jess92
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Post by jess92 on Aug 12, 2018 16:53:42 GMT
This is my first post to this forum, but I am so glad I found it! I've been doing a substantial amount of googling over the last two weeks since my boyfriend split up with me (seemingly out of the blue) and desperately trying to make sense of it all. I'll apologise in advance for the length, but any advice would be greatly appreciated.
The background:
My (ex) boyfriend and I met a little under a year ago at a wedding - he's been best friends with my cousin for 15 years and the two of us caught each others eye immediately. Although we lived 80 miles apart, we quickly got to know one another over the phone and messaging incessantly, and after 2 weeks, we started spending every weekend together. It might sound cliche, but it seemed there was a very strong connection between us, and as we got to know each other more, it only seemed to get better and genuinely felt 'different' to previous relationships.
After around three months, we told each other we loved one another and over the next few months talked about the future, as we knew having a relationship where it took between 1.5 -3 hours to travel to one another wouldn't be sustainable forever and we decided that when the tenancy on my current flat was up, I would move in with him.
Trouble hit:
Around three months before I was planning on moving, we discussed the possibility of me moving in sooner as my landlord was selling my flat and it was at this point that B started to become distant. When I questioned it, he readily admitted he was fearful and thought he had commitment issues due to the way his previous relationships had turned out, nevertheless we moved past it and agreed to continue with the original plan of moving in together in June. However the distance and withdrawal persisted and in April of this year I discovered he'd been messaging a girl that he worked with inappropriately for around a week. It was at this time that he told me he felt his head was 'messed up' and he'd been contemplating suicide.
Recent Months:
I decided that despite the betrayal in terms of the texting, what we had was too good to throw away and stayed with him, suggesting that he seek professional help for possible depression. He promised he wouldn't hurt me in such a way again. I also offered to move into a house near to him, but on my own to allow him the space he may need, but he rebutted this and asked me to continue moving in with him. We attended one counselling session together, however things seemed to improve drastically on their own - all I asked of him was that he opened up to me and let me in, something he said he might struggle with. In honesty, and something that I now realise was very wrong of me to do, I've pushed this and asked him multiple times for him to let his walls down and speak to me about why he sometimes feels down, what his fears are etc.
In essence, I think I've been the driving force in making him retreat further and it's been a vicious circle as although we'd had a really positive time since April, moving in together seemed to go very well, we've been away several times, he even suggested we buy a house together (something we were in the process of doing); I've continued to bring up communication.
Breakup:
We attended another wedding recently, and within two weeks, he'd been telling me that he felt a bit weird because he didn't feel as connected to me as the bride and groom looked, and he got scared when others suggested to him that we would be next. Of course, my response was that we would feel connected if we opened up with one another. We had lengthy discussions and he ended up telling me although he loved me, he no longer feels in love with me and ultimately broke up with me. He say's he isn't what I want and can't make me happy because he can't open up, and that I'll soon realise he isn't worth it. Lo and behold, he has also been texting (another) girl from his work, since the day before he broke up with me.
Since reading about attachment types, I can't help but feel that he's struggling so much and has pushed me away because he is an FA. I realise I will have exasperated this by pushing at him to let his walls down, and I've since apologised to him for this, but it's not enough and he's saying that he actually feels nothing for me and we are broken up for good, he won't be changing his mind. He's acting like we haven't even had the relationship we've had for the last year, as if I never mattered and he's so cold towards me. He won't hug me, won't sleep in the bed even when I'm not here, because it smells of me. He's now staying away from the house.
I guess I just want some advice as to what I can do to show him that I don't want to give up on him (more than I've already said) without scaring him off even more. The plan is, that I will move out of the shared house, but I have to stay in the area for work. Is there a chance we could rekindle in the future? I genuinely believe everything that has gone 'wrong' in the relationship is simply due to his attachment type and the pressure we have perhaps both put on the relationship. The slip ups and problems we've had have only arisen at the point of us taking 'next steps' in the relationship and other than that, it was nothing short of brilliant.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 12, 2018 17:31:27 GMT
It was at this time that he told me he felt his head was 'messed up' and he'd been contemplating suicide. Hi, welcome to the board. I'm very sorry this happened, and being told about a sudden and blind siding loss of feelings is basically the worst. I've been there and don't wish it on anyone. It sounds like some of this is attachment-related, yes... but not all of it. What you said above -- that is VERY serious. That is a cry for help from someone who has NOTHING to give to you at this time, and who has much deeper issues. It didn't sound like he's given it enough attention through intensive professional help. Was he getting independent counseling or did you two go once together and that was it? This isn't your fault. He's told you these issues well pre-date you. Yes, pushing him to open up didn't help, but that's because you're asking for what you need (which isn't unreasonable) at a time he needs to focus on himself and has nothing to support you with. That makes him feel worse about himself, because he can't meet your needs and make you happy right now. Add to that his commitment issues and that he's likely completely disconnected from himself (wouldn't you be too if you were so overwhelmed with pain you had no tools to cope with that you were contemplating suicide?), and of course his feelings for you have been numbed out. You unfortunately can't solve this for him. He has to recognize how bad his problems have gotten and seek help or he won't get better. In my completely unprofessional opinion, you can move out but be nearby, tell him you accept the breakup, you'll be okay, and you don't need anything from him -- but you are always there if he ever needs someone to talk to or needs help/support in taking action to get better, no questions asked. You've already told him how serious you think his problems are, so I doubt you can get through to him any further there. But you may want to tell your cousin how serious his condition is, as long as it's from a place of support and not trying to "improve" his mental state to win him back. This man certainly needs all the friends he can get. This isn't your burden and will drain you if he's not ready to accept help. I know you love him, but you have to prioritize yourself, too. I think the best thing you can do for yourself after you move out is talk to a therapist about the best ways to be supportive in a situation like this while letting go of the relationship for now. You don't know what the future holds, but this man has nothing he can give you right now because he needs his resources for himself. Love him best you can, but don't shove all your needs aside for him. Shift the focus back to yourself, and hopefully he'll notice your strength in self-care and your respectful, healthy support from a distance, and he'll re-think getting real help. |
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jess92
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Post by jess92 on Aug 12, 2018 17:46:28 GMT
Hi Alexandra,
Thank you so much for reading my post and responding. Your words are extremely supportive and helpful. I'm also sorry to hear that you too have experienced such a sudden break-up. It really is awful - without sounding 'over dramatic', it almost feels like you're mourning someone that isn't there anymore.
It was extremely scary to hear the thoughts that he had been having, and that he'd hid them so well in the time preceeding our discussion. He had actually approached my cousin about it prior to speaking with me, and I also asked him if he would speak with his sister as the two of them are very close. He's told me he feels more comfortable speaking with the two of them than me, which is understandable given the fact that their love for him is unconditional. He wouldn't and still won't seek professional help on his own though, which is perhaps the saddest thing as I know that's what he needs to heal himself. He's afraid of talking to a stranger, and he feels that medication would just 'numb' the issues rather than resolve, which seems ironic given how numb he seems to be right now.
I do hope that he'll see that I do still love him and care for him, and even though he feels that his feelings are no longer there, he hasn't and won't drive me away completely. I'll offer him the support I can from the sidelines. I'll still remain in contact with my cousin and our mutual friends, so I'm sure I'll be able to see how he's getting on and like you say, see what the future holds.
Although I know that no-one can be forced into dealing with their internal battles, I do fear that to mask how he is feeling right now he will just seek out another relationship with someone else. But you are completely right, I do need to concentrate on myself. I think the hardest part is seeing someone that you love go through this and knowing that the person has been replaced by their anxieties and fears and 'the black dog'and you're helpless.
Thank you again for your advice!
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 12, 2018 18:13:47 GMT
Jess..welcome....There are a couple of men on the forum who have tested as FA and are extremely helpful in deciphering the language of "I love you but I am not in love with you" and " you deserve better". I will say that the best thing you can do right now is focus on you and not on him because I am sure he knows you care and love him...which is probably why he said those things. I would suggest you leave the door open for communication, but that you move forward as best you can...texting with other girls in a flirty manner (as in seeming to have interest in them) is a flaming red flag to me. You deserve someone who is not interested in treating your relationship as serious, but then casual....catering to him is not going to make the situation better in my book.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2018 23:41:56 GMT
Here is a link for an attachment style test. www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.plUnfortunately, you probably won't be able to convince him to take it but since you are half of the now defunct relationship, it would be advisable for you to determine your own attachment style. This way, you can better understand (objectively) what you bring to the dynamic, should he ever wish to rekindle things with you. It's hard for me to fathom that you would test as secure, as you have chosen to remain available and are looking for a way to express your undying devotion to a man who has said he has no feelings for you and has been involved with other women (plural) in the timeline of this post. However, if you are secure in your attachment style, this entire situation will prove much easier to recover from. If your style is Anxious Preoccupied, or another insecure attachment style you will have an opportunity in his absence to work on the things that only you can control in order to become healthier as a partner. you also might eventually develop an aspiration to devote yourself to a partner who likewise is devoting themselves to you. I am sorry i cannot offer any encouragement to you about your hope to reconcile this relationship, and to be quite truthful my main concern here would be that he find hope for his own life. Welcome to the boards, and i wish you the best. |
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jess92
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Posts: 50
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Post by jess92 on Aug 13, 2018 11:33:21 GMT
Jess..welcome....There are a couple of men on the forum who have tested as FA and are extremely helpful in deciphering the language of "I love you but I am not in love with you" and " you deserve better". I will say that the best thing you can do right now is focus on you and not on him because I am sure he knows you care and love him...which is probably why he said those things. I would suggest you leave the door open for communication, but that you move forward as best you can...texting with other girls in a flirty manner (as in seeming to have interest in them) is a flaming red flag to me. You deserve someone who is not interested in treating your relationship as serious, but then casual....catering to him is not going to make the situation better in my book. Hi tnr9, thank you very much for your reply. I was hoping to perhaps get an insight from the perspective of someone that had tested as FA, if not to provide advice on how best to handle the current situation, just to provide even a small bit of validity to what I believe the driving force of the break-up may have been. You're absolutely right in terms of the red flags, and in my previous experiences of cheating, I haven't stood for it. I suppose I feel that I'm giving the 'benefit of the doubt' in this situation because it seems that the cheating may be related to perhaps a combination of his attachment style and depression. I've read articles/forums/books that suggest such actions can be a type of 'escape' or 'self sabotage' when someone feels they are getting too close to something that is good. But thank you again for your advice, I certainly intend on concentrating on supporting myself first and foremost, and offering him the option of communication or support if and when he decides he is ready to help himself. |
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jess92
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Posts: 50
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Post by jess92 on Aug 13, 2018 11:45:24 GMT
Here is a link for an attachment style test. www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.plUnfortunately, you probably won't be able to convince him to take it but since you are half of the now defunct relationship, it would be advisable for you to determine your own attachment style. This way, you can better understand (objectively) what you bring to the dynamic, should he ever wish to rekindle things with you. It's hard for me to fathom that you would test as secure, as you have chosen to remain available and are looking for a way to express your undying devotion to a man who has said he has no feelings for you and has been involved with other women (plural) in the timeline of this post. However, if you are secure in your attachment style, this entire situation will prove much easier to recover from. If your style is Anxious Preoccupied, or another insecure attachment style you will have an opportunity in his absence to work on the things that only you can control in order to become healthier as a partner. you also might eventually develop an aspiration to devote yourself to a partner who likewise is devoting themselves to you. I am sorry i cannot offer any encouragement to you about your hope to reconcile this relationship, and to be quite truthful my main concern here would be that he find hope for his own life. Welcome to the boards, and i wish you the best. Thank you Juniper, for providing the link to the test. In honesty, I had sort of based mine (and his) 'diagnosis' on articles I'd read as opposed to a specific test. I would certainly have said that I was AP; I don't know if it's possible to change or develop, but I feel almost sure that I have become more secure over the years. The test placed me as preoccupied, although it seemed to be right on the cusp of secure. I am not feeling like I need him, and although I have had two out of the last 14 days where I have cried what is probably an irrational amount (perhaps a sign of AP), in my mind, I feel like I want him to know that I am here for him. Surely everyone is deserving of understanding? If this mess truly has been caused by whatever hurt/pain and psychological difficulties he is carrying with him, whilst I know I can't fix him, he can be helped. And it is that, which I'd like him to realise. It's not that I don't believe I'm worthy of someone that is equally as devoted to me, nor do I crave absolute attention - my three year relationship prior to this was very secure and only ended due to difficulties with the progression of the relationship due to work commitments and differing hobbies. My struggle with my current relationship/break-up is that it seemed particularly positive, and had a lot of potential and it seems that the factor that is preventing any progression here is psychological. It's hard to look back on something, suspecting that if it weren't for his possible FA style and depression, what we had, could have continued as it were. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2018 12:25:56 GMT
Here is a link for an attachment style test. www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.plUnfortunately, you probably won't be able to convince him to take it but since you are half of the now defunct relationship, it would be advisable for you to determine your own attachment style. This way, you can better understand (objectively) what you bring to the dynamic, should he ever wish to rekindle things with you. It's hard for me to fathom that you would test as secure, as you have chosen to remain available and are looking for a way to express your undying devotion to a man who has said he has no feelings for you and has been involved with other women (plural) in the timeline of this post. However, if you are secure in your attachment style, this entire situation will prove much easier to recover from. If your style is Anxious Preoccupied, or another insecure attachment style you will have an opportunity in his absence to work on the things that only you can control in order to become healthier as a partner. you also might eventually develop an aspiration to devote yourself to a partner who likewise is devoting themselves to you. I am sorry i cannot offer any encouragement to you about your hope to reconcile this relationship, and to be quite truthful my main concern here would be that he find hope for his own life. Welcome to the boards, and i wish you the best. Thank you Juniper, for providing the link to the test. In honesty, I had sort of based mine (and his) 'diagnosis' on articles I'd read as opposed to a specific test. I would certainly have said that I was AP; I don't know if it's possible to change or develop, but I feel almost sure that I have become more secure over the years. The test placed me as preoccupied, although it seemed to be right on the cusp of secure. I am not feeling like I need him, and although I have had two out of the last 14 days where I have cried what is probably an irrational amount (perhaps a sign of AP), in my mind, I feel like I want him to know that I am here for him. Surely everyone is deserving of understanding? If this mess truly has been caused by whatever hurt/pain and psychological difficulties he is carrying with him, whilst I know I can't fix him, he can be helped. And it is that, which I'd like him to realise. It's not that I don't believe I'm worthy of someone that is equally as devoted to me, nor do I crave absolute attention - my three year relationship prior to this was very secure and only ended due to difficulties with the progression of the relationship due to work commitments and differing hobbies. My struggle with my current relationship/break-up is that it seemed particularly positive, and had a lot of potential and it seems that the factor that is preventing any progression here is psychological. It's hard to look back on something, suspecting that if it weren't for his possible FA style and depression, what we had, could have continued as it were. I understand, and wish you the very best! |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 13, 2018 15:48:30 GMT
You're absolutely right in terms of the red flags, and in my previous experiences of cheating, I haven't stood for it. I suppose I feel that I'm giving the 'benefit of the doubt' in this situation because it seems that the cheating may be related to perhaps a combination of his attachment style and depression. Just because there is attachment style-related injury doesn't mean there shouldn't be good boundaries or that unacceptable behavior should get a pass. I agree the flirting probably meant nothing much and he thought of it as an easy dopamine hit when his confidence was suffering, but it's still a disrespectful and immature way for him to handle things unless you've explicity said you're okay with it. But that's not how it happened, it was people he knew in real life, he hid it from you, and eventually did it again when you didn't seem okay with it the first time. I don't believe I've ever seen the FAs on this board advise for more lenient boundaries and acceptance of bad behavior. People are more than their attachment injuries (and if they aren't, they're not ready for relationships). Also, my most recent breakup was with a man who I have an incredible connection and compatibility with -- except for his FA attachment style and emotional issues that have plagued us 2/3 of the last 2.5 years and resulted in him dumping me twice. It's a really big but, and it's a trap to overlook it as everything would be perfect if my partner could just deal with it. I feel that way too, but a severe insecure attachment, can be a huge dealbreaking incompatibility -- especially if you two have hugely differing viewpoints on how to handle it. Plus, again, I think the attachment portion here is secondary. Your ex needs serious treatment for his depression, which he is not getting. I've been there, done that with unhealthy ways of thinking this through when my FA broke up with me the first time and I was well into AP then (earned secure now), so I can relate to your perspective. Focusing on myself instead of him largely allowed me to stop thinking that way. |
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jess92
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Post by jess92 on Aug 14, 2018 18:58:51 GMT
You're absolutely right in terms of the red flags, and in my previous experiences of cheating, I haven't stood for it. I suppose I feel that I'm giving the 'benefit of the doubt' in this situation because it seems that the cheating may be related to perhaps a combination of his attachment style and depression. Just because there is attachment style-related injury doesn't mean there shouldn't be good boundaries or that unacceptable behavior should get a pass. I agree the flirting probably meant nothing much and he thought of it as an easy dopamine hit when his confidence was suffering, but it's still a disrespectful and immature way for him to handle things unless you've explicity said you're okay with it. But that's not how it happened, it was people he knew in real life, he hid it from you, and eventually did it again when you didn't seem okay with it the first time. I don't believe I've ever seen the FAs on this board advise for more lenient boundaries and acceptance of bad behavior. People are more than their attachment injuries (and if they aren't, they're not ready for relationships). Also, my most recent breakup was with a man who I have an incredible connection and compatibility with -- except for his FA attachment style and emotional issues that have plagued us 2/3 of the last 2.5 years and resulted in him dumping me twice. It's a really big but, and it's a trap to overlook it as everything would be perfect if my partner could just deal with it. I feel that way too, but a severe insecure attachment, can be a huge dealbreaking incompatibility -- especially if you two have hugely differing viewpoints on how to handle it. Plus, again, I think the attachment portion here is secondary. Your ex needs serious treatment for his depression, which he is not getting. I've been there, done that with unhealthy ways of thinking this through when my FA broke up with me the first time and I was well into AP then (earned secure now), so I can relate to your perspective. Focusing on myself instead of him largely allowed me to stop thinking that way. Thanks again for your response and advice. It definitely doesn't excuse it, attachment style/depression, whatever the underlying matter is. And even if he were to 'come around' and change his mind at this point, I wouldn't overlook what had happened in terms of the texting unless he agreed to seek professional help, which I can't see happening! At the moment, I don't feel like he is much more than his injuries ... as a person, of course he is, I've seen that in him, but for whatever reason at the moment he seems to just be acting on how his attachment style/depression has made him feel. I'm sorry you've had to go through two break ups due to your partners FA attachment. Can I ask where the two of you are at now? Did you decide that due to the differing attachment styles and the difficulties you have had, that there really was no way for the two of you to be entirely compatible? I do hope that one day my ex does get treatment, but he's particularly stubborn and I certainly don't seeing that happening in the short term, but ultimately I want him to be happy and as much as it's hurting me at the moment, I would take a guess that he's also hurting himself. Final question (apologies) - although I feel I have improved in recent years in terms of my 'level' of AP attachment, what is it that you did to become more secure? Counselling for yourself? Self help books? I'd really like to take this opportunity to better myself, as well as wishing my ex well. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 15, 2018 1:32:08 GMT
I'm sorry you've had to go through two break ups due to your partners FA attachment. Can I ask where the two of you are at now? Did you decide that due to the differing attachment styles and the difficulties you have had, that there really was no way for the two of you to be entirely compatible? Final question (apologies) - although I feel I have improved in recent years in terms of my 'level' of AP attachment, what is it that you did to become more secure? Counselling for yourself? Self help books? I'd really like to take this opportunity to better myself, as well as wishing my ex well. Well, the second breakup just happened earlier this summer, so it hasn't been that long. I'm going to answer your question about where we are now in a kind of long way below, because the answer is yes, I've consciously decided that in response to this second breakup, and I'm pretty sure he feels like that right now after his most recent deactivation, but he really doesn't understand why. However, it's easier to understand the where that ends up with more background.
The question about becoming more secure is a good one and I'm happy to talk about it because I can clearly pinpoint what I found to be the most important pieces, but I think we should start a different thread about that in one of the AP sections. Also, it took several years.
The second break up was when my FA ex told me that he'd lost attraction again and didn't understand why at all, so as such can't imagine he will ever feel it ever again, so we're just not sexually compatible and that's that -- but let's stay the closest of friends and emotionally intimate and see each other all the time. After that run-on confession, a messy conversation ensued which ended on him asking for more time to think.
There's a lot of him pushing and pulling backstory to this. When he'd pull, he'd tell me how much I'd grown as a partner, how he never stopped wanting to start a family with me, and he believed his ambivalence at that point had nothing to do with me but he couldn't figure out what was going on in his head even though he was trying. When he'd push, he was totally ambivalent and wanted space. After the last push from him prior to getting back together, I'd said my boundary was he can't "decide" to be with me and then quickly flip flop (which he was starting to try to do). That taking space and everything else at that point was totally okay and even deciding we would just be friends and not have a second chance was okay (all of this was subsequently reflected in my actions as well, everything was really okay), but the one way to erode my trust in him was for him to keep pulling me to him and immediately changing his mind. So basically, him later directly asking me to fully reconcile, which was a really big deal for us, then delivering this information to me so shortly after we took big steps forward was not okay -- he'd crossed my stated boundary plus he'd already had months of quasi-dating to have figured out he was apparently no longer attracted to me.
The next day, I sent him a short and honest email to apologize for escalating the messiness of our conversation and to say I was still there for him. A few days later, I'd calmed down and said hey, I've noticed we're in a toxic cycle. Here's a link with information (this was push/pull info, not attachment theory), because I need to break it. I would prefer for you to break it with me, by you addressing your half while we figure out what we want together... and if you decide you don't want to do that, I have to break it myself and walk away from trying to figure this out. He responded with weeks of silent treatment, and then a text that he still wanted to be friends. We saw each other after to trade back belongings and had a calm follow-up conversation in which I mentioned attachment theory (he's slightly familiar with it and feels that he's an "avoidant" AP...). I mostly explained my shift from AP to secure and how it had improved our partnership, and that occasionally I could still be triggered and had been trying unsuccessfully to communicate that I felt triggered when he broke up with me the second time. And how to de-escalate it if for some reason it ever happened again. He was very receptive to hearing that. I then asked if he knew the term FA? He said no, and immediately shut down... so even if I wanted to get into it, which I didn't because it's his to figure out, I wouldn't have been able to. I said I believe at this point that our issues are all insecure attachment-related, and he has all the information to start from if he so decides to look into it. He made a couple statements deflecting responsibility and indicating that as scared as he is of losing me, he's more scared of looking at his own issues. That made me sad, but I didn't argue. I said, I want to be with you, but I can't do it with this level of inconsistency... and it wouldn't create a good environment for us to raise children in, either. He thanked me for my patience. The pull soon resumed, and he reached out to restart our friendship... and trying to have that friendship is how we ended up cycling and reconciling in the first place. So, after I asked for some advice on this board about how to handle that in the kindest way for both of us, my response was to push him away... even though it felt miserable. We haven't spoken since then (don't applaud yet, it has only been a week).
My mostly-secure opinion at the moment is, we shouldn't be in touch (outside of I'll be there for him in an emergency) unless either I've shifted more to meet him -- ie I've gotten over him and we can be just friends -- or he's shifted more to meet me -- ie he's started his own journey to heal his attachment for real. One of those two things is bound to happen, so I don't think we'll never speak again, but I think it's like a 95% chance it will be me getting over him. I have normal breakup angst, but no actual ill-will. I just want him to be okay, and he's currently not a happy person, which makes me sad for him. But I can love him so much and still understand that this doesn't work for me right now, and I really want a stable relationship that he's in no place to provide to me. Yes, he's hurt me a lot and that stinks, but I can forgive that (there's been no malicious behavior). I like who he is aside from the commitment ambivalence, I love spending time with him, I don't mind when he needs space. But I can't operate in an LTR in which I can't trust my partner, and right now, the trust is lacking after 2.5 years. Plus, if his deactivating method of choice is going to be withdrawing from me physically and telling me I'm not attractive to him, well, that's going to get old. I'd never speak to him that way or make him feel unwanted, no matter my issues. So, it's time to move on.
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jess92
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Post by jess92 on Aug 15, 2018 12:29:50 GMT
The question about becoming more secure is a good one and I'm happy to talk about it because I can clearly pinpoint what I found to be the most important pieces, but I think we should start a different thread about that in one of the AP sections. Also, it took several years.
The second break up was when my FA ex told me that he'd lost attraction again and didn't understand why at all, so as such can't imagine he will ever feel it ever again, so we're just not sexually compatible and that's that -- but let's stay the closest of friends and emotionally intimate and see each other all the time. After that run-on confession, a messy conversation ensued which ended on him asking for more time to think. My mostly-secure opinion at the moment is, we shouldn't be in touch (outside of I'll be there for him in an emergency) unless either I've shifted more to meet him -- ie I've gotten over him and we can be just friends -- or he's shifted more to meet me -- ie he's started his own journey to heal his attachment for real. One of those two things is bound to happen, so I don't think we'll never speak again, but I think it's like a 95% chance it will be me getting over him.
Thank you again - really appreciate you sharing you story. It helps so much knowing that there are others out there that have been through something even slightly similar, whilst I wouldn't wish it upon anyone and I completely admire your strength, I guess the idea of these forums is so that we can all share our thoughts, feelings and coping mechanisms. I'll definitely start a new thread on the AP section, I've had a look through them previously and then keep forgetting that they're there too! Will look forward to speaking with you about it through there. It's interesting that you mention what your ex had told you prior to your second break-up. I realise attraction can seemingly 'disappear' in any relationship, whether it's linked to attachment styles or not. But it's interesting as that's similar to what my ex was saying. As you know, he'd told me he didn't feel 'in love' anymore and that something was missing from his side, but he just couldn't pin point what or why it had gone, although he acknowledged that it had been there before, and was extremely strong. It is almost as if their feelings just entirely switch off? That sounds like such a sensible and strong decision for you to have made. I really hope that your ex (and maybe even mine!) will continue to look into attachment styles for himself, as it sounds like he has done so before and perhaps the knowledge and realisation will be enough for him to want to heal himself. We can hope can't we!  |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 15, 2018 15:19:19 GMT
I don't really hope anything other than he'll be okay. I stayed in the second time because the strength of our emotional connection is incredible, and though we were moving very very slowly, we seemingly kept moving forward. We'd have discussions about where we were at and what we wanted, and there was progress. Until he ended it again, and I realized that the progress was still at too superficial a level... he's not ready for what really needs to be addressed for us to work out (his own healing).
I think there's some amount of closure from knowing I healed myself and showed up as a pretty secure partner for him -- maybe the AP mentality of there must be something more I can do comes from knowing there's something off in ourselves about how we're showing up in love. I am proud of the way I loved him and feel like I really did the best I could, so there's not much more I can hope for than that... aside from finding a partner at some point who would appreciate that.
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