she might move closer but then pulled away...could you handle that shifting if friendship was all you got? I constantly have to remind myself that whatever B says or does or writes..even if in the moment he seems to take a step forward...I know there will be an equal pull back...so it is up to me to keep my head and heart in check. Whatever you decide, I wish you well. I appreciate your words. Your situation sounds torturous, a torture I’m not sure I want to sign up for. I’m not sure if I’d settle for just friendship or not, I’d need to see some more intent from her to actually be friends. Avoidant or not, it’s a two way street. I’m quite confused at the moment, so we’ll see. I haven’t seen her since we became platonic friends. |
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Post by jacobsladder on Jun 30, 2018 3:44:43 GMT
We started as dating, then when it felt like it was progressing she said she didn’t want a relationship, so we started hanging out as friends, which wasn’t really friends because there was physical and emotional intamacy, but no intercourse. She withheld sex. The one time she was willing, she came over and was emotionally abusive (self proclaimed self sabotage) and I turned her down. So although we have had physical intamacy, we never had intercourse. I agree, I need to listen to myself and do what’s best for me. I’m very conflicted at the moment, thank you for the advice. Good things don't start this way. Check out your own attachment style, and if it points toward you accommodating someone else's wishes even though it hurts, see if you can address that right where you are. If your self esteem is wounded and you think this is the best you can do right now, that's a misunderstanding you have with yourself and maybe see if you can be a really good friend to YOU and steer clear until you can date with dignity. This is gonna hurt you really bad if you keep it up, we've almost all been down a rocky road with this stuff, and that's an understatement. but, glad you found the boards. good stuff happens here for people that want to heal and grow into healthier relationships. Thank you. I know this relationship has definitely activated my AP side and I know I ultimately need to look within to solve my own attachment wounds. |
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Post by devastated on Jul 1, 2018 3:46:17 GMT
When my FA ex told me she could no longer have a physical relationship with me, she said to me “I think I just need to try to be friends with you first” when I asked her why, she wouldn’t give me a clear answer. I agreed to be friends, but I’m still confused by this. Why would she need to be friends with me first? The key words being ‘friends’ and ‘first.’ Have any avoidants here asked to be platonic friends with an ex, with the possibility of being more in the future? |
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Post by jacobsladder on Jul 1, 2018 5:18:13 GMT
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