Post by rosamunde on Feb 21, 2017 7:30:46 GMT
Hi all.
I am just emerging from a tumultuous "relationship" with someone who was avoidant. We knew each other for about three months and we were pretty much text book in terms of the love addict-love avoidant dynamic.
From my very first boyfriend until now, almost all my relationships have ranged from unsuitable to abusive. An awful traumatic ending to a marriage landed me with ptsd and made me go into therapy about four years ago; and I have gained much clarity now about why I am a love addict and so vulnerable. I really had no idea before and the extent of the emotional neglect and abandonment I experienced as a kid and teenager, in addition to molestation, still shocks me. i had few tools to look after myself and I ended up trying to seek safety in men - behaviour that led to much trouble and accumulation of traumas.
Anyway; this last encounter pushed me to breaking point and in my desperation I somehow managed to pull the handbreak on myself.
I was obsessive and infatuated and suffering hugely from feelings of shame, anger, grief and guilt etc as this guy ran for the hills, only to return whenever I felt I was turning a corner and about it let go.
He was clearly emotionally and sexually abusive but somehow I couldn't take this in, even though rationally I knew it was happening. Also, I felt immense guilt and that I "made" him do it. I reached a turning point last week when he said he wanted to hurt me. It made me able to accept this relationship was toxic and trying to figure out who was mostly at fault was keeping me stuck. I was feeling suicidal and as a single parent to a beautiful boy, I knew all this had to stop immediately. After another few days of extremelty distressing exchanges, we managed to go no contact.
But reading about love avoidants and from what I know about his childhood, I feel so guilty. I can see I totally smothered him, I frightened him. He scared me too, and he was mean and degrading. I am much less obsessed with him and I long kissed goodbye my feelings of "love" for him because I knew they were just part of my pattern. Amazing how quickly it fades as you let go and what a relief it is.
But I still fall back into anger, shame and worst of all, it seems, guilt.
I identified hugely with him because both had tough childhoods and I felt a completely ridiculous amount of empathy for him that was disproportionate and made me accept behaviour from him I shouldn't have.
But I also feel I abused him: I was so volatile and manipulative in my frantic efforts to keep him around; begging, berating him, lecturing, seducing, and so on.
And I feel so bad about this because I feel inside he is a vulnerable person who wants love and intimacy but can't get it; just like me.
I feel like a monster and when I am low I see my own behaviour as far worse than his. This has made me apologise to him more times than I can remember. He always did the usual of ignoring everything for days and then suddenly appearing and wanting sex.
I know guilt is not that useful a feeling and I have, fingers crossed, managed to break the cycle of writing to him when I am overwhelmed by remorse and/or other emotions. But I still feel responsible, evil.
Does anyone feel the same? Thanks much
R
I am just emerging from a tumultuous "relationship" with someone who was avoidant. We knew each other for about three months and we were pretty much text book in terms of the love addict-love avoidant dynamic.
From my very first boyfriend until now, almost all my relationships have ranged from unsuitable to abusive. An awful traumatic ending to a marriage landed me with ptsd and made me go into therapy about four years ago; and I have gained much clarity now about why I am a love addict and so vulnerable. I really had no idea before and the extent of the emotional neglect and abandonment I experienced as a kid and teenager, in addition to molestation, still shocks me. i had few tools to look after myself and I ended up trying to seek safety in men - behaviour that led to much trouble and accumulation of traumas.
Anyway; this last encounter pushed me to breaking point and in my desperation I somehow managed to pull the handbreak on myself.
I was obsessive and infatuated and suffering hugely from feelings of shame, anger, grief and guilt etc as this guy ran for the hills, only to return whenever I felt I was turning a corner and about it let go.
He was clearly emotionally and sexually abusive but somehow I couldn't take this in, even though rationally I knew it was happening. Also, I felt immense guilt and that I "made" him do it. I reached a turning point last week when he said he wanted to hurt me. It made me able to accept this relationship was toxic and trying to figure out who was mostly at fault was keeping me stuck. I was feeling suicidal and as a single parent to a beautiful boy, I knew all this had to stop immediately. After another few days of extremelty distressing exchanges, we managed to go no contact.
But reading about love avoidants and from what I know about his childhood, I feel so guilty. I can see I totally smothered him, I frightened him. He scared me too, and he was mean and degrading. I am much less obsessed with him and I long kissed goodbye my feelings of "love" for him because I knew they were just part of my pattern. Amazing how quickly it fades as you let go and what a relief it is.
But I still fall back into anger, shame and worst of all, it seems, guilt.
I identified hugely with him because both had tough childhoods and I felt a completely ridiculous amount of empathy for him that was disproportionate and made me accept behaviour from him I shouldn't have.
But I also feel I abused him: I was so volatile and manipulative in my frantic efforts to keep him around; begging, berating him, lecturing, seducing, and so on.
And I feel so bad about this because I feel inside he is a vulnerable person who wants love and intimacy but can't get it; just like me.
I feel like a monster and when I am low I see my own behaviour as far worse than his. This has made me apologise to him more times than I can remember. He always did the usual of ignoring everything for days and then suddenly appearing and wanting sex.
I know guilt is not that useful a feeling and I have, fingers crossed, managed to break the cycle of writing to him when I am overwhelmed by remorse and/or other emotions. But I still feel responsible, evil.
Does anyone feel the same? Thanks much
R
