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Post by brokenbiscuit on Aug 5, 2018 14:47:18 GMT
The internet (and Freud) says
"Most adults have an uncanny attraction, a kind of unconscious "radar," for members of the opposite sex (or, in some cases, same sex) who, in ways often initially imperceptible, resemble--psychologically if not physically--the parent with whom we had difficulties. And these are the people we tend to "fall in love" with or with whom we get involved. We choose them unconsciously, of course.
That is the nature of a neurosis. It's a "blind spot." Who would consciously choose---and often remain--with a partner who is rejecting, unavailable, or emotionally/physically abusive? That would be pure masochism. But it is not mere masochism in this case. It is a powerful repetition compulsion at play."
Ring any bells anyone? Do you keep repeating the same style of partner over and over and over again, completely unconsciously repeating yourself?
I think this is a very important habit to break, but certainly not an easy one
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Post by brokenbiscuit on Aug 5, 2018 15:19:04 GMT
Thanks Anne! It's crazy stuff isn't it
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Post by brokenbiscuit on Aug 5, 2018 15:46:06 GMT
So basically we are doomed aren't we
The only way we can escape these habits is to go against our subconscious mind
And that's hard. Who wants to date someone they don't have a spark with?
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Post by brokenbiscuit on Aug 5, 2018 16:24:57 GMT
Yeah, my therapist is a childhood trauma and attachment specialist. She tuts at me when I tell her I still want to save "damaged vulnerable" women. Drama triangles and all that
The thing is there are very few (I think) secure types in the dating pool at my age as I almost hit 40.
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Post by brokenbiscuit on Aug 5, 2018 16:36:34 GMT
Aren't you more secure Anne? Fancy a pint? I'm mentally stable, honest!
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 5, 2018 16:42:31 GMT
None of my partners have been secure...one may actually have been a bit AP.....I tend to fall for "lost little boys inside very rebellious men"....the first time attachment theory even came up...it was my long term therapist who was trying to help me to understand and extract myself from the grips of a malignant Narcissist. Honestly....I don't see a real thread of connection except that something in me was attracted to a perceived lost little boy inside each one of them...and it can happen without knowing anything about them. I literally obsessed over one guy for 3 years...we never dated and I only was able to let that fully go when he got married.....not even a year later...B entered the picture and at first I was able to just be friends but then....in an instance, I was all about him.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 5, 2018 16:44:55 GMT
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Post by notalone on Aug 5, 2018 16:45:12 GMT
Here’s a question...
I’ve read that AD people are drawn to AP people. The way I see it, that doesn’t reenact childhood, it counters it, since DA were typically neglected, and AP partners are clingy. So it seems to me that while AP’s seek partners that recreate the inconsistent nurturing they received from their parents, DA’s look for the opposite, someone who will not neglect or leave them. I’ve also read this reenforces the DA belief that they are strong and independent and others are clingy and want too much from them. And also that this helps the DA maintain control, since they know the AP won’t leave them, this allows them to avoid painful abandonment. So it seems to me AP look to recreate their choldhood dynamics, and AD do the opposite. Thoughts?
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Post by brokenbiscuit on Aug 5, 2018 16:53:05 GMT
None of my partners have been secure...one may actually have been a bit AP.....I tend to fall for "lost little boys inside very rebellious men"....the first time attachment theory even came up...it was my long term therapist who was trying to help me to understand and extract myself from the grips of a malignant Narcissist. Honestly....I don't see a real thread of connection except that something in me was attracted to a perceived lost little boy inside each one of them...and it can happen without knowing anything about them. I literally obsessed over one guy for 3 years...we never dated and I only was able to let that fully go when he got married.....not even a year later...B entered the picture and at first I was able to just be friends but then....in an instance, I was all about him. It sounds like a revolving conveyor belt of similar types! I know you still have the B thing going on, but surely for your next relationship you will try to break this cycle? I hope you can! For me, I've had a mixed bag. My ten year marriage was to an avoidant type. So a FA and a DA thing going on. We ended up being more like best mate housemates for a long time. Her lack of intimacy really frustrated me though, which meant as soon as the divorce went through I went straight for the lovey emotional APs and I havent looked back. They are now "my type" and I don't know if I can ever date anyone again who is not one. Love you guys even though we are terrible for each other, gah |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 5, 2018 17:03:21 GMT
None of my partners have been secure...one may actually have been a bit AP.....I tend to fall for "lost little boys inside very rebellious men"....the first time attachment theory even came up...it was my long term therapist who was trying to help me to understand and extract myself from the grips of a malignant Narcissist. Honestly....I don't see a real thread of connection except that something in me was attracted to a perceived lost little boy inside each one of them...and it can happen without knowing anything about them. I literally obsessed over one guy for 3 years...we never dated and I only was able to let that fully go when he got married.....not even a year later...B entered the picture and at first I was able to just be friends but then....in an instance, I was all about him. It sounds like a revolving conveyor belt of similar types! I know you still have the B thing going on, but surely for your next relationship you will try to break this cycle? I hope you can! For me, I've had a mixed bag. My ten year marriage was to an avoidant type. So a FA and a DA thing going on. We ended up being more like best mate housemates for a long time. Her lack of intimacy really frustrated me though, which meant as soon as the divorce went through I went straight for the lovey emotional APs and I havent looked back. They are now "my type" and I don't know if I can ever date anyone again who is not one. Love you guys even though we are terrible for each other, gah Honestly...I am not counting on or even wishing for a next relationship....this is not doom and gloom...but more practicality. As APs....we tend to look for the answer to our longing and yearning in our partner.....I want to turn the focus back to myself.....to know that I don't need a partner and can be ok on my own. I have been self sufficient for many years...but emotionally I am very dependent. The best relationships as I see them are ones where 2 people are able to choose each other not out of some desperate need to address wounds from the past but because they accept themselves fully and expect the other person to be able to do the same. It is trust on both sides that we have each other's back and with that trust, we acknowledge and affirm each other's need for autonomy and intimacy. I am slowly working on my self awareness and will continue to strive to be fully accepting of who I am. |
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Post by brokenbiscuit on Aug 5, 2018 17:09:06 GMT
What about the mother of your child? Was she also AP? Didn't see this question. She was very avoidant but we had a kind of mutual thing going on where we worked well as a team/friends but not really as lovers. My ex wife was adopted from a very young age and brought to the UK from abroad. God knows if she had any soothing or love when she was a baby, as we know zero about her life before the age of 2, but it's obviously affected her psychologically in a massive way. She displays all the hallmarks of someone with hardcore avoidant traits. Not a bad person at all, she's lovely in character and a great mother, but she doesn't like to get close to people. Not anyone. Maybe that's why we bonded! Even cuddling was something she shyed away from. The fact we managed to have a baby at all was some sort of miracle 😁. So yeah, since my divorce I've gone for the opposite of my ex wife which has probably been more troublesome but a lot more fun as well. Off the merry go round and on to the rollercoaster. I dated someone recently who told me she "keeps pushing away people she really likes". Ding ding! That's an avoidant catchphrase if I ever heard one. Even though I feel little sexual chemistry with her, and her me, we have bonded as friends and that's what we now look like becoming and its great . We like each other a lot and don't impose ourselves on each others lives. For me personally, I think DA types generally make good mates as their lifestyles chime with mine, and I love their sense of independence and willingness to sort their own shit out. APs generally just fawn over me when it comes to dating which is wonderful for my fragile ego which thus drives my lust for them and starts a passion cycle . Not sure about secures. Secures are probably at home drinking cups of tea and staying well away from the likes of me and my life of reckless abandon |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 5, 2018 17:31:23 GMT
Yep...APs can make great cheerleaders to their partner....because we tend to be all about our partner.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2018 20:25:29 GMT
i had a clear awakening several years ago, when i was with an abusive partner-
i was really severely astounded that i found myself there again- this pattern, i had done SO MUCH over SO MANY YEARS to try to peel back the layers of my psyche and develop healthy relationships.
I wracked my brain. How did i miss it? How in the heck did this happen? I'm not a stupid woman, nor am i a doormat, i had used every internal resource i had available to not enter a dangerous relationship.
I could not find the key. i was hopeless. I needed to understand and be free, be safe. Be happy. Stay alive.
One day, he came at me running his mouth, a precursor to hours long circular rage, culminating sometimes in violence as i tried to block it out, leave, go inside myself to cope. I was trapped.
Suddenly i recognized that everything he was saying, accusing me of, assuming, insinuating, bitching about, claiming as fact about me, every word and tactic came straight from my mother's mouth!!! I saw it. I recognized i had married the male version of my mother.
Him, and the man before him. Same, Same, Same.
That was the turning point.
I left him, cut my mother off, and went deep into healing my inner child.
stayed out of relationship for i don't know, 3 years or so.
my recent relationship (which was/is my first real love relationship that fostered trust, intimacy, and true friendship, was unlike all previous previous entanglements. no resemblance although at first , and for quite a while i had to confront a lot of fear and conditioning to be able to see myself and him clearly.
I continue to grow in warmth and appreciation for all that happened inside of me and between us, though we are not in a romantic relationship now. i count the relationship a blessing, not a painful lesson.
The difference between a love bond and a trauma bond is huge, it goes without saying.
We aren't all doomed. If i can come through what i did to break free from all that i truly believe anyone can.
it's just a long process of daily practicing new ways of reaching into yourself, and new ways of reaching out to others. It's a complex, rewarding, difficult, worthy endeavor to find out and express who you really are , divorced from the messaging, the imprints, the brokenness.
but healing really is real and possible.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2018 21:03:03 GMT
So, juniper, why do you assume all APs are like your mother (this being in the AP section)?
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guest
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Post by guest on Aug 5, 2018 21:34:43 GMT
So, juniper, why do you assume all APs are like your mother (this being in the AP section)? I see her making a connection between her ex partners and her mother, I don't see her making the generalization you're accusing her of. |
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