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Post by epicgum on Aug 24, 2018 10:29:32 GMT
I'm enduring the aftermath of a very messy breakup situation from a 3 yr relationship.
Most of the reason that relationship failed was because I couldn't make commitments, really embrace intimacy and understand and express my feelings. (I knew I cared for her a lot but did not think I loved her, I was unsure whether the relationship was right for the long term, I did classic love avoidants moves like sexualizing touch as the like, and I always freaked out when she tried to tell me she was falling for me)
Now that the relationship is over, I feel this overwhelming love and desire for intimacy and caring with her...I feel like she is perfect for me...I have fantasies of us getting married and living together, things I didn't want when we were together...and I also feel deep depression and yearning because these cant be realized. (I am often consumed with self-hatred and consider dieing with some seriousness)
I don't want to repress these emotions, because I feel like repressing them or covering them up and not sharing them during the relationship was my problem (I had massive walls, and now...I don't want to be a commitmentphobe the rest of my life)...and at the same time, it is crushing and I cant move on. (Truthfully, I don't want to move on, I want her back)
I am trying to open up my feelings with friends and family, but where is the line you should walk between feeling your emotions and repressing them? I don't want to go back to having walls...that was a massive problem for me.
(It has been 3 months since the breakup)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2018 11:43:50 GMT
epicgum - so sorry you are feeling these frightening feelings.
You are right that you are best not to repress your feelings - once you start to feel, your emotions will feel extreme.
Like a pendulum swinging, the start is huge, either way ... then the swings lessen, moving less farther away from the centre.
Having someone tp talk to directly - a kind counsellor, in person or via phone can really help.
There are many ways to express your feelings / emotions, without involving people: punching / beating a pillow, crying (alone / into a pillow - although with someone caring / a counsellor, etc, can help - if you are able to do so), shouting as loud as you can while driving on the motorway (obviously, if safe to do so), journalling out your feelings (and having a good cry), exercise, especially group activities so that you are not alone, walking in nature / woods, having a massage.
All of these are just things to help with feelings / emotions /sensations.
anne12 has lots of ideas / guidance in the Secure section.
Hugs x
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2018 12:19:43 GMT
epicgum, i'm sorry you're suffering this way. i'm concerned about your thoughts of dying. are you able to share that also with close, trusted people? a therapist? i think a therapist can help you find the balance you're seeking with your feelings. and, if things are very overwhelming for you right now, perhaps your brain chemistry is a little out of balance, and medication might be helpful? i was on medicine for some time when i had issues with PTSD and it got me through some rough patches. best to you. 🌸
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Post by mrob on Aug 24, 2018 12:51:30 GMT
Welcome to being an FA. The best parts of an AP, coupled with the best in avoidance. Sarcasm of course.
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Post by epicgum on Aug 24, 2018 17:37:26 GMT
Welcome to being an FA. The best parts of an AP, coupled with the best in avoidance. Sarcasm of course. Hahahahahahahahaha oh man....you can identify with this whole ambivalent, cant handle being loved, cant love her, then fall in love after she's stopped loving you and hate yourself thing? |
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Post by epicgum on Aug 24, 2018 17:46:05 GMT
epicgum - so sorry you are feeling these frightening feelings. You are right that you are best not to repress your feelings - once you start to feel, your emotions will feel extreme. Like a pendulum swinging, the start is huge, either way ... then the swings lessen, moving less farther away from the centre. Having someone tp talk to directly - a kind counsellor, in person or via phone can really help. There are many ways to express your feelings / emotions, without involving people: punching / beating a pillow, crying (alone / into a pillow - although with someone caring / a counsellor, etc, can help - if you are able to do so), shouting as loud as you can while driving on the motorway (obviously, if safe to do so), journalling out your feelings (and having a good cry), exercise, especially group activities so that you are not alone, walking in nature / woods, having a massage. All of these are just things to help with feelings / emotions /sensations. anne12 has lots of ideas / guidance in the Secure section. Hugs x Thank you @warriorgirl I really appreciate all the support and ideas. I am seeing a counselor in a couple weeks for anxiety. |
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Post by epicgum on Aug 24, 2018 17:55:51 GMT
epicgum, i'm sorry you're suffering this way. i'm concerned about your thoughts of dying. are you able to share that also with close, trusted people? a therapist? i think a therapist can help you find the balance you're seeking with your feelings. and, if things are very overwhelming for you right now, perhaps your brain chemistry is a little out of balance, and medication might be helpful? i was on medicine for some time when i had issues with PTSD and it got me through some rough patches. best to you. 🌸 Thank you for your kind words and support juniper I really appreciate it and it makes me feel better to see strangers on the internet trying to help. I am really anxious about medications, so I really really don't want to do that, I know that is incredibly stupid logic, thinking, I'd rather just die than take some pills, but for some reason that's where it is right now....I feel like I cant handle stress without her...which is probably a sign of some additional problems! I am seeing a cousin this weekend who has had some struggles with depression, so I will try to hang out and talk to her. Again, thank you for the thoughts. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2018 18:11:27 GMT
epicgum, i'm sorry you're suffering this way. i'm concerned about your thoughts of dying. are you able to share that also with close, trusted people? a therapist? i think a therapist can help you find the balance you're seeking with your feelings. and, if things are very overwhelming for you right now, perhaps your brain chemistry is a little out of balance, and medication might be helpful? i was on medicine for some time when i had issues with PTSD and it got me through some rough patches. best to you. 🌸 Thank you for your kind words and support juniper I really appreciate it and it makes me feel better to see strangers on the internet trying to help. I am really anxious about medications, so I really really don't want to do that, I know that is incredibly stupid logic, thinking, I'd rather just die than take some pills, but for some reason that's where it is right now....I feel like I cant handle stress without her...which is probably a sign of some additional problems! I am seeing a cousin this weekend who has had some struggles with depression, so I will try to hang out and talk to her. Again, thank you for the thoughts. i understand! hang in there. you will get to the other side. |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 25, 2018 3:30:26 GMT
epicgum.....I have struggled with depression and anxiety all my life...and I have had thoughts of just "not existing"...it actually happened a few times when the thoughts and images in my mind were too much and I could not stop from spiraling down. I recently have been put on a very low dose of an SSRI and it does seem to help me. I still have "lows" but they don't last nearly as long. If you ever get to that place again...you can reach out to me. No judgement just care. 💕💕
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jess92
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Post by jess92 on Aug 25, 2018 19:39:52 GMT
There are many ways to express your feelings / emotions, without involving people: punching / beating a pillow, crying (alone / into a pillow - although with someone caring / a counsellor, etc, can help - if you are able to do so), shouting as loud as you can while driving on the motorway (obviously, if safe to do so), journalling out your feelings (and having a good cry), exercise, especially group activities so that you are not alone, walking in nature / woods, having a massage. Love this WarriorGirl.... I can absolutely attest to the shouting whilst driving being a great way to express emotions. Nothing makes me feel calm, at the moment, like blaring music in the car, singing (terribly) along at the top of my voice. Give it a try epicgum I know it's far easier said than done, especially when anxiety and/or depression comes into play but please try to remember that you are strong. You're already making huge progress in acknowledging your attachment style and anxiety and taking action. And you know what... it's been three months since your breakup. You'll make it another three months, and another, and another... things will work out one way or the other. It has to, it's life  |
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Post by hachristensen79 on Oct 2, 2018 3:03:42 GMT
Epicgum
Man I want to just reach out and hug you. I am new to these boards and am dealing with a man that struggles just like you. All I want to do is help him/you. It breaks my heart to hear your struggles because this is exactly what I envision from him. We too broke up three months ago. He reaches out and backs away. What do YOU need from her? What is the last thing you need from her that pushes her away? You and I could be a good resource for each other because I can probably give you insight on her and you can give me insight on him.
I too am going through my own shit and have ole ru to work on. I am such a glass half full type of person and believe love can co queer all. Maybe I am just crazy ha ha.
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 8, 2018 18:25:15 GMT
I'm enduring the aftermath of a very messy breakup situation from a 3 yr relationship. Most of the reason that relationship failed was because I couldn't make commitments, really embrace intimacy and understand and express my feelings. (I knew I cared for her a lot but did not think I loved her, I was unsure whether the relationship was right for the long term, I did classic love avoidants moves like sexualizing touch as the like, and I always freaked out when she tried to tell me she was falling for me) Now that the relationship is over, I feel this overwhelming love and desire for intimacy and caring with her...I feel like she is perfect for me...I have fantasies of us getting married and living together, things I didn't want when we were together...and I also feel deep depression and yearning because these cant be realized. (I am often consumed with self-hatred and consider dieing with some seriousness) I don't want to repress these emotions, because I feel like repressing them or covering them up and not sharing them during the relationship was my problem (I had massive walls, and now...I don't want to be a commitmentphobe the rest of my life)...and at the same time, it is crushing and I cant move on. (Truthfully, I don't want to move on, I want her back) I am trying to open up my feelings with friends and family, but where is the line you should walk between feeling your emotions and repressing them? I don't want to go back to having walls...that was a massive problem for me. (It has been 3 months since the breakup) Hey there...I’m an AP moving to secure and was broken up with by an FA 10 months ago. We now only see each other casually...his decision. I can tell you it would be an answer to my prayers if he would begin to open up and be willing to express his feelings, like you are now! Have you talked to your ex at all? I would start training those communication muscles and talk to someone about your feelings- whether it be friends, family, counselor or an online group. It sounds like being open and sharing will be new to you, so if I don’t think you should hold back. If you’re unsure if you’re oversharing- I can see how it may be blurry to you as being needy and asserting boundaries is blurry to me- to be more sure, start off by sharing small and then share more and be more specific depending on the feedback received from your listener. Do they seem empathetic? Are they offering their own life experiences or advice? If so, I would feel ok sharing. If they’re quiet or removed from the conversation, I would mirror them and share less. Another words, know your audience! Congrats on being willing to open up and recognize and address your struggles. Maybe we don’t truly appreciate something until it’s gone? Keep your head up- there is always hope💗🙏🏻 |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 8, 2018 18:28:52 GMT
Epicgum Man I want to just reach out and hug you. I am new to these boards and am dealing with a man that struggles just like you. All I want to do is help him/you. It breaks my heart to hear your struggles because this is exactly what I envision from him. We too broke up three months ago. He reaches out and backs away. What do YOU need from her? What is the last thing you need from her that pushes her away? You and I could be a good resource for each other because I can probably give you insight on her and you can give me insight on him. I too am going through my own shit and have ole ru to work on. I am such a glass half full type of person and believe love can co queer all. Maybe I am just crazy ha ha. Yes...love can conquer all is my mentality! Why can’t we all see it that way??! Lol Hugs, prayers and best wishes to everyone on our journey! 💗🙏🏻 |
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Post by epicgum on Oct 11, 2018 19:15:32 GMT
Epicgum Man I want to just reach out and hug you. I am new to these boards and am dealing with a man that struggles just like you. All I want to do is help him/you. It breaks my heart to hear your struggles because this is exactly what I envision from him. We too broke up three months ago. He reaches out and backs away. What do YOU need from her? What is the last thing you need from her that pushes her away? You and I could be a good resource for each other because I can probably give you insight on her and you can give me insight on him. I too am going through my own shit and have ole ru to work on. I am such a glass half full type of person and believe love can co queer all. Maybe I am just crazy ha ha. Thank you. I appreciate the hugs. |
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Post by epicgum on Oct 11, 2018 19:16:51 GMT
Epicgum Man I want to just reach out and hug you. I am new to these boards and am dealing with a man that struggles just like you. All I want to do is help him/you. It breaks my heart to hear your struggles because this is exactly what I envision from him. We too broke up three months ago. He reaches out and backs away. What do YOU need from her? What is the last thing you need from her that pushes her away? You and I could be a good resource for each other because I can probably give you insight on her and you can give me insight on him. I too am going through my own shit and have ole ru to work on. I am such a glass half full type of person and believe love can co queer all. Maybe I am just crazy ha ha. Yes...love can conquer all is my mentality! Why can’t we all see it that way??! Lol Hugs, prayers and best wishes to everyone on our journey! 💗🙏🏻 Thank you sorry, I just dont have the energy for a detailed reply right now. Maybe later. Feel free to PM me too if you like. |
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