AP Jealous of DA's

juniper - you posted this above in response to comment:

"I guess you better just go head and ruminate so you don't hurt any exes lol."

That wasn't very nice. lol.

Attachment can be triggered in any relationship and can affect many relationships - it's not just romantic ones.

And I am not trying to change anyone -- just to point out that when I'm hurt / triggered / upset / confused, whatever, that if it is mutually discussed, understood, worked through, etc, the outcome could be better and similar occurrences can be improved (with me or anyone else) - for both parties.

Yes - most people don't want that - because they don't want to face their own ways / demons / errors, whatever - and they don't want to change.
Fine.

But somewhere, someone wrote - it's OK to have issues, but when you keep on hurting others, it's time to stop and look at yourself.

"And, you quoted a dismissive who left a relationship after trying to work it out, that dismissive wanted it to work , that is mentioned. You have taken bits an pieces and ignored the big picture of the poster's experience to support your perspective. I just don't agree with you.
No dismissive I have ever know wanted to work things out - they all left me in a puddle of despair - I'm not sure what your comment refers to.

My posts are about dealing with upset, facing it and agreeing to disagree.
As I stated - fine if you don't disagree with me.
You responses feel quite aggressive, maybe that is just the writing which can be misinterpreted, so apologies in advance if that is not so.

I am expressing AP experience, AP pain and how I am dealing with it.

And how I am learning that switching off is actually a far better way for me to deal with the overwhelming pain and disruption of being walked away from when things are left unclear, unfinished, confusing., unfair, imbalanced, whatever, in any relationship. Even if / after I have attempted to talk things through.

And warriorgirl-

you made a comment that i "seem to want you to suffer" from rumination and Ap pain?

what the hell kind of victim mode is that?
read about AP assigning a negative motive to others.

I'm not a cruel person who wishes anyone to suffer.
If you behaved this way with your dismissive ex and blame them for leaving "inappropriately" we can talk about that, if you'd like.

If you think it's your ex partners responsibility to heal you after a breakup you are mistaken.
If you think that taking responsibility for the relationship involves staying in it until the other partner decides its time to end it you are mistaken.
If you think the DA in that post did not suffer and find a way to deal with their feelings you are mistaken and should read their words for what they say instead of the biased perspective you are projecting.

Go read it. Are you going to assume that that dismissive did not try to make it work? I went back and read that the relationship was with another dismissive. does that change your assumptions here at all? Are you able to stop projecting your experience on to this poster?
I am asking because you used their posting here to bolster your position instead of empathizing with them. They had a painful breakup. They were dealing with their feelings in ways that don't involve rumination. They had grief.

Do you know what happened in the relationship and breakup? Or are you using bias confirmation to underscore the feelings you have about your ex, and your breakup?

I'm not at all intimidated by the argument here and don't adopt your POV just because you are calling it secure.

Why do you think I am trying to intimidate you?
Is that a dismissive thing?

brokenbiscuit - you put that very well.

When 'dismissed' in a romantic relationship, it is, for an AP, just like that.
So why is that right or fair for the AP?
Yes OK for the Dismissive to do?

IF YOU COULD STOP RUMINATING IT WOULD BE GOOD, BUT OF A DISMISSIVE DOES IT THEY ARE BAD.

No - I'm not sure how you deduced that.

My interpretation is that you suggested I go and ruminate about my exes .. 'lol'.
Which I have done / do - and which caused a lot of pain to myself.

As far as I understand - from the quote I posted earlier - Dismissives are much more able to switch off the rumination and when it does come back are much more able to repeatedly switch it off. That's where the 'jealousy' from APs comes from.
That's the bit I am now understanding, learning.
The 'tool'

yes dismissive can turn of rumination.
but i don't turn off feelings and neither did that poster you quoted.
that was the original topic.
Avoiding hurt through detachment as if by switch.

that is not the case. the post you quoted outlines that very well.

i have never wished harm on any poster here .

OK - you can have the last word.