Post by ai on Jul 3, 2018 6:46:28 GMT
I was in a long distance relationship with my ex, M49. for 20 months before he broke it off. I'm F40. Even though we were in a LDR, majority of the relationship we were together, either in his country or mine as both of us have location independent jobs.
He is not close with his family, has 3 siblings and his dad passed away a few years ago. His younger sibling is 11 months younger than him so he has always said he was neglected growing up as the attention was always given to his younger sibling. In his own words, he said that he practically raised himself. He claims he grew up in a family that never had any conflict, that is why conflict makes him very afraid and unsafe. He has a belief that a good relationship should have no conflict at all. He said that growing up, his father was always very harsh on him, would often berate him for no reason, saying things that would make him feel small and insecure, thus he has a very low opinion of himself and has practically no self esteem. But he has perfected a friendly and confident exterior. He has depression and also is bipolar. He stopped treatment a few years ago as he felt that the medications dulled him.
In this time that I've known him, I feel that he is a kind and loving person at heart but has a lot of insecurities. He would often say things like he doesn't deserve anything good in his life, he is a loser/loner/asshole and that I deserve someone better. He is unable to voice out his wants and needs. Often I am left to guess, and when I miss the mark, I think it disappoints him. I have often told him, if he is feeling unhappy or if there is something on his mind, he can tell me. But he would not, he would feel that I would get upset if he voiced out his needs.
Over the last year, we has a lot of arguments. If I brought up something that I was unhappy about, he would withdraw or invalidate it. He would just leave me alone, or just clam up. And I did not cope well. Over time, my anxiety started building up, to the point when we had arguments and he would invalidate all I said, I would get so angry and frustrated to the point where I would push him or kick him. This scared him a lot. Even now. After we broke up, I was so guilty and ashamed at how I behaved in the relationship, I didn't want to be the toxic one and I couldn't understand what was going on. We were two people so in love but just couldn't make resolve small conflicts, letting them escalate. He would say he felt so bad that he let things escalate to this point. I went into therapy, as at the end of the relationship he was calling me things like crazy, psycho, schizo and I really thought there was something wrong with me mentally. In therapy, I learnt about attachment issues. I tested secure in general except for the relationship aspect. My therapist assessed that I was a secure that turned into an AP from receiving dismissive behaviours over time. I'm trying to work my way back into being more secure now. I did not understand about how avoidance deal with things and through the relationship, whenever he distanced himself emotionally or physically, I took it very personally and I started feeling like he didn't care.
We were in my country when we had our last and final fight. We were in a mall and I was feeling unwell so I was walking slow. He walked off without looking if I was behind. When I finally found him, I was upset. But I didn't say anything. My face showed that I was unhappy. He was sitting on a bench and I sat down next to him. I didn't say anything and he just stood up and left. I looked around and I saw him at a lower level, waving as if it was a hide and seek game. That triggered me so much that I chased him down and shoved him. He ran away again. After I found him, we didn't say much as we met up with my mum and brother for lunch. During the lunch we just pretended nothing was wrong. That night he was withdrawn again. The next day, he took out his laptop and just booked a flight home. We were supposed to leave for his home country 3 weeks later together.
After he went home, there were 3 weeks where he still initiated texts. I still had a flight to him in 3 weeks. In that 3 weeks, we still texted almost every day. He went out with his friends and while drunk sent me a text saying that he loved me. However, nearing my flight date, he started to send texts that to pick fights. On the day of my flight I was still deliberating to board the flight or not. He texted me in the morning to ask if I was coming. I asked him if he wanted me to come, he said it was my choice. So that evening I texted him saying I was on my way to the airport. He started to freak out and had a panic attack and said a lot of hurtful things and told me if I boarded the flight, I was on my own. I was so sad and it broke my heart. Not thinking straight, I still boarded the flight. I told myself, I would get a hotel room when I got there, and this might be enough to kill whatever love that I still had for him. I did not tell him that I boarded the flight. When I got there, I did not expect him to be there. I already readied myself for the worst. While I was waiting for my luggage, he called me and said that he was waiting outside the airport. I was scared, as he was raging in his last messages to me. I went out and he was there, smiling like nothing was wrong. I got into the car, quiet. He reached over and said sorry about what he said, that it must have been devastating for me. And he held my hand and said everything will be ok.
But over the next few days I he started to get very withdrawn again. He started to cry and get emotional. He lashed out at me saying he was feeling resentful that I was there. After 9 days he made me change my ticket and go home. He cried, I cried. He said all he wanted was for someone to love him. He said that in those days that I was there, I changed and was very patient with him and never got upset or angry. And that there was something wrong with him and he needed to get help. He said he doesn't know how to love another person if he doesn't even know how to love himself. He held me, cried while I tried to sooth him and he seemed to be ok, but he steeled himself and said that I had to go. He said he feels unsafe with me in the house. The next day, he drove me to the airport, hugged me, kissed me on the forehead and drove off.
He says that he loves me but he lives in constant fear of me. He says I don't realise how much I hurt him and he says he cries every day knowing he lost the best thing he ever had. But I do know that I have hurt him and caused him not to trust me. He believes that things will not change for the better. After learning about attachment issues, it feels like a fog has lifted.
I think he was FA and now is more DA. I'm not too sure either.
When I got home, he started to put himself down again, saying he is old and a loser. That I am younger and beautiful that I deserve someone who can love me properly. I tried to reassure him. But it's like he has just closed off.
I started to work on myself and It was difficult to move on. He keeps viewing my Instagram stories. The more I tried to reach out, the more I could feel him withdrawing. So I decided to give him the space he wants. Just only after 3 days of not contact him, yesterday he texted me asking me how I am. I didn't know if I should reply so I just left the message there. An hour later, he send another message asking me about my new work project. After that I just gave him a reply saying I was at yoga class, and am working on myself and my work. For that I got this reply "good girl". I do not know what to make of it.
truth be told, I am still holding on to the hope of a reconciliation even though it looks hopeless.
He is not close with his family, has 3 siblings and his dad passed away a few years ago. His younger sibling is 11 months younger than him so he has always said he was neglected growing up as the attention was always given to his younger sibling. In his own words, he said that he practically raised himself. He claims he grew up in a family that never had any conflict, that is why conflict makes him very afraid and unsafe. He has a belief that a good relationship should have no conflict at all. He said that growing up, his father was always very harsh on him, would often berate him for no reason, saying things that would make him feel small and insecure, thus he has a very low opinion of himself and has practically no self esteem. But he has perfected a friendly and confident exterior. He has depression and also is bipolar. He stopped treatment a few years ago as he felt that the medications dulled him.
In this time that I've known him, I feel that he is a kind and loving person at heart but has a lot of insecurities. He would often say things like he doesn't deserve anything good in his life, he is a loser/loner/asshole and that I deserve someone better. He is unable to voice out his wants and needs. Often I am left to guess, and when I miss the mark, I think it disappoints him. I have often told him, if he is feeling unhappy or if there is something on his mind, he can tell me. But he would not, he would feel that I would get upset if he voiced out his needs.
Over the last year, we has a lot of arguments. If I brought up something that I was unhappy about, he would withdraw or invalidate it. He would just leave me alone, or just clam up. And I did not cope well. Over time, my anxiety started building up, to the point when we had arguments and he would invalidate all I said, I would get so angry and frustrated to the point where I would push him or kick him. This scared him a lot. Even now. After we broke up, I was so guilty and ashamed at how I behaved in the relationship, I didn't want to be the toxic one and I couldn't understand what was going on. We were two people so in love but just couldn't make resolve small conflicts, letting them escalate. He would say he felt so bad that he let things escalate to this point. I went into therapy, as at the end of the relationship he was calling me things like crazy, psycho, schizo and I really thought there was something wrong with me mentally. In therapy, I learnt about attachment issues. I tested secure in general except for the relationship aspect. My therapist assessed that I was a secure that turned into an AP from receiving dismissive behaviours over time. I'm trying to work my way back into being more secure now. I did not understand about how avoidance deal with things and through the relationship, whenever he distanced himself emotionally or physically, I took it very personally and I started feeling like he didn't care.
We were in my country when we had our last and final fight. We were in a mall and I was feeling unwell so I was walking slow. He walked off without looking if I was behind. When I finally found him, I was upset. But I didn't say anything. My face showed that I was unhappy. He was sitting on a bench and I sat down next to him. I didn't say anything and he just stood up and left. I looked around and I saw him at a lower level, waving as if it was a hide and seek game. That triggered me so much that I chased him down and shoved him. He ran away again. After I found him, we didn't say much as we met up with my mum and brother for lunch. During the lunch we just pretended nothing was wrong. That night he was withdrawn again. The next day, he took out his laptop and just booked a flight home. We were supposed to leave for his home country 3 weeks later together.
After he went home, there were 3 weeks where he still initiated texts. I still had a flight to him in 3 weeks. In that 3 weeks, we still texted almost every day. He went out with his friends and while drunk sent me a text saying that he loved me. However, nearing my flight date, he started to send texts that to pick fights. On the day of my flight I was still deliberating to board the flight or not. He texted me in the morning to ask if I was coming. I asked him if he wanted me to come, he said it was my choice. So that evening I texted him saying I was on my way to the airport. He started to freak out and had a panic attack and said a lot of hurtful things and told me if I boarded the flight, I was on my own. I was so sad and it broke my heart. Not thinking straight, I still boarded the flight. I told myself, I would get a hotel room when I got there, and this might be enough to kill whatever love that I still had for him. I did not tell him that I boarded the flight. When I got there, I did not expect him to be there. I already readied myself for the worst. While I was waiting for my luggage, he called me and said that he was waiting outside the airport. I was scared, as he was raging in his last messages to me. I went out and he was there, smiling like nothing was wrong. I got into the car, quiet. He reached over and said sorry about what he said, that it must have been devastating for me. And he held my hand and said everything will be ok.
But over the next few days I he started to get very withdrawn again. He started to cry and get emotional. He lashed out at me saying he was feeling resentful that I was there. After 9 days he made me change my ticket and go home. He cried, I cried. He said all he wanted was for someone to love him. He said that in those days that I was there, I changed and was very patient with him and never got upset or angry. And that there was something wrong with him and he needed to get help. He said he doesn't know how to love another person if he doesn't even know how to love himself. He held me, cried while I tried to sooth him and he seemed to be ok, but he steeled himself and said that I had to go. He said he feels unsafe with me in the house. The next day, he drove me to the airport, hugged me, kissed me on the forehead and drove off.
He says that he loves me but he lives in constant fear of me. He says I don't realise how much I hurt him and he says he cries every day knowing he lost the best thing he ever had. But I do know that I have hurt him and caused him not to trust me. He believes that things will not change for the better. After learning about attachment issues, it feels like a fog has lifted.
I think he was FA and now is more DA. I'm not too sure either.
When I got home, he started to put himself down again, saying he is old and a loser. That I am younger and beautiful that I deserve someone who can love me properly. I tried to reassure him. But it's like he has just closed off.
I started to work on myself and It was difficult to move on. He keeps viewing my Instagram stories. The more I tried to reach out, the more I could feel him withdrawing. So I decided to give him the space he wants. Just only after 3 days of not contact him, yesterday he texted me asking me how I am. I didn't know if I should reply so I just left the message there. An hour later, he send another message asking me about my new work project. After that I just gave him a reply saying I was at yoga class, and am working on myself and my work. For that I got this reply "good girl". I do not know what to make of it.
truth be told, I am still holding on to the hope of a reconciliation even though it looks hopeless.