Did you sabotage that relationship or was it doomed to fail?

leavethelighton
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Did you sabotage that relationship or was it doomed to fail? Sept 16, 2018 0:39:49 GMT

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Post by leavethelighton on Sept 16, 2018 0:39:49 GMT

Interesting final line from the end of the article on limerence vs. love that Happyidiot just posted:

"Being 'in love' is the Fool’s Gold of attachment: non-nourishing, short-lived, and more a hindrance to long-term achievement than a help."

Hmmm.

Deleted
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Did you sabotage that relationship or was it doomed to fail? Oct 19, 2018 9:05:51 GMT via mobile epicgum likes this

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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2018 9:05:51 GMT

Sept 2, 2018 3:02:11 GMT epicgum said:

Sept 2, 2018 2:27:05 GMT juniper said:

i've shared it before-
it's kind of silly but it worked.
when i made a commitment to my healing from this stuff i realized i had this huge problem with hiding my real feelings and needs and aspirations. (with the man i was trying to have a partnership with- big mistake)

i got pretty frustrated and it was hard for me to know how people just DO this.

i literally just started blurting out what i needed to say to express myself truthfully, it was not graceful but i could stand by what i said.
I would check myself ... "Juni, you cant control his reaction or the outcome. but you want him to know you as you really are, and understand you. Are you willing to accept any outcome in order to honor you authentic self with him? Yes? ok... 3,2,1... GO!". my hands would sweat sometimes when i made myself vulnerable and said what i really was thinking or feeling.

but i just white knuckled it. over time we built a rapport on that. i guess he does the same. he's been consistently showing up to my truth with his truth for a while now..

What it did was build a fundamental trust that we could be safe with each other. so now, i feel like he really understands me, so i trust his intentions and regard for me- i'm not hiding anything so i don't fear he doesn't get me or that he is in love with something i am not, or that i can't deliver on. he sees me, hears me, and accepts me and is happy about me. It shows, and i trust it.

it was scary at first but now it's really good.
the trust is so important. and you have to really show up raw sometimes. but trust itself protects you.
it's like a shield from harm you can't name but have been afraid of all your life. it's peaceful to have trust.

Great post juniper I've screenshotted it for safe keeping. I think I've read the "blurting" thing elsewhere as well. Both myself and my AP ex made the same mistakes you did in terms of "hiding".

Epicgum, me too. Deffo a screen shop jobby.
Juni is awesome, I hope she will be back with her amazing input which is much needed on this forum.
Hope your ok today Epic 😊

faithopelove
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Posts: 1,170

Did you sabotage that relationship or was it doomed to fail? Oct 25, 2018 2:19:43 GMT via mobile lilyg and epicgum like this

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Post by faithopelove on Oct 25, 2018 2:19:43 GMT

Sept 1, 2018 5:13:56 GMT epicgum said:

Aug 31, 2018 17:08:29 GMT camper78 said:

Hi all. First time here – great to see such an active forum with so much honesty and support being freely shared. Thank you

I’m FA/serial monogamist (ugh), have been aware of it and working on it for several years now. Historically, my faulty logic has been ‘everlasting’ love might exist, but probably not for me, and even though there’s a part of me that wants it, it scares the pants off me at the same time.’ Eventually, love = compromise and compromise = loss of autonomy/engulfment.

In an effort to sort my shit out, I’ve been thinking more about deactivation strategies (mine and in general) and I’m wondering what y’all think of this question:

How can a successful avoidant tell the difference between the absence of love (it never really existed or it’s gone now) vs. being effectively ‘deactivated’?

The reason I ask is because I split with my gf of 1.5yrs a couple months ago and I’m having a harder time than expected. I won't bore you with the details except to say I pulled my usual BS of withdrawing over several months ahead of a planned trip to Europe with her and my family, she eventually called me out on it in a big argument and we broke up. I've been reflecting a lot because she made a number of really valid points about my role in the decline of the relationship.. and now I'm wondering if I was withdrawing because 'it wasn’t love' or because I was doing the FA deactivation thing (again).

Thoughts?

I have the same thought. I guess in retrospect what I wish I'd understood was that love is more of a choice or an action than a feeling attached to a particular person.

Maybe? Then sometimes I feel like i have no idea what love is. Its frustrating.

Epic- I def think love is a choice. The road isn’t easy and the times you want to give up but decide to faithfully stay the course, is a choice. Feelings will ebb and flow over time but love is a daily choice.
I also struggle with AP fear or losing emotional control vs expressing my emotions. I don’t trust that I know the right time to speak up for myself? As AP struggle with asserting boundaries- I always second guess if I should assert a boundary or am I being too anxious and needy? I often find myself asking what would a secure do? Would they be affected by this- as a way to gauge whether I should speak up or keep my protests shut down.