Acts of service, but done out of guilt?

Hi juniper,

yes, I have considered that as well but I do think he has FA type tendencies on top of whatever else may be going on. This forum is about attachment so I tried not to overanalyze other possibilities of his mental health, but I do agree with some of the feedback that he could be a narcissist or have something else going on.

I guess for me, I love him and want to understand him, as I work on myself through EMDR and therapy, I find myself feeling more compassion and curiosity than the extreme pain I felt before.

This is speculation, but it's possible his feelings within the same day aren't consistent. For example, he's feeling annoyed but then he has a wave of affection and then puts his arm around you. Or he has a time he feels generous wants to help out and do an act of service, but then when he's actually doing it feels annoyed about doing it...that sort of emotional wavering may be an FA or DA thing, but then again I also think being human can come with some inconsistency and an AP-mindset would be more likely to notice or take personally all the nuances.

Regardless of the "why" though, it sounds like it isn't working for you, and if you articulate to him what specifically you need and he can't give it, the he can't give it (not that anyone can be perfect all the time, but you know what I mean).

Thanks everyone!

I appreciate the input. I agree @compassionatevoid that no one can be perfect all the time and I think what is difficult in these types of situations with him, is that he sees ME as the cause and has no problem telling me that, even though I have learned over the years not to take it personal, to understand my own triggers thus not allowing his actions to affect me the way they used to- but no matter how calm and understanding I am in the moment, he tries to start an argument and can become antagonistic then blames me if I react. I think getting space from him for myself is the only solution when these times come. This time I drafted an email just explaining my perspective and experience so that he may try to understand his role in it as well. I don't know if he will read it or care, but its more for me to explain my boundaries in a way that works for him- he prefers an email

mrob I really appreciate and understand all the work you are doing for yourself. I know I've said it before, but I'm so impressed and I know how hard it is. To be honest, the past month has been not as fun and good with him, so getting a little distance seems right. prior to that, things weren't so bad at all, pretty consistent hang outs, good conversations, closeness, but now he is back to a pretty strong avoidant stance. I've got some health issues right now to tend to and other things so I need to stay more focused on that. Eventually one of us will have to stop this because I doubt we both will at the same time, not sure if it will be him or me who calls uncle first.