|
|
Post by alissseee on Mar 1, 2019 10:16:14 GMT
I'm enduring the aftermath of a very messy breakup situation from a 3 yr relationship. Most of the reason that relationship failed was because I couldn't make commitments, really embrace intimacy and understand and express my feelings. (I knew I cared for her a lot but did not think I loved her, I was unsure whether the relationship was right for the long term, I did classic love avoidants moves like sexualizing touch as the like, and I always freaked out when she tried to tell me she was falling for me) Now that the relationship is over, I feel this overwhelming love and desire for intimacy and caring with her...I feel like she is perfect for me...I have fantasies of us getting married and living together, things I didn't want when we were together...and I also feel deep depression and yearning because these cant be realized. (I am often consumed with self-hatred and consider dieing with some seriousness) I don't want to repress these emotions, because I feel like repressing them or covering them up and not sharing them during the relationship was my problem (I had massive walls, and now...I don't want to be a commitmentphobe the rest of my life)...and at the same time, it is crushing and I cant move on. (Truthfully, I don't want to move on, I want her back) I am trying to open up my feelings with friends and family, but where is the line you should walk between feeling your emotions and repressing them? I don't want to go back to having walls...that was a massive problem for me. (It has been 3 months since the breakup) I know it's been a few months, so idk the status of the relationship. Don't repress. It will come out either way. Personally, as an SA/AP, I would have preferred that my partner not mask has feelings as anything other than what they were. He thought he was hiding it but I could see it seeping through the cracks, especially during his shut downs and when he'd invalidate my feelings. I wished he could have been transparent about his wounds and insecurities instead of slowly leaking all that toxicity that comes with holding it in all over me. Also it's important to really scrutinize why these feelings of longing are arising. If you were to rekindle things, you need to re-evaluate why you're doing it. Is it her you want? or are you simply intoxicated by her absence? If you got her back, what steps would you take to prevent slipping back into a state of complacency once the high of the reunion wears off? The absolute last thing you want is to make her regret giving it a second chance. It's not just your sense of trust that's on the line. Just food for thought  |
|
|
|
Post by epicgum on Mar 1, 2019 14:18:04 GMT
I'm enduring the aftermath of a very messy breakup situation from a 3 yr relationship. Most of the reason that relationship failed was because I couldn't make commitments, really embrace intimacy and understand and express my feelings. (I knew I cared for her a lot but did not think I loved her, I was unsure whether the relationship was right for the long term, I did classic love avoidants moves like sexualizing touch as the like, and I always freaked out when she tried to tell me she was falling for me) Now that the relationship is over, I feel this overwhelming love and desire for intimacy and caring with her...I feel like she is perfect for me...I have fantasies of us getting married and living together, things I didn't want when we were together...and I also feel deep depression and yearning because these cant be realized. (I am often consumed with self-hatred and consider dieing with some seriousness) I don't want to repress these emotions, because I feel like repressing them or covering them up and not sharing them during the relationship was my problem (I had massive walls, and now...I don't want to be a commitmentphobe the rest of my life)...and at the same time, it is crushing and I cant move on. (Truthfully, I don't want to move on, I want her back) I am trying to open up my feelings with friends and family, but where is the line you should walk between feeling your emotions and repressing them? I don't want to go back to having walls...that was a massive problem for me. (It has been 3 months since the breakup) I know it's been a few months, so idk the status of the relationship. Don't repress. It will come out either way. Personally, as an SA/AP, I would have preferred that my partner not mask has feelings as anything other than what they were. He thought he was hiding it but I could see it seeping through the cracks, especially during his shut downs and when he'd invalidate my feelings. I wished he could have been transparent about his wounds and insecurities instead of slowly leaking all that toxicity that comes with holding it in all over me. Also it's important to really scrutinize why these feelings of longing are arising. If you were to rekindle things, you need to re-evaluate why you're doing it. Is it her you want? or are you simply intoxicated by her absence? If you got her back, what steps would you take to prevent slipping back into a state of complacency once the high of the reunion wears off? The absolute last thing you want is to make her regret giving it a second chance. It's not just your sense of trust that's on the line. Just food for thought I very much understand on both points now. Trying to keep a lid on "negative" emotions and "if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all" absolutely, seeps out toxically anyway. Good thoughts. In terms of complacency, well, we were both hiding our hidden anger and frustration with the situation, so that would need to change. I don't need to impress anyone or win anyone over to be with though, I just need to be me. That is an important lesson learned. If we reunited I would probably feel the same anxiety and desire to push her away again, but now I'm more comfortable expressing my thoughts/feelings/needs regardless of who gets hurt (because I know what the stakes). And I'm also more comfortable with the idea that I am not responsible for other people's feelings, choices or life choices. What am I ::actually:: missing? Longing? It is probably the same as AP longing, reflecting a childhood wound of abandonment and failure. |
|
