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Post by tnr9 on Aug 7, 2018 12:45:47 GMT
Ambivalently attached people have had caregivers who were on again off again, inconsistently tending and attuning to the child. Because of the lack of consistency the child doubts whether their needs will be met and is on the constant look out for cues and clues to how their behavior may or may not influence the parent’s responses. Over time they find themselves on an emotional see saw of needs being met and not being met. Their object relation is “I can want, but cannot have.”
You may observe that in ambivalent attachment styles there is a tendency to be chronically dissatisfied. First, there is a tendency to project their own familial history onto their relationship. Secondly if the other person becomes available, they become unavailable! Unaccustomed to receiving love, having it available doesn’t fit their profile of “still wanting”. Over time partners of Ambivalent people can be discouraged by their love being dismissed and the loss of the relationship can be the both the feared and created outcome.
The above was included with the results of my test and although I may have read this before...the part about looking for cues and clues about how my behavior may or may not influence my mom's was really impactful. I never fully understood why social media was so disasterous for me while others can use it effectively in a relationship and I think, in part, I was using likes and my placement on his friend list as part of my cues and clues to figure out whether he still liked me. I literally could not stop the checking that supposedly was to relieve my anxiety and the internal dialogue that simply raised it again. Same thing with text messages. And ohhhhhhh...I do not like owning this.....but I would have a slant of never enough to my internal dialogue....it was like being at a well...thirsty for water, getting some but then...not trusting it was in fact water and also not believing there would be water the next day. Ugh....not how I want to be at all...but I have to be real. Gratitude is the key...tons and tons of gratitude to see that things are not as bad as the voices say...to spend a moment appreciating what I did get versus looking for lack.
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Post by mrob on Aug 7, 2018 18:05:31 GMT
Have you considered Al-Anon?
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joan
Full Member
Posts: 100
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Post by joan on Aug 8, 2018 4:37:17 GMT
Ambivalently attached people have had caregivers who were on again off again, inconsistently tending and attuning to the child. Because of the lack of consistency the child doubts whether their needs will be met and is on the constant look out for cues and clues to how their behavior may or may not influence the parent’s responses. Over time they find themselves on an emotional see saw of needs being met and not being met. Their object relation is “I can want, but cannot have.” You may observe that in ambivalent attachment styles there is a tendency to be chronically dissatisfied. First, there is a tendency to project their own familial history onto their relationship. Secondly if the other person becomes available, they become unavailable! Unaccustomed to receiving love, having it available doesn’t fit their profile of “still wanting”. Over time partners of Ambivalent people can be discouraged by their love being dismissed and the loss of the relationship can be the both the feared and created outcome. The above was included with the results of my test and although I may have read this before...the part about looking for cues and clues about how my behavior may or may not influence my mom's was really impactful. I never fully understood why social media was so disasterous for me while others can use it effectively in a relationship and I think, in part, I was using likes and my placement on his friend list as part of my cues and clues to figure out whether he still liked me. I literally could not stop the checking that supposedly was to relieve my anxiety and the internal dialogue that simply raised it again. Same thing with text messages. And ohhhhhhh...I do not like owning this.....but I would have a slant of never enough to my internal dialogue....it was like being at a well...thirsty for water, getting some but then...not trusting it was in fact water and also not believing there would be water the next day. Ugh....not how I want to be at all...but I have to be real. Gratitude is the key...tons and tons of gratitude to see that things are not as bad as the voices say...to spend a moment appreciating what I did get versus looking for lack. tnr9 - Once again you've taken the words out of my mouth and the thoughts out of my head. I can completely identify with being chronically dissatisfied. When a certain level of what is supposed to be peace, security and clarity is reached in my relationships, there will be some negative feeling lurking around the corner. He isn't texting as much....anxiety and obsessing over him. He's texting a lot....annoyance and a little bit disinterested. I also can't do social media for the same reasons you wrote. I don't need another trigger or thing to obsess over so I stay off it. I don't even have the guy I'm seeing as a friend. I don't want to read in between every line on there since I already do enough of that in real life. |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 11, 2018 17:35:46 GMT
Ambivalently attached people have had caregivers who were on again off again, inconsistently tending and attuning to the child. Because of the lack of consistency the child doubts whether their needs will be met and is on the constant look out for cues and clues to how their behavior may or may not influence the parent’s responses. Over time they find themselves on an emotional see saw of needs being met and not being met. Their object relation is “I can want, but cannot have.” You may observe that in ambivalent attachment styles there is a tendency to be chronically dissatisfied. First, there is a tendency to project their own familial history onto their relationship. Secondly if the other person becomes available, they become unavailable! Unaccustomed to receiving love, having it available doesn’t fit their profile of “still wanting”. Over time partners of Ambivalent people can be discouraged by their love being dismissed and the loss of the relationship can be the both the feared and created outcome. The above was included with the results of my test and although I may have read this before...the part about looking for cues and clues about how my behavior may or may not influence my mom's was really impactful. I never fully understood why social media was so disasterous for me while others can use it effectively in a relationship and I think, in part, I was using likes and my placement on his friend list as part of my cues and clues to figure out whether he still liked me. I literally could not stop the checking that supposedly was to relieve my anxiety and the internal dialogue that simply raised it again. Same thing with text messages. And ohhhhhhh...I do not like owning this.....but I would have a slant of never enough to my internal dialogue....it was like being at a well...thirsty for water, getting some but then...not trusting it was in fact water and also not believing there would be water the next day. Ugh....not how I want to be at all...but I have to be real. Gratitude is the key...tons and tons of gratitude to see that things are not as bad as the voices say...to spend a moment appreciating what I did get versus looking for lack. tnr9 - Once again you've taken the words out of my mouth and the thoughts out of my head. I can completely identify with being chronically dissatisfied. When a certain level of what is supposed to be peace, security and clarity is reached in my relationships, there will be some negative feeling lurking around the corner. He isn't texting as much....anxiety and obsessing over him. He's texting a lot....annoyance and a little bit disinterested. I also can't do social media for the same reasons you wrote. I don't need another trigger or thing to obsess over so I stay off it. I don't even have the guy I'm seeing as a friend. I don't want to read in between every line on there since I already do enough of that in real life. Joan...I want to thank you for your vulnerability and sharing your fears about your ex husband cheating and I will admit..I had the exact same fears with B...not that he was cheating...but that he was finding other girls more desirable. I could not rest in the notion that he was dating me....I was always looking for signs of disinterest and finding them. There were days where all I could think about was that B was texting other girls...not in a friend way...but in an interest way...it was extremely disrespectful to him and I am glad I had the sense to know that it was my issue and not his...but I could do nothing about it....it was ever present and ever looming.😕 It makes me sad now to realize that I viewed myself so poorly and assumed that I was so easy to leave. |
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Post by notalone on Aug 11, 2018 19:27:33 GMT
Ambivalently attached people have had caregivers who were on again off again, inconsistently tending and attuning to the child. Because of the lack of consistency the child doubts whether their needs will be met and is on the constant look out for cues and clues to how their behavior may or may not influence the parent’s responses. Over time they find themselves on an emotional see saw of needs being met and not being met. Their object relation is “I can want, but cannot have.” You may observe that in ambivalent attachment styles there is a tendency to be chronically dissatisfied. First, there is a tendency to project their own familial history onto their relationship. Secondly if the other person becomes available, they become unavailable! Unaccustomed to receiving love, having it available doesn’t fit their profile of “still wanting”. Over time partners of Ambivalent people can be discouraged by their love being dismissed and the loss of the relationship can be the both the feared and created outcome. The above was included with the results of my test and although I may have read this before...the part about looking for cues and clues about how my behavior may or may not influence my mom's was really impactful. I never fully understood why social media was so disasterous for me while others can use it effectively in a relationship and I think, in part, I was using likes and my placement on his friend list as part of my cues and clues to figure out whether he still liked me. I literally could not stop the checking that supposedly was to relieve my anxiety and the internal dialogue that simply raised it again. Same thing with text messages. And ohhhhhhh...I do not like owning this.....but I would have a slant of never enough to my internal dialogue....it was like being at a well...thirsty for water, getting some but then...not trusting it was in fact water and also not believing there would be water the next day. Ugh....not how I want to be at all...but I have to be real. Gratitude is the key...tons and tons of gratitude to see that things are not as bad as the voices say...to spend a moment appreciating what I did get versus looking for lack. Wow i relate to this so much. Especially the part about water. Not trusting it, or believing it would be there the next day. 👌 |
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