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Post by happyidiot on Aug 14, 2018 22:56:11 GMT
Update: I have now come to terms with the fact that my main type is FA. At the time of writing this I was lacking awareness of that and believed I was AP because I felt mostly pulled into an AP mode with the few people I'd been most drawn to and hurt over. So now it seems funny that I wrote this big post about how I think FAs are so similar to me, but I'll leave it as it was.
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As someone with an AP attachment style, I notice some of the people I have been most magnetically drawn to have been people with an FA style (either that's what I believe them to be based on a lot of evidence, sometimes even talking to a psychologist about them, or because they have straight up said they are FA), both in love and friendship.
I wonder if partly why I love FAs is because they make me feel almost understood? The connection can feel almost mystical.
They are so much like me, except in a few crucial areas. I can fill in the blanks early on, by imagining that they feel like me and are doing things for the same reasons I would do them. It's only when they do something that I would never do that I realize we are are different in a critical way, and we don't actually get each other. Maybe they suddenly stop responding to texts at a time that can't be explained by being busy, phone problems (who breaks that many phones?) or me imagining they are just trying to play it cool. Maybe they leave town unplanned without telling me, when we seemed at our closest. Maybe they refuse to discuss a minor problem.
They don't understand my clinging and I don't understand their fleeing. But there is a well of sameness to drink from. It's only really our techniques for warding off our anxiety that are opposite.
Their eyes may hint at a sadness and longing inside of them that I feel too. We both anxiously overthink everything. We're both sensitive and emotional inside. We both have developed great senses of humor and appreciation for music in order to cope with the pain of existence. We can relate to each other's tough childhoods and many of our coping mechanisms. We are both perfectionists and procrastinators. We both text a lot (until the FA takes a long break of course). Neither of us are good at describing our needs openly and will be indirect about our feelings and desires, sometimes in beautiful poetic ways. We're both a bit lonely and misunderstood, both highly observant and overreactive. And at least according to my observation of the ones I've had sex with or have told me about their sex lives (a very small sample size), we both may be really into sex and good at it, perhaps we use it to feel something in place of other seemingly riskier emotional connection (maybe this changes down the road though?).
I wonder if FAs think I am like them until I reveal that I expect something from them that they don't want to give, or double text them when they wanted to be left alone?
Maybe I am looking for some kind of redemption in their arms, maybe I thought if only I could get (and stay) close to this last one I love, that we could both be transformed into secures in the process.
Do you agree? What parts do you think I'm off or on about? Are our similarities and not just our polarizations part of why we attract each other?
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Post by cspragu on Aug 15, 2018 20:23:06 GMT
I can relate to this. The connection/attraction my off and on FA girlfriend have with each other is nuts. We’re both drawn to each other and it’s always incredible when we reconnect. We talk bout anything and everything, she’s very affectionate and forward, the sex is epic, and we literally enjoy doing pretty much anything together. BUT...once we settle into a relationship and I start providing her security she gets tired of the demands of said relationship. And by demands I mean the “exhausting” process of communicating basic needs and boundaries. Or hell....even communicating at all sometimes. It’s like once she has what she wants she suddenly doesn’t want it all anymore. She needs a break from the intensity even though she’s the one initiating pretty much everything. Inevitably she gets overwhelmed and runs away, only to return again. It’s crazy.
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jess92
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Post by jess92 on Aug 15, 2018 20:44:56 GMT
I can relate to this. The connection/attraction my off and on FA girlfriend have with each other is nuts. We’re both drawn to each other and it’s always incredible when we reconnect. We talk bout anything and everything, she’s very affectionate and forward, the sex is epic, and we literally enjoy doing pretty much anything together. BUT...once we settle into a relationship and I start providing her security she gets tired of the demands of said relationship. And by demands I mean the “exhausting” process of communicating basic needs and boundaries. Or hell....even communicating at all sometimes. It’s like once she has what she wants she suddenly doesn’t want it all anymore. She needs a break from the intensity even though she’s the one initiating pretty much everything. Inevitably she gets overwhelmed and runs away, only to return again. It’s crazy. Completely agree with you here cspragu! (and of course your initial post happyidiot). I actually hadn't ever had a connection like the connection I had with my suspected FA ex boyfriend. We both told one another how different it felt, how amazing. And strangely enough, just like you have experienced with your girlfriend, it's my boyfriend that seems to have initiated all of the 'next steps' we have taken only for him to then get cold feet and retreat. "Move in with me", "let's buy a house", "I want to be with you forever".... to "Oh I can't open up to you" "Someone suggested we get married, no way". Sometimes it feels like whiplash! Sadly, I can't see him coming back at this point... unless it's way into the future. But we shall see. |
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Post by cspragu on Aug 15, 2018 20:54:40 GMT
Never say never. Mine broke up with me 2 weeks ago without warning(for the third time). She asked to meet and talk last night. We met, talked, cuddled, she initiated kissing, sex, etc. It was all her move. She ends up laying on my chest and crying saying that she doesn’t know what to do. It’s a mind f#ck...but the chemistry is absurd.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 16, 2018 19:08:23 GMT
Here is the thing...I would not say you love FAs...you love men who often exhibit FA tendencies. I think we can get too myopic and forget that people are more then their attachment style. Sure..there is some useful information on how each of the attachment styles reacts to pain/fear...but....beyond that...you are dealing with a person who is so much more then what attachment style explains.
I know it is so easy to get caught up in the other person...gosh...my AP style says hope is in the focus on someone else...but the reality is.....it is being strong in who you are...in knowing and loving yourself....as insecure as you can be.
I wish you well on your journey.
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jess92
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Post by jess92 on Aug 16, 2018 20:19:48 GMT
Never say never. Mine broke up with me 2 weeks ago without warning(for the third time). She asked to meet and talk last night. We met, talked, cuddled, she initiated kissing, sex, etc. It was all her move. She ends up laying on my chest and crying saying that she doesn’t know what to do. It’s a mind f#ck...but the chemistry is absurd. Thanks for this cspragu - I have actually been reading quite a lot of your posts over the last few days. I'm sorry you're stuck in this uncertain back and forth at the moment, but it does sound like your girl is still hanging on to you too. I am rooting for you, I really am. You're right, I guess I can't entirely rule out a miraculous reunion but I've resigned myself to the fact that it more than likely won't happen so that I can just try and get on myself as best as I can. If it does happen, it will be a bonus. I bet I sound quite positive about it this evening - I have felt that way for a few days but I'm just waiting for my next AP 'outburst' .... |
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Post by cspragu on Aug 16, 2018 21:16:58 GMT
Never say never. Mine broke up with me 2 weeks ago without warning(for the third time). She asked to meet and talk last night. We met, talked, cuddled, she initiated kissing, sex, etc. It was all her move. She ends up laying on my chest and crying saying that she doesn’t know what to do. It’s a mind f#ck...but the chemistry is absurd. Thanks for this cspragu - I have actually been reading quite a lot of your posts over the last few days. I'm sorry you're stuck in this uncertain back and forth at the moment, but it does sound like your girl is still hanging on to you too. I am rooting for you, I really am. You're right, I guess I can't entirely rule out a miraculous reunion but I've resigned myself to the fact that it more than likely won't happen so that I can just try and get on myself as best as I can. If it does happen, it will be a bonus. I bet I sound quite positive about it this evening - I have felt that way for a few days but I'm just waiting for my next AP 'outburst' .... I think you have the right attitude. Its best to proceed with the intent of moving on. That's what I do every single time. But in the back of my mind theres always hope. The door is always open to her because we do really care about each other and have an amazing connection. It's just when we really get into it our attachment styles start to interfere. Maybe one day we will figure it out. If not....I can't say id regret anything. Chemistry like that is rare. And it's a beautiful experience. Own your "outbursts", whenever they occur, and accept that they are the result of wounds suffered in the past. They're also the result of a detox process where you're coming down from the addiction you have to the intermittent reward you were receiving from your ex. It's a horrible feeling and I can relate 100%. I hope you feel better. |
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 23, 2018 11:27:09 GMT
Here is the thing...I would not say you love FAs...you love men who often exhibit FA tendencies. I think we can get too myopic and forget that people are more then their attachment style. Sure..there is some useful information on how each of the attachment styles reacts to pain/fear...but....beyond that...you are dealing with a person who is so much more then what attachment style explains. I know it is so easy to get caught up in the other person...gosh...my AP style says hope is in the focus on someone else...but the reality is.....it is being strong in who you are...in knowing and loving yourself....as insecure as you can be. I wish you well on your journey. Yes of course. It's easier to just say "FAs" than "people who often exhibit FA tendencies" and makes for a better thread title  . The FAs I have loved, both in romance and in friendship, are certainly not one-dimensional characters and they have many things I love about them aside from their FA tendencies. I was trying to make a point about why I think their FA tendencies specifically are attractive. Some people think that an AP is attracted to an FA because of their avoidance, because they poke the AP's wounds, that it's a case of opposites attract. I posit that it can be a case of like attracts like, and that I am most attracted to the ways in which we seem so similar. I'm attracted to DAs too but not in the same way, I have not seriously fallen in love with one and I get over them much faster (I've dated 2 who I know are DA and 1 person whose primary attachment style I don't know but was behaving DA with me). Thanks so much for your kind words. |
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maryt
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Post by maryt on Aug 25, 2018 1:02:24 GMT
Here is the thing...I would not say you love FAs...you love men who often exhibit FA tendencies. I think we can get too myopic and forget that people are more then their attachment style. Sure..there is some useful information on how each of the attachment styles reacts to pain/fear...but....beyond that...you are dealing with a person who is so much more then what attachment style explains. I know it is so easy to get caught up in the other person...gosh...my AP style says hope is in the focus on someone else...but the reality is.....it is being strong in who you are...in knowing and loving yourself....as insecure as you can be. I wish you well on your journey. Yes of course. It's easier to just say "FAs" than "people who often exhibit FA tendencies" and makes for a better thread title . The FAs I have loved, both in romance and in friendship, are certainly not one-dimensional characters and they have many things I love about them aside from their FA tendencies. I was trying to make a point about why I think their FA tendencies specifically are attractive. Some people think that an AP is attracted to an FA because of their avoidance, because they poke the AP's wounds, that it's a case of opposites attract. I posit that it can be a case of like attracts like, and that I am most attracted to the ways in which we seem so similar. I'm attracted to DAs too but not in the same way, I have not seriously fallen in love with one and I get over them much faster (I've dated 2 who I know are DA and 1 person whose primary attachment style I don't know but was behaving DA with me). Thanks so much for your kind words. I think your original post is spot on, at least with how things have gone with my current FA bf. We’ve had some trying times but have seemed to successfully worked through them and been able to maintain a wonderful connection and progression of closeness. But seems like we’re headed toward some type of crossroads after 4 1/2 years. I know it’s hard for him to plan too far ahead by need him to at least verbalize the commitment/plan for the future since ive been considering moving closer to him (we’re two hrs apart). His FA tendencies make it pretty much impossible for him to do so and because of that I’m feeling like he thinks I’m going to move on...he actually expressed it. I found out just recently that he’s been texting an ex...he says they’re just friends (but does she think this?). He doesn’t know I saw him texting her when he was here two days ago. He said he was texting with a friend and shared what they were discussing. I happened to be sitting right next to him at the time so I saw the name on the text! So being AP I’ve been feeling triggered past couple of days. He hasn’t distanced or seem triggered for a good two years so I’ve been trying to figure out where this is all coming from. The idea of me moving closer/wanting the verbal commitment?? I’m wondering if reestablishing connection with someone is his way of distracting his uncomfortable feelings, thinking I might leave. Or positioning himself in case I do? Just when I thought we might be one of the lucky couples who might be able to manage/persevere through this FA/AP dance. 😉 |
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. The FAs I have loved, both in romance and in friendship, are certainly not one-dimensional characters and they have many things I love about them aside from their FA tendencies. I was trying to make a point about why I think their FA tendencies specifically are attractive. Some people think that an AP is attracted to an FA because of their avoidance, because they poke the AP's wounds, that it's a case of opposites attract. I posit that it can be a case of like attracts like, and that I am most attracted to the ways in which we seem so similar. I'm attracted to DAs too but not in the same way, I have not seriously fallen in love with one and I get over them much faster (I've dated 2 who I know are DA and 1 person whose primary attachment style I don't know but was behaving DA with me).