Will My Avoidant Boyfriend of 4 years Ever Come Back?

Yes, I reached out to him right after it happened to say, let's not do this. Let's just talk but he didn't contact me. I waited about 3 days before contacting him again and contacted him several times by text and phone over several days and now I have had no contact for 2 days and this will make 3 days today. I have decided not to contact him anymore.

After reading some of the ways the avoidants act as far as contempt, My boyfriend never seemed to have contempt for me overtly. I think the way he is acting now is showing contempt but he was always very loving and kind and supportive.

We actually had a fairly stable relationship except for the random times when I would ask for more. Usually, we would get off the phone and he would call me in a day or 2, sometimes sooner. It was obvious he didn't like these breaks.

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate the link. I will read it now.

I am editing my reply because I did read the protesting behaviors.


• Calling, texting, or e-mailing many times, waiting for a phone call, loitering by your partner’s workplace in hopes of running into him/ her.
• Withdrawing: Sitting silently “engrossed” in the paper, literally turning your back on your partner, not speaking, talking with other people on the phone and ignoring him/her.
• Keeping score: Paying attention to how long it took them to return your phone call and waiting just as long to return theirs; waiting for them to make the first “make-up” move and acting distant until such time.
• Acting hostile: Rolling your eyes when they speak, looking away, getting up and leaving the room while they’re talking (acting hostile can transgress to outright violence at times).
• Threatening to leave: Making threats—“ We’re not getting along, I don’t think I can do this anymore,” “I knew we weren’t really right for each other,” “I’ll be better off without you”—all the while hoping [partner] will stop you from leaving.
• Manipulations: Acting busy or unapproachable. Ignoring phone calls, saying you have plans when you don’t.
• Making him/ her feel jealous: Making plans to get together with an ex for lunch, going out with friends to a singles bar, telling your partner about someone who hit on you today.

I rarely called him (maybe once a month) He would call me at night so I looked forward to his call. I would only call him if I needed to tell him something. Like when I had to go to the emergency room with stomach pains and just wanted to talk to him.

We didn't have any behaviors like eye rolling or ignoring calls, ignoring each other or anything like that.

I think the main thing is that I doubted his love because of the way he was unable to express it at times and I just said it one too many times.

It hurt him when I doubted him. It was my fault because I didn't know better at the time.

Please read the following that I copied from the link you sent. It calls these activating strategies. I don't understand what this means but almost every one of these fit me to a T!!

Thinking about your mate, difficulty concentrating on other things.
• Remembering only their good qualities.
• Putting them on a pedestal: underestimating your talents and abilities and overestimating theirs.
• An anxious feeling that goes away only when you are in contact with them.
• Believing this is your only chance for love, as in: “I’m only compatible with very few people—what are the chances I’ll find another person like him/ her?,” or “It takes years to meet someone new; I’ll end up alone.”
• Believing that even though you’re unhappy, you’d better not let go, as in: “If she leaves me, she’ll turn into a great partner—for someone else,, or “He can change,” or “All couples have problems—we’re not special in that regard.”

Thank you, Juniper. You have a very nice style of responding. Truthful but not brutal. I am going to take the test now. I will let you know what I find out. I appreciate you reaching out to me.

Yes, How true that we need to look inside of ourselves. I took the long version of the test and my overall type was secure. With my mom and best friend I was also secure but with my boyfriend, I was preoccupied.
Thank you again for the insights and help. I pray you to continue on your journey of self-exploration and healing that you long for. You seem to be very dedicated to the process. Peace to you.

Welcome to the club no one wants to be in!