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Post by Sam on Mar 26, 2017 18:51:02 GMT
Also when I first met my ex he said ' I hate that you're better than me' and he used to say he was punching above his weight! And that I was the most attractive person he knew. So insecure! i have never felt that way towards anyone, I admire people but don't feel insecure like that.
It was always as though he was always in competition with not just me but everyone really.
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Post by Jaeger on Mar 28, 2017 16:55:15 GMT
Also when I first met my ex he said ' I hate that you're better than me' and he used to say he was punching above his weight! And that I was the most attractive person he knew. So insecure! i have never felt that way towards anyone, I admire people but don't feel insecure like that. It was always as though he was always in competition with not just me but everyone really. Hi Sam, Shame you aren't a member since my first thought was to send this message to your inbox since I don't want to hijack this thread, but on your question about how to heal faster.. I ended up going back to the therapist I had visited with my ex, after we had split up. She made me see that the relationship had held this long because of me, rather than in spite of me, as my ex had been trying to stamp into my mind. She also said that if I had kept on like this, I would have been completely burned out by my relationship within 4 or 5 years from that point (I had been in it for 12 already). Talking things through like that has helped me a lot, and helped me place things into perspective. One of ghe realizations I had is that nothing I could have done would have changed this outcome and it's very likely to repeat for her. And for me, if I didn't work on why I let it get this far. Somewhere along the line, like you, I started to shift towards the anxious as well. Towards the end it was worse, when she said things like "I don't find you attractive", "you should have acted like a man", "you weren't there for our children" and "Fuck off with your needs. Find someone else to fill them". Passive aggression I had felt for years turned into actual aggression at that point. I'm sorry to think you know what that's like. The breakup, no contact and the talks helped me return to the secure person I was before. I recognize so many things you've said that it's almost scary. My ex would always compete with me.. In the relationship, with words, in terms of intelligence, everything. And she made it clear she resented me for outperforming her in any of those. What I took away from it is that, despite telling myself otherwise, she would never have made me happy. Her focus was on herself, where I have learned to also put my partners needs ahead of my own at times. There are a few mimimum requirements that I have now for any new relationship. To me, a potential partner has to be empathetic, in touch with their emotions, honest, communicative and able to put the needs of a partner ahead of her own at times. Looking back, my ex had none of those traits towards me, though she seemed to at the start. I think having a clear picture of what you want and deserve will help you to move on easier, too. If you would like to get in touch, then please feel free to do so. |
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Post by xyphosuran on Apr 8, 2017 8:55:08 GMT
Do avoidants ever feel sorry for treating you so badly. My relationship made me feel like I was losing my mind, and nearly 8 months after my breakup although I know the way he treated me was appalling I still have days when I can't believe how bad it was. Do they ever show any remorse or do they merrily go in their way as if nothing happened? So my avoidant ex still tells me he was a great boyfriend and says that I tried to make him out to be a monster by simpy reminding him of things he actually did: left me on the side of the road, told me fuck you even though I asked him not to and said it hurt my feelings, when I asked what he liked about me he said "I like that you are needy it makes me feel more secure", called me a bitch and hung up on me when his only friends visited and I asked if he could schedule something for us to do ahead of time so I could make time for it instead of waiting for them to only make plans, ignoring me and imitating me during fights, leaving me on the street in a foreign country, and too much to list. The thing is I know he and I did things that sucked and weren't great and I've admitted that and apologized and was in counseling and reading dozens of books and getting tons of advice on how to make us work. All I wanted was for him to admit to his side and to not pretend like he's perfect and I'm making stuff up. |
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Post by Sam . on Apr 8, 2017 19:23:07 GMT
Hey,
Yep I know the feeling. Anytime I remember reminded him of things he had said and done he played it down like it was nothing but anytime he felt I was wrong I would be punished with silent treatment.
Had the same thing with my exs friends too, as soon as they turned up I didn't exist. I was also left in places, he would literally run away from me, sometimes he would get out of the car and run. He left me in bars sometimes and would go home, even if we were miles away from home. He would just leave me. The language he used to insult me was disgusting. It was abusive, in fact I feel like I was bullied and abused for all of my relationship but it wasn't until it was over that I realised. He was really controlling which I've read usually isn't a trait of an avoidant but I believe he had other issues too. He definitely had anger issues and seems to have a real problem with respect for women, he looks down on us.
These discussion boards have really helped me through reading other people's experiences and learning that it wasn't me it was him. Luckily my ex had not been in contact, whether or not he wants too is another matter but I know that he would never risk the rejection. To me, he is just a really nasty, messed up person. I know some people have sympathy for avoidants but I don't, I was treated appallingly.
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Post by xyphosuran on Apr 8, 2017 20:19:08 GMT
Oh my gosh yes Sam! I thought all these behaviors were just me! And yes I also thought maybe my ex had aspergers or something else and so I gave him more room to act badly. The friend thing bothered me so much because I wanted him to have friends and he didn't have any in town. He was a real loner. So when his friends finally visited I was so excited. He brought me out once to show off that he finally had a girlfriend but after that he would never make plans ahead of time and I felt so left out. Then he would act so I don't know how to put it, almost like it empowered him to feel like he could call me names and hang up on me because he had his friends. Normally he was more aware that I was his only friend or girl friend. It hurt so bad because I wanted to go out with my boyfriend and his friends and have that whole normal laughing social experience. Otherwise we were very isolated as a couple because he never not once would go out with me and my friends or go to social events where we could make friends together. I guess I felt so confused and thrown away like trash because he didn't need me when his friends were there. He instead accused me of being jealous of his friends and to me that just fit some stereotype in his head of how women are, possessive and jealous. But it kind of dismissed the nuance of my real emotions of the situation which probably would have been too much intimacy for him.
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Post by Sam . on Apr 9, 2017 10:57:58 GMT
My ex and I never went out with other couples, baring in mind we were together for 4 years! I also got excluded from family things, when his brother broke up with his girlfriend, my ex said his brother was happier now as he could do what he wanted. I said, if you want to be single too go ahead, he said no that's not what I meant. Avoidants behave all of the time as though they don't need you and don't care, it's like together but not together! My ex once told me if we broke up he wouldn't give me a seconds thought. He's now with someone else and I just feel sorry for her because I know what she's got coming!
I really changed throughout the time we were together, I went from a secure happy confident woman to an anxious wreck. Towards the end I did start to detach and started getting myself together and turned against him, so when he ended it he had the perfect opportunity to blame me for everything and told me that he would have done anything for me, despite the bravado I had been his world and he had loved me so much!!!! Despite the fact I had been his emotional punchbag for 4 years! You have to always remember that the way they are is not your fault, there is a deep rooted core issue with them , and unless they get therapy they will never change. I thought it was me that made him like that but the red flags were there straight away from the start. It's not your fault.
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Post by trixie5179 on Apr 9, 2017 15:22:27 GMT
I have to add that my avoidant ex was the opposite. Even though he was only very close to a couple people in his life, he had a big group of friends and he invited me along with them quite a bit. He and his friends made me feel very included, and like I belonged-- it was a great feeling. He also introduced me to his family and closest friend, and I could tell it meant a lot to him. These situations were very new to him, and at first, I could tell he did feel awkward (like socially awkward) with bringing around a girlfriend when he'd been single for almost 10 years prior. I could tell that he was really trying and was happy, although I think in this case, it all came to a head when he just felt emotionally exhausted and wanted to go back into his 'hiding place.' (i.e, just be single and solitary) The whole time we were together though, he was very loving and caring, but definitely not 'normal' in some ways. (at the time I thought he was just inexperienced and a bit awkward)
I'm just adding this because I think avoidants come in all types, with all different behaviors.
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Post by xyphosuran on Apr 10, 2017 8:50:04 GMT
So the first year or maybe 8 months my ex acted more like your description Trixie but after that it shifted with moments where he'd revert to the first year loving behavior. My ex too just got tired and wanted to go back to being alone and not sharing moving to some random state where he doesn't know anyone or have a job, just living on savings. More power to him!
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Post by Sam . on Apr 11, 2017 18:45:16 GMT
Yes, it was the same for me. At first I got introduced to people but as time went on it became less and less and it was only ever the 2 of us.
At the end of our 'relationship ' he actually said that I didn't know him and when he was ended it he said he felt hollow inside and I had left him feeling empty. I know that he wasn't like that because of me, avoidants have an emptiness at their core that will never be filled. And I know that no matter what I did or said the ending would have been the same. Throughout the whole time he went on about how all he wanted was his freedom and all he wanted was a fun easy relationship but the reason it wasn't good was because of him, not me. It's taken me quite a while to realise this and when I look back I see how truly awful he was and although he blamed me for everything, I didn't do anything wrong to him.
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Post by howpredictable on Apr 19, 2017 13:47:19 GMT
Wow. Some of these are virtually word-for-word recaps of how my relationship with an Avoidant man ended recently.
1) He said I really didn't "get" him.
2) He said he just wanted things to be easy.
3) He understood that he wasn't really comfortable in the relationship, that maybe he couldn't handle the closeness.
4) He knew he put up obstacles to getting closer.
5) He said that when we were still in the relationship, but didn't spend a lot of time together, that's when he was most happy. 6) He always said I was better than him, that he was dating "up". There was a lot of insecurity rippling under the surface.
We struggled together for a long time, trying to make it work. He was very loving the whole time, but he couldn't bring himself to spend more than the minimum amount of time together. And it wasn't enough to sustain me.... and that's despite the fact that I tend towards avoidant behaviour, myself.
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Post by Sam . on Apr 19, 2017 18:36:19 GMT
Hi, it's incredible isn't it when you read everyone's experiences how similar they are. My ex was the same, he told me he loved me every day but his actions and his treatment of me was appalling. I was bullied and abused by him. I think it's easy for people not in our situations to actually understand why we stayed so long, for me it was 4 years, but it happens so gradually you don't realise how bad it was until it's over.
You may find that you're not actually avoidant yourself as it's very very rare for 2 avoidants to even get together. It could be that you developed avoidant tendencies because of him. I started as a secure and turned slightly anxious and at the ended shut off from him and showed a few avoidant behaviours, but I'm definitely a secure.
The sad thing is that unless they get professional help they will never change, but you can now start to rebuild yourself again.
I found that reading books and this forum it helped me massively to resolve things in my head and move forward. I still have moments when I look back and can't believe what happened but I've learnt a lot and I'm now secure again!
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Post by trixie5179 on Apr 20, 2017 15:50:51 GMT
Wow. Some of these are virtually word-for-word recaps of how my relationship with an Avoidant man ended recently.
1) He said I really didn't "get" him.
2) He said he just wanted things to be easy.
3) He understood that he wasn't really comfortable in the relationship, that maybe he couldn't handle the closeness.
4) He knew he put up obstacles to getting closer.
5) He said that when we were still in the relationship, but didn't spend a lot of time together, that's when he was most happy. 6) He always said I was better than him, that he was dating "up". There was a lot of insecurity rippling under the surface.
We struggled together for a long time, trying to make it work. He was very loving the whole time, but he couldn't bring himself to spend more than the minimum amount of time together. And it wasn't enough to sustain me.... and that's despite the fact that I tend towards avoidant behaviour, myself.
This reminds me of my relationship with my avoidant ex-bf. While we were dating he referenced his last (and only other) relationship as being "emotionally exhausting" eventhough they were long distance and saw each other for a weekend every couple of months... When he said this it worried me, but I just chalked it up to their particular situation and maybe not being right for each other. My ex and I dated for over 4 months, and for the last couple of them began seeing each other 3 times a week usually. After seeing each other for 3 days in a row, he broke up with me and told me he was just "so exhausted" and could only be around people "every few days." At the time I didn't understand....and didn't understand why we couldn't just negotiate/work this out. He told me that he knew that even if we started seeing each other less often, we would reach a point where I'd want to spend more time together again. Looking back I can see that he knew he just couldn't maintain and progress the relationship. I spent months beating myself up over this, wondering if I was "needy" or "exhausting" (No, I was just in love!) or if maybe we would still be together if I was different. But after finding this board I've learned that it would've ended eventually, no matter what I did. |
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Post by howpredictable on Apr 20, 2017 20:56:53 GMT
Trixie5179, I had virtually the same conversation with my Ex. I now regret even trying to accommodate him like I did at the time, because it meant putting my own needs on a backburner to try to adjust to his. That was silly.
I see some of the posts on this Forum, where the left-behind (non-Avoidant) partner is asking whether the relationship might have lasted, or lasted longer, if they had simply agreed to cut back the time they spent with the Avoidant.
I can certainly understand those people wanting to ask those kinds of "what-if" questions. I did it, too. I know that I got so invested in trying to make it work that eventually I was willing to try anything. But ultimately I realized that my own needs and relationship tempo had to come first. If I want to see my boyfriend every day.... or 4x a week (or whatever), then that's what I want and that's what works for me. The solution was never for me to adjust my needs to accommodate his. The solution was to find a more compatible, non-Avoidant partner who was comfortable with the pace I liked, more or less. I don't know why I stayed so long trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
Hindsight is 20-20.
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Post by trixie5179 on Apr 20, 2017 22:03:54 GMT
Howpredictable,
Wow, yes I've beaten myself up over asking myself those very questions. And ya know, I think even if we had agreed to see each other just twice a week, later down the line, something else would've come up as an issue. Like maybe twice a week would become too much for him, etc. At the time of the breakup I just wanted to make it work, but part of me now is glad that he knew no matter what, it just wasn't going to work and he wasn't going to let a relationship happen. At the time I was so confused by all this, but now after time, hindsight definitely is 20-20!
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Post by gaynxious on Apr 20, 2017 23:07:34 GMT
At times I regret the concessions I did make toward the end. My ex demanded to be able to go out once a week, usually on the weekend, without me.Some in the gay community don't find this a big deal but every time he went out without me I felt hurt and dead inside. Even when I tried to go out on my own and have fun I was consumed with sadness. Even breaking down in the middle of a bar crying before going home. Then I would wait. He wouldn't respond to texts or calls. I tried to make him agree to check his phone more frequently when he went out without me but he said he simply couldn't remember to no matter how much he tried. Maybe I'm unusual in wanting to go out with my partner whenever they go out. But I regret doing something I knew would make me unhappy. The few weeks the concession may have kept us together wasn't worth it.
I like a metaphor I read recently. A relationship can be like going to vegas. It can be a lot of fun even if you lose more than you'd like, but the key is to know upfront just how much you are willing to lose before you stop. Because otherwise it's easy to let the chance of winning to drive you to lose more and more until you have nothing left. I was past my giving up point and I wish I could have seen it at the time.
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