jess92
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Post by jess92 on Aug 20, 2018 10:21:29 GMT
I'm due to move out of the house I share with my possible FA ex boyfriend, at the end of this week. Although it's been a tough break-up so far, I am trying to remain optimistic with the intention of working through my own AP attachment triggers and behaviours (with special thanks to all of the lovely members that have given me advice so far!)
For the last few days, I've been toying with the idea as to whether I should have one final 'chat' with my ex prior to me moving. I don't want to pressure him in any way, and I'm not at all considering discussing a reunion, or that I want him to change his mind. What I would really like to do, is just briefly share with him the learning I have done over the last few weeks, and my intentions for healing myself and working towards a secure attachment style. I don't want to be blunt with him, and suggest that I believe he's an FA - that's something I think he needs to work out for himself... but I do obviously still really care for him (and love him) and it saddens me that it is possibly our attachment styles that have resulted in our breakup. Ultimately I wish him happiness, whether it's with someone else, or whether there is a chance for us again in the future, and I'd just like him to understand that he isn't 'broken' or 'fucked up', as he puts it himself, but actually there are a lot of us out there with these insecure styles and it can be changed. I just feel like he's almost given up on himself, whilst it's not my issues or trauma to resolve, I almost wish there had been someone to 'guide' me to really look into attachment styles years ago.
So, I guess I just wanted to gauge thoughts of others, whether you're secure, AP, FA or DA. Of course, I think it's a good idea and that it comes from a good place in that I want him to understand himself more, but maybe this is just my 'AP' head thinking. Is it actually a bad idea and would he only feel more pressure in me even suggesting that he do some reading and research himself?
If only we were given an 'idiots guide' for life?!
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Post by mrob on Aug 20, 2018 12:59:48 GMT
People seem to discover attachment theory in times of loss and crisis.
I’d lay it out there without the diagnosis. You’re right. Only he can diagnose himself. But I would say that there are people who have been as ‘fucked up’ (his words) as him but have come out the other side, or in the very least have some awareness, and that sticking ones head in the sand just leads to repeating the same pattern with faster regularity, with the accompanying hurt and anguish on both sides.
Good luck, and if he is FA, br prepared for the circling.
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jess92
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Post by jess92 on Aug 20, 2018 13:23:13 GMT
People seem to discover attachment theory in times of loss and crisis. I’d lay it out there without the diagnosis. You’re right. Only he can diagnose himself. But I would say that there are people who have been as ‘fucked up’ (his words) as him but have come out the other side, or in the very least have some awareness, and that sticking ones head in the sand just leads to repeating the same pattern with faster regularity, with the accompanying hurt and anguish on both sides. Good luck, and if he is FA, br prepared for the circling. That certainly seems to be the case! I guess it's spurred on by seemingly unexplained loss, or reactions to loss and looking for answers. Although my ex seems to have the mindset that he is the way he is, and like you have said, burying his head in the sand ... so I very much doubt he'd stumble across it on his own. He seems to have been repeating the pattern for years, from what I can gather and have been told by him, so any nudge I can give him in the right direction I hope would be helpful. Thanks very much mrob. I'm sure we'll cross paths on the forum again sometime  |
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Post by lilyg on Aug 20, 2018 13:37:07 GMT
Hi! This resonates with me… when my BF broke up with me he told me the same things about himself. I honeslty told him about attachment styles because he was aware something was wrong but couldn't put his finger on it, and he felt very bad about this all. I did it in a non-confrontational way: 'Hey, you know you're not 'fucked up'. I've been trying to understand what's going on and I think you may have this attachment style. You can search for it, it's pretty common and I think reading about it might help you. It has helped me to understand myself and helped me see how I can grow too. You deserve all the happiness and love in the world, you can have a good relationship. You're not broken. Take care.' Then we stopped talking until we were ready to talk about this and see if we could work on this. It was enlightening for both of us. But yeah, I'm a very blunt person. I think that if it comes from a place of love, without judging, is all good. I talked with a friend about his own attachment too when I saw him very distressed and sad about a recent relationship that was very toxic, and he later told me that learning about attachment styles was the most positive thing that happened to him this year (I told him to read about it and he made his own conclusions).
So.. I'd tell him about it but let him search for everything when he's ready, and let him work on himself. Do not push him or contact him later to talk about this.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2018 13:52:18 GMT
when my partner and i found ourselves unable to continue at one point, and i had just begun work with attachment theory, i sent him a link in respect and kindness because i share the same issues- it was meant as a thoughtful acknowledgement of my own issues . he was appreciative. i continue to share with him, but only about what i am learning. and healing in myself. i have a clear boundary around trying to influence his process, and maybe that's because i am highly independent and autonomous myself as a dismissive. i think it can be done gently and respectfully |
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jess92
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Post by jess92 on Aug 20, 2018 15:57:13 GMT
Hi! This resonates with me… when my BF broke up with me he told me the same things about himself. I honeslty told him about attachment styles because he was aware something was wrong but couldn't put his finger on it, and he felt very bad about this all. I did it in a non-confrontational way: 'Hey, you know you're not 'fucked up'. I've been trying to understand what's going on and I think you may have this attachment style. You can search for it, it's pretty common and I think reading about it might help you. It has helped me to understand myself and helped me see how I can grow too. You deserve all the happiness and love in the world, you can have a good relationship. You're not broken. Take care.' Then we stopped talking until we were ready to talk about this and see if we could work on this. It was enlightening for both of us. But yeah, I'm a very blunt person. I think that if it comes from a place of love, without judging, is all good. I talked with a friend about his own attachment too when I saw him very distressed and sad about a recent relationship that was very toxic, and he later told me that learning about attachment styles was the most positive thing that happened to him this year (I told him to read about it and he made his own conclusions). So.. I'd tell him about it but let him search for everything when he's ready, and let him work on himself. Do not push him or contact him later to talk about this. Thanks lilyg - it sounds like things worked out for you eventually which is great! That's exactly what my ex has said - he feels like there is something wrong and/or missing and he knows it's with him, but he just doesn't know what. I'll definitely be gentle with him, and really just offer him the information on how can discover what may be going on, and find tools to heal himself. Really lovely speech that you gave your boyfriend, I'll definitely be using it as inspiration for mine. Although I think we'll likely end up speaking/seeing each other at some point after my move, if not only because we share the same friends and he's best friends with my cousin, I am going to give NC (directly) a good go to begin with as I have come to realise that if he is FA, space is what he needs right now and if he reaches out to me, then it's his decision. when my partner and i found ourselves unable to continue at one point, and i had just begun work with attachment theory, i sent him a link in respect and kindness because i share the same issues- it was meant as a thoughtful acknowledgement of my own issues . he was appreciative. i continue to share with him, but only about what i am learning. and healing in myself. i have a clear boundary around trying to influence his process, and maybe that's because i am highly independent and autonomous myself as a dismissive. i think it can be done gently and respectfully Yes absolutely - that's pretty much hit the nail on the head with how I'd like to approach things juniper. I think it will be better received if I let him know that actually the research/reading and work I'm now embarking on is for me (granted it started because I was trying to figure him out) and that I truly believe I can develop and change my attachment style, which may in turn help him to see that if he so wants to, he can also work on himself. I've definitely felt in a much better place myself over the last few weeks, from using this forum and reading other articles so I'm sure I can speak with him about this as an adult, and not let my 'AP child' takeover. Thanks again |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2018 16:13:10 GMT
well done!
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Post by lilyg on Aug 20, 2018 16:39:15 GMT
Hi! This resonates with me… when my BF broke up with me he told me the same things about himself. I honeslty told him about attachment styles because he was aware something was wrong but couldn't put his finger on it, and he felt very bad about this all. I did it in a non-confrontational way: 'Hey, you know you're not 'fucked up'. I've been trying to understand what's going on and I think you may have this attachment style. You can search for it, it's pretty common and I think reading about it might help you. It has helped me to understand myself and helped me see how I can grow too. You deserve all the happiness and love in the world, you can have a good relationship. You're not broken. Take care.' Then we stopped talking until we were ready to talk about this and see if we could work on this. It was enlightening for both of us. But yeah, I'm a very blunt person. I think that if it comes from a place of love, without judging, is all good. I talked with a friend about his own attachment too when I saw him very distressed and sad about a recent relationship that was very toxic, and he later told me that learning about attachment styles was the most positive thing that happened to him this year (I told him to read about it and he made his own conclusions). So.. I'd tell him about it but let him search for everything when he's ready, and let him work on himself. Do not push him or contact him later to talk about this. Thanks lilyg - it sounds like things worked out for you eventually which is great! That's exactly what my ex has said - he feels like there is something wrong and/or missing and he knows it's with him, but he just doesn't know what. I'll definitely be gentle with him, and really just offer him the information on how can discover what may be going on, and find tools to heal himself. Really lovely speech that you gave your boyfriend, I'll definitely be using it as inspiration for mine. Although I think we'll likely end up speaking/seeing each other at some point after my move, if not only because we share the same friends and he's best friends with my cousin, I am going to give NC (directly) a good go to begin with as I have come to realise that if he is FA, space is what he needs right now and if he reaches out to me, then it's his decision. Right know it is working beautifully. We talk a lot about things, I'm just trying to be myself and he's being amazing and very supportive (I dealt with a bit of insecurity when we got back together because well, he broke up with me… I asked him to please be patient and he has. Now I feel very secure again). Frankly, even if he says he's bad at talking about his feelings, he's very careful with mine, so I trust him a lot. Yes, I think it helped because he was aware something was going on, and he's been very mature about everything. He understands a lot of things from his past, and I'm very happy. Of course I love that we're together again, but even if this doesn't work out in the end, we both can honestly say this relationship has helped us grow and become more aware about ourselves. So well, try talking with him kindly, and yes, do NC. It'll help you so much to be at peace. The most important thing right now is to take care of yourself and to work on yourself. That's the only thing we can control . One last thing: even if he reaches you, be aware that this will not be enough to get back together. Take this NC period to think about what you need right know in order to have a good, lasting relationship. Please take care! I know it's difficult to leave someone when you're living with him, but... I guess life always put everything into place. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 20, 2018 19:23:54 GMT
The way I approached it was to not blindside him. I told him I had a couple things to say now that everything had calmed down when we were going to see each other anyway. He didn't know what about exactly but knew it involved the breakup/relationship. He was definitely defensive and reluctant going into it, but he always is due to his own issues (he admits this). Still, he showed up and he stayed in it because I remained totally calm and didn't drag out the conversation.
So I started from hey, let me tell you this about me, and talked about a couple AP behaviors over the years that I knew had confused him in the moments they happened, what was actually going on with me, and the easiest way to deescalate them (ie at that moment in time when I was unable to communicate effectively, I needed this). I figured, if I started from a point of taking responsibility and being vulnerable, then he wouldn't feel attacked/blamed and it would reflect that I'd put a lot of fair thought and positive intent in. I then told him I'd worked through a lot of it since the first breakup and was showing up earned secure and that it made a huge difference for us. Finally, I knew he was still waiting for me to "attack" him for the breakup, so all I could do was say by the way, fearful avoidant is also a style, you should consider looking it up. And that's it, he cringed but wasn't angry, just defensively closed off, and I left it at that.
Has any of it helped? Probably not yet, if it will at all (this just happened weeks ago, but I'm also not engaging with him right now). He's not an emotionally mature person at this point in his life, but he's also still young enough to get away with it a bit longer. He said a lot that indicated he thinks like your guy, that it's totally out of his control and just who he is. I think it would have sunk in more and faster if I'd been the one dumping him, honestly. But I also know he respects my opinions and has told me in the past that more people should listen to me because I'm really insightful, so it seemed worth a try.
The one other thing I'd suggest considering is what you said in your other thread. Your secure ex thought he told you something about AP, and at the time, you didn't hear it (I assume, because you don't remember it). You think it would have been a relief if someone told you about attachment styles earlier, but would you have been ready to hear it? What approach might have reached you back then?
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jess92
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Post by jess92 on Aug 20, 2018 20:10:27 GMT
Thanks lilyg - it sounds like things worked out for you eventually which is great! That's exactly what my ex has said - he feels like there is something wrong and/or missing and he knows it's with him, but he just doesn't know what. I'll definitely be gentle with him, and really just offer him the information on how can discover what may be going on, and find tools to heal himself. Really lovely speech that you gave your boyfriend, I'll definitely be using it as inspiration for mine. Although I think we'll likely end up speaking/seeing each other at some point after my move, if not only because we share the same friends and he's best friends with my cousin, I am going to give NC (directly) a good go to begin with as I have come to realise that if he is FA, space is what he needs right now and if he reaches out to me, then it's his decision. Right know it is working beautifully. We talk a lot about things, I'm just trying to be myself and he's being amazing and very supportive (I dealt with a bit of insecurity when we got back together because well, he broke up with me… I asked him to please be patient and he has. Now I feel very secure again). Frankly, even if he says he's bad at talking about his feelings, he's very careful with mine, so I trust him a lot. Yes, I think it helped because he was aware something was going on, and he's been very mature about everything. He understands a lot of things from his past, and I'm very happy. Of course I love that we're together again, but even if this doesn't work out in the end, we both can honestly say this relationship has helped us grow and become more aware about ourselves. So well, try talking with him kindly, and yes, do NC. It'll help you so much to be at peace. The most important thing right now is to take care of yourself and to work on yourself. That's the only thing we can control . One last thing: even if he reaches you, be aware that this will not be enough to get back together. Take this NC period to think about what you need right know in order to have a good, lasting relationship. Please take care! I know it's difficult to leave someone when you're living with him, but... I guess life always put everything into place. I can imagine you would have felt a little uneasy in getting back together, as you say, given that he'd broken up with you previously. But it's really positive that you have been able to work through things and reach a good compromise in terms of opening up etc. Absolutely! That's such a good attitude to have isn't it, and most days, that's how I feel too. If things do ever work out with me and my ex again, after we've worked things out on our own, then it could be so good, but if it doesn't, then there will have been things learnt and growth. I also agree with your comment regarding him reaching out or circling (if it were to happen), for my own wellbeing and happiness I don't think I could even contemplate rekindling unless I knew he had looked at or started working on himself, whilst I have been doing the same. Thanks again lilyg - you've been a real help and I wish you lots of luck with your relationship too. |
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jess92
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Post by jess92 on Aug 20, 2018 20:28:31 GMT
The way I approached it was to not blindside him. I told him I had a couple things to say now that everything had calmed down when we were going to see each other anyway. He didn't know what about exactly but knew it involved the breakup/relationship. He was definitely defensive and reluctant going into it, but he always is due to his own issues (he admits this). Still, he showed up and he stayed in it because I remained totally calm and didn't drag out the conversation. So I started from hey, let me tell you this about me, and talked about a couple AP behaviors over the years that I knew had confused him in the moments they happened, what was actually going on with me, and the easiest way to deescalate them (ie at that moment in time when I was unable to communicate effectively, I needed this). I figured, if I started from a point of taking responsibility and being vulnerable, then he wouldn't feel attacked/blamed and it would reflect that I'd put a lot of fair thought and positive intent in. I then told him I'd worked through a lot of it since the first breakup and was showing up earned secure and that it made a huge difference for us. Finally, I knew he was still waiting for me to "attack" him for the breakup, so all I could do was say by the way, fearful avoidant is also a style, you should consider looking it up. And that's it, he cringed but wasn't angry, just defensively closed off, and I left it at that. Has any of it helped? Probably not yet, if it will at all (this just happened weeks ago, but I'm also not engaging with him right now). He's not an emotionally mature person at this point in his life, but he's also still young enough to get away with it a bit longer. He said a lot that indicated he thinks like your guy, that it's totally out of his control and just who he is. I think it would have sunk in more and faster if I'd been the one dumping him, honestly. But I also know he respects my opinions and has told me in the past that more people should listen to me because I'm really insightful, so it seemed worth a try. The one other thing I'd suggest considering is what you said in your other thread. Your secure ex thought he told you something about AP, and at the time, you didn't hear it (I assume, because you don't remember it). You think it would have been a relief if someone told you about attachment styles earlier, but would you have been ready to hear it? What approach might have reached you back then? That's a good approach - I think I will let him know that I'd just like to say a few things prior to leaving and see if he's happy to listen. He is aware I've been reading a lot and on forums because he's asked me, although he hasn't queried what they're about. I think that would be the key for me too, being as calm and concise as possible, unless he is interested and asks any questions. I do feel that I should be taking responsibility too. Certainly when we've had discussions since the break-up (not related to attachment styles of course), they have been very emotionally charged from my perspective and that's one thing that I owe him an apology for, as I'm sure that will have exasperated his 'push' response. And I really do mean it when I say that I'm spending so much time reading and learning about attachment styles for myself, as opposed to just for him so it is more of a "oh, I thought this might help you too..." rather than a "I want to solve all your problems for you". It's a tough one to call isn't it. Perhaps it won't have an immediate effect with your ex or mine, but if they get stuck in this cycle going back and forth, surely eventually they will want answers for themselves? But then I'm speaking for what I want, and despite reading about FA attachment styles, we'll never really know how their minds are wired. Yes, I can see what you mean in terms of it sinking in faster had he been the 'dumpee' as I imagine he wouldn't have been at the 'push' stage with you, had the shoe been on the other foot. You certainly seem very insightful to me Speaking of your insight.... again, I hadn't though about your last suggestion so thank you. I do wonder what might have reached me back then. Whilst I don't remember him making comments to me, I know when we discussed it this week, he said that he hadn't actually heard of the four attachment styles but that he had told me I had 'Daddy Issues' - so perhaps I just took a disliking to the way he'd presented it to me. He's a good person, he didn't mean it out of spite, and I know I have 'Daddy Issues' but I guess people will only hear what they want to hear sometimes. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 20, 2018 20:48:08 GMT
It's a tough one to call isn't it. Perhaps it won't have an immediate effect with your ex or mine, but if they get stuck in this cycle going back and forth, surely eventually they will want answers for themselves? But then I'm speaking for what I want, and despite reading about FA attachment styles, we'll never really know how their minds are wired. Not necessarily. I think that the desire for self improvement and taking control of your own happiness is about much more than attachment styles. Some people are open to change or curious to have answers, some never want either. I've seen it go either way over the years. |
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Post by lilyg on Aug 21, 2018 9:37:22 GMT
Right know it is working beautifully. We talk a lot about things, I'm just trying to be myself and he's being amazing and very supportive (I dealt with a bit of insecurity when we got back together because well, he broke up with me… I asked him to please be patient and he has. Now I feel very secure again). Frankly, even if he says he's bad at talking about his feelings, he's very careful with mine, so I trust him a lot. Yes, I think it helped because he was aware something was going on, and he's been very mature about everything. He understands a lot of things from his past, and I'm very happy. Of course I love that we're together again, but even if this doesn't work out in the end, we both can honestly say this relationship has helped us grow and become more aware about ourselves. So well, try talking with him kindly, and yes, do NC. It'll help you so much to be at peace. The most important thing right now is to take care of yourself and to work on yourself. That's the only thing we can control . One last thing: even if he reaches you, be aware that this will not be enough to get back together. Take this NC period to think about what you need right know in order to have a good, lasting relationship. Please take care! I know it's difficult to leave someone when you're living with him, but... I guess life always put everything into place. I can imagine you would have felt a little uneasy in getting back together, as you say, given that he'd broken up with you previously. But it's really positive that you have been able to work through things and reach a good compromise in terms of opening up etc. Absolutely! That's such a good attitude to have isn't it, and most days, that's how I feel too. If things do ever work out with me and my ex again, after we've worked things out on our own, then it could be so good, but if it doesn't, then there will have been things learnt and growth. I also agree with your comment regarding him reaching out or circling (if it were to happen), for my own wellbeing and happiness I don't think I could even contemplate rekindling unless I knew he had looked at or started working on himself, whilst I have been doing the same. Thanks again lilyg - you've been a real help and I wish you lots of luck with your relationship too. All the best for you too Let us know with what happens! |
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jess92
Junior Member
Posts: 50
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Post by jess92 on Aug 23, 2018 7:29:17 GMT
D-Day
I'm feeling like I need to post here this morning because I'm already feeling some sort of concoction of possible nervousness about discussing attachment styles with my ex tonight, and what I think is just downright sadness that I'm moving tomorrow, because it signals 'the end' (probably more the latter)
I've been feeling so positive for the last week or so, and although I haven't crumbled (yet) and retreated back into the sobbing mess that I was, I definitely feel a marked difference today. I know we all have 'down days' but I've got this awful feeling right in my chest and I'm just trying to work out the best way to settle myself and get back to the optimistic, adult Jess that is taking control of my own life and thoughts and reactions.
Thinking out loud, I feel like I just need a virtual hug, hopefully from one/some of you lovely people... or in other words, a metaphorical kick up the arse.
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 23, 2018 11:01:25 GMT
D-DayI'm feeling like I need to post here this morning because I'm already feeling some sort of concoction of possible nervousness about discussing attachment styles with my ex tonight, and what I think is just downright sadness that I'm moving tomorrow, because it signals 'the end' (probably more the latter) I've been feeling so positive for the last week or so, and although I haven't crumbled (yet) and retreated back into the sobbing mess that I was, I definitely feel a marked difference today. I know we all have 'down days' but I've got this awful feeling right in my chest and I'm just trying to work out the best way to settle myself and get back to the optimistic, adult Jess that is taking control of my own life and thoughts and reactions. Thinking out loud, I feel like I just need a virtual hug, hopefully from one/some of you lovely people... or in other words, a metaphorical kick up the arse. Hugs and love to you! How you are feeling makes sense. Sometimes I will feel calm and positive when I think there is hope of getting back together, and then abject grief when that hope dwindles. You don't have to feel great all the time. Maybe part of moving towards secure is about allowing ourselves to really feel our feelings yet not react automatically. |
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