Post by fusoexplorer on Mar 21, 2017 23:17:49 GMT
Thank you Jeb for creating this forum.
I recently went through a relationship in which the person broke up me with no warning. It set off an anxious attachment style in me for a year until I broke up with her and two days later scratching my head about what happened came across attachment styles on the internet. It was definitely text book Dismissive avoidant/preoccupied. My girlfriend continously changed the goal posts in the relationship. I eventually got tired of it and lack of time spent together and axed it. After finding out about these attachments and that I had a definite part in the relationship demise by protesting and enabling, I wouldn't mind giving the relationship another shot. We are in the no contact stage and I am waiting for her to contact me again as I broke it off before and she came back. I gave her a pile of information on the subject but have never discussed it with her. This might scare her to see this information. I did send her a letter about how I would change on my part by being more patient with her, understanding and supportive. If it happens it happens. I would like to get back in the relationship with the current knowleddge I have now to see what would happen.She is aware from the letter that I will never contact her again that it would be up to her. She does love me I know that. Even though it is stated an avoidant can't seem to love someone. I feel I love her but it may be an addiction. Maybe I don't know what love is but when I have fallen in "love" it was an addiction and not real love. If anyone wants to comment about this that is fine. But the thread has been started for another reason...
I recall years ago when I started to date how I could change how I interact in relationships. I would meet someone I would be attracted to and really want to "make" the relationship work and have an anxious style attachment right away. Obviously this would scare the person away even though they wanted to have a relationship with me. Next over the failures I learned to chill out a little and relationships would start to work out. But I would have a Dismissive avoidant style of attachment. So with that the relationships would not last as I would end them. But then I would meet someone I was really attracted to and the anxious attachment would be activated again. In my mind I really wanted the relationship to work but at the back of my mind I would think it will not. And of course it would not. So my relationships would go through these cycles. Then I met my wife. Although I didn't have that extreme attraction for her I figured our love would grow. The marriage lasted 23 years but we had our problems that we could not solve. I would tell her I wasn't getting the affection I desired and she would say I would never take her out enough. In retrospect she was right and I was right also. She turned out to be a dismissive person and I was an anxious attachment in the marriage. I was always the one to try to keep the marriage together. We have been seperated for almost three years now.
Although I gave you all this information, I would like to know if this is common. For one to go through all the attachment styles? I feel I can be all of them. Even secure attachment. However, with secure attachment women I seem to meet, I find they are not an exciting "challenge" to me and so I am going for the Avoidant ones it seems. I know now I have to change my thinking on this but also I need some counselling in which I am starting in two weeks.
So back to the question, Can one person have all the styles? By the way, the most recent relationship I was in the girlfriend came on really strong. I started off dismissive and that bothered her. But when I let my heart go we switched roles as she broke it off. Then it was a relationship of me trying to get her back. I am an intelligent and wise grown man. After reading the books about attachments I felt my actions were so child like and certainly not dictated by any sort of logic.
Mr. Chameleon
I recently went through a relationship in which the person broke up me with no warning. It set off an anxious attachment style in me for a year until I broke up with her and two days later scratching my head about what happened came across attachment styles on the internet. It was definitely text book Dismissive avoidant/preoccupied. My girlfriend continously changed the goal posts in the relationship. I eventually got tired of it and lack of time spent together and axed it. After finding out about these attachments and that I had a definite part in the relationship demise by protesting and enabling, I wouldn't mind giving the relationship another shot. We are in the no contact stage and I am waiting for her to contact me again as I broke it off before and she came back. I gave her a pile of information on the subject but have never discussed it with her. This might scare her to see this information. I did send her a letter about how I would change on my part by being more patient with her, understanding and supportive. If it happens it happens. I would like to get back in the relationship with the current knowleddge I have now to see what would happen.She is aware from the letter that I will never contact her again that it would be up to her. She does love me I know that. Even though it is stated an avoidant can't seem to love someone. I feel I love her but it may be an addiction. Maybe I don't know what love is but when I have fallen in "love" it was an addiction and not real love. If anyone wants to comment about this that is fine. But the thread has been started for another reason...
I recall years ago when I started to date how I could change how I interact in relationships. I would meet someone I would be attracted to and really want to "make" the relationship work and have an anxious style attachment right away. Obviously this would scare the person away even though they wanted to have a relationship with me. Next over the failures I learned to chill out a little and relationships would start to work out. But I would have a Dismissive avoidant style of attachment. So with that the relationships would not last as I would end them. But then I would meet someone I was really attracted to and the anxious attachment would be activated again. In my mind I really wanted the relationship to work but at the back of my mind I would think it will not. And of course it would not. So my relationships would go through these cycles. Then I met my wife. Although I didn't have that extreme attraction for her I figured our love would grow. The marriage lasted 23 years but we had our problems that we could not solve. I would tell her I wasn't getting the affection I desired and she would say I would never take her out enough. In retrospect she was right and I was right also. She turned out to be a dismissive person and I was an anxious attachment in the marriage. I was always the one to try to keep the marriage together. We have been seperated for almost three years now.
Although I gave you all this information, I would like to know if this is common. For one to go through all the attachment styles? I feel I can be all of them. Even secure attachment. However, with secure attachment women I seem to meet, I find they are not an exciting "challenge" to me and so I am going for the Avoidant ones it seems. I know now I have to change my thinking on this but also I need some counselling in which I am starting in two weeks.
So back to the question, Can one person have all the styles? By the way, the most recent relationship I was in the girlfriend came on really strong. I started off dismissive and that bothered her. But when I let my heart go we switched roles as she broke it off. Then it was a relationship of me trying to get her back. I am an intelligent and wise grown man. After reading the books about attachments I felt my actions were so child like and certainly not dictated by any sort of logic.
Mr. Chameleon
