i wanted to come back to this and express a little more about breakups.
breakups happen when a relationship isn't working, for one or both parties.
a common theme, when a dismissive is involved, is to blame the dismissive or make the dismissive the "bad guy".
i'm not sure that's what's going on in this thread, although it has a hint of that.
what i see, is that the dismissive in the picture often is expressing hesitation, doubt, and concern about their ability or desire to commit to the relationship.
they show this in words and in actions.
they are often ignored by a partner who is dead set on making it work according to their own wishes.
Dismissives voice their inner conflicts, at some point.
They aren't taken seriously. I mean, there will be fights, there will be arguments and deep discussions, but ultimately, it seems the partner of the dismissive has a firm agenda to move the relationship to commitment and believes if they just accommodate, be patient, and ignore the dismissive's actions and words, the dismissive will come around and give the partner what they want.
Ultimately, no person should acquiesce to a relationship or a situation that doesn't align with what their personal values, goals, and agenda for their own life is. Partners of dismissive do that when they commit internally to a person who isn't committing to them. The dismissive usually is not inclined to acquiesce this way and typically leaves the relationship.
It's messy, sure- but who is responsible? both parties are. both parties were concerned primarily with their own needs and ideas and agendas. many assumptions were made, both sides. many red flags ignored, both sides. selfish behavior,, both sides. inner conflicts, both sides. emotional unavailability, both sides. dissatisfaction, both sides. anger and resentment, both sides. sadness and disappointment, both sides. Incompatibility, both sides.
Ultimately, i leave a relationship if it does not align with my personal values, desires, ambitions, priorities, needs, happiness. I count it as an opportunity to learn and grow and understand myself better. Any dismissive has this right and personal freedom to leave a relationship that doesn't suit them, do they not?
If a partner leaves a dismissive, i assume it would be for the same fundamental reasons- the relationship with the dismissive did not align with the individuals personal values, desires, ambitions, priorities, needs, or happiness. It's an opportunity to learn and grow and understand oneself better. The partner has the right and personal freedom (and responsibility !) to leave a relationship that doesn't suit them.
The inclination of a dismissive is to leave if it doesn't suit.
the inclination of an anxious person is to hold on, even if it doesn't suit. two different ways of approaching a problematic relationship. ultimately, each will have to walk their own path and make the best decisions they can to achieve what is most important to them, as individuals.
there is no obligation to stay in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs, not for a dismissive, not for a partner.
what i am reading here is that this dismissive took his inner conflict seriously and voiced that, but the partner did not.
ultimately, the dismissive chose with integrity to himself. and that's ok. had the partner chosen with integrity to herself, this situation may have ended long ago.
and, if a partner with low self esteeem and insecurity believes they give "good relationship" while a dismissive gives "bad relationship" , they are truly mistaken. They are half the dysfunction. there's no bad guy. just two wounded people trying to figure stuff out.
Wow...thanks for taking the time to write this, it is very enlightening. What you said about an opportunity to understand yourself better really struck a chord.
