Beginning Anew: Four Steps to Restoring Communication
Sept 2, 2018 1:33:40 GMT
ocarina and goldilocks like this
Post by andy on Sept 2, 2018 1:33:40 GMT
Hi everyone! I was very appreciative that ocarina recommended this little book of wisdom for me, called Beginning Anew: Four Steps to Restoring Communication by Sister Chan Khong. I said I would post reflections after reading it, so I'm doing that. And hey, it might be fun to have a book club kinda thing here.
Here is my attempt at a mini-summary of the four steps. The book emphasizes that the four steps should be practiced in a regular and routine way, even daily if possible, so you are creating structured opportunities for open communication and reducing the chance that important things will go unspoken.
1) "Flower watering" - Carefully observe the specific and wonderful things that make others who they are and to communicate that to them sincerely and frequently. And equally, notice the wonderful things about yourself and reflect on these lovingly. I think this is called flower watering because it is a regular practice to nurture the goodness and uniqueness within the person and support the person's thriving as well as the flourishing of the relationship. It is important to do this in times when there is no apparent conflict so that you build up the understanding that you really appreciate and see the other, and then when it comes time to express hurt feelings or navigate a conflict, that understanding is already there as a foundation.
2) Expressing regret - Reflect on your actions and whether something you have done might have been hurtful to the other. Proactively approach them about it and show your concern for possible harmful impacts of your words or actions. Acknowledge the wrong and apologize.
3) Checking in - Even when there is no sign of trouble, regularly ask others whether you are understanding them fully, seeing them, supporting them adequately, and/or whether you have inadvertently done something to hurt or bother them.
4) Expressing hurt, disagreement, or anger - First, take plenty of time out to achieve a state of calm - walking, breathing, anything to bring you down from an intense emotional state. Then, only when you feel calm, approach them to express your hurt and ask for their perspective on the situation. A key point here is to bring humility to the conversation - realizing that you can't possibly understand the full story, the full picture - as well as curiosity about what made them act as they did. So, for example, you could say something like, "When you didn't text me back for several days, I felt confused, worried and sad. Maybe there is something I don't understand about the situation. Can you help me understand your perspective on it?"
Some thoughts:
I really like the point that this type of communication should be a regular practice. When there is a designated time for it and lots of practice in doing it, sharing feelings and needs does not feel like such a huge scary leap, and the small hurts can get voiced before they get big and disruptive.
I tend to look back on my relationship with my ex DA with too much regret and not enough recognition of the things I did well. I will say that one of the more positive things I tried to do was initiate periodic check-ins. I knew that it would feel challenging for me in the moment to try to launch into talking about how we were each doing with the relationship, so I would send a casual text ahead of time to say, "Hey, do you want to do a quick check-in chat next time we get together?" And she was always receptive. If we had added a little more structure to the check-ins while still keeping things casual, that might have been even better.
I also really like this book's focus on being humble when expressing hurts and reminding yourself that you don't have the complete picture. In my relationship with my ex, I found it really hard (actually impossible) to think of any possible reason for her inconsistent communication and low level of initiative in setting up dates other than "she's just not that into you" (even though that totally didn't mesh with certain other things she said and did). I had never known anyone else with a similar interpersonal style, so I jumped to conclusions and felt really hurt. If I had had more humility, I might have said to myself, "Hmm, she is acting really differently from what I'm used to. I don't know why she acts the way she does. It doesn't make me feel good. I'm confused. There is probably information I am missing about the situation. I'm going to let her know how I am feeling and try to learn more about where she is coming from." And maybe approaching the conversation that way would have been less blaming-feeling for her and would have reduced the likelihood that she would be triggered into a defensive state and not really hear me. Mind you, I keep having to remind myself that some subtly different wording or framing of the issues on my part could not possibly be a make-or-break thing for our relationship. Relationships with a robust foundation can withstand a variety of ways of communicating, so long as they are respectful and authentic.
I will say that the book is VERY optimistic about people's willingness and ability to participate in this kind of practice, and I think some people would really not be able or willing. However, I also think that proposing regular check-ins in a relationship would be a great way to get a feel for someone's willingness to work on the relationship and their suitability as a partner. In another thread people were talking about ways to assess attachment style early in the game... I would bet that suggesting something like this to a dating partner would be very revealing.
It is interesting learning about communication practices! By the way, I think I will sign myself up for this six-week group counselling program/kind of a course about authentic communication. It covers feelings, vulnerability, needs, boundaries.... lots of the stuff that we discuss on these boards. I saw a poster for it on Facebook and was very intrigued. I will let you know if there are any attachment-related gems (and really, what's not attachment-related?).
Thanks again for the book recommendation, ocarina!
Here is my attempt at a mini-summary of the four steps. The book emphasizes that the four steps should be practiced in a regular and routine way, even daily if possible, so you are creating structured opportunities for open communication and reducing the chance that important things will go unspoken.
1) "Flower watering" - Carefully observe the specific and wonderful things that make others who they are and to communicate that to them sincerely and frequently. And equally, notice the wonderful things about yourself and reflect on these lovingly. I think this is called flower watering because it is a regular practice to nurture the goodness and uniqueness within the person and support the person's thriving as well as the flourishing of the relationship. It is important to do this in times when there is no apparent conflict so that you build up the understanding that you really appreciate and see the other, and then when it comes time to express hurt feelings or navigate a conflict, that understanding is already there as a foundation.
2) Expressing regret - Reflect on your actions and whether something you have done might have been hurtful to the other. Proactively approach them about it and show your concern for possible harmful impacts of your words or actions. Acknowledge the wrong and apologize.
3) Checking in - Even when there is no sign of trouble, regularly ask others whether you are understanding them fully, seeing them, supporting them adequately, and/or whether you have inadvertently done something to hurt or bother them.
4) Expressing hurt, disagreement, or anger - First, take plenty of time out to achieve a state of calm - walking, breathing, anything to bring you down from an intense emotional state. Then, only when you feel calm, approach them to express your hurt and ask for their perspective on the situation. A key point here is to bring humility to the conversation - realizing that you can't possibly understand the full story, the full picture - as well as curiosity about what made them act as they did. So, for example, you could say something like, "When you didn't text me back for several days, I felt confused, worried and sad. Maybe there is something I don't understand about the situation. Can you help me understand your perspective on it?"
Some thoughts:
I really like the point that this type of communication should be a regular practice. When there is a designated time for it and lots of practice in doing it, sharing feelings and needs does not feel like such a huge scary leap, and the small hurts can get voiced before they get big and disruptive.
I tend to look back on my relationship with my ex DA with too much regret and not enough recognition of the things I did well. I will say that one of the more positive things I tried to do was initiate periodic check-ins. I knew that it would feel challenging for me in the moment to try to launch into talking about how we were each doing with the relationship, so I would send a casual text ahead of time to say, "Hey, do you want to do a quick check-in chat next time we get together?" And she was always receptive. If we had added a little more structure to the check-ins while still keeping things casual, that might have been even better.
I also really like this book's focus on being humble when expressing hurts and reminding yourself that you don't have the complete picture. In my relationship with my ex, I found it really hard (actually impossible) to think of any possible reason for her inconsistent communication and low level of initiative in setting up dates other than "she's just not that into you" (even though that totally didn't mesh with certain other things she said and did). I had never known anyone else with a similar interpersonal style, so I jumped to conclusions and felt really hurt. If I had had more humility, I might have said to myself, "Hmm, she is acting really differently from what I'm used to. I don't know why she acts the way she does. It doesn't make me feel good. I'm confused. There is probably information I am missing about the situation. I'm going to let her know how I am feeling and try to learn more about where she is coming from." And maybe approaching the conversation that way would have been less blaming-feeling for her and would have reduced the likelihood that she would be triggered into a defensive state and not really hear me. Mind you, I keep having to remind myself that some subtly different wording or framing of the issues on my part could not possibly be a make-or-break thing for our relationship. Relationships with a robust foundation can withstand a variety of ways of communicating, so long as they are respectful and authentic.
I will say that the book is VERY optimistic about people's willingness and ability to participate in this kind of practice, and I think some people would really not be able or willing. However, I also think that proposing regular check-ins in a relationship would be a great way to get a feel for someone's willingness to work on the relationship and their suitability as a partner. In another thread people were talking about ways to assess attachment style early in the game... I would bet that suggesting something like this to a dating partner would be very revealing.
It is interesting learning about communication practices! By the way, I think I will sign myself up for this six-week group counselling program/kind of a course about authentic communication. It covers feelings, vulnerability, needs, boundaries.... lots of the stuff that we discuss on these boards. I saw a poster for it on Facebook and was very intrigued. I will let you know if there are any attachment-related gems (and really, what's not attachment-related?).
Thanks again for the book recommendation, ocarina!
