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Post by epicgum on Aug 21, 2018 13:13:58 GMT
Wondering, what are other avoidants experience with pornography? I always realized that I habitually used pornography to cope, but now (post-breakup) learning more about the nature of addiction and attachment I realize both that it is a low level addiction and also possibly a deactivating strategy.
What is your experience?
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2018 14:07:53 GMT
Wondering, what are other avoidants experience with pornography? I always realized that I habitually used pornography to cope, but now (post-breakup) learning more about the nature of addiction and attachment I realize both that it is a low level addiction and also possibly a deactivating strategy. What is your experience? i don't have an issue with pornography in a relationshp, but i have been involved with men who used it, i believe , as a deactivation strategy- i believe one of my partners was FA, as i learn more. I could definitely sympathize and understand how the carnal aspect of sex would feel both safer and addictive to an avoidant. My partner and i were for a long time unable to share emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy at the same time, in conjunction. so it would be really raw, fun, sexy hot sex followed by sweetness, physical intimate touch in the form of snuggling and holding hands, and then some deactivation for a couple of days and a return to emotional intimacy, after mild deactivation. Over time we were better able to integrate the whole picture of intimacy. there are a lot of neurochemicals and hormones involved in the human sexual/romantic experience, and when we have insecure attachment styles i believe the brain and body still try to find a balance, put the pieces together, to have a complete experience. So we reach for the things our partner can't give us, or what we can't give ourselves. We take substitutes. there's probably a lot of science and biology behind it, and a compassionate view of it would be helpful so that the emotional and physiological needs can be understood and addressed in a healthy, life-enhancing way. My partner and i have both struggled , in our lives, with detrimental sex that instead of leaving one feeling safe, connected, and peaceful, led to alienation, shame, and emotional dejection. We have walked through a process together of unraveling that, and discarding what's regressive and painful, while opening up to more intimate forms of sexuality. |
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 21, 2018 20:30:53 GMT
I don't watch or read it too often, but I like to write porn stories with love interests.
Having a vivid imagination, I like the same in a partner.
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Post by leavethelighton on Aug 21, 2018 23:39:01 GMT
No.... maybe less likely for women? But my fantasy life is avid/creative enough that I've never been drawn to pornography. Sometimes I think it would be fun to write, but haven't really done it.
I do think that there are a lot of people who use pornography as a form of fantasy in a way that detracts from actual relationships. Maybe fantasy isn't superior though? Hmmm.
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Post by Epicgum1 on Aug 22, 2018 1:53:16 GMT
No.... maybe less likely for women? But my fantasy life is avid/creative enough that I've never been drawn to pornography. Sometimes I think it would be fun to write, but haven't really done it. I do think that there are a lot of people who use pornography as a form of fantasy in a way that detracts from actual relationships. Maybe fantasy isn't superior though? Hmmm. Yeah, I think pornography effects men slightly differently. It has definitely helped to give me ideas for sexual activities and informed fantasies, but it has such an intense draw that it can supplant the desire for actual sex. Watching porn, especially the way I did it and I think most guys do it, looking at image after image after image for hours...it does give you stimulation much like a drug or sugar or something. |
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Post by kittygirl on Feb 20, 2020 15:54:42 GMT
Wondering, what are other avoidants experience with pornography? I always realized that I habitually used pornography to cope, but now (post-breakup) learning more about the nature of addiction and attachment I realize both that it is a low level addiction and also possibly a deactivating strategy. What is your experience? I was reading through some old posts and found this and almost cried-I have always had a very serious issue with pornography (prefer it to sex with a partner in almost all cases) and I don't know why. It feels much "safer" to me I guess and I prefer the gratification I get from fantasy than the one I get in real life. Much much easier for me to climax from pornography as well (and this isn't a matter of not having a partner who gives to me,or not knowing how to please myself during sex-I absolutely do and I just can't relax enough in my head). This is so messed up and I can't believe I'm typing it "out loud" but the only way I used to be able to get off with an ex from many years ago was that I literally had to pretend that HE was pretending I was someone else during sex! How messed up is that?? And even now, I often have to get off by imaging my partner is having sex with other women. I just kept it all as a secret and brushed it off as a weird "kink". But now I am wondering if this is an attachment thing.  Does anyone on this forum have insights into this? |
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Post by number9 on Feb 21, 2020 0:16:20 GMT
Wondering, what are other avoidants experience with pornography? I always realized that I habitually used pornography to cope, but now (post-breakup) learning more about the nature of addiction and attachment I realize both that it is a low level addiction and also possibly a deactivating strategy. What is your experience? I was reading through some old posts and found this and almost cried-I have always had a very serious issue with pornography (prefer it to sex with a partner in almost all cases) and I don't know why. It feels much "safer" to me I guess and I prefer the gratification I get from fantasy than the one I get in real life. Much much easier for me to climax from pornography as well (and this isn't a matter of not having a partner who gives to me,or not knowing how to please myself during sex-I absolutely do and I just can't relax enough in my head). This is so messed up and I can't believe I'm typing it "out loud" but the only way I used to be able to get off with an ex from many years ago was that I literally had to pretend that HE was pretending I was someone else during sex! How messed up is that?? And even now, I often have to get off by imaging my partner is having sex with other women. I just kept it all as a secret and brushed it off as a weird "kink". But now I am wondering if this is an attachment thing. Does anyone on this forum have insights into this? I don't think it sounds "messed up" -- when it comes to sexuality and what parts of it excite our minds, I do not believe there is any room for judgement. I think it's only messed up to do things non-consensually with people. That said, if you find it to be a problem, then it's a problem. I'm responding to this because I think it took some courage for you to "type it out loud" -- and, just so you know, this here stranger on the Internet has no negative judgment on what you describe. (Incidentally, I recently heard a complaint from someone that every time she had sex w her boyfriend, he had to pretend there were other people involved -- like, for example, pretending the hot new barista from the cafe was there with them. He would speak to the imaginary person as if she was right there with them, and after a while the girlfriend got pretty tired of it.) |
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Post by alexandra on Feb 21, 2020 0:46:38 GMT
kittygirl, this isn't abnormal. There's a lot of research on how attachment affects sexuality. There's even a movie about what you're saying called Don Jon (good depiction of a lead male character who does this, although the resolution is a bit less realistic).
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Post by kittygirl on Feb 25, 2020 20:43:54 GMT
Thank you guys SO MUCH for these responses. I was sort of dreading what people were going to say here. I appreciate so much knowing that hey maybe this isn't "weird" and that if it's not bothering me or my partners (it's never been an issue in the past) than maybe it's one of those things that is one of the many ingredients to my own brand of f*cked up cocktail that makes me, me. <3
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Post by number9 on Mar 4, 2020 19:27:07 GMT
Thank you guys SO MUCH for these responses. I was sort of dreading what people were going to say here. I appreciate so much knowing that hey maybe this isn't "weird" and that if it's not bothering me or my partners (it's never been an issue in the past) than maybe it's one of those things that is one of the many ingredients to my own brand of f*cked up cocktail that makes me, me. <3 I'm going to borrow this expression! I'm "my own brand of f*cked up cocktail that makes me, me." I will also add that the idea of "romantic sex" -- let's look deeply into each others' eyes and "make love" -- is totally cringe-worthy to me! Perhaps it's Hollywood's fault. I'm not sure... haha Hope you are well!  |
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Post by serenity on Mar 4, 2020 20:43:12 GMT
Hey not sure if you guys have read this, but Jeb himself wrote an interesting article about this topic: jebkinnison.com/tag/nofap/I guess I share the view that fantasy is pretty harmless and I don't judge my own fantasies or others. But I'm mindful that consistent use of pornography and excessive sexual stimulation can burn out our dopamine receptors. We can also habituaize our sexuality to respond to certain cues that makes in-person sex uncomfortable, undesirable, or impossible. As our dopamine receptors burn out, our brain chemistry chases more intense stimulation, which can escalate pornography use or sex to problematic levels. The `nofap' forum that Jeb mentions describes and explores a lot of these issues deeply, as well as methods for healing burned out dopamine receptors. A lot of men especially do harm their relationships , finances , and overall attitude towards women through excessive porn use. It makes me feel good to see people acknowledging this and doing something productive about it. |
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Post by dhali on Mar 5, 2020 7:59:49 GMT
I think anytime you’re spending a lot of time not in a relationship, porn is going to be an attractive outlet. We all have needs, ya know?
I’ve gone stretches of nofap. It’s hard to do after a while.
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Post by serenity on Mar 5, 2020 8:48:45 GMT
I think anytime you’re spending a lot of time not in a relationship, porn is going to be an attractive outlet. We all have needs, ya know? I’ve gone stretches of nofap. It’s hard to do after a while. For sure. This site doesn't shame or petition against ` masturbation' or 'porn'. The way I understand their philosophy, its mainly about helping the brain recover from very low dopamine levels. Dopamine receptor numbers become significantly reduced if they are flooded too much, which is how these things can spin into an addiction that harms finances, personal relationships, sexual function etc. I see a lot of correlations between this and traumatic relationships, that have a similar effect on brain chemistry. I guess i found it interesting to see a brain-chemistry treatment plan mapped out so well, that looks a lot like the `no-contact' suggestions made when exiting a trauma-bonded relationship, only a lot more thought out. They suggest a 3 month abstinence plan (in some cases 180 days) that works for some people... its accompanied by things like good diet and abstinence from drugs/activities that cause dopamine flooding. This enables dopamine receptors to recover in numbers. |
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Does anyone on this forum have insights into this? 
