Post by ladyluck on Mar 22, 2017 23:55:53 GMT
I am going through a heart wrenching breakup with a man (I thought was the "one") I'm coming to realize may be a Dismissive/Avoidant. After dating for a year (very intense, happy, seemed wonderful long distance relationship) and moving and hour away with my daughter (9yrs) to create a home with him and his kids (8 & 10 yrs) and living together for just 6 months he decided a month ago that it wasn't working and wanted to end things. There's so many details but basically things just seemed to go awry the minute we moved in together. We was aloof, began not wanting sex, cold, depressed, told me he's very private,. We both worked from home which didn't help.
As you can imagine everyone says "I need to get over it and move on" But my head is still spinning. Who is this person!? Was it all just a facade? Can he easily just throw us away and move on to date and hookup? The thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. To think of his face and our good times and they way we interacted is just heartbreaking. I still miss him but I'm trying to focus on my daughter, my business and getting in shape again.
Do Avoidants feel any of the breakup??? Does he even think of us? Will he be happy just hooking up and dating around? uuugghh
Some of the things that happened were-
- I found out he lied to me about paying his ex wife's cell phone bill. Before we moved in together I found out he and his ex (they were divorced 7 years ago) were still on a family cell phone plan together (she's remarried) and expressed I wasn't comfortable with that. He said he understood and would take care of it. Months went by and he kept making excuses - I was thinking it was her not wanting to make the change but come to find out he never wanted to make the change. after moving in together I found out that he told her to put it in her name and he'll still pay for it. Another lie to me.
-He seems to be a people pleaser
-He doesn't give his kids any physical closeness - never hugs or kisses his kids really. His kids have been out of control emotionally lately.
- Second day after we moved in I plugged my computer in and his email happened to pop up on my computer. I was a bit confused that his email was open on my computer and kinda stared for a minute only to realize there was an email to a gal saying "mmmmm" (From four months prior to this day). As I clicked on the email it was a message from him replying to her message from 2012 with a picture of her licking her nipples. (sorry TMI) and him saying "mmmmm" She then responded with another photo of herself- her boobs,nipples and legs saying "i laid out Monday" to which he replied "Nice, lol" Infuriated and so confused (mind you I thought he was "the one" and thought we had this amazing relationship) I confronted him- he denied it then came up with a lame excuse saying we were fighting at this time and didn't know if we were gonna make it. Now even more confused (I couldn't remember anytime in the past year where we were fighting and didn't seem like we were gonna make it) my hear and trust was broken. But because I had just quit my job, moved, left our church, family and friends and enrolled my daughter in a new school that she had just started the day before - said I'd believe him and work through it.
- The sex became almost non existent. (once a week) Although I knew he was masturbating. (which he was denying) (Again, extremely hurtful)
-I would send sexy texts or flirty texts and not get a response
-He would wake up many nights in the middle of the night and sleep downstairs
-We never cuddled in bed unless I put his arms around me. I don't think we ever "Spooned"
-He was smoking pot ALL DAY. He worked from home so every three hours he would take a break and smoke.
-He would go to the office once a week. Afte work him and a coed group would go out for drinks and inevitably he would never be home when he said he would. (Every single time for a year) Like he had no self control. Every single time he'd start drinking, say he was gonna leave in 45 mins, then text again in an hour and say he was leaving and by the end of the night he,d be home around 1 am. (This is after drinking and doing cocaine) NOT SMART
-He made horrible gambling decisions and by the 4th month of living together couldn't pay our rent - we were bickering by this point and each time we fought he'd say this isn't working and say we should move out. Finally I said "ok" He gave our landlord our 30 day notice (without telling me). We decided to work on things and he told me he put in our 30 day notice and said but "I don't want to live in this house anyway (he hated the house) so if were gonna work it out we'll find a new house" SO I said ok. And left it for him to handle. We applied for a few houses but two days later after working a twelove hour shift I came home and he wanted to be done.
-I tried talking to him about it and cried and suggested therapy but he wanted to be done. I was devastated, couldn't eat sleep- the thought of our pets, the kids all our dreams, hopes, retirement plans just thrown away. So I got it together and moved out the next week. He said maybe we could work on ourselves and figure things out but that this situation just wasn't working. He gave me a half ass hug as I was leaving with the movers and never said bye to my daughter
Thankfully I had a home to come back to and was able to get a job.
- A week after I move back home I get a Facebook message from a girl with my boyfriends profile on a hook up dating site called "Plenty of Fish" and asking this was my boyfriend? She said they had been talking for a couple weeks and that they exchanged phone numbers the night before and began texting then became Facebook friends and she saw each other all over each others Facebook with the kids and when she asked about me he because defensive so she told him to "F off" I was devestated. Seeing him on that site broke my heart worse and to see that by his dating Title "Looking For....?" and the comments in his about me - he was just looking for sex. SO heartbreaking. I flipped out and cried and text him and couldn't believe it (btw this is all on my birthday) and he didn't respond much. The next morning he responded with:
"I never cheated, and I did love you. I just wasn't happy in our relationship. I feel bad and ashamed, embarrassed. I feel like a pretty shitty human being right now. I deleted the account and am just trying to figure out my life. But hearing more about how shitty I am is not helping my mental state. It's bad enough I have to make a living. I am really sorry for all that I've done to hurt you. You cant imaging hose sorry I am. You are the last person I wanted to hurt and that's pretty much all I did for th past 6 months. I don't know how to be in a relationship with someone. I'm broken. And for it to culminate into what happened yesterday has me depressed and questioning my life. You are better of without me. I know it was a mistake breaking up now but I don't know how to ever be happy. I'm never really happy. You dont need this shit in your life. Better off without me. I prayed to Go to help me find my way. I'm so lost. Im so depressed and lost. He said he was going to start therapy. (WOW now that i"m out of the house)
So then we continued to talk and still say we love each other. Our kids facetime and I miss his kids very much. But now he's cold and aloof- back on Plenty of Fish hookup site. I don't think he ever got off -he just changed his screen name. We've had to message because he's doing business with one of my clients. I sent him an email with a link about Avoidant Attachment saying "I thought I'd share" but he never responded.
As you can imagine everyone says "I need to get over it and move on" But my head is still spinning. Who is this person!? Was it all just a facade? Can he easily just throw us away and move on to date and hookup? The thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. To think of his face and our good times and they way we interacted is just heartbreaking. I still miss him but I'm trying to focus on my daughter, my business and getting in shape again.
Do Avoidants feel any of the breakup??? Does he even think of us? Will he be happy just hooking up and dating around? uuugghh
Some of the things that happened were-
- I found out he lied to me about paying his ex wife's cell phone bill. Before we moved in together I found out he and his ex (they were divorced 7 years ago) were still on a family cell phone plan together (she's remarried) and expressed I wasn't comfortable with that. He said he understood and would take care of it. Months went by and he kept making excuses - I was thinking it was her not wanting to make the change but come to find out he never wanted to make the change. after moving in together I found out that he told her to put it in her name and he'll still pay for it. Another lie to me.
-He seems to be a people pleaser
-He doesn't give his kids any physical closeness - never hugs or kisses his kids really. His kids have been out of control emotionally lately.
- Second day after we moved in I plugged my computer in and his email happened to pop up on my computer. I was a bit confused that his email was open on my computer and kinda stared for a minute only to realize there was an email to a gal saying "mmmmm" (From four months prior to this day). As I clicked on the email it was a message from him replying to her message from 2012 with a picture of her licking her nipples. (sorry TMI) and him saying "mmmmm" She then responded with another photo of herself- her boobs,nipples and legs saying "i laid out Monday" to which he replied "Nice, lol" Infuriated and so confused (mind you I thought he was "the one" and thought we had this amazing relationship) I confronted him- he denied it then came up with a lame excuse saying we were fighting at this time and didn't know if we were gonna make it. Now even more confused (I couldn't remember anytime in the past year where we were fighting and didn't seem like we were gonna make it) my hear and trust was broken. But because I had just quit my job, moved, left our church, family and friends and enrolled my daughter in a new school that she had just started the day before - said I'd believe him and work through it.
- The sex became almost non existent. (once a week) Although I knew he was masturbating. (which he was denying) (Again, extremely hurtful)
-I would send sexy texts or flirty texts and not get a response
-He would wake up many nights in the middle of the night and sleep downstairs
-We never cuddled in bed unless I put his arms around me. I don't think we ever "Spooned"
-He was smoking pot ALL DAY. He worked from home so every three hours he would take a break and smoke.
-He would go to the office once a week. Afte work him and a coed group would go out for drinks and inevitably he would never be home when he said he would. (Every single time for a year) Like he had no self control. Every single time he'd start drinking, say he was gonna leave in 45 mins, then text again in an hour and say he was leaving and by the end of the night he,d be home around 1 am. (This is after drinking and doing cocaine) NOT SMART
-He made horrible gambling decisions and by the 4th month of living together couldn't pay our rent - we were bickering by this point and each time we fought he'd say this isn't working and say we should move out. Finally I said "ok" He gave our landlord our 30 day notice (without telling me). We decided to work on things and he told me he put in our 30 day notice and said but "I don't want to live in this house anyway (he hated the house) so if were gonna work it out we'll find a new house" SO I said ok. And left it for him to handle. We applied for a few houses but two days later after working a twelove hour shift I came home and he wanted to be done.
-I tried talking to him about it and cried and suggested therapy but he wanted to be done. I was devastated, couldn't eat sleep- the thought of our pets, the kids all our dreams, hopes, retirement plans just thrown away. So I got it together and moved out the next week. He said maybe we could work on ourselves and figure things out but that this situation just wasn't working. He gave me a half ass hug as I was leaving with the movers and never said bye to my daughter
Thankfully I had a home to come back to and was able to get a job.
- A week after I move back home I get a Facebook message from a girl with my boyfriends profile on a hook up dating site called "Plenty of Fish" and asking this was my boyfriend? She said they had been talking for a couple weeks and that they exchanged phone numbers the night before and began texting then became Facebook friends and she saw each other all over each others Facebook with the kids and when she asked about me he because defensive so she told him to "F off" I was devestated. Seeing him on that site broke my heart worse and to see that by his dating Title "Looking For....?" and the comments in his about me - he was just looking for sex. SO heartbreaking. I flipped out and cried and text him and couldn't believe it (btw this is all on my birthday) and he didn't respond much. The next morning he responded with:
"I never cheated, and I did love you. I just wasn't happy in our relationship. I feel bad and ashamed, embarrassed. I feel like a pretty shitty human being right now. I deleted the account and am just trying to figure out my life. But hearing more about how shitty I am is not helping my mental state. It's bad enough I have to make a living. I am really sorry for all that I've done to hurt you. You cant imaging hose sorry I am. You are the last person I wanted to hurt and that's pretty much all I did for th past 6 months. I don't know how to be in a relationship with someone. I'm broken. And for it to culminate into what happened yesterday has me depressed and questioning my life. You are better of without me. I know it was a mistake breaking up now but I don't know how to ever be happy. I'm never really happy. You dont need this shit in your life. Better off without me. I prayed to Go to help me find my way. I'm so lost. Im so depressed and lost. He said he was going to start therapy. (WOW now that i"m out of the house)
So then we continued to talk and still say we love each other. Our kids facetime and I miss his kids very much. But now he's cold and aloof- back on Plenty of Fish hookup site. I don't think he ever got off -he just changed his screen name. We've had to message because he's doing business with one of my clients. I sent him an email with a link about Avoidant Attachment saying "I thought I'd share" but he never responded.