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Post by DearLover on Jul 1, 2018 11:12:00 GMT
So
Again following dating advice that totally contradicts my gut instinct and what I really want to do, I messaged two men on a dating website. I liked them a lot, they were at the top of my desire list. The website said we were a 'match' (what does the website know?)
Lo and behold, they didn't reply but also I think they blocked me or something because I can't see them anywhere anymore.
After a shock and feeling my heart literally break I quickly stopped the pity party for some self reflection:
Guy 1 - Clearly stated on his profile for women to not message him first. He would message women he was really interested in and then they could reply. Also he doesn't date outside his race and I am clearly not his race. BUT I messaged anyway...I really liked him and I thought that it wouldn't hurt to receive a no. It did. But at least, now I know.
Guy 2 - Clearly said that he wasn't looking for anything serious at all. But my profile is all about how I want a special connection and a steady partner.
Boom! of course we aren't a match...but I messaged anyway...I thought we could go out and have some fun and I wouldn't get attached if I knew before hand that he isn't looking for a relationship. But he knows better.
Oh why? I receive tons of messages from guys I have less than zero interest in, getting a man wouldn't be a problem. But the ones I like are not available for me!
I quit! I am coming out of the websites now. It is eating away too much of my time and making me disheartened. My dream is to meet someone in real life anyway.
Of I go to concentrate on self care and loving myself plus the 1 million better and more important things I have got to do instead of swiping left and right for no return.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 1, 2018 12:25:21 GMT
Hey DearLover...that is exactly the reason I am not on dating sites...there is no way that my heart would not personalize "rejection" (even though it is not at all personal). I can't even properly navigate the waters of being friends with B...and that in itself is giving me plenty of emotional whiplash, so no need to even try to move beyond that right now. I give you a ton of credit for recognizing that "you" matter more then "dating" and are giving yourself space to continue to prioritize yourself. That really is a huge win. Hugs.
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Post by DearLover on Jul 1, 2018 12:54:25 GMT
Thank you tnr9. I did remember you and what you said in other thread about how you feel about online dating.
I am prone to radical changes so I decided to go easy.
I was in 2 websites. I deleted my acc in one of them and left the other because there are still a few men there whose I am curious about and one friendship developing. I am planing to go on a long holiday very soon and then this will be the time when I can take a total break since it will be pointless. There are still a few advantages of being on a website: recognise red flags and seen clearly what I want and need versus what I don't want and need. This is a good exercise. Also owning all of me, flaws and shortcomings, not trying to impress men or pretend I am different that who I am.
I cleaned uo my profile as it was a bit intense. It was designed to attract the 'right' guy but it was probably a bit much and was attracting lots of wrong guys anyway. Decided now for less words with more punch. I know what I want even if I get bored sometimes and play with fire like clearly explained in the first message.
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Post by DearLover on Jul 1, 2018 14:19:51 GMT
Well, thinking about it, I was just curious about Guy 2 and fantasing a lot about Guy 1, so now I see that messaging them ws the best thing I did, because now I cleaned them out of my way. Also learning how to get out of my comfort zone, learning how to deal with rejection...all good.
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Post by DearLover on Jul 3, 2018 20:21:34 GMT
Well, Guy 2 replied to me and we are having a conversation now, very friendly, no flirtation yet.
It turns out that it is to do with the way the website works when member are not paying. Once you message someone that haven't seen your profile yet, they are not shown to you anymore unless they see you and like you or reply to your message. They aren't shown who contacted them, it is left by chance. If a match is created than two people become totally available to each other...or something like that.
Anyway, it was good to make me evaluate my thinking and feeling process and where I am at in my attachment and wounds. Much more chilled now for sure.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2018 14:31:16 GMT
this article on jeb's website has encouragement about how to address your hair-trigger judgements and negative interpretations of others and situations. It might help you to recognize and get off the roller coaster, which i'm sure is exhausting for you and surely comes across to potential partners. Anxiety like you display is not hard to detect from the other end. I have used online dating as a tool for growth and self awareness also. there's a lot of challenging things about it that tend to bring out our defenses. jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/type-anxious-preoccupied/ |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 4, 2018 18:39:27 GMT
Well, Guy 2 replied to me and we are having a conversation now, very friendly, no flirtation yet. It turns out that it is to do with the way the website works when member are not paying. Once you message someone that haven't seen your profile yet, they are not shown to you anymore unless they see you and like you or reply to your message. They aren't shown who contacted them, it is left by chance. If a match is created than two people become totally available to each other...or something like that. Anyway, it was good to make me evaluate my thinking and feeling process and where I am at in my attachment and wounds. Much more chilled now for sure. Good of you Dear Lover...I think it is brilliant how you learned the inner workings of the site and are applying that to be able to counter any anxiety. That is a huge win. 💕 |
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Post by notalone on Jul 10, 2018 19:50:49 GMT
Oh why? I receive tons of messages from guys I have less than zero interest in, getting a man wouldn't be a problem. But the ones I like are not available for me! I feel you on this. I've been dating online and 3 months ago I met a guy and had 3 dates with him before finding out he has a very insecure attachment and no desire for a commitment. I called it quits with him a month ago but we still chat, and I'm just so damn smitten. A voice in my head says "Maybe he'll change once he knows me better" and another voice says "stay away!". In the mean time, there are 5 guys pursuing me now and I'm so not excited about them, I'm just preoccupied with Mr.Unavailable. It's so frustrating. My impulse is to be very angry at the part of me that's drawn to him, but I'm trying to have compassion for that part of me, as well as the part of me that's frustrated with that part of me. |
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Post by notalone on Jul 10, 2018 20:01:12 GMT
It might help you to recognize and get off the roller coaster, which i'm sure is exhausting for you and surely comes across to potential partners. Anxiety like you display is not hard to detect from the other end. I'm so torn between getting off the roller-coaster in order to heal, not project anxiety, and to stop attracting and being attracted to insecure, unhealthy relationships. And as a 39 year old woman with AP struggles that has always wanted to have a child and hasn't had one, it's so hard to digest taking time for this while my biological clock ticks away :----( |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2018 22:47:08 GMT
It might help you to recognize and get off the roller coaster, which i'm sure is exhausting for you and surely comes across to potential partners. Anxiety like you display is not hard to detect from the other end. I'm so torn between getting off the roller-coaster in order to heal, not project anxiety, and to stop attracting and being attracted to insecure, unhealthy relationships. And as a 39 year old woman with AP struggles that has always wanted to have a child and hasn't had one, it's so hard to digest taking time for this while my biological clock ticks away :----( i understand that sense of urgency, i do. understand the deep desire to have children, i have experienced and been able to do that. I say this to be supportive of that. I had my children with men who were very, very abusive to me. i had no idea about attachment theory, PTSD, anything like that. I was on a hamster wheel of automatic unconscious functioning. If you have a child, your suffering from this relationship autopilot will not end. Your suffering may be compounded because your hope that a wounded, unavailable, dysfunctional man will "change" for you will most likely be thwarted, and you may then look at your precious baby and hope that he might at least change for the baby- there is no end to a cycle and progression of dysfunction that you do not take responsibility for and end yourself. I say this, as a mother who raised her children through excruciating pain. We have experienced the miracle of healing, we have come to the other side, we are healthy and happy and whole. I've been able to pass on to them the gift of insight, understanding, and emotional availability- but it's because i found it myself. After years of their suffering, years of mine. What i am saying, i am not saying to invalidate your desire for children or a suitable mate. I am saying this to remind you that you cannot pass to any child, what you haven't got. Don't make children and healing mutually exclusive, perhaps broaden your vision to include both. |
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Post by notalone on Jul 11, 2018 12:41:21 GMT
I'm so torn between getting off the roller-coaster in order to heal, not project anxiety, and to stop attracting and being attracted to insecure, unhealthy relationships. And as a 39 year old woman with AP struggles that has always wanted to have a child and hasn't had one, it's so hard to digest taking time for this while my biological clock ticks away :----( i understand that sense of urgency, i do. understand the deep desire to have children, i have experienced and been able to do that. I say this to be supportive of that. I had my children with men who were very, very abusive to me. i had no idea about attachment theory, PTSD, anything like that. I was on a hamster wheel of automatic unconscious functioning. If you have a child, your suffering from this relationship autopilot will not end. Your suffering may be compounded because your hope that a wounded, unavailable, dysfunctional man will "change" for you will most likely be thwarted, and you may then look at your precious baby and hope that he might at least change for the baby- there is no end to a cycle and progression of dysfunction that you do not take responsibility for and end yourself. I say this, as a mother who raised her children through excruciating pain. We have experienced the miracle of healing, we have come to the other side, we are healthy and happy and whole. I've been able to pass on to them the gift of insight, understanding, and emotional availability- but it's because i coins it myself. After years of their suffering, years of mine. What i am saying, i am not saying to invalidate your desire for children or a suitable mate. I am saying this to remind you that you cannot pass to any child, what you haven't got. Don't make children and healing mutually exclusive, perhaps broaden your vision to include both. Thanks juniper . I appreciate your response. Despite 2 previous partners wanting children, I chose not to have them because I never felt I was in a healthy enough situation to do so, and it seemed unfair to both me and any potential children to have them under the circumstances. I told myself if that meant I never had them that would be OK. But I feel a tremendous anxiety and sadness about this recently. Regarding your comment: " I am saying this to remind you that you cannot pass to any child, what you haven't got." I'm not sure what you mean? Regarding: "Don't make children and healing mutually exclusive, perhaps broaden your vision to include both." I'm not in a relationship now, and I don't know if I'll be able to have children if/when I am again. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2018 13:27:16 GMT
What i mean by saying, you can pass on what you haven't got,
is that it isn't possible to teach our children about self love, self respect, worth, boundaries, and emotional availability, if we haven't achieved these in a tangible way in ourselves.
And, i understand that now you feel the pressure of running out of time to find a suitable partner to have children with. There isn't an easy answer for that, of course. Your sense of urgency doesn't change other factors and conditions influencing your unhappiness, of course. those factors remain, child or no.
I guess all I can do is express some sympathy for your feelings around all this and wish you the best possible outcomes for yourself, however you chose to proceed with all of this. I was only trying to encourage you along the lines of healing. Of course, that is an individual undertaking that is personal to you.
Best to you!
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