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Post by kristyrose on Aug 3, 2018 18:21:22 GMT
Hey everyone,
For some reason I am unexpectedly having a difficult morning.
My ex who is FA has been away visiting family since last week. For those of you unfamiliar with my story, he broke up with me last year in April, I went NC for about 2 months and during that time he reached out over and over, I broke NC and we have been still seeing each other regularly since, but not officially back together.
I have accepted this quasi-friendship with him knowing he cannot fully be with me, I am dating others and keeping myself open, he so far is just seeing me, but did say he is open to others.
Ok, so usually he goes away for a week or so each month to visit family and during that time I pretty much do my own thing, have plenty of friends and things to enjoy so I don't really reach out much but he tends to still text and or email at least once a day while away. We both tell each other what we are doing, he will let me know when he is heading back, but its pretty much low to no pressure on him and I feel fine getting a break as well.
however, somewhere mid week he has decided to not answer any questions I have via text. For instance, we were discussing going to a concert next week, and in between I asked how a project he was working on was coming along, he never responded. So, I let it go, a few days later, he sent a silly email link, and then last night I mentioned i would get the tickets today, and he stated that sounded good and he was still away. I asked when he would be back, silence.
This morning he texted about the tickets, they had sold out quickly so we both tried and could not get them, ok no big deal, so I said, ok how are things over there? nothing. He would only discuss the tickets. This is so odd and frankly childish.
So, i sent him a text saying I wasn't trying to pry with my asking about his day or when he is back, I was just curious and hope he has a good day. I'm going to leave it at that and not think about wtf is going on, but am I crazy or something? What is the big deal and is this prying or applying some kind of pressure when we normally tell each other what we are doing or ask how things are-
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Post by brokenbiscuit on Aug 3, 2018 18:51:30 GMT
I'm the same attachment style as him and I wouldn't ignore people. Maybe he's just a wanker.
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Post by kristyrose on Aug 3, 2018 19:07:12 GMT
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Post by kristyrose on Aug 3, 2018 19:21:10 GMT
am curious though, this seems like typical distancing behavior and a need for total control.
Do you ever feel this way?
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Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2018 19:21:37 GMT
I'm the same attachment style as him and I wouldn't ignore people. Maybe he's just a wanker. omg i love me some brokenbiscuit!!! 😂 |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 3, 2018 19:36:33 GMT
Brokenbiscuit is probably right!
But my FA ex and situation is very similar to yours, so I can tell you what I've noticed. He's super communicative when he's feeling into me, and not great at being comprehensively responsive when he's distancing. But the one time he's consistently distant that has zero to do with me is when he's with his family. I figured they were always just busy during their time together, no big deal, except one time I spent a few days with them, and they really weren't busy at all. I realized then that he probably spends much of his family time triggered (he has an FA style for a reason) and has no brain space to text about anything that isn't time-sensitive, since he's not a big texter when he's not infatuated anyhow. He'd resume normal texting once he returned.
Don't let concern about what he's doing drive you crazy because it probably has little to do with you.
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Post by kristyrose on Aug 3, 2018 19:56:15 GMT
Hi alexandra, Thank you for sharing your experience and insight. I think you are right, as his time with family is coming to an end and he is coming home, he no doubt wants to set the tone that he is not available to see me or answer my questions. It really pissed me off today for some reason when usually I just shake it off and ignore him in kind. I think because he was so responsive and kind the first half of the trip, then it feels like something happened mid week and he decided to just give me the bare minimum responses and ignore parts he doesnt like. I always respect his space especially when he is with family, but this is ridiculous to me when I know not only will he text when he is back, he pretty much always asks to see me anyway. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 3, 2018 20:02:15 GMT
Right, but something may have happened with his family mid week that made him feel more triggered than usual, so less communicative. My ex doesn't even realize when he does it, even though I believe the increased space is a bid for him to feel more in control of himself while he calms down. I don't think he's trying to play a game with you, at least not consciously.
As a recovering AP, I've learned it's important not to internalize things like this in a negative, personal way.
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Post by kristyrose on Aug 3, 2018 20:08:59 GMT
Right, but something may have happened with his family mid week that made him feel more triggered than usual, so less communicative. My ex doesn't even realize when he does it, even though I believe the increased space is a bid for him to feel more in control of himself while he calms down. I don't think he's trying to play a game with you, at least not consciously. As a recovering AP, I've learned it's important not to internalize things like this in a negative, personal way. Thank you, I needed to hear this. I am also recovering AP but there are times such as this, where I find myself taking these actions I know so well, personally. I get triggered when I am with my family and have a tendency to want to reach out even more to him because i usually feel so empty with them, but he gets the opposite. He has an elderly mother and a brother with severe mental illness so when he is with them, he is usually doing a lot of caregiving and I so I make a point of leaving him alone and letting him reach out when he feels like it. I think sometimes all the work I do around both my own attachment and his can sometimes burn me out and also make me feel resentful at times as well. I need to take a step back and remember what I've learned and am still learning and not fall back into my standard AP ways. Thank you very much for helping me with this... |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 3, 2018 20:35:53 GMT
It is a work in progress, you'll get there if you keep trying.
I'm just testing fully secure for the first time in my life... since my FA ex dumped me for a second time in 2.5 years, ironically. That doesn't mean I don't have AP triggers, but I'm able to recognize them, describe them better, and separate healthier feelings from attachment system activation.
I don't entirely know what I'm doing still, though. Trial and error, learning more about how to maintain earned secure and being mindful about de-personalizing things that aren't my problem/issues.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 3, 2018 20:39:25 GMT
Staying focused on your own attachment style and progress is good. If you can be less focused on his, since that's his responsibility, you'll probably feel less resentful.
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Post by kristyrose on Aug 3, 2018 20:58:04 GMT
It is a work in progress, you'll get there if you keep trying. I'm just testing fully secure for the first time in my life... since my FA ex dumped me for a second time in 2.5 years, ironically. That doesn't mean I don't have AP triggers, but I'm able to recognize them, describe them better, and separate healthier feelings from attachment system activation. I don't entirely know what I'm doing still, though. Trial and error, learning more about how to maintain earned secure and being mindful about de-personalizing things that aren't my problem/issues. Yes, it is indeed very hard work but of course worth it for the healing felt along the way. I have days where what would normally throw me for a loop and into obsessing, becomes not only manageable but I've been able to shift focus away from him entirely. yesterday was a great day as well, despite knowing the weekend is approaching and I get some small anxiety about whether or not I will see him, I actually didn't care much and made my own plans and kept the focus on myself. What triggers me is when he ignores me- even in the smallest way like only answering part of a text and being as vague as possible. I get activated quickly because he did this throughout our 3 yr relationship and it had me on constant pins and needles because some distancing would undoubtedly follow. I guess I boomeranged right back to that place of fear and wondering when/if I will see him next and will he ice me out for no reason. I don't want to be there today so I'm working hard to shift my focus. its hard today |
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