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Post by ocarina on Jul 5, 2018 17:05:26 GMT
Hi Rahu and welcome - glad you felt able to share your story.
It is really really hard to accept that what felt so perfect early on has caused so much pain down the line.
It sounds, from what you've written as though you have given this your all - and that respecting his decision is all you can now do - this means confronting your own pain and starting the slow healing process.
It does strike me that there has been an awful lot of drama in what is essentially a very young relationship - and that healthy partnerships just don't start of like this - but instead share good communication, honesty - none of the feelings of walking on thin ice that you describe. I recognise how difficult it is to let go when everything early on was so perfect - but to be honest the perfection part is a dangerous red flag. In relationships we are all human and whilst we put our best feet forward initially, the real test of compatibility is how we navigate when the cracks begin to show - it sounds as though this was a stumbling point for you both. It would be great if we could all recreate the early heady days of love - but these are not reality. True love grows from making the decision daily to act from a place of love. It seems he couldn't do this for whatever reason and couldn't give you what you needed to feel secure.
The only way forward is to look at your own part here - he may well have left the door open - many individuals who struggle with commitment can't let go, however this is now not your problem to solve. Look into yourself with deep compassion and allow yourself to heal. It really does hurt - but sometimes uncertainty and ambiguity is actually all you need to be certain that the relationship is not working for you.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2018 17:27:11 GMT
Thank you for your kind words, Ocarina. While we were honest when we did communicate and it didn't feel dramatic or hard until the last few months, it certainly didn't feel great towards the end and me being triggered into an anxious state while normally being a secure individual is likely not a great sign. While I did ask to work on communication, see a couples therapist together, read books on attachment together and discuss, etc. I know that though I offered these things, I can't change where he was or where he is at. I've been in longer with mostly secure types but we parted ways for other reasons. This one has just been so hard because it feels like there was so much that could have been had we been able to get through this. I agree that it was a young relationship and I had hoped that we could ride the waves together and learn to work through those hard times in a safe and secure way together. But this is in his court now.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 5, 2018 17:34:45 GMT
Hi Rahu...honestly Ocarina said it so succinctly that I don't have really anything to add but to welcome you to the forums. 🙂
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2018 18:00:33 GMT
Hi Rahu. I second ocarina on this, and would add that you do seem to express a bit of a fixer, helper mentality in this relationship. As long as you remain attached to someone who is unavailable to you , you have an opportunity to explore your own beliefs and patterns concerning intimate relationships, and what feelings and fears this situation activates for you. it may be that other relationships haven't triggered anxiety in you, but since it's here and manifesting for you, it's a prime opportunity for you to turn your focus inward to see what you can learn about any unaddressed issues you may have with codependency or attachment insecurity. No one here can predict what he will do, although i did notice that he seemed to express quite a different take on the relationship than you, and that he found it to be generally unsatisfactory to him. Given that information, it seems it would be a good idea to work on letting go, painful as that may be. Ultimately, it's ideal to pursue a relationship with someone who has the mutual desire and capacity to pursue one with you, as a mutual effort. Welcome to the boards  |
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Post by mrob on Jul 6, 2018 0:48:52 GMT
Reading that, I couldn’t help but be incredibly sad for both of you. That he knows about being FA and has done the best he can to not be activated, but something has and he’s just felt hopeless and built a case to support his inability to give you what you need. All of that while knowing about attachment theory. Just incredibly sad. And you, who has gone into a relationship with your eyes open, done all the right things, and it’s still ended up in the same place as most who do not know about attachment styles. Incredibly frustrating, but really, really sad. I’m sorry he couldn’t see past his ego for another round of therapy.
The pattern is that an FA will circle, but I certainly wouldn’t pause my life for that. From what you’ve written, you’ve done more than most are prepared to do to accommodate his stuff, and I don’t think that necessarily makes you AP. I dragged two women that way, temporarily. Both are living secure lives, one within a secure, fulfilling relationship. There is hope for you that the anguish won’t be you forever.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2018 1:19:40 GMT
Thanks for everyone's thoughts. I can be a problem solver type. I won't deny that. Though I do think I was aware of just needing to listen or give space sometimes.
Mrob- yes, it is very sad. Incredibly so. I actually don't know if I've felt a sadness this deep before. To know that he is such a wonderful human and what we felt was real and true and these are things he must work through on his own and I on my own. He is in therapy. Every other week. I don't know how he is presenting these issues or how he is processing this all, that is his journey. Though he hasn't historically gone back to any previous partners, I don't know what he will do here seeing that this is his most serious relationship to date. I agree, I can't pause my life waiting for him to come back, all in.
Do folks find that FAs really miss their previous partners at some point? I feel that there was a period of creating reasons why it wouldn't work (never deal breakers before) that ultimately led to the spiral of distancing and deciding it wouldn't work. Not wanting to try to want to work on it, etc. Sometimes I feel that this entire past year of loving someone, and feeling loved in return, was a lie.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2018 2:37:05 GMT
I think there's a down side to being all up in someone's business regarding their attachment style.
the down side is, you might begin to see the person too much in terms of your understanding of their attachment style:
you might begin to invalidate their true objections to the relationship, their true preferences, their real misgivings... and put it all down to their attachment behaviors.
you're saying that this relationship began precipitously, when you both had just gotten out of relationships.
it had that whirlwind start that infatuations have.
things were great, magical, etc etc and then not so much.
well, regardless of attachment styles, this is a well known tale- jumping in head first and finding out later that things aren't what they seemed.
it isn't often that two people mutually agree on a breakup. often, it's one partner that decides that they don't want to continue the relationship.
obviously, that's very hard for the person who doesn't agree.
but, reading through your post again, i hear him objecting with what may be truly valid reasons to him, and not just excuses, as you put it.
from the sound of it, he may have found you a bit controlling. and, reading through again, i picked up on that as well.
he said he feels he always had to fix things. you wanted to read attachment books together (presumably to fix his issues or understand them so you could "help" him?) it doesn't sound like he was interested in that approach and i don't blame him. this is heavy stuff and it's not all about you, it's about his internal world that was formed by some trauma.
he already had a therapist, and apparently hadn't invited you along... but you seem to be all up in his attachment issues. i would feel controlled and imposed upon if a partner behaved that way with me.
seriously, try to take some of his complaints at face value instead of just minimizing them as excuses. (reasons he "created").
that's one of the biggest issues i have with people who study attachment issues to "help" or "understand" another person. when the real person speaks, they are disregarded, because the only thing that speaks is the ATTACHMENT STYLE. they lose their voice to an attachment style template.
he said you always need to have a plan. well, that would bug me if my partner always needed to have a plan that i had to fit into.
he said he didn't feel like he could share with you.
here you are, saying the things he shared with you, are just excuses. (reasons he "created") did you invalidate him that way to his face? maybe you did. maybe that's why he felt he wasn't enough for you.
maybe there were fundamental differences. maybe he didn't feel compatible with you for the reasons he clearly stated.
i'm just spitballing here, based on what you shared. he gave you information that doesn't seem to be as important to you as the possibility he might miss you, someday.
i'm not trying to be hard on you, but i am seeing things maybe a little differently than you.
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