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Post by ocarina on Jul 14, 2018 11:05:08 GMT
There have been a few incidents recently where individual posters have felt attacked (both AP/FA/DA) when posting their experiences here. Mrob made a very good point on another thread that we are all at different places - someone raw from a relationship break up with no knowledge of attachment style is going to feel angry at their partner. Others further down the line are much more likely to be able to recognise their own contribution to the dynamic and that healing needs to begin in themselves. There's a danger that when the devastated confused OP is greeted by "look at your part in this" kind of responses they will feel devalued and unwelcome - and yet we are all here to learn. It's not a blame game, none of us choose to be here and the first part in healing has got to be to embrace what comes up emotionally. It doesn't mean that we all agree and blame the partner - but it would be good to see people being allowed to express how they feel without judgement of that feeling. I am the first to admit being blunt - perhaps insensitive - and it is frustrating reading posts from people who have been stuck within frankly abusive relationships. That being said, we all have our own journeys and will make them in our own time. Elizabeth Kubler Ross discusses the stages of grieving very eloquently: grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/I have had to remind myself that actually these are necessary parts of healing - can't be rushed or dismissed by ourselves and others. Sure it's possible to get stuck somewhere along the way here - and that's frustrating for everyone - but we need to be accepting of this in ourselves and others. More a reminder to self than anything else - but it would be a shame if there were people out there who were afraid to post for fear of judgement. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2018 12:31:12 GMT
the response from the OP's to my perspective has been largely positive and thankful.
this is not a moderated board, it's a public forum.
i've come on here and read abusive things, horrible things about DA.
what i'm posting is not abusive.
in fact, it is often met with gratitude by OP.
if other posters don't appreciate it that is their reaction.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2018 12:41:56 GMT
ocarina i have tagged you in four posts where the poster of the thread or quote appreciated by feedback and i will continue to provide it.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 14, 2018 13:32:23 GMT
I guess I don't read Ocarina's post as a result of anything you said Juniper...goodness knows, I have also pointed new people to turn their attention towards themselves instead of looking at their partner...so I thought this also pertained to me. 🙂 I am completely onboard with what Ocarina is saying....because I can see where someone who is in the anger phase of grief would not meet a response geared at the acceptance phase so well. We all have a choice to post or not, reply or not...but allowing room for people at various stages of grief I think is beneficial to everyone. That is just my opinion of this.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2018 13:35:49 GMT
I guess I don't read Ocarina's post as a result of anything you said Juniper...goodness knows, I have also pointed new people to turn their attention towards themselves instead of looking at their partner...so I thought this also pertained to me. 🙂 I am completely onboard with what Ocarina is saying....because I can see where someone who is in the anger phase of grief would not meet a response geared at the acceptance phase so well. We all have a choice to post or not, reply or not...but allowing room for people at various stages of grief I think is beneficial to everyone. That is just my opinion of this. if you go read the most recent threads i have just tagged ocarina in you will see the response of the PERSON I AM POSTING TO, which is the person who i am concerned with. what about the people i am responding to that appreciate my response, why are you guys not paying attention to that? howeever you feel about it, respect the response and appreciation of the persons who i was interacting with?!?! |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2018 13:37:38 GMT
seriously maybe take this out of your own view and read the response of the actual posters who received my posts very well.
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Post by ocarina on Jul 14, 2018 14:12:39 GMT
This wasn't personal to anyone except me - I greatly benefit from your approach Juniper as has been detailed in all my responses - and there are many others who do too. I am doing really well at the moment and I can certainly credit you for a great deal of this recovery.
I can feel my own impatience at times - and I don't think anyone benefits from agreement about what a s*** their partner has been, but in early days of a, sometimes years long, imploding relationship there are not short cuts through the hideous anger, blame and denial experience. I was reminding myself of this.
It's become more tricky as I healed to remember the desperate days of trying to figure out what happened when a listening ear - and someone to empathise with my feelings and allow them, was really the only thing that helped.
I appreciate everyones input here - diversity of views is really important and having the support forum for specific attachments is a great help in allowing everyone a safe space - I think that new posters often don't know what this is and end up posting tales of woe elsewhere.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 14, 2018 14:13:37 GMT
Juniper....I guess I am not expressing myself well...I thought that the reason you were pointing out the 4 responses that were received "well" was out of reaction to this post and I was suggesting that Ocarina's post was not directed solely at you but to the forum posters in general...myself included. I will it there.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 14, 2018 14:19:45 GMT
Ocarina...I appreciate the thoughtfulness of your post and consideration of those who are fresh off of a dysfunctional relationship and are hurting and looking for answers to explain the roller coaster ride. Looking at the link you have posted about grieving..it seems I am bouncing between the first 4 stages and am yet to hit the fifth one. I agree that the support forums are wonderful to receive support from others. I too love the diversity on these forums and greatly appreciate both you and Juniper and a whole lot more people (the list would be too long) who have guided me, supported me and even questioned me throughout my process. For that I am grateful.💕💕💕
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2018 14:28:13 GMT
ok let's all just keep posting in our authentic voices.
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Post by ocarina on Jul 14, 2018 14:33:42 GMT
ok let's all just keep posting in our authentic voices. I write as someone who's automatic response to most peoples self induced issues is: "For G*** sake go and sort yourself out" or at least I think that even if I don't say it. I have to remind myself - and often, that it's not as simple as that - it's great that we have this resource and important to make it a welcoming, safe space for others to come and learn. Another lesson to myself is that not everyone has to agree with me! (Although of course I am always right - (that's a joke!)> |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2018 14:34:33 GMT
there's probably quite a few dismissive who won't post here because of the obvious slant and blatantly abusive and ignorant posting by "grieving" anxious posters that i have seen at times.
but, it's a public forum and everyone can make their choice to share or not.
this isn't the end of the line for anyone, life is creative and when they are ready to heal they will.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2018 14:35:36 GMT
ok let's all just keep posting in our authentic voices. I write as someone who's automatic response to most peoples self induced issues is: "For G*** sake go and sort yourself out" or at least I think that even if I don't say it. I have to remind myself - and often, that it's not as simple as that - it's great that we have this resource and important to make it a welcoming, safe space for others to come and learn. Another lesson to myself is that not everyone has to agree with me! (Although of course I am always right - (that's a joke!)> as long as you don't project your internal attitudes on me we are good. i don't come from the exact same space you do. i come from a place of service to the posters i engage with and the fruit of that is evidenced in their response. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2018 14:37:40 GMT
i think it's really important that onlookers don't project their own emotions onto the interactions of other posters.
that may be happening here.
you may feel one way or the other, but if the actual people involved in an exchange are expressing something different, that can be respected also.
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Post by mrob on Jul 14, 2018 15:42:32 GMT
That’s actually how these posts evolve into something useful, though! Otherwise they would be dry questions and answers or advice, and to be quite frank, I don’t think people come here for that. I came here to hear different people's experiences after I realised I fell clearly into one category. I’m not a fan of that category, but I have to start from somewhere if I am to have progress. I was truly horrified when I read people’s experiences of people like me.
I think being here is diminished when we retract to only defending our corners. There is real richness in the candour of experiences shared on this forum.
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