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Post by tnr9 on Aug 16, 2018 16:57:26 GMT
I keep telling myself that I am ok....that to love someone means loving them even when that person decides that you are not the one...because it isn't personal. But boy it does feel so very personal and my heart aches with sadness. And the what ifs and if onlys get very loud and the images of him with someone else cloud my ability to focus and be present. So I sit...as painful as this is...and I try to find my way back to gratitude...but it is not an easy task when I want to be selfish and angry and bitter (which are just reactions to feeling abandoned, embarrassed and foolish). Love does not come with any guarantees and we enter into it without any guideposts or maps...doing the best we can to navigate unfamiliar waters. I do truly wish him well....I guess I have. Not yet fully grieved and so it will come in spurts...and today is just one of those days.
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andy
Full Member
Posts: 131
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Post by andy on Aug 16, 2018 20:01:27 GMT
That is great you recognize you're doing your best and that we all are - hope that can add to your compassion for yourself. You seem to have a big focus on cultivating compassion for your ex, which is generous and lovely, and also remember to include yourself in that. Wonder if you can redirect some of your efforts to be compassionate towards yourself.
It is great also that you realize your grief will not always be as intense as it is in this moment. When I feel something really strong, it's hard to believe that the feeling is not permanent and will vary in intensity even in the space of an hour, a minute. There are some emotional mindfulness exercises in Dialectical Behavioural Therapy focused on noticing variations in emotion and the coming and going of all feelings and thoughts, which I have found helpful. I think the resource I used is the DBT Workbook. If this is of interest, I'll get back to you with the author, exact title, and relevant pages.
Lastly, I think it is ok and possibly very important to feel some anger even if gratitude and understanding for your ex are mixed in. Not sure if you are anything like this AP, but I often don't recognize or accept my anger when it could be a useful signal to me that my needs are going unmet or have gone unmet and that I need to let my actions be guided accordingly. Maybe your anger is a useful resource in your breakup recovery. I don't know your story, but as long as you are not acting out in a rash and aggressive way, maybe anger can help you keep moving in the direction of getting your needs met through your own transformation and finding a partner who is better able to meet them.
I totally feel for you. I take breakups really hard. Think that's a really common human experience, not limited to AP. Hang in there.
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jess92
Junior Member
Posts: 50 
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Post by jess92 on Aug 16, 2018 20:09:23 GMT
I keep telling myself that I am ok....that to love someone means loving them even when that person decides that you are not the one...because it isn't personal. But boy it does feel so very personal and my heart aches with sadness. And the what ifs and if onlys get very loud and the images of him with someone else cloud my ability to focus and be present. So I sit...as painful as this is...and I try to find my way back to gratitude...but it is not an easy task when I want to be selfish and angry and bitter (which are just reactions to feeling abandoned, embarrassed and foolish). Love does not come with any guarantees and we enter into it without any guideposts or maps...doing the best we can to navigate unfamiliar waters. I do truly wish him well....I guess I have. Not yet fully grieved and so it will come in spurts...and today is just one of those days. Ah tnr9 ... just as I was about to write something to you about somehow finding strength, and concentrating on yourself in whatever ways you can, I've felt myself getting a little carried away in my emotions too. I completely understand your struggle. I'm still living with my ex (for the next week or so) and he seems to think it's helpful to tell me about discussions he's had with people about our break up, how he's told them that 'something was just missing' and how I've managed to hold it together and not start reeling off information about attachment styles, I don't know. All I can really suggest, as it certainly helps me, is trying to remember that whatever 'this' is at the moment, it's temporary. If things work out with you and your love (or me and mine) then great, if things don't, there really will be someone else for us. How could there not be when we have so much love to give? Just take things slowly, can you do something you enjoy to take your mind off things? I like watching terrible television, doing a crossword and I've (don't judge me) taken up playing Words with Friends too. When I'm feeling like I'm particularly struggling, loud music tends to help me.... particularly heavy music, absolutely not sad music! Wishing you luck and healing  |
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