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Post by Deleted on Aug 26, 2018 12:31:51 GMT
i've struggled here about the battle i've fought within myself over deactivating in response to deep love and intimacy between my partner and i.
ive also shared some about the fluctuations in our intimacy level as he navigates a very challenging situation outside the relationship, that affects the relationship.
We have been able to maintain emotional intimacy no matter what. it's deep, progressive, and means the world to me. i can't imagine my life without my friend and confidante. I love him so much.
recently we have been able to make progress into sexual intimacy as well. It's been overwhelming and beautiful , without the separation between emotional/sexual intimacy- we have been able to fully immerse in both at once.
So, i want to share a really significant thing!!!
Yesterday, after weeks of deep intimacy on the emotional/spiritual/intellectual level, we enjoyed each other sexually again and it was the most intimate and free encounter i've ever experienced.
Typically, there is some small barrier inside me, or him, and we work with it, without talking about it we work with it over time. but there was none. Our time together was perfect union, and in the quiet time afterward when typically i feel the pain and fear of loss associated with deep emotion and connection, instead i felt relaxed, free from fear, and deeply peaceful and thankful.
I observed myself through the rest of the day for deactivating thoughts, or an impulse to distract myself from it all. If there was anything, it passed by me undetected, i feel at ease even this morning , there is no fear or apprehension clutching my heart.
this is tremendous for me.
so, thanks for sharing your encouragement, and for participating with me on these boards. it's been a way for me to stay connected with what goes on inside me, so i can gently work with it. And it's changing me and my life in tangible ways.
im so thankful. 🌸
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Post by ocarina on Aug 26, 2018 12:55:17 GMT
i've struggled here about the battle i've fought within myself over deactivating in response to deep love and intimacy between my partner and i. ive also shared some about the fluctuations in our intimacy level as he navigates a very challenging situation outside the relationship, that affects the relationship. We have been able to maintain emotional intimacy no matter what. it's deep, progressive, and means the world to me. i can't imagine my life without my friend and confidante. I love him so much. recently we have been able to make progress into sexual intimacy as well. It's been overwhelming and beautiful , without the separation between emotional/sexual intimacy- we have been able to fully immerse in both at once. So, i want to share a really significant thing!!! Yesterday, after weeks of deep intimacy on the emotional/spiritual/intellectual level, we enjoyed each other sexually again and it was the most intimate and free encounter i've ever experienced. Typically, there is some small barrier inside me, or him, and we work with it, without talking about it we work with it over time. but there was none. Our time together was perfect union, and in the quiet time afterward when typically i feel the pain and fear of loss associated with deep emotion and connection, instead i felt relaxed, free from fear, and deeply peaceful and thankful. I observed myself through the rest of the day for deactivating thoughts, or an impulse to distract myself from it all. If there was anything, it passed by me undetected, i feel at ease even this morning , there is no fear or apprehension clutching my heart. this is tremendous for me. so, thanks for sharing your encouragement, and for participating with me on these boards. it's been a way for me to stay connected with what goes on inside me, so i can gently work with it. And it's changing me and my life in tangible ways. im so thankful. 🌸 |
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Post by ocarina on Aug 26, 2018 13:00:45 GMT
That’s really wonderful to hear. The ability to maintain presence even in the shadow of fear and disconnect is at the very heart of intimacy. Great that nothing came up in you of your old patterns but the very art of being with these old patterns is what has brought you this far.
It’s counterintuitive but running from difficult feelings or trying to feel better is never the right path - what you reap now is the rewards for bravery and courage in welcoming discomfort and allowing it in. Awesome x
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 26, 2018 14:41:19 GMT
So, i want to share a really significant thing!!! Yesterday, after weeks of deep intimacy on the emotional/spiritual/intellectual level, we enjoyed each other sexually again and it was the most intimate and free encounter i've ever experienced. Typically, there is some small barrier inside me, or him, and we work with it, without talking about it we work with it over time. but there was none. Our time together was perfect union, and in the quiet time afterward when typically i feel the pain and fear of loss associated with deep emotion and connection, instead i felt relaxed, free from fear, and deeply peaceful and thankful. This is really awesome! All your hard work is paying off ❤ |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 26, 2018 15:43:17 GMT
thank you ocarina and goldilocks for all you have shared with me to help me understand myself better, and also to anne12 for the posts that have helped me to demystify my internal mechanisms and work with them. I'm coming out of the trance. i hope for this kind of healing for everyone. "they" say it's not likely, experts and laypersons alike. I say it's just like anything else you want. you go after it. you listen and learn from those who've gone before. you call upon the courage to forge your own path when you get to an impasse and it's all on you. sometimes it gets like that. the dark night of the soul, which does pass. the whole process of healing is about embracing what we fear most- interdependency, vulnerability, and the willingness to face down pain instead of run from it. thanks again, everyone. |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 26, 2018 17:39:11 GMT
That is amazing Juniper. So happy for you! 🎉🎉🎉
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Post by lilyg on Aug 27, 2018 6:22:23 GMT
i've struggled here about the battle i've fought within myself over deactivating in response to deep love and intimacy between my partner and i. ive also shared some about the fluctuations in our intimacy level as he navigates a very challenging situation outside the relationship, that affects the relationship. We have been able to maintain emotional intimacy no matter what. it's deep, progressive, and means the world to me. i can't imagine my life without my friend and confidante. I love him so much. recently we have been able to make progress into sexual intimacy as well. It's been overwhelming and beautiful , without the separation between emotional/sexual intimacy- we have been able to fully immerse in both at once. So, i want to share a really significant thing!!! Yesterday, after weeks of deep intimacy on the emotional/spiritual/intellectual level, we enjoyed each other sexually again and it was the most intimate and free encounter i've ever experienced. Typically, there is some small barrier inside me, or him, and we work with it, without talking about it we work with it over time. but there was none. Our time together was perfect union, and in the quiet time afterward when typically i feel the pain and fear of loss associated with deep emotion and connection, instead i felt relaxed, free from fear, and deeply peaceful and thankful. I observed myself through the rest of the day for deactivating thoughts, or an impulse to distract myself from it all. If there was anything, it passed by me undetected, i feel at ease even this morning , there is no fear or apprehension clutching my heart. this is tremendous for me. so, thanks for sharing your encouragement, and for participating with me on these boards. it's been a way for me to stay connected with what goes on inside me, so i can gently work with it. And it's changing me and my life in tangible ways. im so thankful. 🌸 😊 I'm very happy for you, a beautiful work that brings beautiful results. Thank you also for helping around here! |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 28, 2018 1:51:52 GMT
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Post by leavethelighton on Aug 29, 2018 0:17:32 GMT
Great post!
Also, I'm curious what particular posts by anne12 you found the most helpful to refer to during deactivation. You mentioned there are some posts you refer to in those times?
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2018 1:04:07 GMT
Great post! Also, I'm curious what particular posts by anne12 you found the most helpful to refer to during deactivation. You mentioned there are some posts you refer to in those times? thank you! there is one post in particular i have commented on lately, about healing diismissive attachment. it's one i tagged for lilyg , i think the title is just that. It has been so helpful. i read it every few days and especially if i am deactivating or feeling off. i am not able to really come back from the deactivation totally , it seems to take about two or three days to resolve. but it does help to read specific things on the page that i can relate to. For instance, if i find myself checked out emotionally i really do not want to engage at all. left to my own conditioning and habit, i would stop reaching out to my partner. its just very hard to want to engage because i feel literally unplugged from him. i wonder, what happened? But, if i read that post reminding me about myself, it can remind me to be consistent with him and to behave in ways contrary to how i feel. I can start to see it as something that might pass. when i deactivate i do tend to fear i will never come back and i'm just done. i can feel my heart unplug and it's discouraging to me. it gets very confusing to me. sometimes i feel really unplugged and reading the compassionate POV that reminds me of the what and why makes me cry and helps me cope better because i don't feel so alien. i've gotten so much better. also, recognizing the (exaggerated) parasympathetic state for what it is, on the sciencey level, helps me know that the over-regulation will pass and i will come back, something inside me didn't die ,it's just sleeping. so instead of giving up , now i read and try to stay in touch with what's happening. instead of shrinking away i will keep reaching out and being consistent for him even if deactivated. it does help me feel more connected. overall the deactivation periods have gotten much less painful and detrimental to the relationship. it also helps remind me that he deactivates too and what he needs. funny how i can miss that sometimes just being caught in my own style. even tho we are the same. the whole thing is wonky. lol. |
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Post by andy on Sept 2, 2018 1:44:43 GMT
Wow, it's so powerful to notice how deeply and thoroughly you've transformed yourself! How freeing! What a monumental achievement! It is inspiring for everybody on these boards to hear from each other about the huuuuuge ways we can make (and have already made) our lives richer and better.
Congratulations.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2018 2:15:21 GMT
Wow, it's so powerful to notice how deeply and thoroughly you've transformed yourself! How freeing! What a monumental achievement! It is inspiring for everybody on these boards to hear from each other about the huuuuuge ways we can make (and have already made) our lives richer and better. Congratulations. thank you andy. i've come such a long way, and i'm really emotional about it lately. i appreciate being able to share it here. in real life, i go out apply what i am working so hard on here, and in my private time. i don't talk about it, i just do it. i take my work here to my partner in the form of my real self, loving him the best i can. he has no idea i spend hours here participating and keeping things real and present for myself. i don't know what he does for his work, i really don't. but i do know that we are doing it together totally on our own haha!!! again, thank you. i never thought my life could be what it is today but it's a new normal for a few years, and with this progress, has exceeded any dream i ever dared to have. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2018 2:53:29 GMT
recently, after a wrinkle, i told him i am working so hard and i'm sorry i still sometimes struggle and he said
"i know you are, and i know how tough this is for you. You HAVE come a long way. " you know what that means to me? a lot. he is actively supporting my emotional safety, and doesn't feel unsafe. he is the one who might suffer, but he trusts me. he trusts my sincerity and that is really so incredible to me, it heals a lot of hurt from my life.
he knows when i deactivate i have no affection and that it's something in my brain and nervous system. understanding that has helped him understand himself too, i think. he doesn't suffer as badly as i do with all that. but he knows i get really confused and he is super gentle and not afraid at all. i don't say "i'm shutting down" - he knows the signs. you would think with all this knowledge we could just be different but it doesn't work like that- change happens in layers and levels.
I know that's a particular benefit of being with another dismissive, because he gets it, and it doesn't trigger him, and also he knows what to do to just let me resolve, and there are some things he does that help me a lot.
you would think i could just be done with it by now and i wish i was!! but since i'm not we just keep going.
it's really an amazing thing we have the internet and this opportunity here. we need to realize that and make the most of it. it must be our time, can you imagine not knowing about this, or having any way to heal or get support? we shouldn't waste it really.
generations of people just suffered without real connection until they died. I might have, if not for google.
sorry, tangent- but gratitude stays vivid for me.
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Post by lilyg on Sept 3, 2018 10:24:50 GMT
recently, after a wrinkle, i told him i am working so hard and i'm sorry i still sometimes struggle and he said "i know you are, and i know how tough this is for you. You HAVE come a long way. " you know what that means to me? a lot. he is actively supporting my emotional safety, and doesn't feel unsafe. he is the one who might suffer, but he trusts me. he trusts my sincerity and that is really so incredible to me, it heals a lot of hurt from my life. he knows when i deactivate i have no affection and that it's something in my brain and nervous system. understanding that has helped him understand himself too, i think. he doesn't suffer as badly as i do with all that. but he knows i get really confused and he is super gentle and not afraid at all. i don't say "i'm shutting down" - he knows the signs. you would think with all this knowledge we could just be different but it doesn't work like that- change happens in layers and levels. I know that's a particular benefit of being with another dismissive, because he gets it, and it doesn't trigger him, and also he knows what to do to just let me resolve, and there are some things he does that help me a lot. you would think i could just be done with it by now and i wish i was!! but since i'm not we just keep going. it's really an amazing thing we have the internet and this opportunity here. we need to realize that and make the most of it. it must be our time, can you imagine not knowing about this, or having any way to heal or get support? we shouldn't waste it really. generations of people just suffered without real connection until they died. I might have, if not for google. sorry, tangent- but gratitude stays vivid for me. This is great, Juniper. You've finally come to the point in which you fully trust each other and can start anticipating each other's needs. That means you know each other in an intimate way  Gentle love all the way. Yes, it's amazing we nowadays have the capacity to search, understand and connect with others. Support here is doing wonders for many. It's great here has been so much research about humans and how we connect and love each other. Way easier than trying to navigate life on just 'common sense'. |
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Gentle love all the way.