Post by cristella on Jul 19, 2018 14:36:24 GMT
I've recently come across this forum while researching attachment styles. I would like to share my story in the hope that I can hear from other people's perspectives and begin my journey of healing.
For some background, my attachment style is AP. I've been in several long-term relationships in my lifetime, ranging anywhere from 2 to 4 years in length. Looking back, I have only really fallen in love with two ex's, the one that I was in a 4-year relationship with, and my current ex who I only dated for 2-months. The reason I am here is, I believe my recent ex bf has an FA attachment style and I'm trying to make sense of what happened! We are both around our early 30s and met on a dating app. I had been single for several years prior (by choice) and decided that I was now in a stage of my career where I had the time to devote to a relationship and was willing to open up my heart again. I had been dating for the past few months, went on a few dates, but I hadn't felt a connection with anyone until I met my now current ex bf. Even before meeting my ex, we seemed to have some chemistry via text messages. It's hard to explain, but I just had a good feeling about him!
Our first date was amazing. We really hit it off and the chemistry was intense! He ended up telling me that night I was the one for him and asked me to think about that!! I remember having the same feeling, but also feeling so shocked that he said that, but also shocked by my strong feelings towards him. I ended up having a panic attack the next day at home (and I don't have panic attacks). I was just feeling so overwhelmed. He ended up texting me quite a bit the next day, saying he had a lovely time and hoped to see me again. I told him that I had a lovely time and would like to see him again, but that I felt very overwhelmed by what he told me (about being the one). He apologised and said he didn't mean to freak me out and he agreed to slow down for me. I told him that I thought it was a good idea we keep seeing other people as well, as we had only had 1 date thus far, and he agreed to this and seemed very cool about it.
Fast forward to our second date, which was also very amazing! He took me to a lovely restaurant for dinner, and then after to this trendy bar overlooking a river. It was all very romantic. I was very much testing him on what he said that first night (about being the one), and he was telling me that our night together had only confirmed his feelings for me, and he said he would tell me this for the rest of my life (I would just like to point out I was still being very sceptical at this stage even though I was feeling the connection). I said to him a few times I was worried that he jumps into relationships too easily or falls too quickly for people. He kept trying to reassure me that he has never felt this way before. He then made this declaration by showing me his phone and deleting his dating profile from all the dating apps he was on. I told him he didn't need to do that, but he insisted he wanted to as a way to prove his feelings towards me. We decided to become exclusive from this point onwards.
The next week or so we'd spent some time hanging out at his place which was lovely. So, the first 3 weeks we probably saw each other twice a week, and these dates were mostly organised by him. We then had another lovely date out, and he then spent the evening at mine for the first time. He told me that evening that he loved me, and I told him the same which is very unlike me to fall this fast for someone, but it all just felt right. So overall, the first month of our relationship seemed beautiful. I introduced him to some of my close friends who were visiting town and he got along with them so well. He is a very social and chatty guy, so I reckon he would get along with almost anyone! I remember afterward that he had the loveliest things to say about my friends, which I thought was so sweet. He was very future-oriented when he spoke about us... at the time we were dating, his family were overseas and returning in 10-weeks’ time, and he kept telling me he was planning to tell them about me when they returned. He also used to say things like there would be a seat for me at the family Christmas table! He would also talk about things like my upcoming birthday which was months away! Around the time that Megan married Prince Harry, he literally started asking me about what kind of wedding dress would I like to wear, and where would I like to get married! He told he wanted to have kids with me! We spoke about moving in together at the end of the year. Things were moving fast, but again, it all just seemed very natural.
However, the second month is when things started to get a little weird. I hadn't paid much attention to this before because I guess we'd been seeing each other more often earlier, but all of our communication outside of actually seeing each other was via text messages. The only times we spoke on the phone was when I called him a few times. I had told him I preferred phone calls early on and he said he would call more, but that never happened, and I never brought it up again as I got the impression he preferred texting. We went from seeing each other twice a week in the first month, to once a week in our second month. I noticed that around week 4, he stopped trying to initiate times to catch up with me, and it started to become me who would say I miss you and when can I see you next. Around week 5, I had a sensitive chat with him about some issues we'd been having in the bedroom... I'd been putting it off for a few weeks, but felt it was the right time to bring the topic up with him. He'd been having some performance anxiety issues at times, and I'd ask him what he liked or wanted more etc. He would make comments like "I want to be the best you've ever had". He appeared to be so focused on his performance, rather than connecting with me on an emotional level. When I tried to bring this up with him, as I was trying to tell him it's OK, but I want us to worth through this and work on things, he just shut down. I tried to reassure him, telling him how much I loved him and I'm not going anywhere, and he just completely withdrew. I apologised and he said it was OK and it was good we had this talk. That evening, I got a phone call from him, and it was very strange... at first, I didn't know who it was as he sounded so different, but he sounded very unwell like he had food poisoning. He asked me what he could do to stop being sick, and I gave him some advice and offered to come over or bring him anything if he needed it. Looking back now, I am now wondering if he had an extreme physiological reaction to our talk? Despite all this, he always was always very affectionate with me outside of the bedroom. After researching more about FA, I am wondering if the physical intimacy was starting to overwhelm him?
The following two weeks he was acting distant towards me, and I asked him several times if anything was on his mind, were we OK etc. Each time he said yes, nothing is going on, all is fine. I'd notice little things, like him taking longer to reply to text messages and leaving off kissing emoji's from his text at times which was uncharacteristic of him. I told him I was worried about us, and that I haven't felt this insecure before in a relationship. He would then apologise for making me feel that way and would reassure me and tell me he loved me so much. Even though I started to feel insecure and anxious when he started to withdraw via text, we did still meet up two more times and during those times it was mostly good, but he did seem a little off. The second last time I saw him, he came over and then we went out for dinner. After dinner, he said he was going to head home. I got a bit upset, as he had given me the impression earlier he would be sleeping over, and I felt like we'd not been connecting properly the past 2-weeks and I was looking forward to having some intimate time with him. We then had another talk, and he admitted to me that he has been struggling to cope with being in a relationship, despite being in love with me. For a bit more background on him, he has an untreated medical condition which makes him very fatigued, so he does get tired early in the evenings. He also has low self-esteem (which stems from being bullied in school for having a speech disorder). So, he said for these reasons, he's never had a proper girlfriend before or been in a proper relationship other than with me. He previously had a 6-month internet long-distance relationship with someone, but he never met them in person. He told me that he has dated lots in the past few years, he's had lots of first and second dates, but never a third date... he then acknowledged this was unusual by saying "I realise this is a red flag"... I interpreted this at the time as that he just hadn't felt a true connection with someone before, but yes perhaps it was a red flag but to me I didn't seem bothered by it.
He said he was finding it difficult to fit in time to see me around his fulltime work, seeing his mates on Saturdays (to watch football), seeing his father for lunch on Sundays, and fitting in housework! Even seeing me once a week was becoming a struggle for him. I did notice early on that he seemed a bit rigid in his routines, which didn't really bother me as I was happy to fit in around his schedule as mine was semi-flexible. I even said to him, I would even be happy to just come over and snuggle up to him and we don't even have to go out and do stuff all the time, but even that sounded too much. He was so overwhelmed with emotion when he told me this, and over time I had noticed that his mood can go from being very happy to sad almost instantly. He appeared to have difficulty regulating and describing his emotions. It's not clear how much of that may be due to possibly having an FA attachment style, or if it's due to his speech disorder. He also has some significant anxiety which is unrelated to relationships - for example, he gets to work 2-hours early each day to "mentally prepare" for his shift (he works in retail and has been in the same role for the past 12-years, so it's not like he's needing to learn new things). He appeared to worry sometimes about earning less than me, as I am in a professional role, and he would say things like "do you feel OK to be the breadwinner in this relationship", to which I told him that didn't bother me. He would take a long time to process things after our emotion-driven chats (I felt they were more your typical chats that couples have, but he interpreted them as being very emotionally intense), and often he would find it difficult to find the right words to describe things and often say "I don't know". I would always try to reassure him that it was OK, given him long times to respond or space, and try to support him with his feelings and reassure him as much as I could.
When we broke up, it was very emotional. We both crying... he was crying hysterically. He was still kissing me and telling me that he loved me, and that this wasn't about me but about him and his inability to be in a relationship (due to his tiredness and difficulty fitting in time to see me in his lifestyle). I asked if he would try to work on this with me as I had ideas, but he was reluctant to try and work on things. He told me from the first day I met him that he is very stubborn when he described his personality, but I'd never seen his stubborn side really until this night. I gave him a card I had basically written a love letter to him on, and he was so emotional he could barely read it. He kept telling me that I was too good for him and he didn't deserve me. I said to him, this must be a relief for you now, not having to see me anymore... and he looked at me with such shock and disagreement, and said no, this is not a relief at all. Not sure what to make of that. I did send him a text the next day basically saying I wish he had of given us a chance and I hope we can still be friends and see each other again one day. He did send a caring reply apologising for hurting me and telling me everything was real to him and that he loved our time together. He said that we'll see what the future holds and to look after myself. He did tell me that night we broke up that we could still be friends, but I don't know if he just said that to keep the peace. He was always very avoidant of conflict, even with other people. Since then, I have gone no contact for the past 5-weeks, and I've not heard from him. Around week 4, he deleted me as a Facebook friend, which really hurt me as we'd never interacted over Facebook before, and he never used it to my knowledge. It was like my one connection to him and I wondered if he deleted me due to finding it hard to see me pop up in his feed, or whether this was an angry response for whether it's because he's moved on. I was always planning to contact him after the no contact period, but now it seems a bit strange after he's deleted me from Facebook. Upon reflection, he never introduced me to any of his friends, even though he did tell them about me (which I can confirm as his best mate worked with a relative of mine who told me his best mate asked about me and what I was like). Many of my friends also thought it was weird that he broke up with me 1-week before his family were returning from overseas. It's like he compartmentalized me in his life somewhat.
The past 5-weeks have been a complete mess. I've been grieving this relationship and what could have been, I've been depressed and anxious all the time. I stupidly agreed to go overseas with a friend who wanted to help me to get my mind off him, but I lasted 3-days before returning home. I've started to see a therapist and only had one session, so it's very early days still. I discussed with my therapist about sending the text message, and she said if I was going to send it, to do it soon as she could see I just can't stop thinking about whether to send it or not. I decided I am going to send it and would like some advice. I'm planning to say hi and see how he is going and ask if he would be open to catching up for a coffee sometime. I still love him dearly, and of course, I would love to reunite with him. I am aware that if that were to happen (wishful thinking) we would both need to work on our attachment issues (and he would need to be open to that too). I would sincerely be content with even just being his friend if he were open to that. Out of all my romantic relationships I've had in my lifetime, he has had the biggest impact on me emotionally and I truly felt that he was the one. I told him I wasn't ready to say goodbye to him, and I'm still not. I am preparing myself for him to either ignore me or reply and say he's not interested and that he's moved on. To be honest, I have nothing bad to say about him, he was always a very caring, vulnerable, and compassionate guy, so if he weren't open to seeing me, he would probably be respectful about it. On the off chance that he is just too stubborn to contact me, I am hoping my text will open a door and may lead to something more. I'm sure there will be people here suggesting I don't text him, but I figure we only live once and I don't want to have any regrets.
If we don't find our way back to each other, then I need to start working on healing my soul because I'm really struggling to imagine my life without him in it. I'd be interested to hear people’s thoughts, especially around his behaviours and if they are typical of someone who is FA? Another thing I am confused about, is why he hasn't tried to contact me, as a lot of what I'm reading, FA types tend to do this push/pull and come back to their partners a lot of the time? I realise there would be individual differences with this, but I just thought with the strong connection we had, this could have been a possibility... I'm also not that familiar with the deactivating/reactivating strategies as I’m still reading up on this, so if anyone can shed light on what they think is going on, I would find that most helpful.
Thanks everyone
For some background, my attachment style is AP. I've been in several long-term relationships in my lifetime, ranging anywhere from 2 to 4 years in length. Looking back, I have only really fallen in love with two ex's, the one that I was in a 4-year relationship with, and my current ex who I only dated for 2-months. The reason I am here is, I believe my recent ex bf has an FA attachment style and I'm trying to make sense of what happened! We are both around our early 30s and met on a dating app. I had been single for several years prior (by choice) and decided that I was now in a stage of my career where I had the time to devote to a relationship and was willing to open up my heart again. I had been dating for the past few months, went on a few dates, but I hadn't felt a connection with anyone until I met my now current ex bf. Even before meeting my ex, we seemed to have some chemistry via text messages. It's hard to explain, but I just had a good feeling about him!
Our first date was amazing. We really hit it off and the chemistry was intense! He ended up telling me that night I was the one for him and asked me to think about that!! I remember having the same feeling, but also feeling so shocked that he said that, but also shocked by my strong feelings towards him. I ended up having a panic attack the next day at home (and I don't have panic attacks). I was just feeling so overwhelmed. He ended up texting me quite a bit the next day, saying he had a lovely time and hoped to see me again. I told him that I had a lovely time and would like to see him again, but that I felt very overwhelmed by what he told me (about being the one). He apologised and said he didn't mean to freak me out and he agreed to slow down for me. I told him that I thought it was a good idea we keep seeing other people as well, as we had only had 1 date thus far, and he agreed to this and seemed very cool about it.
Fast forward to our second date, which was also very amazing! He took me to a lovely restaurant for dinner, and then after to this trendy bar overlooking a river. It was all very romantic. I was very much testing him on what he said that first night (about being the one), and he was telling me that our night together had only confirmed his feelings for me, and he said he would tell me this for the rest of my life (I would just like to point out I was still being very sceptical at this stage even though I was feeling the connection). I said to him a few times I was worried that he jumps into relationships too easily or falls too quickly for people. He kept trying to reassure me that he has never felt this way before. He then made this declaration by showing me his phone and deleting his dating profile from all the dating apps he was on. I told him he didn't need to do that, but he insisted he wanted to as a way to prove his feelings towards me. We decided to become exclusive from this point onwards.
The next week or so we'd spent some time hanging out at his place which was lovely. So, the first 3 weeks we probably saw each other twice a week, and these dates were mostly organised by him. We then had another lovely date out, and he then spent the evening at mine for the first time. He told me that evening that he loved me, and I told him the same which is very unlike me to fall this fast for someone, but it all just felt right. So overall, the first month of our relationship seemed beautiful. I introduced him to some of my close friends who were visiting town and he got along with them so well. He is a very social and chatty guy, so I reckon he would get along with almost anyone! I remember afterward that he had the loveliest things to say about my friends, which I thought was so sweet. He was very future-oriented when he spoke about us... at the time we were dating, his family were overseas and returning in 10-weeks’ time, and he kept telling me he was planning to tell them about me when they returned. He also used to say things like there would be a seat for me at the family Christmas table! He would also talk about things like my upcoming birthday which was months away! Around the time that Megan married Prince Harry, he literally started asking me about what kind of wedding dress would I like to wear, and where would I like to get married! He told he wanted to have kids with me! We spoke about moving in together at the end of the year. Things were moving fast, but again, it all just seemed very natural.
However, the second month is when things started to get a little weird. I hadn't paid much attention to this before because I guess we'd been seeing each other more often earlier, but all of our communication outside of actually seeing each other was via text messages. The only times we spoke on the phone was when I called him a few times. I had told him I preferred phone calls early on and he said he would call more, but that never happened, and I never brought it up again as I got the impression he preferred texting. We went from seeing each other twice a week in the first month, to once a week in our second month. I noticed that around week 4, he stopped trying to initiate times to catch up with me, and it started to become me who would say I miss you and when can I see you next. Around week 5, I had a sensitive chat with him about some issues we'd been having in the bedroom... I'd been putting it off for a few weeks, but felt it was the right time to bring the topic up with him. He'd been having some performance anxiety issues at times, and I'd ask him what he liked or wanted more etc. He would make comments like "I want to be the best you've ever had". He appeared to be so focused on his performance, rather than connecting with me on an emotional level. When I tried to bring this up with him, as I was trying to tell him it's OK, but I want us to worth through this and work on things, he just shut down. I tried to reassure him, telling him how much I loved him and I'm not going anywhere, and he just completely withdrew. I apologised and he said it was OK and it was good we had this talk. That evening, I got a phone call from him, and it was very strange... at first, I didn't know who it was as he sounded so different, but he sounded very unwell like he had food poisoning. He asked me what he could do to stop being sick, and I gave him some advice and offered to come over or bring him anything if he needed it. Looking back now, I am now wondering if he had an extreme physiological reaction to our talk? Despite all this, he always was always very affectionate with me outside of the bedroom. After researching more about FA, I am wondering if the physical intimacy was starting to overwhelm him?
The following two weeks he was acting distant towards me, and I asked him several times if anything was on his mind, were we OK etc. Each time he said yes, nothing is going on, all is fine. I'd notice little things, like him taking longer to reply to text messages and leaving off kissing emoji's from his text at times which was uncharacteristic of him. I told him I was worried about us, and that I haven't felt this insecure before in a relationship. He would then apologise for making me feel that way and would reassure me and tell me he loved me so much. Even though I started to feel insecure and anxious when he started to withdraw via text, we did still meet up two more times and during those times it was mostly good, but he did seem a little off. The second last time I saw him, he came over and then we went out for dinner. After dinner, he said he was going to head home. I got a bit upset, as he had given me the impression earlier he would be sleeping over, and I felt like we'd not been connecting properly the past 2-weeks and I was looking forward to having some intimate time with him. We then had another talk, and he admitted to me that he has been struggling to cope with being in a relationship, despite being in love with me. For a bit more background on him, he has an untreated medical condition which makes him very fatigued, so he does get tired early in the evenings. He also has low self-esteem (which stems from being bullied in school for having a speech disorder). So, he said for these reasons, he's never had a proper girlfriend before or been in a proper relationship other than with me. He previously had a 6-month internet long-distance relationship with someone, but he never met them in person. He told me that he has dated lots in the past few years, he's had lots of first and second dates, but never a third date... he then acknowledged this was unusual by saying "I realise this is a red flag"... I interpreted this at the time as that he just hadn't felt a true connection with someone before, but yes perhaps it was a red flag but to me I didn't seem bothered by it.
He said he was finding it difficult to fit in time to see me around his fulltime work, seeing his mates on Saturdays (to watch football), seeing his father for lunch on Sundays, and fitting in housework! Even seeing me once a week was becoming a struggle for him. I did notice early on that he seemed a bit rigid in his routines, which didn't really bother me as I was happy to fit in around his schedule as mine was semi-flexible. I even said to him, I would even be happy to just come over and snuggle up to him and we don't even have to go out and do stuff all the time, but even that sounded too much. He was so overwhelmed with emotion when he told me this, and over time I had noticed that his mood can go from being very happy to sad almost instantly. He appeared to have difficulty regulating and describing his emotions. It's not clear how much of that may be due to possibly having an FA attachment style, or if it's due to his speech disorder. He also has some significant anxiety which is unrelated to relationships - for example, he gets to work 2-hours early each day to "mentally prepare" for his shift (he works in retail and has been in the same role for the past 12-years, so it's not like he's needing to learn new things). He appeared to worry sometimes about earning less than me, as I am in a professional role, and he would say things like "do you feel OK to be the breadwinner in this relationship", to which I told him that didn't bother me. He would take a long time to process things after our emotion-driven chats (I felt they were more your typical chats that couples have, but he interpreted them as being very emotionally intense), and often he would find it difficult to find the right words to describe things and often say "I don't know". I would always try to reassure him that it was OK, given him long times to respond or space, and try to support him with his feelings and reassure him as much as I could.
When we broke up, it was very emotional. We both crying... he was crying hysterically. He was still kissing me and telling me that he loved me, and that this wasn't about me but about him and his inability to be in a relationship (due to his tiredness and difficulty fitting in time to see me in his lifestyle). I asked if he would try to work on this with me as I had ideas, but he was reluctant to try and work on things. He told me from the first day I met him that he is very stubborn when he described his personality, but I'd never seen his stubborn side really until this night. I gave him a card I had basically written a love letter to him on, and he was so emotional he could barely read it. He kept telling me that I was too good for him and he didn't deserve me. I said to him, this must be a relief for you now, not having to see me anymore... and he looked at me with such shock and disagreement, and said no, this is not a relief at all. Not sure what to make of that. I did send him a text the next day basically saying I wish he had of given us a chance and I hope we can still be friends and see each other again one day. He did send a caring reply apologising for hurting me and telling me everything was real to him and that he loved our time together. He said that we'll see what the future holds and to look after myself. He did tell me that night we broke up that we could still be friends, but I don't know if he just said that to keep the peace. He was always very avoidant of conflict, even with other people. Since then, I have gone no contact for the past 5-weeks, and I've not heard from him. Around week 4, he deleted me as a Facebook friend, which really hurt me as we'd never interacted over Facebook before, and he never used it to my knowledge. It was like my one connection to him and I wondered if he deleted me due to finding it hard to see me pop up in his feed, or whether this was an angry response for whether it's because he's moved on. I was always planning to contact him after the no contact period, but now it seems a bit strange after he's deleted me from Facebook. Upon reflection, he never introduced me to any of his friends, even though he did tell them about me (which I can confirm as his best mate worked with a relative of mine who told me his best mate asked about me and what I was like). Many of my friends also thought it was weird that he broke up with me 1-week before his family were returning from overseas. It's like he compartmentalized me in his life somewhat.
The past 5-weeks have been a complete mess. I've been grieving this relationship and what could have been, I've been depressed and anxious all the time. I stupidly agreed to go overseas with a friend who wanted to help me to get my mind off him, but I lasted 3-days before returning home. I've started to see a therapist and only had one session, so it's very early days still. I discussed with my therapist about sending the text message, and she said if I was going to send it, to do it soon as she could see I just can't stop thinking about whether to send it or not. I decided I am going to send it and would like some advice. I'm planning to say hi and see how he is going and ask if he would be open to catching up for a coffee sometime. I still love him dearly, and of course, I would love to reunite with him. I am aware that if that were to happen (wishful thinking) we would both need to work on our attachment issues (and he would need to be open to that too). I would sincerely be content with even just being his friend if he were open to that. Out of all my romantic relationships I've had in my lifetime, he has had the biggest impact on me emotionally and I truly felt that he was the one. I told him I wasn't ready to say goodbye to him, and I'm still not. I am preparing myself for him to either ignore me or reply and say he's not interested and that he's moved on. To be honest, I have nothing bad to say about him, he was always a very caring, vulnerable, and compassionate guy, so if he weren't open to seeing me, he would probably be respectful about it. On the off chance that he is just too stubborn to contact me, I am hoping my text will open a door and may lead to something more. I'm sure there will be people here suggesting I don't text him, but I figure we only live once and I don't want to have any regrets.
If we don't find our way back to each other, then I need to start working on healing my soul because I'm really struggling to imagine my life without him in it. I'd be interested to hear people’s thoughts, especially around his behaviours and if they are typical of someone who is FA? Another thing I am confused about, is why he hasn't tried to contact me, as a lot of what I'm reading, FA types tend to do this push/pull and come back to their partners a lot of the time? I realise there would be individual differences with this, but I just thought with the strong connection we had, this could have been a possibility... I'm also not that familiar with the deactivating/reactivating strategies as I’m still reading up on this, so if anyone can shed light on what they think is going on, I would find that most helpful.
Thanks everyone
