jess92
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Post by jess92 on Aug 23, 2018 12:01:21 GMT
D-DayI'm feeling like I need to post here this morning because I'm already feeling some sort of concoction of possible nervousness about discussing attachment styles with my ex tonight, and what I think is just downright sadness that I'm moving tomorrow, because it signals 'the end' (probably more the latter) I've been feeling so positive for the last week or so, and although I haven't crumbled (yet) and retreated back into the sobbing mess that I was, I definitely feel a marked difference today. I know we all have 'down days' but I've got this awful feeling right in my chest and I'm just trying to work out the best way to settle myself and get back to the optimistic, adult Jess that is taking control of my own life and thoughts and reactions. Thinking out loud, I feel like I just need a virtual hug, hopefully from one/some of you lovely people... or in other words, a metaphorical kick up the arse. Hugs and love to you! How you are feeling makes sense. Sometimes I will feel calm and positive when I think there is hope of getting back together, and then abject grief when that hope dwindles. You don't have to feel great all the time. Maybe part of moving towards secure is about allowing ourselves to really feel our feelings yet not react automatically. Thank you@happyidiot . Funny that I was coincidentally quoting your post on another thread just as you responded to mine  I'm sure that's at least partially what it is. And the unknown; not necessarily the future as a whole, because of course we'll never know what the future holds. But even since the break-up, whilst we've both been living in the house together, I've known I'll see him in the morning, or after work and whilst I acknowledge the physical separation will be best for both of our healing, it's the thought that I actually don't know when I'll see him again. Will I bump into him at the gym? Will I see him at the supermarket? I wonder if he'll reach out to me to see how am I? How will I feel if/when that should happen? You're right and I bet I'll feel better tomorrow once I'm in my house but for now I'm trying to do just as you've said, allowing the thoughts to come and making a real conscious effort not to react as my AP style would usually. Thanks again for the hugs  Right back at you! |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2018 12:09:40 GMT
jess92 , what an awful feeling. to leave is sad, heavy. be brave, this too shall pass, your grief will include new insights, new hope, new tools for your future. the whole process will bear fruit for you, in spite of the pain. you've shown a lot of courage here, just keep it up. i'm sorry you're moving through this chapter- but a new chapter is coming.
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jess92
Junior Member
Posts: 50
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Post by jess92 on Aug 23, 2018 12:28:21 GMT
jess92 , what an awful feeling. to leave is sad, heavy. be brave, this too shall pass, your grief will include new insights, new hope, new tools for your future. the whole process will bear fruit for you, in spite of the pain. you've shown a lot of courage here, just keep it up. i'm sorry you're moving through this chapter- but a new chapter is coming. Thank you so much juniper , that's absolutely what I needed to hear! I read a post of yours the other day about various styles helping to heal one another and it's so true. It's such a great support network. To a new chapter |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2018 12:31:49 GMT
jess92 , what an awful feeling. to leave is sad, heavy. be brave, this too shall pass, your grief will include new insights, new hope, new tools for your future. the whole process will bear fruit for you, in spite of the pain. you've shown a lot of courage here, just keep it up. i'm sorry you're moving through this chapter- but a new chapter is coming. Thank you so much juniper , that's absolutely what I needed to hear! I read a post of yours the other day about various styles helping to heal one another and it's so true. It's such a great support network. To a new chapter absolutely. ive been on that threshold before, like you- the surreal state between what was and what will be. its scary, it's disorienting. But- today, take a minute to breathe deep and recognize what Is- the support you have, friends, the blessings you have, all the things that you might sometimes take for granted. they are like the bridge under your feet. Take a minute to celebrate the things that hold you up. 🌸 |
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jess92
Junior Member
Posts: 50
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Post by jess92 on Aug 23, 2018 14:53:50 GMT
Thank you so much juniper , that's absolutely what I needed to hear! I read a post of yours the other day about various styles helping to heal one another and it's so true. It's such a great support network. To a new chapter absolutely. ive been on that threshold before, like you- the surreal state between what was and what will be. its scary, it's disorienting. But- today, take a minute to breathe deep and recognize what Is- the support you have, friends, the blessings you have, all the things that you might sometimes take for granted. they are like the bridge under your feet. Take a minute to celebrate the things that hold you up. 🌸 Exactly! It's like a battle between the part of me that doesn't want to let go of what was, or what has been and the opposing part of me that is hopeful for the next step and learning and moving forward. A sort of strange limbo. Thank you for that. That's a great reminder actually, whatever change happens today, tomorrow, next week - the constant will be that 'bridge under my feet' of my family, friends and whole support network <3 |
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Post by epicgum on Aug 23, 2018 17:07:25 GMT
People seem to discover attachment theory in times of loss and crisis. I’d lay it out there without the diagnosis. You’re right. Only he can diagnose himself. But I would say that there are people who have been as ‘fucked up’ (his words) as him but have come out the other side, or in the very least have some awareness, and that sticking ones head in the sand just leads to repeating the same pattern with faster regularity, with the accompanying hurt and anguish on both sides. Good luck, and if he is FA, br prepared for the circling. It's so frustrating dealing with the pain, knowing that it could have been averted with just a little bit of knowledge. There really should be a high school class on it, it would save so much heartache, suicide, domestic violence, drug abuse, and lost productivity. |
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Post by epicgum on Aug 23, 2018 17:12:40 GMT
Hugs and love to you! How you are feeling makes sense. Sometimes I will feel calm and positive when I think there is hope of getting back together, and then abject grief when that hope dwindles. You don't have to feel great all the time. Maybe part of moving towards secure is about allowing ourselves to really feel our feelings yet not react automatically. Thank you@happyidiot . Funny that I was coincidentally quoting your post on another thread just as you responded to mine I'm sure that's at least partially what it is. And the unknown; not necessarily the future as a whole, because of course we'll never know what the future holds. But even since the break-up, whilst we've both been living in the house together, I've known I'll see him in the morning, or after work and whilst I acknowledge the physical separation will be best for both of our healing, it's the thought that I actually don't know when I'll see him again. Will I bump into him at the gym? Will I see him at the supermarket? I wonder if he'll reach out to me to see how am I? How will I feel if/when that should happen? You're right and I bet I'll feel better tomorrow once I'm in my house but for now I'm trying to do just as you've said, allowing the thoughts to come and making a real conscious effort not to react as my AP style would usually. Thanks again for the hugs Right back at you! HUG HUG HUG HUG! It's so funny, reading your posts when searching out info on FA-ness....we are virtual mirror images of each other, both enduring a breakup, both seeking answers learning attachment theory, both leaving an FA/AP pairing...only you are the AP and I am the FA...! |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 23, 2018 17:42:01 GMT
Good luck, Jess. It's going to be a difficult conversation and parting no matter how receptive he is to the content, but you'll be okay! You'll actually be better than okay because you're taking so many steps to heal yourself.
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jess92
Junior Member
Posts: 50
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Post by jess92 on Aug 23, 2018 20:22:27 GMT
Thank you@happyidiot . Funny that I was coincidentally quoting your post on another thread just as you responded to mine I'm sure that's at least partially what it is. And the unknown; not necessarily the future as a whole, because of course we'll never know what the future holds. But even since the break-up, whilst we've both been living in the house together, I've known I'll see him in the morning, or after work and whilst I acknowledge the physical separation will be best for both of our healing, it's the thought that I actually don't know when I'll see him again. Will I bump into him at the gym? Will I see him at the supermarket? I wonder if he'll reach out to me to see how am I? How will I feel if/when that should happen? You're right and I bet I'll feel better tomorrow once I'm in my house but for now I'm trying to do just as you've said, allowing the thoughts to come and making a real conscious effort not to react as my AP style would usually. Thanks again for the hugs Right back at you! HUG HUG HUG HUG! It's so funny, reading your posts when searching out info on FA-ness....we are virtual mirror images of each other, both enduring a breakup, both seeking answers learning attachment theory, both leaving an FA/AP pairing...only you are the AP and I am the FA...! Thank you! Very much appreciated it's amazing, the comfort that you can get just from speaking to people who are exploring the same learning and growth, regardless of our attachment types. It is indeed funny, and interesting that even though we're the 'opposites' in our respective relationships, we're both doing what our partners are not in terms of striving to adapt our attachment reactions . So it says a lot for the fact that we are actually so much more than our attachment styles! |
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jess92
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Posts: 50
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Post by jess92 on Aug 23, 2018 20:39:01 GMT
Good luck, Jess. It's going to be a difficult conversation and parting no matter how receptive he is to the content, but you'll be okay! You'll actually be better than okay because you're taking so many steps to heal yourself. Thanks Alexandra. It really was difficult, although I eventually got into the flow of explaining what I'd learnt about myself, I was quite slow to start. It's not really one of those things that rolls off the tongue easy is it? As for him being receptive, he started off by saying it was "mumbo jumbo" so I was already fighting a losing battle. Whilst he did say he was pleased that I'd decided to work on myself, and he did listen to everything I was saying, he's just resolved to remaining as he is. He's said that I have always been an "over thinker" and like reading into things, where as he doesn't want to start picking apart why he is the way he is although he knows that there is "something wrong with him". Of course I reiterated that he doesn't need to think like that, and it might help him just to read something, even just to have a small amount of understanding. I finished up by apologising for any input that my AP tendencies had on pressuring him at any point, and his decision to end the relationship but I've realised that I am the only person that can change the way I am, and so I'm going to work on myself. I wanted to give him the opportunity to explore himself, if he doesn't want to take it then he's only going to cause himself more hurt in the future I imagine. Whilst I did feel sad afterwards, and had to take a few moments throughout our talk to compose myself (not that he noticed), I actually feel really empowered now, I'm doing this for me. Thank you to everyone that has given me advice, support and hugs. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 23, 2018 21:16:37 GMT
I'm proud of you for speaking up for yourself. Hopefully you'll start to feel like you don't have anything left to say to him and that you did the best you could to help him without overstepping, and it will position you for closure and moving on.
I'm not at all surprised about his response. He's not ready to think about it and do the hard work. If he was ready to face his issues, he'd have not just folded on you and messaged other women. That's a cowardly way out. I think zero contact for a minimum of a few months will be great for you both.
(And for anyone who didn't read the other threads, I'm not saying if someone decides they don't want to be with someone it's their fault and they are a coward, but he's got very serious problems other than the OP that he's ignoring, to his own detriment.)
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jess92
Junior Member
Posts: 50
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Post by jess92 on Aug 25, 2018 19:04:52 GMT
I'm proud of you for speaking up for yourself. Hopefully you'll start to feel like you don't have anything left to say to him and that you did the best you could to help him without overstepping, and it will position you for closure and moving on. I'm not at all surprised about his response. He's not ready to think about it and do the hard work. If he was ready to face his issues, he'd have not just folded on you and messaged other women. That's a cowardly way out. I think zero contact for a minimum of a few months will be great for you both. (And for anyone who didn't read the other threads, I'm not saying if someone decides they don't want to be with someone it's their fault and they are a coward, but he's got very serious problems other than the OP that he's ignoring, to his own detriment.) Thank you! Apologies for the delayed reply, I've been without internet for a day - the longest time away from the forum since I started  I hope all is well with you I'm sure my moods will change and be up and down (admittedly shed just a couple of tears today) but on the whole, I really don't think there is anything more I could or should say to him on the matter. The ball is in his court now if he wants to do anything about his own attachment, and other problems. I definitely agree. He did actually message me this morning to see how the move went, which I am grateful for and did respond but I will be keeping quiet from here on out. How do you (or others, if reading) deal with NC if the other person reaches out to you? Would you just ignore it? |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 25, 2018 20:22:39 GMT
How do you (or others, if reading) deal with NC if the other person reaches out to you? Would you just ignore it? I wouldn't just ignore it unless I told him in advance I was going to... at this point, I'd probably be receptive but chilly and very short. If he has something to say he can say it, as he never shut me down if I had a reason to reach out (well, aside from going into the silent treatment to delay things by a few weeks, but he still always heard me out).
Hasn't come up again since I pushed him away the last time, though... I haven't heard a thing since I rejected the start of the new friendship cycle. I'm not sure if it's because he learned his lesson when he was so disrespectful of my space after breakup #1 which resulted in me blocking him for a long time or if it's because I was brief, pointed, and critical of him (though not unkindly or unfairly), and it really upset him. Or neither. It doesn't matter, I can't know if I'm not speaking to him about it, but my point is just that I haven't had to test my NC behaviors since coming to full understanding of all the attachment stuff on both ends or think much about it because he's not reaching out anymore.
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jess92
Junior Member
Posts: 50
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Post by jess92 on Aug 26, 2018 21:33:10 GMT
How do you (or others, if reading) deal with NC if the other person reaches out to you? Would you just ignore it? I wouldn't just ignore it unless I told him in advance I was going to... at this point, I'd probably be receptive but chilly and very short. If he has something to say he can say it, as he never shut me down if I had a reason to reach out (well, aside from going into the silent treatment to delay things by a few weeks, but he still always heard me out).
Hasn't come up again since I pushed him away the last time, though... I haven't heard a thing since I rejected the start of the new friendship cycle. I'm not sure if it's because he learned his lesson when he was so disrespectful of my space after breakup #1 which resulted in me blocking him for a long time or if it's because I was brief, pointed, and critical of him (though not unkindly or unfairly), and it really upset him. Or neither. It doesn't matter, I can't know if I'm not speaking to him about it, but my point is just that I haven't had to test my NC behaviors since coming to full understanding of all the attachment stuff on both ends or think much about it because he's not reaching out anymore.
That makes a little more sense, thanks for clarifying. I did actually have to pop back to the house today as I'd left my iPad, of all things - couldn't do without it unfortunately. But it was very short, in and out and I know now I have no reason to initiate contact at all. Yeah I see what you mean - it could be one of a number of things as to why he hasn't reached out to you again, but you've got such a good attitude towards it in just saying that it doesn't matter seeing as you can't and won't know because you're not talking to him. I'm sure for me, the weeks and months will pass by and it will get easier to not think about him and what he's doing etc. Still feeling positive on the whole, and hope it continues. Thank you <3 |
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Post by epicgum on Aug 30, 2018 5:31:45 GMT
People seem to discover attachment theory in times of loss and crisis. I’d lay it out there without the diagnosis. You’re right. Only he can diagnose himself. But I would say that there are people who have been as ‘fucked up’ (his words) as him but have come out the other side, or in the very least have some awareness, and that sticking ones head in the sand just leads to repeating the same pattern with faster regularity, with the accompanying hurt and anguish on both sides. Good luck, and if he is FA, br prepared for the circling. I gotta say...yes, people tend to understand attachment theory after crisis...but there's no real reason this has to be the case. This could easily be taught in school so that other people dont have to suffer like this. |
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Right back at you!
I hope all is well with you