AP stuckness & (mis)understanding of attachment theory?

and, i am truly happy if my post inspired an authentic response in you that is empowered! I don't craft a response to get a reaction, even if i am aware that my response may be challenging.

I view everyone here as worthy, and sincere in their attempts to understand and heal their attachment wounds. we've all been devastated. to hear someone speaking in their authentic voice feeling empowered and with their dignity intact is exactly what i hope to inspire when i offer the advice "Be authentic. Say what you mean, and what you feel, and what you need.". That's exactly it. i'd love every poster here to be able to have the fearlessness to approach their partners the same way, with the same self love, self respect, and dignity. Because it's true and real and powerful.

I know, because i have done it for myself, and i no longer suffer in my own silence and complicity.

yes, i think so!
this is a difference between the types that leads to friction for sure. good observation goldilocks!

For sure, juniper. I totally hear you. I didn't attribute any negative intentions to you, and I know you've been supportive and candid all along. I was explicit about all of this in my post. I was just being honest about my emotional reaction and giving you some feedback about what did and did not feel helpful to me (helpful: pointing out the dynamic, not helpful: expressing astonishment at my pace and way of learning). It is really important for people of all attachment styles to understand that hurt can come up without intention to harm, and in fact that that's by far the most common situation where hurt comes up. It is good for me to practise telling my emotional truth without worrying whether I'm 'allowed' to feel that way, as long as I'm not placing responsibility or blame on others for how I feel. And I also think it is good for everyone to be open to learning and reflecting about the ways their words are received, which might be different from their intentions. We are in a public forum so I have no wish for you to adjust your communication based on my reactions (that would make no sense!). But if this were a friendship or dating situation, I would probably try to make a specific request of you and be alert to your level of receptiveness to that, to decide how far I should go with the friendship or dating situation. I'm saying this because it is all practice and learning for future relationships of all kinds. I do think that given the subject matter of these boards, we can bump up against each other in unusually sensitive and often illuminating ways.

Also, my post was not in response to the article you shared, which I hadn't read yet (still haven't had a chance). Could have quoted you to be more clear. I will check it out for sure - thanks for sharing resources!

I think so too. That is why it is so important for everyone to check out their assumptions through direct communications and be open to learning that others' psychology may be radically different from their own. And also to come forward with their own needs if it seems that another person doesn't get them or is ignoring them.

It often doesn't work (and could backfire) to treat others the way you would want to be treated. 

I do tend to try to anticipate others' needs. It is such a strength to deeply consider others' needs and prioritize them alongside one's own, but not to assume what they are by projecting one's own needs and preferences onto the other. 

and i love it!!
🌸

Understood..I was just providing an example of the experience....not trying to suggest that it cannot be altered.

YES. But I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that even if it is true that your ex acted based on her triggers as opposed to not having feelings, it doesn't mean you can meet each other's needs. While it's easy for me to obsess over whether or not I am just obsessing over attachment theory, instead I am trying to realize that, attachment issues or not, my ex is simply not in a place where he feels I am the right person for him and there is no rational indication that he will be in the foreseeable future, and that is all that really matters. Love isn't logical, so why does it mean anything if the breakup wasn't explained in a logical way? My ex told me that his decision to break up with me was not logical and very hard to explain, as it was just based on a feeling. That feeling is real, and so far it has lasted, even if it may have been a feeling born of avoidance. I think that we can often overlook the possibility that with an avoidant person, even when they may be rejecting you out of fear of closeness or whatever, it may be completely unconscious and they may straight up lose their feelings for you or feel like they never had any. It would be easy for me to imagine my FA ex knew he was acting against his feelings for me and sabotaging things out of fear, but having had further discussion with him and talked to a psychologist a bit I do not think that was the case, and I don't think it is generally the case. The psychologist said to me that when someone's avoidant tendencies are triggered they can often be completely unaware that that is what is going on and they just feel strongly "I don't want to be with this person!" If someone doesn't want to be with you it doesn't matter much why. I have left people I was still totally in love with because I wasn't happy. Also, APs can be triggered and have no self-insight as to why we are feeling what we are feeling too, it's not specific to FAs/DAs, it's just that we probably won't leave someone over the feelings that are triggered, we'll do other things (like cling or push).

Attachment theory is helpful for me to reconcile my perception that my ex did share my feelings with the mystery and pain of being suddenly dumped. It's nice to be able to have compassion for him and believe that he is a good person who was not doing anything deliberately misleading. It's nicer than thinking he never had any feelings for me and just acted like he did.

How to get unstuck, now that's something I still need to figure out right now too. Deep down, do you really want to be unstuck? Did you feel just as stuck during the whole time you were apart, or did you just re-fixate on her when you became friends?