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Post by Veronika on Aug 22, 2018 19:14:47 GMT
My on again/ off again FA is out of town. Now that there’s distance between us, he’s texting very sweet things like “I miss you”. “Thinking about you”. Even a “Good morning GORGEOUS”.
Having learned all I’ve learned this week, I’m not falling for it! I know he means it....but instead of me hanging on his every word and grinning from ear to ear, I’m able to take it for what it’s worth, realizing that once he’s back home, he’ll be guarded again. No question here from me. Just feeling the calm of knowing what’s going on now and not getting worked up. (Relaxing sigh!)
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Post by epicgum on Aug 24, 2018 10:43:51 GMT
My on again/ off again FA is out of town. Now that there’s distance between us, he’s texting very sweet things like “I miss you”. “Thinking about you”. Even a “Good morning GORGEOUS”. Having learned all I’ve learned this week, I’m not falling for it! I know he means it....but instead of me hanging on his every word and grinning from ear to ear, I’m able to take it for what it’s worth, realizing that once he’s back home, he’ll be guarded again. No question here from me. Just feeling the calm of knowing what’s going on now and not getting worked up. (Relaxing sigh!) Good for you! But...does he know that he is FA? Have you told him? |
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Post by szorn2296 on Aug 27, 2018 13:16:15 GMT
I just had this happen to me - went out to California for 9 days (at his request) while he was out there for work for 30 days. He treated me terribly as if he didn't want me there while I was there (blamed it on job stress) as SOON as I went home, he was EXTREMELY loving, showering with compliments, affection, etc. went down to see him last weekend, happy for first couple of days then suddenly the last two days acted cold and distant (I swear I got to the point where I could just sense it) got home, he continued to be short, I brought it up with him asking why his moods/tone change drastically from week to week. This then led to our breakup this week.
Do they have any clue what they are doing? It is maddening.
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Post by epicgum on Aug 27, 2018 16:34:43 GMT
I just had this happen to me - went out to California for 9 days (at his request) while he was out there for work for 30 days. He treated me terribly as if he didn't want me there while I was there (blamed it on job stress) as SOON as I went home, he was EXTREMELY loving, showering with compliments, affection, etc. went down to see him last weekend, happy for first couple of days then suddenly the last two days acted cold and distant (I swear I got to the point where I could just sense it) got home, he continued to be short, I brought it up with him asking why his moods/tone change drastically from week to week. This then led to our breakup this week. Do they have any clue what they are doing? It is maddening. If you don't tell them, then...no, they don't know. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 27, 2018 17:03:13 GMT
I think the best way is to communicate your own needs and gently point out when their behavior is inconsistent. Telling someone flat out they may have an insecure style if you haven't been very close for a long time comes with a lot of potential pitfalls.
Even if you do tell them, they still may not know, if they're not ready to deal with their issues when they hear it.
If they do know they're doing it and don't care to change it, stay away!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2018 17:33:33 GMT
I think the best way is to communicate your own needs and gently point out when their behavior is inconsistent. Telling someone flat out they may have an insecure style if you haven't been very close for a long time comes with a lot of potential pitfalls. Even if you do tell them, they still may not know, if they're not ready to deal with their issues when they hear it. If they do know they're doing it and don't care to change it, stay away! also, telling another person about their insecure attachment style, when one recognizes an insecure attachment style in themselves, but is focusing on the insecure attachment style of the other person, is full of potential pitfalls as well. a relationship between two people is a dynamic between two people. your perspective of your partner is only half of the story. They have a story to tell about you, too, which may surprise you. Sure, you have a right to ask for certain behavior. Of course, you also have a responsibility to know and respect your own boundaries, BEFORE you can expect someone else to know and respect them. Honest introspection with perhaps some objective feedback from someone outside yourself, might help you determine if you, yourself, are participating in unhealthy ways and contributing to the dynamic that is troubling you. These things are not one sided. If you're confident that you are healthy and emotionally balanced, with good boundaries, and respect for your partner and yourself, and you find that their behavior is detrimental to you and not what you're looking for, then of course, communicate that and make your decisions. If you haven't delved into your own psychology and attachment patterns, you should start there. if you have an insecure attachment style that is keeping you stuck in unfulfilling relationships, then you need to realize there is plenty of work to do internally for you to become a healthy and desirable partner yourself. its super easy to find fault in a partner. i'm not saying fault isn't there. but it's a disservice to yourself in the long run to not take a good look inside to see why this is even coming up in your life or relationship. It's not as random as you might think, to choose an unhealthy partner and stick with them even when you're unhappy. it's mutual dysfunction. |
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Post by epicgum on Aug 28, 2018 1:49:42 GMT
I think the best way is to communicate your own needs and gently point out when their behavior is inconsistent. Telling someone flat out they may have an insecure style if you haven't been very close for a long time comes with a lot of potential pitfalls. Even if you do tell them, they still may not know, if they're not ready to deal with their issues when they hear it. If they do know they're doing it and don't care to change it, stay away! also, telling another person about their insecure attachment style, when one recognizes an insecure attachment style in themselves, but is focusing on the insecure attachment style of the other person, is full of potential pitfalls as well. a relationship between two people is a dynamic between two people. your perspective of your partner is only half of the story. They have a story to tell about you, too, which may surprise you. Sure, you have a right to ask for certain behavior. Of course, you also have a responsibility to know and respect your own boundaries, BEFORE you can expect someone else to know and respect them. Honest introspection with perhaps some objective feedback from someone outside yourself, might help you determine if you, yourself, are participating in unhealthy ways and contributing to the dynamic that is troubling you. These things are not one sided. If you're confident that you are healthy and emotionally balanced, with good boundaries, and respect for your partner and yourself, and you find that their behavior is detrimental to you and not what you're looking for, then of course, communicate that and make your decisions. If you haven't delved into your own psychology and attachment patterns, you should start there. if you have an insecure attachment style that is keeping you stuck in unfulfilling relationships, then you need to realize there is plenty of work to do internally for you to become a healthy and desirable partner yourself. its super easy to find fault in a partner. i'm not saying fault isn't there. but it's a disservice to yourself in the long run to not take a good look inside to see why this is even coming up in your life or relationship. It's not as random as you might think, to choose an unhealthy partner and stick with them even when you're unhappy. it's mutual dysfunction. While focusing on yourself and not psychoanalyzing your unwitting partner sounds like the obviously right solution...I would have positively WELCOMED my partner saying "I think you might have some commitment issues, here is some interesting psych stuff I found...can you relate to any of this?" Because on some level I knew I had issues, but was terrified to admit to it because I thought my partner would leave. So.....as an FA, I gotta say don't knock it! |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 28, 2018 1:52:32 GMT
it's just got to be balanced 😉
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 28, 2018 2:28:40 GMT
also, telling another person about their insecure attachment style, when one recognizes an insecure attachment style in themselves, but is focusing on the insecure attachment style of the other person, is full of potential pitfalls as well. a relationship between two people is a dynamic between two people. your perspective of your partner is only half of the story. They have a story to tell about you, too, which may surprise you. Sure, you have a right to ask for certain behavior. Of course, you also have a responsibility to know and respect your own boundaries, BEFORE you can expect someone else to know and respect them. Honest introspection with perhaps some objective feedback from someone outside yourself, might help you determine if you, yourself, are participating in unhealthy ways and contributing to the dynamic that is troubling you. These things are not one sided. If you're confident that you are healthy and emotionally balanced, with good boundaries, and respect for your partner and yourself, and you find that their behavior is detrimental to you and not what you're looking for, then of course, communicate that and make your decisions. If you haven't delved into your own psychology and attachment patterns, you should start there. if you have an insecure attachment style that is keeping you stuck in unfulfilling relationships, then you need to realize there is plenty of work to do internally for you to become a healthy and desirable partner yourself. its super easy to find fault in a partner. i'm not saying fault isn't there. but it's a disservice to yourself in the long run to not take a good look inside to see why this is even coming up in your life or relationship. It's not as random as you might think, to choose an unhealthy partner and stick with them even when you're unhappy. it's mutual dysfunction. While focusing on yourself and not psychoanalyzing your unwitting partner sounds like the obviously right solution...I would have positively WELCOMED my partner saying "I think you might have some commitment issues, here is some interesting psych stuff I found...can you relate to any of this?" Because on some level I knew I had issues, but was terrified to admit to it because I thought my partner would leave. So.....as an FA, I gotta say don't knock it! Yeh...but it really depends on the individual...some people might react to that suggestion with defensiveness....especially if they felt judged by their partner or that the suggestion was controlling. Insecurity falls on a spectrum and some are a bit further along then others. I still believe it is best to maintain your yard before looking to prune your partner's.  |
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Post by Veronika on Sept 15, 2018 20:14:32 GMT
I did tell him what I suspected. After 16 months of hot/cold behavior, I finally learned about attachment issues. I read the book Attached and shared it with him...more importantly I learned I am anxious BECAUSE of his unpredictable patterns of affection. I asked him to try and pick a level of intimacy and stay there....if it’s a “3”, be a 3. But no more swinging between 1 and 10. I also told him that I wasn’t going ANYWHERE....that unless he TOLD me with words that’s hes done with me, then I’ll just assume he loves me.
Things have been WAY better. Much more words of love via text and in person. I don’t know if engulfment or abandonment is his hangup...but I suspect it’s a little of each.
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