Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2018 21:59:19 GMT
Hello Everyone,
I've been a lurker on the boards since the beginning of May when I was dumped by my ex of the past 8 months. Both of us are 33 years old. I had no idea about attachment theory and only learned about dismissive partners and this board after searching for answers after this very unexpected and heart wrenching experience. While there is some comfort in knowing that it seems that my ex suffers from an attachment injury, and I have discovered that I am an anxious-preoccupied myself, I would be lying if I said that I did not/do not hope for a reconciliation. This is something that I do not feel comfortable sharing with many friends (many of whom have become exasperated from hearing about my entire ordeal or some that simply do not understand why I would ever think to go back?). I have been working on myself in bits and pieces, and have gone back to therapy- but the feelings for my ex continue to linger. The truth is that while there were elements of the relationship that left me wanting more, I do not think we were incompatible and I felt a strong connection with my ex emotionally and physically. A bit of back story on our relationship & my situation-- my apologies as this is LONG but I feel like these elements are important to establish his behaviors with me.
We met through a mutual friend; my best friend and my ex were coworkers at the time. My friend invited me to join him out with a group of friends and while my ex whom I'll refer to as "M" and I exchanged pleasantries, I thought nothing of it, because I myself had just come out of a tumultuous on/off relationship with my ex BF who has BPD/alcholism. After a few meetings in the group, it came up in conversation that we both liked a certain band that happened to be playing at a big music festival that weekend and "M" invited me to come along as he had an extra pass for the festival. I thought this was a platonic invitation and thought nothing of it. I have to say I'm a bit obtuse and M was reserved and not flirtatious in the least. We spent the next 2 days walking around the festival, drinking, eating and generally having a good time. He introduced me to a friend that also happened to be at the show. While at the festival, we found out that this band would be playing a "secret show" in NYC the following day and then managed to secure tickets to that as well. By this point, we had a friendly rapport and were texting daily leading up to the show. At the show, we both drank a little bit too much and continued to do so at the after party. I guess, by this point both of our inhibitions were down as we proceeded to sleep together that evening. While I do not normally think this is the healthy makings of a new relationship, the next morning M continued to keep in contact with me and confessed that he had been waiting to figure out how to kiss me all weekend. I apologized for my part in whatever happened, as I was still confused and not ready to date because of my recent breakup but M persisted. He invited himself to my house after work the following evening - where we watched tv and it was innocent but pleasant. He then asked me out on a proper date and we continued to see each other consistently - several times a week at dinners, concerts, movies, etc. I introduced him to my friends, and generally included him in my social life.
There was a lot of traveling on my end, at the start of the relationship as I went to visit family out of state, and then had a trip out of the country with my friend, but we remained in contact. Early on in the relationship, M said that he felt "closer to me than he had felt in his 3 previous relationships" and I really felt my guard slowly come down with him. I felt emotionally connected to him and was happy but still guarded because of my previous relationship trauma. After approximately 2 months, we finally had a "talk" where I explained that I wanted to keep seeing M but that I could not promise to be his "girlfriend." I even said that he could see other people if he wished, but that I did not want to hear about it. He reassured me that he did not want to see anyone else, and so we became "exclusive" although neither of us ever used the terms "girlfriend" or "boyfriend." I see now, that I was afraid. [Perhaps I am an FA and do not know it?]
All in all, I was happy with the relationship aside from an incident several months in where I became perturbed because M would ask me to dinners and then suggest that we split the check. I do not have a problem splitting a check, but I found it to be distasteful when he would ask me out on these dates, or I would pay for the concert tickets and not ask to be reimbursed. I ended up growing resentful instead of voicing my distate openly and this eventually led to a breakdown in communication, where we did not speak for a week. At that point, I had blocked his phone number and told him and myself that I did not think we were right for each other. Of course, he ended up writing me a very long winded and heartfelt email explaining that he felt we had a palpable connection and he did not understand why I was shutting him out. Eventually, I came around and had to explain why I found an issue with him asking to split checks, another incident where he bought himself breakfast and coffee and then sat down and offered me nothing, and other similar behaviors to feel like mini-rejections. He apologized and blamed his behaviors on a lack of dating experience, and not knowing about conventional courtship rituals. We reconciled and continued our relationship, and I even helped M get a second job through a contact of mine, to ease some of his financial troubles as I believed this to be the reason he behaved this way. He began to pay for dinners, or we would take turns as I had initially intended.
I learned a little bit about his previous relationships, and learned that he and his previous girlfriend worked together. He was her manager at work, and they dated for 3 years, and as far as I understood- never lived together. The relationship ended because the girlfriend made a lot of passive aggressive comments about how he chose to spend his time. (I see now that M is a workaholic.) Prior to that relationship, he was involved with someone for a year that was engaged to someone else (avoidant dating someone that is unavailable to them?). As far as I know, M was continuing to sleep with his ex gf for some time after the relationship was over - according to my friend that worked w him, but eventually this arrangement ended. His home life, has remained a bit of a mystery to me- I know that his parents are still married and he is the youngest of three. Both older siblings have been through divorces.
Everything seemed to be chugging along fine. During this period, I consoled and supported M through the death of a relative. This relative had been in hospice care, and when he discussed his worsening health he was very removed and detached with me. When his father called to let him know that the relative had passed away, I recall that he answered the phone call almost robotically "alright. thank you for letting me know," then proceeded to sob into his pillow, so I would not see once he got off the phone. I thought this was strange, but since the exchange was between two men on the phone, I did not think anything of it. I left to visit my family for thanksgiving, and had given keys to M to my apt by this point. He repaired and renovated things around the apt for me while I was gone as a surprise, and was very affectionate and happy when I came back from my trip. In mid December, after not seeing eacho ther as often due to M now having two jobs, he asked to stay over my house and then if we could get breakfast in the morning. I was happy and agreed.
We were intimate, as was the case on nearly all the nights he came over and the following morning set off to get breakfast. When the check came, he asked if we could split the check and for some reason this behavior really triggered me and I had to avoid eye contact as I was afraid I'd burst into tears at the restaurant. Again, it was not about the cost of the breakfast, but because I felt like M was again disregarding my feelings. We parted ways after I accompanied him as he ran an errand, and eventually this caused our first large rift. He texted me later, and said he sensed that I was upset with him but he didn't want to assume things. I was cold and dismissive. I then told him I did not want to date any longer and he said that while it hurt and it was not what he wanted, it was "fine" because he was "stretched thin as it [was]" with his work commitments. I see now that, this was a manipulation on my part and I should have been honest with myself and him. In any case, I ended up regretting my actions and reaching out to reconcile after two weeks, apologizing for my behavior and exclaiming about how much I missed him. He stated that he missed me too, but that he needed time to think, that he could not add a serious relationship commitment to the fold at the moment, due to his fear of relationships (having helped both of his siblings through divorces) and that sometimes he felt insecure because he felt that I was harboring resentments towards him. He explained that he was working on all of these things in therapy, an and that he would "reach out when [he] was ready. At what time and in what capacity are still a mystery to [me]." After two weeks, I reached out to him by sending him a job posting and we started talking and reconciled.
After our reconcilation, it felt like our relationship was moving along and in a better place than ever. M was working two jobs many weeknights, but he still made an effort to see me at least once a week and he continued to text with me, wishing me a good morning, texting me throughout his day at work, and also checking in and saying good night just as he had done since we started hanging out at the concert. I'm not a huge fan of PDA but M made a point of always holding my hand in public, and often initiated cuddling and sex at home. I was fine with the relationship as it was. In March, I left for a trip out of town but continued to stay in contact with M. During my trip, M sent me a meme and I replied by saying something along the lines of "no that's not what i meant. Dum Dum." M reacted by saying that he was sick of me "always insulting his intelligence," when I was supposed to be "his rock." I was confused, as I only meant it as a pet name and tried to reassure him that of course I didn't think he was dumb? This was very strange behavior to me, and I asked him "when did I ever make you feel less than?" and he brought up an incident where he sent me a photo of a vintage t-shirt he liked and he said "cool right?" and I said "eh. its not my favorite." I was confused how such a benign comment could spiral into an entire incident. By this point, I began to feel attacked and said "what do you want from me? last time I checked i wasn't your girlfriend anyway." While I was fine with the noncommittal aspect of our relationship, I think I wanted some reassurance by this point that M wasn't going to go anywhere. He responded that "that was a separate conversation." and that he didnt know what he wanted, and it wasn't fair to keep me in the weeds, until he figured it out. I told him that I wished him the best, but that I could not stay in limbo with someone who was unsure how they felt about me. I stopped talking to him. When I flew back to NYC the next day, he was very apologetic and said "im sorry. i spent a large part of my life feeling nothing and now im trying to learn how to manage feeling everything" (i believe he may have hinted that he is the child of an alcoholic?) and that he wanted to continue to see me & spend time with me. I asked him if he knew how I felt about him bc he mentioned that he did not during out conversation and he said that he did, and that he had just been moody, but that he knew that I "cared about [him] a lot." Everything was fine- we went on a nice date and saw each other throughout the week. I left to go to Colombia for 2 weeks on a previously planned trip, and we remained in contact during my entire trip. Then we had another date when I returned and were intimate. M finally went on his much-needed and long overdue family vacation overseas for 2 weeks and continued to text me and send me photos from the trip.
The beginning of the end:
When he returned, and we were finally in the same city at the same time I was happy and excited he was back. I texted him and asked when he was free and he replied "I just need a night to sleep in my own bed. I'm exhausted." This was hurtful, and I replied and said that I was just wondering what his schedule was, and that I had not been inviting him over that evening anyhow. He sent me back the eyeroll emoji- as was our joke- when one of us said something out of line. I did not think anything of his moody behavior. The next day I made a point of meeting him as he was leaving work to go to the gym, and he was friendly and seemed happy to see me. I did say "I really missed you" when I gave him a hug and I remember that he laughed nervously - which bothered me- but I tried to play this off and said "did i just say that?" as a joke. Inside, I was fuming and immediately texted my friend that M did not seem all that interested in me..and not that excited to see me. I tried to distance myself from him, and did not text him first. But M continued to text me and ask what I was up to- albeit without making any concrete plans with me. So I chalked up my anxiety to me being "crazy and paranoid." The following day M and I had plans to go to the movies, and I texted him and said "you know Im missing a concert to go to the movies with you." My intention was to show him how much I valued spending time with him, but also a manipulation ?? Bc he responded by saying "if i were you I would go to the concert over the movies w me. we're just going to sit in a dark room for 90 mins and not speak to each other and we don't have plans to go to dinner or sleep over after." I was hurt - but again, said nothing. I was wearing a crazy bodysuit due to a cosmetic procedure I had done overseas- and the zipper could only be closed by another person. M insisted that I take an uber to his work and he would help me get ready for the concert.
When I arrived at his work, he introduced me to his new coworkers (my friend no longer works there) and was affectionate, and kissed me good bye. He asked me who I was going to the concert with and I said "just some guy. he has a press pass." I thought that he would be jealous or that this would illicit some sort of response in him-- but he didn't seem to be too bothered by it. I texted him and thanked him for helping me with the bodysuit and he sent me back an affectionate emoji and I said "I wish I was going to the concert with you" and he said "but he's your ticket in!" So, the following few days M continued to text me morning and evening. He even invited me to see a concert at the bar where he works- which I ended up going to.
During the concert, he was attentive and texted me to ask if I "needed something?" at the end of the evening he walked me out and I tried to kiss him goodbye- but he was stiff. I felt awkward and hurt again. I was confused by his behavior. He asked me to text him when I got home- I didn't. That weekend, I was working on projects and he texted me consistently to check in and apologized for us not properly getting together and that perhaps we could go to the movies and dinner some time in the coming week? I was hopeful again. But I still had an itch to scratch, and I don't know why I decided to ask- but I said "Are you over this/too busy? Because I'm having a hard time reading you."
M:"I'm having a hard time reading myself. Working on it in therapy.
But you know you can always talk to me about anything."
"Well I'm asking you about this. I need an answer."
M:"That's a loaded question I wasn't prepared to answer right now."
"I need an answer."
M: "To be perfectly honest my head and my heart just aren't into it right now."
I felt like someone had taken a dagger and twisted it ino my heart. Although, we had never said the "L" word, i felt that M had cared for me deeply. It seemed like this wasn't the case any longer. I was angry and sad all at once, I said:
"Ok. thanks for letting me know."
M: "We can talk about it more later this week."
"No that's fine. No point in beating a dead horse."
I sat with these feelings for the duration of the day, and then sent him an angry e-mail where I asked him why he continued to make plans with me and text me nonstop if he no longer had feelings for me? I said that maybe he needed a new therapist, because his was clearly not working and if he felt anything for me at all- he wouldn't have strung me along like this. I heard nothing back.
I was still ruminating with these feelings, when I asked a mutual friend to text him so I could get some clarity. His responses to her only made me more confused. He told her that he invited me to the concert because he: liked me, cared about, and that was never the issue.That he wanted to see me & spend time with me. He said that "sometimes his life can get to a point where he starts to lose touch with himself and can feel like a rabbit running around a track." That he "can't commit to people..places..things..obligations." But that there were things beneath the surface with the relationship that were incredibly challenging to him? That my critique was valid, but that he had no time for vitriol in his life and he wasn't going to make a "laundry list of complaints and concerns and ideas for improvement bc he wasn't going to put himself back out there so I could call him a piece of shit again."
? This triggered me and I again ended up texting him and asking for an explanation, I accused him of gaslighting me, of leading me on and making me feel insane with his hot/cold behavior. He told me that he was very sorry that our relationship had devolved to this but that he had taken a great deal of time to think about the situation and we were both on different wavelengths. He said that I misread him and the situation, and he was sorry if I felt baited or manipulated. He wished he could take it all back, but that was beyond the realm of possibility. That he cared about me, despite what I thought. And that his door was always open to me should I need to talk.
A few days later- I tried to text him to apologize for things I said that I felt were out of line. At that point, I realized I was blocked and so I e-mailed him my apology instead. While my apology was genuine, and I expressed just how much he meant to me- the e-mail response from him triggered me yet again. The e-mail sounded dismissive and condescending, as he said he "wished me well" and that he coudn't be a "punching bag" while I worked through what I needed to work through. That he found things I said to be "jarring" and that "time and distance were our greatest allies at the moment. But again, should I need his support if I was going through something I couldn’t handle on my own that he was there for me." What bothered me was that he said that he had taken a great deal of time to think this situation through in his head, and that he badgered and berated himself for not being able to provide me with more?? That his inability to reciprocate was leaving knots in his stomach ?? What bothered me was that if this were true, why had he continued to text me & invite me to the movies and dinner? How would he have ended things with me there? And that he hoped one day we could "reenter eachother's lives on a positive note."
I wrote him back and stated that while I was sorry for being unnecessarily rude, I didn't think "time or distance" would ever make me want to be friends with someone would ultimately won't acknowledge or take responsibility for what was essentially "mental abuse"<=yes, I was a little dramatic. And that was the last of our contact.
Approximately 10 days later- after still not being able to make sense of the situation and being blocked on everything- I made the ill fated decision to try and speak to M outside of his work. When he saw me, he was cold and robotic but agreed to sit with me for a few minutes and talk anyway. He had an awkward smile on his face- which I have never seen and when I asked him why he was smiling- to try and make light of the situation he snapped and said that he wasn't sitting down with me so I could pick him apart?
I asked him for "another chance" and he said that he couldn't. He said that he had no romantic feelings for me, and that I wouldn't get a "get out of jail card for my e-mails." I tried to explain to him that I was hurt and lashing out, and that surely he knew me by now? He said that "he didn't know who I was" and when I asked him why he said that he wanted to "see me and spend time with me" or that he "cared about me" he said that was in the "gray area." And he meant as a friend??? The interaction left me more confused and heartbroken. I asked him if he wanted to date someone else and he said "No. I have no romantic feelings for anyone. Im working on it in therapy to figure out why and maybe the spark will come back." I tried to ask him what the "issues beneath the surface with our relationship" were? but he refused to answer.
I'm embarrassed to say I begged and pleaded with him and he brushed me aside, and said that I wasn't listening to him, that he needed space. He started to literally RUN away from me and I followed him asking him to please continue speaking to me, and to please stop running. He ran from me for 5 city blocks and i called after him "are you ever going to talk to me?" and he yelled back "if you don't give me space I'll never talk to you again!"
I'm still hurt & confused. Truly at a loss. It doesn't make sense how a 33 year old man could run away from me and how this entire situation has devolved into something I imagine would happen between two children in middle school. I'm heartbroken.
Now:
We have remained NC this entire time- to the best of my knowledge I have been blocked on WhatsApp, text message, and he deleted his IG immediately following the implosion of our relationship. He has only brought it back 2 weeks ago - but it is private.
I did end up going to see a concert at his place of work last week, as I was still unsure if he worked there- we no longer have any mutual friends as my friend has distanced himself from him, and we do not have any other overlapping friends. He did not speak to me and I avoided him and did not make eye contact, but after being there for nearly 5 hours and ordering a beverage from the bartender- he appeared almost as if out of thin air- with a big smile and said "need anything?" I was startled and not prepared to see him or speak to him so I just said: No! ... I'm good. And he disappeared.
I don't want to read too much into this interaction, but it was obvious he was trying to speak to me as he was no where near me and he is the barback and does not need to interact with customers.
I have gone back to the bar since, coincidentally because my neighbor's band played a show and he and I made no eye contact. I went with a male friend (as I did not want to go alone) and he seemed to be tense and did not speak to anyone and stormed past me several times. I don't know if he assumed I was on a date or what? I want to add that this is the bar where I got him the job and a place I have been going far before he worked there-so I am not going there to exclusively see him.
All thoughts about whether he sounds like a DA/FA/Just Not Into Me are appreciated as there are too many behaviors and things that do not add up. And finally... I am doing much better and taking responsibility for my part in the dissolution of the relationship, but does it sound like there's any hope of a reconciliation? Did I blow it by not speaking to him at the bar? I know my therapist says I should not reach out to him-- but I'm torn. Although truth be told, I don't know if I can handle another rejection from him right now as I'm only starting to feel better at 3 months out.
I've been a lurker on the boards since the beginning of May when I was dumped by my ex of the past 8 months. Both of us are 33 years old. I had no idea about attachment theory and only learned about dismissive partners and this board after searching for answers after this very unexpected and heart wrenching experience. While there is some comfort in knowing that it seems that my ex suffers from an attachment injury, and I have discovered that I am an anxious-preoccupied myself, I would be lying if I said that I did not/do not hope for a reconciliation. This is something that I do not feel comfortable sharing with many friends (many of whom have become exasperated from hearing about my entire ordeal or some that simply do not understand why I would ever think to go back?). I have been working on myself in bits and pieces, and have gone back to therapy- but the feelings for my ex continue to linger. The truth is that while there were elements of the relationship that left me wanting more, I do not think we were incompatible and I felt a strong connection with my ex emotionally and physically. A bit of back story on our relationship & my situation-- my apologies as this is LONG but I feel like these elements are important to establish his behaviors with me.
We met through a mutual friend; my best friend and my ex were coworkers at the time. My friend invited me to join him out with a group of friends and while my ex whom I'll refer to as "M" and I exchanged pleasantries, I thought nothing of it, because I myself had just come out of a tumultuous on/off relationship with my ex BF who has BPD/alcholism. After a few meetings in the group, it came up in conversation that we both liked a certain band that happened to be playing at a big music festival that weekend and "M" invited me to come along as he had an extra pass for the festival. I thought this was a platonic invitation and thought nothing of it. I have to say I'm a bit obtuse and M was reserved and not flirtatious in the least. We spent the next 2 days walking around the festival, drinking, eating and generally having a good time. He introduced me to a friend that also happened to be at the show. While at the festival, we found out that this band would be playing a "secret show" in NYC the following day and then managed to secure tickets to that as well. By this point, we had a friendly rapport and were texting daily leading up to the show. At the show, we both drank a little bit too much and continued to do so at the after party. I guess, by this point both of our inhibitions were down as we proceeded to sleep together that evening. While I do not normally think this is the healthy makings of a new relationship, the next morning M continued to keep in contact with me and confessed that he had been waiting to figure out how to kiss me all weekend. I apologized for my part in whatever happened, as I was still confused and not ready to date because of my recent breakup but M persisted. He invited himself to my house after work the following evening - where we watched tv and it was innocent but pleasant. He then asked me out on a proper date and we continued to see each other consistently - several times a week at dinners, concerts, movies, etc. I introduced him to my friends, and generally included him in my social life.
There was a lot of traveling on my end, at the start of the relationship as I went to visit family out of state, and then had a trip out of the country with my friend, but we remained in contact. Early on in the relationship, M said that he felt "closer to me than he had felt in his 3 previous relationships" and I really felt my guard slowly come down with him. I felt emotionally connected to him and was happy but still guarded because of my previous relationship trauma. After approximately 2 months, we finally had a "talk" where I explained that I wanted to keep seeing M but that I could not promise to be his "girlfriend." I even said that he could see other people if he wished, but that I did not want to hear about it. He reassured me that he did not want to see anyone else, and so we became "exclusive" although neither of us ever used the terms "girlfriend" or "boyfriend." I see now, that I was afraid. [Perhaps I am an FA and do not know it?]
All in all, I was happy with the relationship aside from an incident several months in where I became perturbed because M would ask me to dinners and then suggest that we split the check. I do not have a problem splitting a check, but I found it to be distasteful when he would ask me out on these dates, or I would pay for the concert tickets and not ask to be reimbursed. I ended up growing resentful instead of voicing my distate openly and this eventually led to a breakdown in communication, where we did not speak for a week. At that point, I had blocked his phone number and told him and myself that I did not think we were right for each other. Of course, he ended up writing me a very long winded and heartfelt email explaining that he felt we had a palpable connection and he did not understand why I was shutting him out. Eventually, I came around and had to explain why I found an issue with him asking to split checks, another incident where he bought himself breakfast and coffee and then sat down and offered me nothing, and other similar behaviors to feel like mini-rejections. He apologized and blamed his behaviors on a lack of dating experience, and not knowing about conventional courtship rituals. We reconciled and continued our relationship, and I even helped M get a second job through a contact of mine, to ease some of his financial troubles as I believed this to be the reason he behaved this way. He began to pay for dinners, or we would take turns as I had initially intended.
I learned a little bit about his previous relationships, and learned that he and his previous girlfriend worked together. He was her manager at work, and they dated for 3 years, and as far as I understood- never lived together. The relationship ended because the girlfriend made a lot of passive aggressive comments about how he chose to spend his time. (I see now that M is a workaholic.) Prior to that relationship, he was involved with someone for a year that was engaged to someone else (avoidant dating someone that is unavailable to them?). As far as I know, M was continuing to sleep with his ex gf for some time after the relationship was over - according to my friend that worked w him, but eventually this arrangement ended. His home life, has remained a bit of a mystery to me- I know that his parents are still married and he is the youngest of three. Both older siblings have been through divorces.
Everything seemed to be chugging along fine. During this period, I consoled and supported M through the death of a relative. This relative had been in hospice care, and when he discussed his worsening health he was very removed and detached with me. When his father called to let him know that the relative had passed away, I recall that he answered the phone call almost robotically "alright. thank you for letting me know," then proceeded to sob into his pillow, so I would not see once he got off the phone. I thought this was strange, but since the exchange was between two men on the phone, I did not think anything of it. I left to visit my family for thanksgiving, and had given keys to M to my apt by this point. He repaired and renovated things around the apt for me while I was gone as a surprise, and was very affectionate and happy when I came back from my trip. In mid December, after not seeing eacho ther as often due to M now having two jobs, he asked to stay over my house and then if we could get breakfast in the morning. I was happy and agreed.
We were intimate, as was the case on nearly all the nights he came over and the following morning set off to get breakfast. When the check came, he asked if we could split the check and for some reason this behavior really triggered me and I had to avoid eye contact as I was afraid I'd burst into tears at the restaurant. Again, it was not about the cost of the breakfast, but because I felt like M was again disregarding my feelings. We parted ways after I accompanied him as he ran an errand, and eventually this caused our first large rift. He texted me later, and said he sensed that I was upset with him but he didn't want to assume things. I was cold and dismissive. I then told him I did not want to date any longer and he said that while it hurt and it was not what he wanted, it was "fine" because he was "stretched thin as it [was]" with his work commitments. I see now that, this was a manipulation on my part and I should have been honest with myself and him. In any case, I ended up regretting my actions and reaching out to reconcile after two weeks, apologizing for my behavior and exclaiming about how much I missed him. He stated that he missed me too, but that he needed time to think, that he could not add a serious relationship commitment to the fold at the moment, due to his fear of relationships (having helped both of his siblings through divorces) and that sometimes he felt insecure because he felt that I was harboring resentments towards him. He explained that he was working on all of these things in therapy, an and that he would "reach out when [he] was ready. At what time and in what capacity are still a mystery to [me]." After two weeks, I reached out to him by sending him a job posting and we started talking and reconciled.
After our reconcilation, it felt like our relationship was moving along and in a better place than ever. M was working two jobs many weeknights, but he still made an effort to see me at least once a week and he continued to text with me, wishing me a good morning, texting me throughout his day at work, and also checking in and saying good night just as he had done since we started hanging out at the concert. I'm not a huge fan of PDA but M made a point of always holding my hand in public, and often initiated cuddling and sex at home. I was fine with the relationship as it was. In March, I left for a trip out of town but continued to stay in contact with M. During my trip, M sent me a meme and I replied by saying something along the lines of "no that's not what i meant. Dum Dum." M reacted by saying that he was sick of me "always insulting his intelligence," when I was supposed to be "his rock." I was confused, as I only meant it as a pet name and tried to reassure him that of course I didn't think he was dumb? This was very strange behavior to me, and I asked him "when did I ever make you feel less than?" and he brought up an incident where he sent me a photo of a vintage t-shirt he liked and he said "cool right?" and I said "eh. its not my favorite." I was confused how such a benign comment could spiral into an entire incident. By this point, I began to feel attacked and said "what do you want from me? last time I checked i wasn't your girlfriend anyway." While I was fine with the noncommittal aspect of our relationship, I think I wanted some reassurance by this point that M wasn't going to go anywhere. He responded that "that was a separate conversation." and that he didnt know what he wanted, and it wasn't fair to keep me in the weeds, until he figured it out. I told him that I wished him the best, but that I could not stay in limbo with someone who was unsure how they felt about me. I stopped talking to him. When I flew back to NYC the next day, he was very apologetic and said "im sorry. i spent a large part of my life feeling nothing and now im trying to learn how to manage feeling everything" (i believe he may have hinted that he is the child of an alcoholic?) and that he wanted to continue to see me & spend time with me. I asked him if he knew how I felt about him bc he mentioned that he did not during out conversation and he said that he did, and that he had just been moody, but that he knew that I "cared about [him] a lot." Everything was fine- we went on a nice date and saw each other throughout the week. I left to go to Colombia for 2 weeks on a previously planned trip, and we remained in contact during my entire trip. Then we had another date when I returned and were intimate. M finally went on his much-needed and long overdue family vacation overseas for 2 weeks and continued to text me and send me photos from the trip.
The beginning of the end:
When he returned, and we were finally in the same city at the same time I was happy and excited he was back. I texted him and asked when he was free and he replied "I just need a night to sleep in my own bed. I'm exhausted." This was hurtful, and I replied and said that I was just wondering what his schedule was, and that I had not been inviting him over that evening anyhow. He sent me back the eyeroll emoji- as was our joke- when one of us said something out of line. I did not think anything of his moody behavior. The next day I made a point of meeting him as he was leaving work to go to the gym, and he was friendly and seemed happy to see me. I did say "I really missed you" when I gave him a hug and I remember that he laughed nervously - which bothered me- but I tried to play this off and said "did i just say that?" as a joke. Inside, I was fuming and immediately texted my friend that M did not seem all that interested in me..and not that excited to see me. I tried to distance myself from him, and did not text him first. But M continued to text me and ask what I was up to- albeit without making any concrete plans with me. So I chalked up my anxiety to me being "crazy and paranoid." The following day M and I had plans to go to the movies, and I texted him and said "you know Im missing a concert to go to the movies with you." My intention was to show him how much I valued spending time with him, but also a manipulation ?? Bc he responded by saying "if i were you I would go to the concert over the movies w me. we're just going to sit in a dark room for 90 mins and not speak to each other and we don't have plans to go to dinner or sleep over after." I was hurt - but again, said nothing. I was wearing a crazy bodysuit due to a cosmetic procedure I had done overseas- and the zipper could only be closed by another person. M insisted that I take an uber to his work and he would help me get ready for the concert.
When I arrived at his work, he introduced me to his new coworkers (my friend no longer works there) and was affectionate, and kissed me good bye. He asked me who I was going to the concert with and I said "just some guy. he has a press pass." I thought that he would be jealous or that this would illicit some sort of response in him-- but he didn't seem to be too bothered by it. I texted him and thanked him for helping me with the bodysuit and he sent me back an affectionate emoji and I said "I wish I was going to the concert with you" and he said "but he's your ticket in!" So, the following few days M continued to text me morning and evening. He even invited me to see a concert at the bar where he works- which I ended up going to.
During the concert, he was attentive and texted me to ask if I "needed something?" at the end of the evening he walked me out and I tried to kiss him goodbye- but he was stiff. I felt awkward and hurt again. I was confused by his behavior. He asked me to text him when I got home- I didn't. That weekend, I was working on projects and he texted me consistently to check in and apologized for us not properly getting together and that perhaps we could go to the movies and dinner some time in the coming week? I was hopeful again. But I still had an itch to scratch, and I don't know why I decided to ask- but I said "Are you over this/too busy? Because I'm having a hard time reading you."
M:"I'm having a hard time reading myself. Working on it in therapy.
But you know you can always talk to me about anything.""Well I'm asking you about this. I need an answer."
M:"That's a loaded question I wasn't prepared to answer right now."
"I need an answer."
M: "To be perfectly honest my head and my heart just aren't into it right now."
I felt like someone had taken a dagger and twisted it ino my heart. Although, we had never said the "L" word, i felt that M had cared for me deeply. It seemed like this wasn't the case any longer. I was angry and sad all at once, I said:
"Ok. thanks for letting me know."
M: "We can talk about it more later this week."
"No that's fine. No point in beating a dead horse."
I sat with these feelings for the duration of the day, and then sent him an angry e-mail where I asked him why he continued to make plans with me and text me nonstop if he no longer had feelings for me? I said that maybe he needed a new therapist, because his was clearly not working and if he felt anything for me at all- he wouldn't have strung me along like this. I heard nothing back.
I was still ruminating with these feelings, when I asked a mutual friend to text him so I could get some clarity. His responses to her only made me more confused. He told her that he invited me to the concert because he: liked me, cared about, and that was never the issue.That he wanted to see me & spend time with me. He said that "sometimes his life can get to a point where he starts to lose touch with himself and can feel like a rabbit running around a track." That he "can't commit to people..places..things..obligations." But that there were things beneath the surface with the relationship that were incredibly challenging to him? That my critique was valid, but that he had no time for vitriol in his life and he wasn't going to make a "laundry list of complaints and concerns and ideas for improvement bc he wasn't going to put himself back out there so I could call him a piece of shit again."
? This triggered me and I again ended up texting him and asking for an explanation, I accused him of gaslighting me, of leading me on and making me feel insane with his hot/cold behavior. He told me that he was very sorry that our relationship had devolved to this but that he had taken a great deal of time to think about the situation and we were both on different wavelengths. He said that I misread him and the situation, and he was sorry if I felt baited or manipulated. He wished he could take it all back, but that was beyond the realm of possibility. That he cared about me, despite what I thought. And that his door was always open to me should I need to talk.A few days later- I tried to text him to apologize for things I said that I felt were out of line. At that point, I realized I was blocked and so I e-mailed him my apology instead. While my apology was genuine, and I expressed just how much he meant to me- the e-mail response from him triggered me yet again. The e-mail sounded dismissive and condescending, as he said he "wished me well" and that he coudn't be a "punching bag" while I worked through what I needed to work through. That he found things I said to be "jarring" and that "time and distance were our greatest allies at the moment. But again, should I need his support if I was going through something I couldn’t handle on my own that he was there for me." What bothered me was that he said that he had taken a great deal of time to think this situation through in his head, and that he badgered and berated himself for not being able to provide me with more?? That his inability to reciprocate was leaving knots in his stomach ?? What bothered me was that if this were true, why had he continued to text me & invite me to the movies and dinner? How would he have ended things with me there? And that he hoped one day we could "reenter eachother's lives on a positive note."
I wrote him back and stated that while I was sorry for being unnecessarily rude, I didn't think "time or distance" would ever make me want to be friends with someone would ultimately won't acknowledge or take responsibility for what was essentially "mental abuse"<=yes, I was a little dramatic. And that was the last of our contact.
Approximately 10 days later- after still not being able to make sense of the situation and being blocked on everything- I made the ill fated decision to try and speak to M outside of his work. When he saw me, he was cold and robotic but agreed to sit with me for a few minutes and talk anyway. He had an awkward smile on his face- which I have never seen and when I asked him why he was smiling- to try and make light of the situation he snapped and said that he wasn't sitting down with me so I could pick him apart?
I asked him for "another chance" and he said that he couldn't. He said that he had no romantic feelings for me, and that I wouldn't get a "get out of jail card for my e-mails." I tried to explain to him that I was hurt and lashing out, and that surely he knew me by now? He said that "he didn't know who I was" and when I asked him why he said that he wanted to "see me and spend time with me" or that he "cared about me" he said that was in the "gray area." And he meant as a friend??? The interaction left me more confused and heartbroken. I asked him if he wanted to date someone else and he said "No. I have no romantic feelings for anyone. Im working on it in therapy to figure out why and maybe the spark will come back." I tried to ask him what the "issues beneath the surface with our relationship" were? but he refused to answer.
I'm embarrassed to say I begged and pleaded with him and he brushed me aside, and said that I wasn't listening to him, that he needed space. He started to literally RUN away from me and I followed him asking him to please continue speaking to me, and to please stop running. He ran from me for 5 city blocks and i called after him "are you ever going to talk to me?" and he yelled back "if you don't give me space I'll never talk to you again!"
I'm still hurt & confused. Truly at a loss. It doesn't make sense how a 33 year old man could run away from me and how this entire situation has devolved into something I imagine would happen between two children in middle school. I'm heartbroken.
Now:
We have remained NC this entire time- to the best of my knowledge I have been blocked on WhatsApp, text message, and he deleted his IG immediately following the implosion of our relationship. He has only brought it back 2 weeks ago - but it is private.
I did end up going to see a concert at his place of work last week, as I was still unsure if he worked there- we no longer have any mutual friends as my friend has distanced himself from him, and we do not have any other overlapping friends. He did not speak to me and I avoided him and did not make eye contact, but after being there for nearly 5 hours and ordering a beverage from the bartender- he appeared almost as if out of thin air- with a big smile and said "need anything?" I was startled and not prepared to see him or speak to him so I just said: No! ... I'm good. And he disappeared.
I don't want to read too much into this interaction, but it was obvious he was trying to speak to me as he was no where near me and he is the barback and does not need to interact with customers.
I have gone back to the bar since, coincidentally because my neighbor's band played a show and he and I made no eye contact. I went with a male friend (as I did not want to go alone) and he seemed to be tense and did not speak to anyone and stormed past me several times. I don't know if he assumed I was on a date or what? I want to add that this is the bar where I got him the job and a place I have been going far before he worked there-so I am not going there to exclusively see him.
All thoughts about whether he sounds like a DA/FA/Just Not Into Me are appreciated as there are too many behaviors and things that do not add up. And finally... I am doing much better and taking responsibility for my part in the dissolution of the relationship, but does it sound like there's any hope of a reconciliation? Did I blow it by not speaking to him at the bar? I know my therapist says I should not reach out to him-- but I'm torn. Although truth be told, I don't know if I can handle another rejection from him right now as I'm only starting to feel better at 3 months out.
