Post by throwaway1713 on Aug 13, 2018 3:40:33 GMT
I am so glad I’ve found this forum! It’s been an absolute revelation reading about everyone’s experiences, everything makes so much sense.
Ok so here’s my background, I’m (35F) 5 months out from a break up. My ex partner (35M) of 3 years broke up with me out of the blue in March. I am now almost certain he is FA and has C-PTSD. Any insight from FA people/partners of FA people would be greatly appreciated!
I’m gonna bullet-point to make this easier to read.
- We met over 3 years ago. It was love at first sight (a new experience for both of us). We were soulmates, both had never experienced this before, we both felt we’d found our person. He moved in with me about 4 months after meeting.
- Our relationship started beautifully, he was very open, loving, communicative. Our sexually compatibility was amazing, the best sexual experience we’d both had. We were best friends as well as partners. We have lots of very specific interests in common, including our quite unusual career path.
- As I got to know him I found out lots about his childhood, he was raised in a cult like religion (heavy on the sexual guilt and repression) which he left as a teenager. He experienced physical abuse as a very young child from his bio Dad, bio Dad left when he was very young & never really been in the picture. Mum is lovely but still practicing in the religion. Had some bad step dads, sounds like the main one was neglectful and abusive, he also abandoned him when he was about 12. He had some inappropriate, scary, challenging experiences growing up.
- His teens/20s were punctuated by suicidal depression, but he managed to completely reverse this and has become a wonderful, life affirming adult (...for the most part, I’ll get into it!)
- I saw a couple of red flags very early on, but at the time didn’t know what was going on. In the first few weeks of the relationship he completely broke down and hid under a duvet for a day. He wouldn’t speak to me. It seemed to be triggered by me working with a couple of guys on a work project, some kind of jealous reaction which was very weird because this was a professional situation with a mutual friend present also. This was followed by a strange conversation where he seemed angry at me, I needed to have a ‘really big think’ about whether I should be with him and he thought I was stupid for loving him. I was a bit shocked by this, told him how I felt and then said ‘I’m gonna leave you to it’ because he was being ridiculous. He got over it quickly and that was that...or so I thought.
- About 8 months into our relationship he began to close off. Communication wasn’t as easy, he began to keep me on the surface. Our sex life dwindled and eventually vanished, he ended up not wanting to do anything sexual or even kiss. My advances towards him would make him genuinely fearful and I stopped attempting anything because I didn’t want to hurt him. I could feel his boundaries and respected them. Throughout this my communication was always open and honest. I told him i was there if he wanted to talk. He would often say ‘you should find someone else to sleep with’ to which I would say no thanks. He was who I loved, he was my partner and I wanted to be with him. Initially it was hard, but I did a lot of work on myself, on managing expectations, on allowing him to be and accepting him exactly as he was. I ended up in a pretty peaceful place with it all.
- Throughout all of this the rest of our relationship was amazing, we never argued, we laughed all day every day and constantly went on adventures, worked together, cooked, travelled, shared favourite things etc. He lead very affectionate, with cuddles and closeness, just nothing sexual.
- He hated being looked at or told he was handsome. I think he has body dysmorphia.
- He was staying with me in my rented place, without the landlord knowing, which made him nervous and he decided to move into his own place. I thought, given our communication problem, this would probably be a good thing. Maybe he needs some space to work on it. I didn’t immediately think he was heading for break up, but in hindsight I see it differently.
- He broke up with me almost immediately after moving out. He said he didn’t know what was going to happen but as soon as he was in his new place, he knew he ‘had to end it’. He still wanted to be friends, because I’m his ‘best friend’ and I could still hang out and ‘stay over if I wanted’.
- I left that night and haven’t spoken to him since.
It was like I had cold water thrown over me. I realised what a crazy situation we’d been in and I knew we both needed absolute space and clarity in the aftermath of this headfuck of a situation. My position had consistently been ‘take your time, I’m here, talk to me if and when you’re ready’. To have him suddenly break up with me with absolutely zero conversation/warning was too much to deal with and I had to remove myself for my own sanity.
So this is where I am now. I’ve done the attachment test and I’m almost totally secure, on the cusp of preoccupied when it comes to my relationships. That makes sense because I put up with a set of circumstances that most people wouldn’t have for a long time. But I do love him unconditionally, and I genuinely loved our relationship. I hoped he would be able to open up with me, but I was happy just being with him. He is my complete soulmate and I want to be with him.
But I’m very very glad for this breakup. I’ve discovered that he’s likely FA, I found out about C-PTSD which blew my mind and I’m sure that’s what his diagnosis is. I realised I don’t need him to be happy and I rediscovered my relationship with myself which has been amazing. I’ve done some incredible stuff in the past 5 months. On the whole I’m feeling very secure and complete. I just miss him terribly.
I’ve decided to maintain my silence, but all my avenues of communication are open if he wants to reach out. I would love to tell him what i’ve found out. I know this journey is his and his alone though. I hope so much that he decides to take it and heal himself. I also don’t fully believe that he doesn’t want to be with me. We had such a beautiful relationship.
From the point of view of FA people, are there any insights you could give based on what I’ve said? Any similar experiences? And FA partners...same question! Thanks guys, this forum is awesome.
Ok so here’s my background, I’m (35F) 5 months out from a break up. My ex partner (35M) of 3 years broke up with me out of the blue in March. I am now almost certain he is FA and has C-PTSD. Any insight from FA people/partners of FA people would be greatly appreciated!
I’m gonna bullet-point to make this easier to read.
- We met over 3 years ago. It was love at first sight (a new experience for both of us). We were soulmates, both had never experienced this before, we both felt we’d found our person. He moved in with me about 4 months after meeting.
- Our relationship started beautifully, he was very open, loving, communicative. Our sexually compatibility was amazing, the best sexual experience we’d both had. We were best friends as well as partners. We have lots of very specific interests in common, including our quite unusual career path.
- As I got to know him I found out lots about his childhood, he was raised in a cult like religion (heavy on the sexual guilt and repression) which he left as a teenager. He experienced physical abuse as a very young child from his bio Dad, bio Dad left when he was very young & never really been in the picture. Mum is lovely but still practicing in the religion. Had some bad step dads, sounds like the main one was neglectful and abusive, he also abandoned him when he was about 12. He had some inappropriate, scary, challenging experiences growing up.
- His teens/20s were punctuated by suicidal depression, but he managed to completely reverse this and has become a wonderful, life affirming adult (...for the most part, I’ll get into it!)
- I saw a couple of red flags very early on, but at the time didn’t know what was going on. In the first few weeks of the relationship he completely broke down and hid under a duvet for a day. He wouldn’t speak to me. It seemed to be triggered by me working with a couple of guys on a work project, some kind of jealous reaction which was very weird because this was a professional situation with a mutual friend present also. This was followed by a strange conversation where he seemed angry at me, I needed to have a ‘really big think’ about whether I should be with him and he thought I was stupid for loving him. I was a bit shocked by this, told him how I felt and then said ‘I’m gonna leave you to it’ because he was being ridiculous. He got over it quickly and that was that...or so I thought.
- About 8 months into our relationship he began to close off. Communication wasn’t as easy, he began to keep me on the surface. Our sex life dwindled and eventually vanished, he ended up not wanting to do anything sexual or even kiss. My advances towards him would make him genuinely fearful and I stopped attempting anything because I didn’t want to hurt him. I could feel his boundaries and respected them. Throughout this my communication was always open and honest. I told him i was there if he wanted to talk. He would often say ‘you should find someone else to sleep with’ to which I would say no thanks. He was who I loved, he was my partner and I wanted to be with him. Initially it was hard, but I did a lot of work on myself, on managing expectations, on allowing him to be and accepting him exactly as he was. I ended up in a pretty peaceful place with it all.
- Throughout all of this the rest of our relationship was amazing, we never argued, we laughed all day every day and constantly went on adventures, worked together, cooked, travelled, shared favourite things etc. He lead very affectionate, with cuddles and closeness, just nothing sexual.
- He hated being looked at or told he was handsome. I think he has body dysmorphia.
- He was staying with me in my rented place, without the landlord knowing, which made him nervous and he decided to move into his own place. I thought, given our communication problem, this would probably be a good thing. Maybe he needs some space to work on it. I didn’t immediately think he was heading for break up, but in hindsight I see it differently.
- He broke up with me almost immediately after moving out. He said he didn’t know what was going to happen but as soon as he was in his new place, he knew he ‘had to end it’. He still wanted to be friends, because I’m his ‘best friend’ and I could still hang out and ‘stay over if I wanted’.
- I left that night and haven’t spoken to him since.
It was like I had cold water thrown over me. I realised what a crazy situation we’d been in and I knew we both needed absolute space and clarity in the aftermath of this headfuck of a situation. My position had consistently been ‘take your time, I’m here, talk to me if and when you’re ready’. To have him suddenly break up with me with absolutely zero conversation/warning was too much to deal with and I had to remove myself for my own sanity.
So this is where I am now. I’ve done the attachment test and I’m almost totally secure, on the cusp of preoccupied when it comes to my relationships. That makes sense because I put up with a set of circumstances that most people wouldn’t have for a long time. But I do love him unconditionally, and I genuinely loved our relationship. I hoped he would be able to open up with me, but I was happy just being with him. He is my complete soulmate and I want to be with him.
But I’m very very glad for this breakup. I’ve discovered that he’s likely FA, I found out about C-PTSD which blew my mind and I’m sure that’s what his diagnosis is. I realised I don’t need him to be happy and I rediscovered my relationship with myself which has been amazing. I’ve done some incredible stuff in the past 5 months. On the whole I’m feeling very secure and complete. I just miss him terribly.
I’ve decided to maintain my silence, but all my avenues of communication are open if he wants to reach out. I would love to tell him what i’ve found out. I know this journey is his and his alone though. I hope so much that he decides to take it and heal himself. I also don’t fully believe that he doesn’t want to be with me. We had such a beautiful relationship.
From the point of view of FA people, are there any insights you could give based on what I’ve said? Any similar experiences? And FA partners...same question! Thanks guys, this forum is awesome.
