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Post by anapol on Aug 31, 2018 4:05:47 GMT
...for many months (or years, or possibly forever?), until they contact me again?
Sorry, I would rather not tell my story as a background to this question (I'm still trying to get used to the "public-ness" of forums). But I just want to make sure that I'm not causing an FA to be more anxious by waiting for them to contact first after they said (or, in my case, strongly implied-I think) that we should have NC.
From what I gathered after reading some stuff on this forum, I would say this is what happens during an NC period:
-an AP or Secure may get worried that if they don't make contact, the FA will start thinking that the AP/Secure/etc. doesn't care and starts hating/moving on from the AP/Secure
-the FA, on the other hand, doesn't even think about the AP/Secure/etc., and may even go as far as forgetting that the AP or Secure person exists (not trying to be a downer in this statement, just stating a possible fact)
Am I on the right track in understanding? Also, I mean no offense whatsoever in this post--I'm just putting my thoughts out there and hoping I could get an opinion that might help me with my situation and my dilemma on making a move or not.
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Post by happyidiot on Aug 31, 2018 4:55:06 GMT
A popular question with no clearcut answer that is going to work for everyone or every situation.
What makes you think that typically the FA isn't thinking about the other person?
Are you usually AP or secure?
I don't think I'm very FA, I'm usually more AP (moving towards secure) but I tend to love avoidants and know a lot of them, and in my experience what I have found to usually be most effective in reinitiating contact is waiting until I am truly no longer attached to getting a particular result from reaching out. During that time they might even reach out themselves, but if not I still have a far better chance at getting a favorable reply when I reach out than if I had contacted them sooner, while I was desperately hoping for a particular result. How long that takes can be hours or years depending on the circumstances and what I am doing (focussing on other stuff helps speed it up). Plus, added bonus, if you contact them when you've gotten to the point where you hardly care if they reply favorably, then if they don't reply favorably or at all, at least you will hardly care and not be too hurt. It may sound paradoxical, but moving on is the best way to get someone back OR move on.
What I'm guessing most DAs and FAs will likely say, however, is to not contact an FA at all until they contact you, and that was the advice I was given on this forum when I asked the same question. My psychologist, a former avoidant, said to take with a grain of salt what avoidants say about things like whether to contact a ghosting avoidant, because an avoidant's default is to avoid and they may give advice that enables avoidance. This is not to pick on avoidants, APs might give advice that enables their AP traits as well.
However, if they a person has straight up said not to contact them - I'm not sure what "strongly implied-I think" means - that is trickier than if they are simply not contacting you...
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Post by lilyg on Aug 31, 2018 6:05:15 GMT
It is a difficult question, as each case is different. First of all, why do you want to contact someone that asked for no contact? You feel the need to get closure? Are you afraid this person will hate you/forget you? You want to be friends? You want them yo come back to a relationship? It's more important the why and not when.
If he/she asked for no contact, you should honor this need. Personally, when I break up with someone I need time for my feelings to settle, for me to calm down and be able to react in a more objective way. I need someone to respect this and to understand this very reasonable emotional need.
I remember a really nice guy I was dating for like 2 months. He was usually very kind and affective towards me, a gentle soul. I was struggling those months with some stressful situations my life and I needed time and space for myself. I told him I could no longer date him as I emotionally couldn't deal with him, even if he was a sweetheart. He pursued for a 'friendship' for 3 months and got angry at me when I honestly kept telling him over and over again that I couldn't give him a relationship and to please give me space and time for everything to settle down so we could try for a friendship. I felt very distressed and sad but ultimately I decided after him not respecting this need that I neither want to be his friend or date him again.
I understand that after breakups we all react differently, be secure, anxious or avoidant. It is a very emotional time. What serves us calm down and act more camly, I've seen, is to take distance from our desire to be with that person. To have compassion for ourselves in a confident way.
A secure way to understand no contact is to think positively about both of you: people take time to 'forget' someone they're dated, he/she has not forgotten about you, this is a time he/she needs ti calm down and repair their hearts. It is also respectful for you, as you need the same. See it with kindness, and revisit the idea of breaking it when a sensible time has passed and you are calm enough not to expect any result. You only know this person, and when you're more objective you can think if he/she might be happy to hear from you le if it'll create more problems between you two.
Or you can go for the resumed, practical advice if this response is too emotional/ambiguous: don't break NC. The person that creates distance should be the one to close it again. Mostly if this person has asked for space/time.
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 31, 2018 9:10:52 GMT
I'm DA, and cannot make a clear guess without knowing what happened and why you are not in touch.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2018 10:45:39 GMT
We aren't clones. I (FA) can be back within a minute or... never.
The circumstances matter. Were they triggered? Did they act on their insecure attachment? I wrote it somewhere here already but often times people (APs) assume (and over-analyse) that when FA or DA ends things it's because they're insecurely attached, it might be the case that it's simply not what they're looking for.
NC gives me either comfort or anxiety(depends on situation). Whether or not I'll let go depends on IF I still want to be with them, but just like for everyone else NC creates distance and with time yes, we will move on.
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Post by mrob on Aug 31, 2018 10:51:20 GMT
Go on with your life. If you need closure, send a text. If he’s truly FA, he will come back. Don’t put your life to the side.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2018 10:53:30 GMT
Go on with your life. If you need closure, send a text. If he’s truly FA, he will come back. Don’t put your life to the side. Golden advice! there should be a button for this. |
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Post by kristyrose on Aug 31, 2018 15:34:39 GMT
Hi anapol , This is a great forum to better understand what you may be going through. If you haven't taken Jeb's assessments on this site, I recommend you try them and read his book and other resources if you haven't. This can give you some insight, but the folks are here are also incredibly compassionate and understanding as well. Mrob is correct, you need to go on with your life. If she/he is FA he will come back. Mind you, FA/AP is not a one size fits all, there are other factors to all personalities, however, this too has been my experience for the past 3 years with my ex who may be FA. That being said, I completely understand how hard NC can be when its coming from the other person. My ex would ask for space, going NC for a week tops, but i actually went NC for almost 2 months. I needed the time very badly and he would NOT leave me alone. This made it impossible to process my feelings and I felt it incredibly selfish on his part. For context, I went NC because he broke up with me after 2 years. My point is, NC CAN be helpful for both parties provided it is respected. I never thought or worried that if I went NC he would think I didnt care, but found out later that was his worry. When he has gone NC he just needed time to process and ultimately would miss me, so don't make any assumptions about their feelings, just try to focus on your own feelings and use this time to heal and calm yourself. Read materials on this subject, get out of the house, be with those who love you and try to remember that you cannot control another person's feelings. I used to think if I only were "better" or did certain actions he would come back, or love me, etc- but there is freedom and calm in letting go and taking control of yourself. We are here for you. |
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